THE TONY JOINER ARREST: EXCLUSIVE
Florida starting safety Tony Joiner was arrested for attempting to steal his girlfriend’s car back from Watson’s Towing company at 4:59 a.m. this morning. We have exclusive quotes from the police report.
Witness One: Hey, dude! DUDE! Is that your car?
Joiner: No, man. It’s my girl’s. Got towed while I was hittin’ it at the pad.
Witness Two: Hey, Tony Joiner! Can I have a kiss, man?
Joiner: Naw, man. All loved out right now. Been hittin’ it somethin’ fierce.
Witness One: Man, you’re stealing a car for her?
Joiner: Stealin’ it back, yeah. She’s worth it. Like making love to some kinda, you know, sexy drill sergeant racehorse womanbeast or something. Like Kiana Tom from back in the day with a snowmobile engine in her thang.
Witness Two: From Bodyshaping? Aw, man. She was unreal.
Joiner: She’s like that. It’s like the Daytona 500 when we get down. I gotta take pit stops and everything. Four tires. Lube. Chassis adjustments. Thanking sponsors and shit when I’m done.
Witness One: Sounds like a full-time job.
Joiner: It is. You gotta girl like that?
Witness Two: I do! She works at a Starbucks. Comes home, can’t sleep ’til two. Has to work it off with me.
Witness One: I’m his roommate. I call her “Jitterbuns.” She’s sounds like an espresso machine going off. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Joiner: (Laughs.) That’s tight. (Blue and red lights turn the corner.) Hey, that’s the police. I think I better drive this car back in, ’cause my ass is going to jail.
Witness two: That sucks. You know, we’re gonna have to tell ‘em about this. They see us.
Joiner: I know. Just tell ‘em I’m all rutted out and not thinking straight. Why else would a college kid be stealing a girl’s car back from Watson’s Towing at 5 in the morning, man?
Witness One: Is pussy-induced fatigue a viable criminal defense?
Joiner: ‘Bout to find out. I ain’t sharing evidence, though!
Witnesses One and Two: Bye, Tony!
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1
Seven Years in Gainesville says:
“[The arresting officer] said he heard Joiner talking into the phone and saying, ‘I am probably about to go to jail ‘cuz I did push the gate open.’ ”
…a punishment Urban Meyer described as “harsh.”
October 2nd, 2007 at 11:52 am
2
gerry dorsey says:
for what it’s worth…kiana tom had her own show…”flex appeal.” it came on either right before or right after bodyshaping. yes…i’m an idiot.
October 2nd, 2007 at 11:55 am
3
Cameorn Siggs says:
TJ really, really, really needs to get serial…but it’s not really “stealing” when it’s one’s own property in the possession of another…title to the car doesn’t shift when watson towing takes possession.
also, why on earth would he pull it back into the lot? why not just leave? this sounds serial fishy to me… i’m gonna do some snooping and figure out what, exactly, the hell happened…
October 2nd, 2007 at 11:56 am
4
BovineKid says:
He’s no Frank Tolbert. Auburn wins again.
October 2nd, 2007 at 11:58 am
5
Cameorn Siggs says:
PS goodbye season! goodbye any remote teeeeny, tiiiiiny lil’ chance of victoire at LSU!
October 2nd, 2007 at 11:59 am
6
LSUJoshua says:
The literary one two punch of the “snowmobile in her thang” and the reminiscing over the morning t&a on espn back in the day left me struggling to keep lunch’s current bite of mashed potatos in my mouth.
I might waste time asking how you steadily produce comedic writing this well done. Instead, I’ll just keeping reading, laughing and admiring. Thanks.
October 2nd, 2007 at 12:00 pm
7
Crabapple Buck says:
Orson, you deliver more scoops than Baskin – Robbins
October 2nd, 2007 at 12:05 pm
8
celeste says:
I have mixed feelings about this. As a Gator fan, I’m all “Gaaaak!! Nooooo!!” But as a lady, I’m all “Awwwww, that is so sweet.” Chivalry is not dead, but our secondary is.
October 2nd, 2007 at 12:07 pm
9
NewAZTiger says:
To repeat a joke, Why was Tim Tebow’s car impounded?
October 2nd, 2007 at 12:07 pm
10
GamecockTony says:
Gerry,
Do you realize Chris Fowler married one of the BodyShaping chicks?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jennifer_Dempster
October 2nd, 2007 at 12:10 pm
11
BDoc says:
Watson’s Towing deserves to have people push in their gate to retrieve cars without paying.
