Darren McFadden is slave to no man’s whims, and we love him for that. The dress-wearing, cruisin’ on 22s beast dressed up with backfield mate Felix Jones for Halloween, and in Thighsman fashion did not disappoint. Darren could actually pull a Fred and propel a car with stone wheels to full speed in a matter of seconds, which makes the costume more than appropriate for him.

HT: Greg, but view the rest of the photos over at SportsCrack.

We’re taking our plastic orange pumpkin and going out with them for the night, and not coming back until we fill it with beer and candy corn. (Man, that’s gonna be some kind of fun to crap out.) In the meantime, please remember to moderate your candy and alcohol intake. You might make the scene all day…but tomorrow there’ll be hell to pay.

First, in factual news: LSU QB Ryan Perrilloux has been cleared of any wrongdoing in an incident at the Varsity in Baton Rouge this past Friday, and will be allowed to play in this weekend’s game versus Alabama. Linebacker Derrick Odom, however, will be charged with something later today and then dismissed from the team.

This all comes from WJBO, and is likely close to factual. We’d like to think this account of what happened at the Varsity is just as factual. However, this is the internet, and like Ed Orgeron taking off his shirt and challenging everyone on the Ole Miss football team to fight, it’s at the very least truthy enough to repeat. So remember: it’s not fact, but it’s fact-esque. And that’s awesome enough for us.

Concussed? Sure. Scurred? Hell no, and loving it.

Saturday night, one of the LSU football players was “performing” (rapping) at the Varsity (LSU had a bye last week). So naturally, a lot of the team showed up in support. Xavier Carter, who has found some trouble when hanging out with Odom and Perriloux in the past, was also at the bar that night. Apparently, one of the bouncers there had gotten into a fight with Carter a few years back. There were a few words between the bouncer and Carter, but things eventually died down between the two. However, Odom didn’t want to let things die down. So he’s running his mouth and starting shit with the bouncer as well. Perriloux is there, not stopping things but not backing down either.

At the same time, there were a bunch of local mixed martial arts guys having a party upstairs at the bar. One of these guys was friends with the bouncer, and the next thing you know, you have MMA guys and football players talking shit. From what I heard, the testosterone was through the roof, as you can imagine. So the night ends and they’re kicking people out, and the MMA guy and Odom end up in the parking lot, where the fight breaks out. Needless to say, the MMA guy beats the dogshit out of Odom. Perriloux was supposedly the one who threatened to go get a gun, but when you’re getting your ass spanked by a bunch of steriod junkies who fight for a living, what other choice do you have? (Besides not fighting to begin with, but that’s when you lose street cred, and next thing you know you’re getting raped in prison. And Odom ain’t no punk bitch).

Nope. He may be a menace to public safety and squanderer of a football scholarship to a fine university, but when you willingly take on someone with a neck like watermain and visible backne, you, sir, are no punk bitch. Thick-skulled? Possibly retarded? Cursed with an acute lack of understanding of applying force to the tender, breakable parts of a body in an disciplined rapid fashion? Yes.

Punk bitch, though? No, sir. And Derrick Odom may take that “not punk bitch” status and leave the LSU Tigers holding it proudly. Street value=0$, and exactly several million less than an NFL draft pick’s signing bonus.

Traffic has caused some serious congestion here in tubeland. We apologize for the delays, and have all varieties of internet commandos working away at the issue.

…Earl Bennett, who should catch 20 passes for 3045 yards and 23 tds versus Florida’s zombiefied secondary this week. Earl’s website has a ticker in the lower right hand corner detailing the number of career catches he has–”215 and counting,” according to the latest update.

That Bennett’s been the unstoppable slant-eating YACbeast that he is while playing for Vandy means that someone, somewhere on an SEC recruiting team needs to be shot immediately and replaced with a film-watching ape. (No Ed Orgeron jokes, please.) Bennett’s “off the field” film is set to the music from T-Pain’s “Shawty,” which means that he, too, can show you what a real dood like, and how to talk while you take pipe, ladies.*

*If that doesn’t get you wet, ladies, well…you’re human and have standards. It’s the worst love song we’ve ever heard.

Heads had to roll, and roll they did in this week’s blogpoll. In fact, if this were detached head theatre, this would be like the battle scene from Detached Head Theatre Presents: Mean Girls, the Director’s Cut. (The movie ended with a spectacular battle scene with no fewer than 57 decaptitations. Dr. Strangelove originally ended with the world’s biggest pie fight. The editing room floor has claimed much greatness.)

Anyway, outright apologies, errors, and hapless defenses of our poll follow.

Rank	Team	Delta
1	Ohio State	5
2	LSU	1
3	Oregon	1
4	Arizona State	—
5	Oklahoma	2
6	Kansas	3
7	Missouri	2
8	Boston College	1
9	West Virginia	3
10	Connecticut	10
11	Texas	—
12	Wake Forest	14
13	Clemson	13
14	California	9
15	Auburn	11
16	Tennessee	10
17	Georgia	9
18	Michigan	8
19	South Florida	11
20	Virginia Tech	5
21	Purdue	5
22	Alabama	1
23	Virginia	4
24	Hawaii	—
25	Brigham Young	1

Please take our vote for tOSU at number one as a white flag of surrender. We ran out of reasons not to place them in the top spot this week.

