THE TONY JOINER ARREST: EXCLUSIVE
Florida starting safety Tony Joiner was arrested for attempting to steal his girlfriend’s car back from Watson’s Towing company at 4:59 a.m. this morning. We have exclusive quotes from the police report.
Witness One: Hey, dude! DUDE! Is that your car?
Joiner: No, man. It’s my girl’s. Got towed while I was hittin’ it at the pad.
Witness Two: Hey, Tony Joiner! Can I have a kiss, man?
Joiner: Naw, man. All loved out right now. Been hittin’ it somethin’ fierce.
Witness One: Man, you’re stealing a car for her?
Joiner: Stealin’ it back, yeah. She’s worth it. Like making love to some kinda, you know, sexy drill sergeant racehorse womanbeast or something. Like Kiana Tom from back in the day with a snowmobile engine in her thang.
Witness Two: From Bodyshaping? Aw, man. She was unreal.
Joiner: She’s like that. It’s like the Daytona 500 when we get down. I gotta take pit stops and everything. Four tires. Lube. Chassis adjustments. Thanking sponsors and shit when I’m done.
Witness One: Sounds like a full-time job.
Joiner: It is. You gotta girl like that?
Witness Two: I do! She works at a Starbucks. Comes home, can’t sleep ’til two. Has to work it off with me.
Witness One: I’m his roommate. I call her “Jitterbuns.” She’s sounds like an espresso machine going off. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Joiner: (Laughs.) That’s tight. (Blue and red lights turn the corner.) Hey, that’s the police. I think I better drive this car back in, ’cause my ass is going to jail.
Witness two: That sucks. You know, we’re gonna have to tell ‘em about this. They see us.
Joiner: I know. Just tell ‘em I’m all rutted out and not thinking straight. Why else would a college kid be stealing a girl’s car back from Watson’s Towing at 5 in the morning, man?
Witness One: Is pussy-induced fatigue a viable criminal defense?
Joiner: ‘Bout to find out. I ain’t sharing evidence, though!
Witnesses One and Two: Bye, Tony!
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51
Dang Tootin' says:
Meanwhile, Darren McFaddin’s car remains untowed but absolutely rimmed.
October 2nd, 2007 at 4:36 pm
52
Marques Slocum says:
Too bad it’s not a drug offense. Urbs would just give him piss tests until he passed and then let him play.
October 2nd, 2007 at 4:38 pm
53
Tim says:
Damn, I saw that Florida Today headline and even commented on it, but didn’t bother to read the article. Haha!
The most ridiculous thing about the story is the justice system — the DA and police can insist on punishment even when the victim doesn’t give a damn. The state demands that you follow the law.
But I won’t muck up this great comedy blog with philosophy!
October 2nd, 2007 at 4:41 pm
54
Cameron Siggs says:
was just thinking… he’s not going to get charged with burglary, and he likely won’t get charged with anything. if they decide to charge him, the most they could actually pin is trespass, and those are next to impossible to prove. so it’s not a winnable situation, especially since all the tow truck company wants is their money, and all tony wants is to go free.
October 2nd, 2007 at 4:44 pm
55
Irwin Fletcher says:
#52 – like he did with Marcus Thomas? ‘Cause MT played all season last year, has the rings, etc.?
October 2nd, 2007 at 5:09 pm
56
wilbur says:
55 replies and still no Simpsons references? For shame.
October 2nd, 2007 at 5:48 pm
57
Run Up The Score says:
One of the towing services in State College, PA is “Walk’s Towing”. I’m sure it’s just a family surname, but whatever. Fucking insulting, anyway.
October 2nd, 2007 at 8:11 pm
58
gatorsfor1-5markricht says:
Rumor has it that Kyle Jackson actually was trying to get the car out of impound but he took the wrong angle and missed the gate altogether– leaving Joiner as the fall guy.
October 2nd, 2007 at 8:58 pm
59
Scalz1 says:
I can just hear the phone conversation now:
Lot attendant: “That colored guy that we just had arrested is Tony Joiner”
Owner: “I don’t care if he’s Jeb Bush”
Lot attendant: “But …….”
Owner: ” Shit !!! you mean TONY JOINER ??”
Attendant: “Yeah, the bawl player”
Owner: ” SHit .. umm .. yeah … tell the cops we had an arrangement to pick up the car, and you fucked it up.”
Attendant:” But ….”
Owner: “YOU FUCKED IT UP”
I’d be willing to wager my next paycheck the employees or owner of that towing company will have some nice seats in the swamp for at least the rest of this season. Something is rotten in Gainesville.
October 3rd, 2007 at 7:24 am
60
SunDawg says:
What the cops saw: car removed from impound lot w/o authorization = second degree felony.
What Urban Meyer saw: player out past curfew = run me some laps.
These charges will be dropped, I guaranteeeeee u.
Watson will become an honorary Bull Gator.
Fotbaw Rulz!
October 3rd, 2007 at 7:40 am