Franchione: A Total Fucking Idiot. Officially.

TMZ.com’s blowing up like crazy these days, so they must be hiring, meaning you should forward Dennis Franchione’s curriculum vitae their way with all due speed. The brilliant, mold-breaking, team-building-exercise-lovin’ 1997-motivational-guru-of-tomorrow isn’t only a colossally overrated coach who ditched an entire organization overnight. He’s also a hell of gossip columnist for his own team.

The skinny (that’s what they say in gossip columns!):

Texas A&M football coach Dennis Franchione said Thursday he has discontinued a secret e-mail newsletter sent to select boosters willing to pay $1,200 per year for team information that Franchione routinely has withheld from the public.

“I knew it was probably going to be controversial,” Franchione said. “I certainly didn’t mean for it to be that. When I knew you guys were starting to ask around a bit, I thought, ‘Maybe we shouldn’t do this.’”

There’s your peaches, right there: Franchione saying that he didn’t think he should publish the newsletter once people started asking about the letter. The newsletter, as the article details, went out to around 12 subscribers who signed confidentiality agreements, a nice bit of frosting for the story since the newspaper was able to get a hold of the super secret, confidential newsletter in the first place.

This indicates several things. One booster among these 12 has sold off all his shares in FranRon, Inc–otherwise, how the hell did the paper get their hands on it in the first place? Second, Coach Fran trod on a real ethical line here, since leaking information on games that are always wagered on by gamblers (potentially the boosters themselves, no?) in secret isn’t illegal, but is certainly jankety, skeevy, and questionable at best.

But enough about character. We don’t know Franchione, the person. We only see Franchione the coach and his actions, leading us to our next point.

Three, it indicates something you can only write on the internet, but it’s something we feel comfortable saying because we think there’s ample evidence of it at this point: Dennis Franchione is a fucking idiot. A total fucking idiot.

–Overwrought game plans are high school offenses in disguise and never fail to squander the talents of players like Reggie McNeal and Jorvorskie Lane.

–Craig James was laughing at your defensive scheme on national television. That’s enough, right?

–Aggie record is 28-24 going into this season with an annual salary of over 2 million dollars.

–Claimed his father was buried in an Alabama sweatshirt…two months prior to leaving the job for Texas A&M.

–Left a team without saying goodbye to his players at Alabama.

–Lost 77-0 to Oklahoma in 2003

–Hit your grandmother with a semi and dared to claim the right of way.

Dennis Franchione parked your car for you.

And now, it’s come out that he’s selling exclusive info about the program in an extremely insecure format to subsidize CoachFran.com, including player injuries and unflattering player assessments, in a year when his job is clearly in danger.

The explicit editorial stance from here on out at EDSBS is that Dennis Franchione is a fucking idiot. A total goddamn piss-shitting paste-eating fucking idiot. We wouldn’t trust him with sinking a leaky barge full of bricks with the U.S.S. New Jersey. We wouldn’t trust him to feed our pet alligator Lawrence if we had freezer full of dead chickens and a shovel at the ready. We’d send him an email telling him all this, but we’d have to get in line, and he’s too busy emailing those friendly Liberians back with his bank account numbers. “I’m going to roll in my African riches! EXCELSIOR!!!”

Proven: Dennis Franchione is a fucking idiot. Q.E.D, motherfucker.

Note that no, this isn’t an attack on his character. This an attack on his intellect or lack thereof. These are all very public and very stupid actions on behalf of a person. It’s not garbage, Mike Gundy, if you can back it up. Franchione has a habit of doing very stupid things in the public eye. Objectively stupid things, like this, like leaving Alabama without saying goodbye, like pretty much everything about the Miami gameplan, like his mismanagement of Reggie McNeal. There’s plenty out there to back it up. His resume of dumb is deep, compelling, and documented.