And Tony Joiner won’t be playing Saturday? Sounds normal for most of the secondary except for maybe Major Wright.
October 2nd, 2007 at 12:10 pm
12
NewAZTiger says:
Also, I wonder if Urban will kick him off the team, only to have the Dean call a time out, re-instate him, and then have Urban kick him off the team again.
Thank you, thank you very much. I’ll be here all day.
October 2nd, 2007 at 12:11 pm
13
AUWarEagle says:
I wonder if her ride was sittin on 22’s
October 2nd, 2007 at 12:11 pm
14
Tim says:
I never knew Tony Joiner had a vast repertoire of hipster pop trivia to draw from, even at 5am after a long romp in the sack.
It’s like Dawson’s Creek dialogue, only much funnier and with black people.
October 2nd, 2007 at 12:15 pm
15
MoJoe says:
Tased….Towed…what’s next…oh yeah, Tigers!!!
October 2nd, 2007 at 12:16 pm
16
NewAZTiger says:
Actually, it went
“Tased, Tigered, Towed”
October 2nd, 2007 at 12:19 pm
17
Allahver Fist says:
Fuck Watson’s Towing.
October 2nd, 2007 at 12:19 pm
18
Cameron Siggs says:
update: Rumor has it that he actually wasn’t outside the towing place, he was inside, trying to get something that belonged to HIM, not the car. more as i can find out more.
October 2nd, 2007 at 12:26 pm
19
Eric says:
Kiana Tom…undoubtedly the genesis of my Asian fetish.
October 2nd, 2007 at 12:26 pm
20
gerry dorsey says:
@ gamecock tony
very nice scoop sir. i had no idea. i remember her too. and here i thought herbie was the only one pulling tail in gameday.
October 2nd, 2007 at 12:29 pm
21
blazin says:
karl dorrell is not impressed.
October 2nd, 2007 at 12:32 pm
22
TIGERinATL says:
Over under on the average BMI of Bodyshaping viewership? My guess = 45
October 2nd, 2007 at 12:32 pm
23
Othniel says:
That ‘chivalry is not dead but our secondary is’ comment ranks right up there w/ OS’s dialogue.
October 2nd, 2007 at 12:32 pm
24
gerry dorsey says:
@ 22
i disagree…people with a bmi that high aren’t up early enough to catch bodyshaping. they were up until 3am watching steven seagal movies and eating ice cream.
October 2nd, 2007 at 12:41 pm
25
DAve says:
TPW3D!!1!
October 2nd, 2007 at 12:46 pm
26
WDamnE says:
Mmmm, BodyShaping…..Kiana Tom, Jennifer Dempster…
Well, I’m off to Youtube.
October 2nd, 2007 at 12:49 pm
27
Marques Slocum says:
fuck dem lawayz.
October 2nd, 2007 at 1:09 pm
28
Brian O'Blivion says:
Anyone who has ever lived in off campus apartments in Gainesville knows the towing companies are the fucking gestapo. You can park your car in front of someone’s apartment for two minutes and come out and they will be hitching it. I have nothing but scorn for Watson’s and every other unscrupulous towing company in Gainesville.
October 2nd, 2007 at 1:24 pm
29
adam (the gay one) says:
pretty sure it’s still stealing. while his girlfriend may own title to the car, the tow company is losing the money from the tow through his criminal act. so it’s not the car that he is stealing as much as the tow fee. additionally, it’s burglary. both felonies. and amazingly stupid. how did he think he could just push the gate open, get a car, and leave without anyone finding out?
October 2nd, 2007 at 1:46 pm
30
Anonymous IV says:
The question now is if she will wait for him if he is put away or will she be on the hunt for the next Big LD?
October 2nd, 2007 at 1:55 pm
31
PJ from NU in SF says:
Watson’s must be Gainesville’s answer to the Lincoln Park Pirates, but without the Steve Goodman song.
That said, “Jitterbuns” is giving me bad visions of that cell phone for old folks.
October 2nd, 2007 at 1:59 pm
32
dogtown gator says:
And the tab was only $76…I know that buys a lot of cheese sandwiches, but whoops, there goes our secondary.
from Gatorsports: Joiner, who is 6 feet tall and weighs 194 pounds, was accused of pushing a heavy electric gate open in an attempt to retrieve his girlfriend’s car. The vehicle was being held in lieu of a $76 towing bill, according to police reports.