Oregon and Arizona State will shake out soon enough, since they play this weekend in Eugene. (Rudy Carpenter’s banged up–advantage, Oregon.) Kansas and BC are more troublesome in terms of proofing; Kansas v. Missouri will be a pivotal game for both in the last week of the season, but even then you’ve got the confounder of the Big 12 game in there to boost/sink one team dramatically while others sit statically in the poll. Boston College looked shaky versus Virginia Tech, and when the ship starts to list they just keep throwing, throwing, and throwing with Matt Ryan. He attempted 52 passes in Blacksburg; do that enough against a Miami or Clemson through the home stretch, and any quarterback will make a critical mistake.

Clemson looks particularly nettlesome for BC: on the road in a difficult environment, clouds of bourbon wafting off the stands, a dominant run game to grind clock, and a decent enough defense to force Ryan into mistakes.

Florida, g0nz0rz. A defense with the give and tenacity of talc on the hardness chart gets you sent to poll purgatory. Pray for forgiveness and a final spot in the high teens.

Having given UConn the respect they deserve, we now fully expect them to cough up a home loss to Rutgers in return. MAO! Ditto for sentimental fave Wake Forest, who we’ve undoubtedly got too high, but that Jim Grobe just seduces us each time with his pluck and spunk. Plus they can beat anyone in their conference–that helps,too.

The rest, of course, is a total weeping mess. Especially the SEC knots with Auburn, Georgia, and Tennessee, and whatever the hell we’re going to do with South Florida. They’ve become the oversized dinner table of poll: they don’t fit in the living room, but you can’t fit them in the dining room, but it’s too nice to leave out in the garage…it’s a mess. But we admit that, and for our brave ignorance we demand cookies. Shortbread, preferably.

An early Mustache Wednesday today, but an important one as we bid farewell to Robert Goulet, the golden-throated baritone who we remember most fondly as the villain in Naked Gun 2 1/2 and as one of the dinner guests in the final scene from Beetlejuice. Goulet never seemed to lose perspective on exactly where and when to make a cameo in popular culture, appearing on the Simpsons, doing commercials for college basketball on ESPN, and even participating in Wrestlemania VI. Hey, a gig’s a gig, baby–come to laugh, but stay to pray.

To the pro, dead at 73. 100 COCKTAILS TO YOU SIR.

Goulet also served as the inspiration for one of SNL’s most deranged and inspired late-night flatline hour skits, which you may view after the jump. Goulet! It’s a wrap.

(more…)

This week’s buys and sells, as presented by Hannibal and Orson. Enjoy.

Hannibal’s Buys:

Georgia. I feel your pain, Orson, but what happened at the Cocktail Party was an essential bloodletting if Georgia is going to take control of this wayward division with the kind of year-end run it pulled off last year. Troy, Auburn, Kentucky and Georgia Tech stand between 10-2 and, if Tennessee loses one of its last three conference games, the East title. We always wish for the very best health and welfare on behalf of our fellow man, of course, of course, but re: Thomas Brown’s injury, any event that results in more carries by Knowshon Moreno is a
positive event where the Bulldog offense is concerned. When Georgia has had that durable number one back in the past – Musa Smith, Verron Haynes, young Thomas Brown – Mark Richt’s offense has hummed, and here we are again.

Knowshon Moreno. Good.

Speaking of Richt: nothing to apologize for. The whole team storming the field was a fun, spontaneous move that boosted morale
for the rest of the game, and the game now will boost morale for the rest of the season. Georgia was dead for a decade and a half against Florida and dead in the East standings going into Saturday, and neither is true anymore. Just remember: like any good trick, it only works once.

Texas. Still hasn’t beaten a good team, but things seemed to gel in the second half against Nebraska. Colt McCoy is still making very “gutty” plays in the verable “small town hick” tradition, like staring down his first option or, occasionally, running around aimlessly after failing to recognize open men. But if the Longhorns will commit to running Jamaal Charles, dammit, and doing what they do best (the read option, if the quarterback is a threat to run), UT can finish the season on a six-game run and be in pretty good position for one of the wide open at-large spots in the BCS, or the Cotton Bowl at worst.

BYU. Just quietly cruising along in the Mountain West. (more…)

Ohio State fans have achieved the impossible. Despite craving the taste of teargas from birth, allegedly beating up handicapped people, and entering each game with the homicidal zeal of an ultra-nationalist Spartak supporter armed with a Camelbak full of cut rate vodka distilled from radioactive Ukrainian produce, you have become an object of sympathy.

Mission accomplished, Penn State fans. You now have the mantle of playing the barbarians in Capital One commercials. You can even now crush that small businessmen smugly in the ads, too, you dicks. You never give him a chance.

