LOU HOLTZ BENDS TIME, RIPS NEWSPAPER
by Orson on Oct 5, 2007 6:25 AM EDT
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Print0:12--MEN! He always starts by addressing the team as men. Sexist pig, that Lou.
0:29--Refers to Baton Rouge as "The toughest environment in the world." We call bullshit, Lou. Have you ever played football in the caldera of Kilauea? Or at Fashion Week in Paris? Because those bitches can be savage without ever making a tackle and have you crying into a candy dish full of blow before you know what happened.
Or that hell-stadium from the old Eric Cantona Nike commercial, Lou--ever think about that? They tried to kill Patrick Kluivert, Lou! Satan wouldn't do that. (Actually, that's exactly what we imagine Death Valley to be like down to the flames, blind refs, and dogs on the sidelines.)
0:44--Lou says "happiness is having a short memory." There's a joke here, but we can't remember what Lou just said, and therefore will got to the fridge for some Craisins. YAY CRAISINS!
0:52--We're so happy.
1:02--Lou's got a newspaper out. Says the editorial page is for "people who can't think." Considering that Lou's ripping up a USA Today, we'll give him that one uncontested.
1:10--Oh shit. He's not...
1:15--He is.
1:32--Lou Holtz just stole my reality and drove it into a retaining wall at 90 miles an hour. Instead of exploding, though, it turned to butterflies and dollar bills. It's pennies from heaven, Lou!
1:44--"I wake up screaming in the middle of the night because I can't figure it out myself." It's like you can see into our soul, Lou. We take back everything bad we've ever said about Lou Holtz, since the rest of his life has simply been a warmup for this role as the man who takes a pastry gun of madness, plants it firmly in your ear, and injects your skull full of pure creamy madness through the magic of television. We're smoking LSU on their homefield now--he ripped up a newspaper and put it back together with his mind, man! If a 68 pound man can do that on national television, imagine what we're capable of...men.
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because illusion is magic and magic is everything!!!!
by kleph on Oct 5, 2007 6:44 AM EDT reply actions
I wonder if Lou Holtz graduated from the South Harmon Institute of Technology?
by Michael on Oct 5, 2007 7:46 AM EDT reply actions
This will all end badly when Mark May gets stuck in the Aztec Tomb.
by Flop on Oct 5, 2007 8:08 AM EDT reply actions
Can Lou stop analyzing games and just give pep talks and do magic tricks from now on?
That was AWETHOME!
by TIGERinATL on Oct 5, 2007 8:17 AM EDT reply actions
I would have loved to have been at the ESPN pitch meeting where someone suggests that Lou Holtz do a 90 second Situationist performance every week. Seriously, I’m expecting a PowerPoint featuring stills from Un Chien Andalou by the end of the season.
by Fesser on Oct 5, 2007 8:35 AM EDT reply actions
I love how happy GOB is that the trick actually worked. And can we get that pep talk/magic show set to a little Europe? Editing people, make this happen.
by Biggus Rickus on Oct 5, 2007 8:36 AM EDT reply actions
Lou would help you build the most realistic tiny town, ever.
One so mighty and strong that even an analrapist could not destroy it.
by Coop on Oct 5, 2007 8:42 AM EDT reply actions
I watched it last night with my girlfriend who’s never seen The Amazing Lounak before. She thought maybe we’d entered a time warp and it was April Fool’s Day.
Can a van by the river and a steady diet of government cheese be far behind? I’m thinking Lou goes meta in an attempt to stay/become hip after one of his predictions goes wildly wrong.
by OhioDawg on Oct 5, 2007 8:50 AM EDT reply actions
Is Lou predicting that Florida will win? Remember the last time he did that?
Good times, good times…
At any rate, I’m sure we can expect the ventriloquist routine before the end of the season.
“Men, the two of us would like to sing you a special song, about togetherness, about unity, about coming together to accomplish a common goal.
“It ain’t easy being white, it ain’t easy being brown…”
by Dr. O. Goldsmith on Oct 5, 2007 8:53 AM EDT reply actions
“we’re gonna play the #1 team in the country in maybe the most difficult environment in the world”…
…but don’t be nervous.
by Troy in Columbus on Oct 5, 2007 9:03 AM EDT reply actions
Help me out here: what’s the record of teams Lou’s given “pep talks” to? Am I still hungover or have they all lost? I can only remember Notre Dame and Michigan (Michigan going into the game vs. Oregon) getting them prior to now.
And think of the bad mojo if on top of Holth pep talk, Corso puts on a gator head?