October 2nd, 2007 at 2:03 pm
33
Jmuthaf'nT says:
they’ve towed my car and I’m not even living there. They are dicks
October 2nd, 2007 at 2:03 pm
34
The Last Dragon says:
Towing companies everywhere are the fucking gustapo.
But if you’re gonna steal something back that’s yours, how do you not have OJ in your posse?
October 2nd, 2007 at 2:04 pm
35
Gestapo says:
TJ, upon arrest, said he was setting up his very own “sting operation.”
That works on different levels.
October 2nd, 2007 at 2:10 pm
36
ha says:
Tow Companies in Gainesville are a scam. Free Tony. Viva La Revolucion!!!!!!!!!!
October 2nd, 2007 at 2:19 pm
37
panhandler says:
keep refreshing those newspaper articles, folks. the machinery’s still digesting facts. or “facts.”
October 2nd, 2007 at 2:32 pm
38
the r.o.b. says:
might not be a big deal:
http://forums.floridatoday.com/viewtopic.php?t=51930&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0
wait this one out…
October 2nd, 2007 at 2:50 pm
39
spartymike says:
#8 +2, because that was excellent
Also, +1 to whoever introduced “and shit” to the lexicon in using it as a catchall addition to any sentence. It really can’t be topped, and is funny as hell.
“…thanking sponsors and shit…”
October 2nd, 2007 at 2:56 pm
40
OMAR says:
Not afraid of junk yard dogs?
Electric Fence?
Rednecks with shotguns?
Breaking into the tow yard was a fearless act. Incredibly stupid, but fearless.
October 2nd, 2007 at 3:09 pm
41
MoJoe says:
Nice research the r.o.b., like a player of his caliber at any university would not be “taken” care of. Besides, this will not be forgotten when the towing contract come up at UF! That is almost as good as “knowing a guy”!
October 2nd, 2007 at 3:12 pm
42
Because They Can says:
If he misses the LSU game I’ll kiss the tow truck driver’s big ol’ butt in public (figuratively, of course). The damage control machine is currently humming in overdrive….
October 2nd, 2007 at 3:32 pm
43
DC Domer says:
Would it violate the spirit of the Fulmer Cup to use regular season infractions to seed the competition (w/o point totals) when the offseason begins, then have these ‘competing teams’ get bumped off the list as real FC points begin to be scored?
October 2nd, 2007 at 3:35 pm
44
oc phil says:
Towing companies are absolute bastards. Legal pirates pretty much. I’ve been told that towing companies are one of the first places ex-cons go looking for a job when they get out of jail.
That tow yard in Gainsville sounds pretty soft. The Ms got her car towed a couple of years ago and you’ld need to send Snake Plisskin in to get a car out of the place hers was taken.
October 2nd, 2007 at 3:38 pm
45
Talladegger Keglifter says:
I thought Urb made Joiner and Tebow live together and kiss on the sidelines to avoid commotions like this?
At UGA, while we have our own problems with automobiles and being licensed to operate them and not “borrowing them from friends” and not running them into trees and not……Ah never mind, I better just leave this incident alone, my hypocrisy knows some bounds.
October 2nd, 2007 at 3:38 pm
46
MoJoe says:
Or, during the regular season we could honor Bobby Bowdin and create an award category. After all, I cannot remember any one coach having so many convicts on only team (college that is)…Just a thought!
October 2nd, 2007 at 3:41 pm
47
purpleheart says:
Yeah, it’s getting blown out of the original context, I mean, most people show up to pay their parking tickets at 4:30 am right?
Herban should have sent him a text message saying “bad idea”.
October 2nd, 2007 at 3:47 pm
48
Kerwin4two says:
It is the law in Gainesville that all towing companies monitor their phones 24 hours and that a car be available for pickup within one hour of their being called. Reports are that he called the dispatcher at the towing company and when he showed up to pay there was no one there. Looks like he sat around a while as the employee left and got a bite to eat, so they did not fulfill their obligation. I think the owner would prefer to handle this outside the legal system or he may end up being fined.
October 2nd, 2007 at 3:55 pm
49
Allahver Fist says:
So nice of Watson’s owner to extend a laurel and hardy handshake to Joiner’s ‘get the fuck off da hook’ campaign. I expect the favor to be granted retroactively and going forward precisely 0 times to other ‘customers’.
October 2nd, 2007 at 4:09 pm
50
MoJoe says:
Come on…..can’t you just see the signage posted throughout the swamp…”The Official Towing Company of the Florida Gators”
October 2nd, 2007 at 4:12 pm