Sailing makes me feel so free, man. Filed from a catamaran off the coast of Walton County, FL.

Hey, kitten. Yes, you. You in the corner, there. You look so…stressed. And stress will just kill ya, baby. Chill out with some smooth grooves here, ’cause even though we just went through some rough waters, there’s smooth sailing ahead, baby. Have a pina colada on me. Talk to my friend Chuck for four minutes of feelin’ good.

Yeah. That’s better now, isn’t it? The wicker chair and mirrored coffee table? Oh, yeah, they’re new.

Sometimes you lose, baby. Now that we’ve got the catamaran into some smooth waters baby, let’s just talk. Sometimes, you lose. Sometimes everyone loses, baby. It’s part of the whole cosmic game. Oklahoma lost to Dan Hawkins and Colorado Buffaloes, who live that clean mountain lifestyle, baby: all granola, no free radicals, power crystals and free-range chicken and hot tubs and shit. Oklahoma was gassed in the fourth quarter from the altitude and coughed up a shot at the title, baby. It happens.

It’s Chinatown, Dennis. Let it go.

And when you lose, someone’s really happy. Like USF? They’re really, really happy right now, because they kicked the shit out of West Virginia. (SNNIIIIIIIFFF!) Whoa. And Maryland? They’re just freaking ecstatic that they just kneecapped Rutgers’ entire season, especially because they’re not that good. And Cal? Well, they nearly lost to Oregon, but fortunately the Ducks autodeleted their chances of a win at the last second with a fumble into the endzone. Remember the end of Chinatown? When the worst thing in the world happens? Well, that ain’t it. Fumbling into the endzone on possible tying TD is.

Sometimes you lose to a 300 pound quarterback. And losing happens in thousand wild ways, darlin’. Pass me the fondue fork, will ya? And a napkin, because there’s no way I’m getting cheese on this new Izod. Anyway, look out there. There’s fish in that sea. Big ones. And none of them weigh more than Josh Freeman, but he beat Texas anyway, baby, mostly because the Longhorns just gave them every enchilada he wanted, especially to receiver Jordy Nelson, who got 116 yards on 12 receptions and a TD from the big man.

And you see, there’s a duality there that hangs it all together, right? Enchiladas of sadness for Texas, right? But for Freeman? Those were enchiladas of happy, baby, filled with the guacamole of sweet victory. Pass me that mirror….

Sometimes, even ninjas lose. (SNNNNIIIIFFFF!!!!) Ah, woo! That’s great shit. Anyway, sometimes even ninjas lose. Like Florida. They’re ninjas. They’ve got all these plays, and formations, and stuff. And they’re fighting this big, strong retard. Big motherfucker who’s gonna do one thing: hit you in the face.

So Florida’s like, BAM! throwing star, bitch! And it hits the retard in the arm, and he keeps coming.

So Florida’s like, WHAM! Nunchuks, fucker! And it bounces off the retard’s head, and he keeps on rushing in toward ‘em.

So Florida’s like, WHAM! Death touch, yeah! And the retard picks him up and throws him into a tree shredder.

So yeah, ninjas. They get thrown in tree shredders, too. Pass me that mirror one more time.

At least singlet guy won. And when singlet guy wins, we all win.


Photo courtesy of House Rock Built, whose proprietor is the one hoisting Singlet Guy skyward.

Hey…did we just drop anchor? Where the hell are we? Those aren’t…sharks…are they? Call the Coast Guard, dammit. But pass me that mirror one more time, first, sweetie. And that flare gun. Yes, I’m firing wherever I damn please today.