I figure at that point Mike the Tiger would go Sigfreid & Roy Tebow. …not that that’s something I would secretly cheer for…like someone stabbing Fulmer with a fork and watching him scream “my goo…my goo” a la Rob Reiner.
by Will on Oct 5, 2007 9:06 AM EDT reply actions
Dr. O,
Maybe that’s what happened to Lou, cracking under all that pressure to be bright. Meanwhile, May’s got kids all over down. It ain’t easy.
by Biggus Rickus on Oct 5, 2007 9:09 AM EDT reply actions
@Will, I’m pretty sure last week his pep talk was for South Florida. So maybe the curse is broken…
by Troy on Oct 5, 2007 9:14 AM EDT reply actions
Lou is the reason there are clear, protective panels over salad bars.
Lou once gave a pep talk to Marshall and that didn’t turn out so pretty.
by SunDawg on Oct 5, 2007 9:24 AM EDT reply actions
I think he gave a pep talk to Michigan before the Penn State game.
by MiseanAuFan on Oct 5, 2007 9:28 AM EDT reply actions
I woke up in the middle of the night screaming when Holtz and the Cocks beat the Buckeyes two years in a row – and I thought it was because we were just a piss poor team in transition between coaches – at least now I know – Magic, bitches, f’king Magic.
by The Artist Formerly Known as tOSUBuckeyes on Oct 5, 2007 9:30 AM EDT reply actions
That was actually a copy of USA Tomorrow.
Think. About. That.
by Allahver Fist on Oct 5, 2007 9:33 AM EDT reply actions
The best new feature of USA Tomorrow: its comics section.
by Fightin' Englishman on Oct 5, 2007 9:39 AM EDT reply actions
Lou’s 1-4 this year, by the way. South Florida got him in the win column last week.
by Run Up The Score on Oct 5, 2007 9:44 AM EDT reply actions
Still, where’d the newspaper come from?
I can’t tell which makes me cringe more: the fact that Lou clearly broke three fingers tearing that paper or his rapidly-deteriorating AIDS face.
by Laugh on Oct 5, 2007 9:49 AM EDT reply actions
I can imagine Tebow screaming “it’s in his pocket” or “he’s palming it”……
by The Last Dragon on Oct 5, 2007 9:50 AM EDT reply actions
Well you had to figure he’d do floriduh this week. He’s the new state senator!
by James on Oct 5, 2007 9:56 AM EDT reply actions
Sometimes the replies are funnier than the post. That’s where Swindle gets all his hits….
by Burt77 on Oct 5, 2007 9:56 AM EDT reply actions
Glenn Dorsey just wrote on his Husqvarna – This is for Tim Tebow.
by Southern Papa on Oct 5, 2007 9:59 AM EDT reply actions
I watched this last night and it reminded me why I still love Lou Holtz. He’s like your funny grandpa that pulls quarters out of your ears and tells stories of the war.
I wonder what the man is like after a couple of fingers of scotch? Something tells me is is between frightening and magical.
God bless you and your generation Lou.
by Odell 51 on Oct 5, 2007 10:01 AM EDT reply actions
Au revoir, newspaper.
I’d like to know how he did that, too. Maybe it’s how he was able to hide his connection to Luther Darville and Kim Dunbar.
by Brewster Crew on Oct 5, 2007 10:08 AM EDT reply actions
It’s a version of the “torn napkin trick”, if you really want to google it to figure out how it’s done :). I’m pretty impressed that he pulled it off… too bad it pretty much dooms the gators.
Actually, if you look for “Lou Holtz Newspaper Trick” he’s actually in a book about how to pull off this particular trick:
http://tinyurl.com/3ah4he
That crafty Lou.
by matt on Oct 5, 2007 10:21 AM EDT reply actions
It’s an “illusion.” A trick is something whores do for money.
by D'Jango on Oct 5, 2007 10:22 AM EDT reply actions
We were watching the game last night….
Wife: Who is that guy?
Me: That is Lou Holtz. He used to coach Notre Dame and South Carolina.
Wife: Is he retarded?
by misterjingo on Oct 5, 2007 10:23 AM EDT reply actions
this is a much better peptalk for the LSU game…
by panhandler on Oct 5, 2007 10:25 AM EDT reply actions
You are too much for me Holtz, you sonofawhoreson bitch! I wish I knew how to quit you.
by blazin on Oct 5, 2007 10:28 AM EDT reply actions
Is there an Emmy category for insanomercials? I’d like to nominate grandpa.
by maze on Oct 5, 2007 10:34 AM EDT reply actions
I stand in awe of Lou Holtz. His peptalks are the greatest thing in the world. I enjoy how Rece Davis is unable to control himself afterwards because he’s laughing, stunned and wants to break down a brick wall for Coach Lou.
