LOU HOLTZ BENDS TIME, RIPS NEWSPAPER

0:12--MEN! He always starts by addressing the team as men. Sexist pig, that Lou.

0:29--Refers to Baton Rouge as "The toughest environment in the world." We call bullshit, Lou. Have you ever played football in the caldera of Kilauea? Or at Fashion Week in Paris? Because those bitches can be savage without ever making a tackle and have you crying into a candy dish full of blow before you know what happened.

Or that hell-stadium from the old Eric Cantona Nike commercial, Lou--ever think about that? They tried to kill Patrick Kluivert, Lou! Satan wouldn't do that. (Actually, that's exactly what we imagine Death Valley to be like down to the flames, blind refs, and dogs on the sidelines.)

0:44--Lou says "happiness is having a short memory." There's a joke here, but we can't remember what Lou just said, and therefore will got to the fridge for some Craisins. YAY CRAISINS!

0:52--We're so happy.

1:02--Lou's got a newspaper out. Says the editorial page is for "people who can't think." Considering that Lou's ripping up a USA Today, we'll give him that one uncontested.

1:10--Oh shit. He's not...

1:15--He is.

1:32--Lou Holtz just stole my reality and drove it into a retaining wall at 90 miles an hour. Instead of exploding, though, it turned to butterflies and dollar bills. It's pennies from heaven, Lou!

1:44--"I wake up screaming in the middle of the night because I can't figure it out myself." It's like you can see into our soul, Lou. We take back everything bad we've ever said about Lou Holtz, since the rest of his life has simply been a warmup for this role as the man who takes a pastry gun of madness, plants it firmly in your ear, and injects your skull full of pure creamy madness through the magic of television. We're smoking LSU on their homefield now--he ripped up a newspaper and put it back together with his mind, man! If a 68 pound man can do that on national television, imagine what we're capable of...men.

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