It’s a smallish game between two no-name teams at some undefined competitive level of high school football. Yet the simple, Windows Movie Maker-crafted message of the video should call shake traumatic memories loose from your brain with amazing effciency of a horrid, pants-wetting terror felt when watching the nightmare unfold in front of your eyes: quarterback flushed, running, pursued by an unstoppable mob of faceless baby-skewerers, looking to throw, and then…

NO NO NO NO NO NO. Sometimes, when the pass is bad enough, we can actually yell in that low-pitch slo-mo voice you hear at the end of the video. Doug Johnson, you gave us that talent, and for that, we thank you. It’s handy for scaring the shit out of drive-through clerks late at night, or for phoning in those pesky but necessary ransom demands over an untapped public phone.