THAT WAS THE SICKEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN! YOU ARE THE MAN! We’re shocked they didn’t fistpound and then immediately play tummysticks out of sheer excitement before watching Penn State die a slow, miserable death 37-17 to Ohio State. We commend the Florida legislature for their foresight in passing a bill to make firing your weapon under threat legal, as these people clearly would have been shot in response to the beer-pelting. (Remember: don’t tase me, bro! Shoot me. Tasing is for real bitches.)

Subcommandante Wayne says he thinks these guys are bitches and all, and he woulda laid down some asskick flooring free of charge, but the Grand Am was broken and he couldn’t get to the game, man.

(Multiple tips: Yost, Big Ten Tailgate.)

Our special guest is Tom Jackheart, noted motivational speaker and men’s health speaker, joins us today for his breakdown of the college football season, and how it can revolutionize your life, your lovelife, your marriage, the way you drive, your ability to chop vegetables with precision, and your destiny. Take it away, Tom!

You must love your life in order to love your life. And in order to have the love you need to love your life to its fullest, that love must come from yourself. That means you have to love yourself first. Not easy, guys?

Wrong! You love yourself all the time and I know you do, because it all starts with the most important thing to a man: his penis. You think you know your penis like the back of your hand, but let’s face it: you really know the back of your hand like you know your penis.

But I’m telling you that in order to have that ultimate love, you have to get to know the soul of your manhood. Guys, that’s not easy–believe me, I know! I didn’t get from the minimum security ward of the Florida prison system where I was incarcerated for a crime I didn’t commit to where I stand before you today by lacking self-knowledge. A good lawyer helped, too!

(Pause for laughter. None comes. He proceeds.)

I got here by knowing myself, and not just in that cheap, frenzied way you practice daily. I know you’re saying to yourself: hey, I’ve “known myself” in bus station bathrooms, middle school parking lots, at the bathroom at work, and all over this great nation of ours. But I’m telling you: that’s not real self-knowledge. Understand the soul of your manhood, and understand yourself.

One way we can achieve this understanding is through analogy, so let’s take a look together through the lens of college football. Let’s learn. Let’s discover. Let’s meet your penis in a football uniform.

USC

Some of you are USC. It’s huge, right? And you’ve done some pretty amazing things with it, putting it wherever you liked for a long time, sometimes against the odds, and everyone knew about it thanks to some pretty good publicity from those you worked with, eh? You probably even steered a boat or two with it from time to time, or played the ol’ wristwatch trick on a friend or two.

Now, though, you’re a bit down. Maybe it’s work. Maybe it’s the pressure of sustaining that performance. Maybe you’ve gotten–wait for it!–cocky? Now you’ve…how shall we say this…turned the ball over a bit too many times recently?

If this is you, you’re in possession of a USC manhood. Proud! Highly visible! And burdened with great expectations. It’s not easy being able to carry not just the towel but several dishrags and a bathrobe on your manhood, so pressure and high expectations is always the name of the game for you. Sometimes, this means dominating championship performances! Sometimes, it means drooping late against Stanford. It’s work keeping something so heavy up for so long.

Texas Tech.

So you’re not the biggest guy. In fact, you might bend in a slightly different direction than anyone else–several inches in a different direction, actually. That’s fine, because with the way you do things, good word gets out one way or another. (more…)

We know that Tommy Bowden’s head is on the chopping block for the fifth season in a row at Clemson, meaning that you think the man would take some offensive chances once in a while. He really didn’t need to against Maryland this Saturday in a game where both James Davis (129 yds, 29 carries) and C.J. Spiller (106 yds, 17 carries) both gained over 100 yards in a 30-17 win.

This achievement gave Bowden untold points in his NCAA 2007 profile on XBox and also ensured that he could continue to ask Cullen Harper to make the short throws and efficient decision making that are hallmarks of the Rod Spence offense. It also meant that with a substantial lead, Bowden could monkey around a bit if he chose to during the waning minutes of the game.

But going for a 434 yard field goal with 2 seconds left in the first half? Forget any complaints about Mark Richt. That is classless behavior of the tenth degree, and elicited the following comment from his father, Florida State coaching legend Bobby Bowden: “Applesauce mmmrrrph.”

Classless by any means: the 434 yard field goal.

(Massive HT: KP.) The other telling bit from this outlandish attempt: with a field of around 500 yards in length, Maryland finally has an excuse why they, with offensive genius Ralph Friedgen in control of the offense now, the Terps linger at 82nd in total offense with a mere 23.88 points a game.

Autumn Thunder has the real story on the spread offense: it’s obviously a communist plot.

In all fairness to USC fans, it’s not exactly hell in a handbasket when you’re 6-2 at this point in the season. Yet pain’s all relative, especially when you’re used to flying with the angels and happen to be last in turnover differential in the Pac-10, behind even Stanford and Arizona at -5 for the year.

Hell’s a relative term, but good photoshop trumps perspective. HT: LSUFreek.

Despite the obvious mention of the “new coaching staff” Tom Osborne claims that no decision will be made about the coaching staff until the offseason. Tom Osborne also wants to sell you some ocean front property in Arizona, promises you don’t have to worry about your daughter on prom night because she took a “virginity pledge” and extolled how much more difficult it is to recruit to Notre Dame because of the academic standards.

HT: W. Brinson.