My favorite part is his intro. “This week Florida is playing LSU and this is what I would say to them (pause) Now men…”
by Edsall is God on Oct 5, 2007 10:39 AM EDT reply actions
why do you keep your craisins in the refrigerator?
by chairLegInEyeSocket on Oct 5, 2007 10:42 AM EDT reply actions
He’s sort of a cross between Ross Perot and Barney Frank……he may be the new “Great Communicator”….I’d pull a lever for the ole’ bastard….
by Judge on Oct 5, 2007 10:43 AM EDT reply actions
A pep talk for a team that’s about to face LSU and not one warning about chainsaw dicks? Papa Lou gon’ get those boys keelt.
by Doug on Oct 5, 2007 10:45 AM EDT reply actions
Im with Fesser #5.
What in the hell is going on in the board room at ESPN/Disney? Reminds me of the comercial with a conference room full of chimps partying because they misread a graph. Who decided Holts giving pep talks was a good idea? The most reasonable explenation is some high powered exec hates Holts and actually ordered him to do it.
Or maybe I’m just WAY behind the curve and some genius Karl Rove desciple is pushing buttens at the world wide leader after calculating america loves disaster…..could be.
by tzubear on Oct 5, 2007 10:52 AM EDT reply actions
It’s amazing what they can teach the inmates at the local nursing home. Lou is plainly a star pupil – I wonder if he’s made a paper mache voodoo doll of Mark May yet?
by DC Trojan on Oct 5, 2007 10:59 AM EDT reply actions
As a South Carolina fan, these speeches have been the best insight as to why Lou’s last few years went the way they did.
It’s just nice to know the reasons, is all.
by anon on Oct 5, 2007 10:59 AM EDT reply actions
If Lou Holtz were to give a pep talk to Al-Qaeda, the War on Terror would be over within weeks.
by Digital Headbutt on Oct 5, 2007 11:05 AM EDT reply actions
#25
only a gambini would do that.
the gators will win…b/c lou actually IS a football god!!!
by gerry dorsey on Oct 5, 2007 11:05 AM EDT reply actions
#40:
Maybe this is a demonstration of what happens to a person if they’re not careful when they play around with a werewolf with a chainsaw dick. So, the message is twofold: Fuck around like me on Saturday night and you’ll end up like me and mmmmmmm tapioca pudding night at the Senior center.
by dogtown gator on Oct 5, 2007 11:05 AM EDT reply actions
When i first watched that clip I was really worried about that torn USA Tomorrow.
Because that paper is the property of Tony Joiner’s girlfriend. And we know Tony is very protective of his property.
Luckily, Tim Tebow healed the paper with his mind.
by dogtown gator on Oct 5, 2007 11:11 AM EDT reply actions
As much as I hate that former ND Coach for many, many reasons….
he may be the most brilliant comic mind this world has.
by xhack on Oct 5, 2007 11:11 AM EDT reply actions
If you think this is entertaining, just wait until the WWL hires Ed Orgeron to give the pep talks in 2030.
by Digital Headbutt on Oct 5, 2007 11:13 AM EDT reply actions
- - with all due respect and I mean no offense, but you should have stood up, smacked your wife with the back of your hand, then sat down again with a quiet, solemnm reply, “Yes.”
by Out of Conference on Oct 5, 2007 11:13 AM EDT reply actions
And for fucks sake, the USATomorrow.com domain is already under construction.
Damn you, Kucinich, either get your vision of a better tomorrow campaign out there and shit, or get off the fucking pot. We got satire to do.
by dogtown gator on Oct 5, 2007 11:17 AM EDT reply actions
Wow. I’m stunned. This is sublime. SUBLIME!!!!
Go Gamecocks.
by robert on Oct 5, 2007 11:21 AM EDT reply actions
- -
I’m totally down to work on the Holtz ’08 campaign.
“Like Reagan, only older.”
by Slims on Oct 5, 2007 11:27 AM EDT reply actions
btw… snowballs in purgatory – they just melted – KY is back to playing KY football…. now let’s get back to monitoring FL, GA and maybe SC to see who come out on top of this scrum
by Futbawl Fan on Oct 5, 2007 11:29 AM EDT reply actions
Lou Holtz ain’t got nuttin on this guy. Go Gators!!! Into my Vagina of Love and Coupons!!!
by Brandon Cox's Vagina on Oct 5, 2007 11:41 AM EDT reply actions
SC may have the inside track. If they beat UF they are in. Even if UF beats SC, a loss to LSU would mean UF has to win out to make it to Atlanta.
by TIGERinATL on Oct 5, 2007 11:45 AM EDT reply actions
Brandon Cox’s Vagina is either Orson in disguise or Cuddles. Too witty to not be a pseudo-Swindle.
by TIGERinATL on Oct 5, 2007 11:47 AM EDT reply actions
I’m calling bullshit on Holtz’s “magic”. Lou, you want to do magic? Make that goddam lisp disappear.
by fresh on Oct 5, 2007 11:48 AM EDT reply actions
Lou Holtz tore my hymen, but he put it back together again.
Yay second virginity!!!
by Brandon Cox's Vagina on Oct 5, 2007 11:59 AM EDT reply actions
Brandon Cox’s Vagina, do you bleed burnt orange and navy blue?
by Allahver Fist on Oct 5, 2007 12:16 PM EDT reply actions
Lou Holthhhh is close to beating out Spurrier as “The Man” of the college footbaww worldll!!!
by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me on Oct 5, 2007 12:25 PM EDT reply actions
Why is “The Final Countdown” now stuck in my head?
Any post with GOB Bluth is a good post.
by Dave on Oct 5, 2007 12:32 PM EDT reply actions
two newspapers, he throws the one he tore up off the bottom of the screen when he unfolds the second one
by george oscar on Oct 5, 2007 12:35 PM EDT reply actions
This post is 100% Pure Columbian Awesomeness, to steal a tag from Brian Cook.
+1 billion cocktails to you, sir.
by kingtut on Oct 5, 2007 1:15 PM EDT reply actions
#63, in fact, I do.
Now, how about a date? We’re made to be together, at least on the Intarweb. We could make a buck or two in the pr0n business.
by NewAZTiger on Oct 5, 2007 1:41 PM EDT reply actions
For what it’s worth, the hell stadium isn’t really in the world. It generally stays on another dimensional plane of existence and comes into being only during eclipses around the time of the world cup of kickball.
by crazy tom on Oct 5, 2007 2:29 PM EDT reply actions
Seriously, I have Lou on a videotape ripping the newspaper 16 years ago. Complete with the same cornball comments. He’s been doing that one a loooong time.
by Brad on Oct 5, 2007 2:55 PM EDT reply actions
He didn’t look like he was wearing a FIVE THOUSAND DOLLAR SUIT! COME ON!
by El Hombre on Oct 5, 2007 4:23 PM EDT reply actions
Sweet Lou Holtz,
Now if he could just break into a verse of “Sweet Caroline” by Neil Diamond after his pep talk, my world would be complete…actually reminds me of my uncle who went to Vietnam, got hooked on heroin, became schizophrentic, grew out his beard, doesnt bathe, and lives in a 2 duct-taped- together- refrigerator boxes outside on the 3 car garage of my aunts house, in the dark, all the time. Only comes out to go to the bathroom and grab a bite to eat. Doesnt watch tv because he thinks Lou Holtz is out to get him.
True Story.
by Capt Obvious on Oct 5, 2007 4:32 PM EDT reply actions
This man was once a football coach in the SEC.
Sorry boys, but this here debate is over.
by Left Coast Football on Oct 5, 2007 4:45 PM EDT reply actions
So the jock falls on Brandon Cox’s Vagina to reveal…NewAZTiger’s vagina. Sew them lips up and stop yo’ talkin’.
by Allahver Fist on Oct 5, 2007 5:02 PM EDT reply actions
I should’ve never let that Cable guy install internet in here.
by Brandon Cox's Vagina on Oct 5, 2007 5:50 PM EDT reply actions
You guys seen this? That Tim Tebow guy is catching on…
http://buzz.yahoo.com/buzzlog/76481/the-hottest-numbers-top-20-jersey
by Martinis at 8 on Oct 5, 2007 6:19 PM EDT reply actions
Holy Shit! Lou Holtz is the original Mr. 2 Bits!
by Mr Pelican Pants on Oct 6, 2007 12:11 AM EDT reply actions
If Lou has to do a magic trick for us to get us motivated, you know we’re in deep shit. THAT WATH THE CRAZIETH THING I EVER THAW!!!
by BurritoBrosShits on Oct 6, 2007 10:53 AM EDT reply actions
Gotta steal one from MST3K:
“Hello, Sigfreid!” “Hello Roy!”
by Cookie Monster on Oct 7, 2007 3:32 PM EDT reply actions
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