IN MEMORIAM: MARK MAY'S GOATEE, 2005--2007
by Orson on Sep 27, 2007 5:52 PM EDT
Email
Print
R.I.P.: 2005ish-2007ish. Mark May's goatee died sometime in the last week at the age of twoish, cut down in a few snips by cruel blades in a bathroom somewhere in the vicinity of Bristol, Connecticut. The killer is believed to be May himself, and though his motives are unknown, there is some speculation: too much grey peeking through the southern hemisphere of the goatee, a general fatigue with the facial hairstyle, and a sudden reaction to the realization that the goatee is the mustache of the IPhone generation, and not in that good, ironic way, either.
The goatee accomplished much in its short life. It served as the launching pad for a thousand smirky moments of analysis, serving as the Cape Canaveral for Titan IV-scale rockets of smug. It caught countless crumbs of food and drink for later consumption by its master. Most importantly, it served as a Fart Pipe of sorts for May's 12-cylinder engine of self-satisfaction, embellishing his already substantial aura into a force field of vaingloriousness.
We at EDSBS pour one out for the Mark May Peltstache. Indeed, the world is less smug place today for its absence. Put crepe bows round the white necks of public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves...
27 comments
|
0 recs |
Do you like this story?
Comments
did it ever act as a “flavor saver?”
as a side note, i never thought anyone could make me long for analysis from mark may the way lou holtz has.
by gerry dorsey on Sep 27, 2007 6:02 PM EDT reply actions
I think it was more of a “dick target.”
by adolf oliver bush on Sep 27, 2007 6:05 PM EDT reply actions
Lou Holthhhhh gave one of those “rah” “rah” speeches to May about how it was better to go hair-less than to have a goatee because it was easier to spell – And, May bought into it!!!!!
by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me on Sep 27, 2007 6:07 PM EDT reply actions
What’s really amusing is between the story and the comments is an ad for Viagra
by Techie on Sep 27, 2007 6:14 PM EDT reply actions
I thought I heard him say on ESPN a few weeks ago that the goatee was gone until Notre Dame won a football game.
by Rob on Sep 27, 2007 6:28 PM EDT reply actions
well then hopefully we will never see it again
by imisscollege on Sep 27, 2007 6:41 PM EDT reply actions
Does this mean we can have May cremated? Immediately?
by Allahver Fist on Sep 27, 2007 6:55 PM EDT reply actions
Rockets of smug indeed!
Methinks in Mark’s case, the goat/beard combo was a d!ck tickler…
by Irwin Fletcher on Sep 27, 2007 7:22 PM EDT reply actions
Wow-
Lou Holtz will miss it tickling his face.
by DeathRattleSports on Sep 27, 2007 7:46 PM EDT reply actions
A Titan IV reference?
Wow, as a Rocket Guy I am impressed. See if you can sneak a Delta IV Heavy into a future column
by AdaTex on Sep 27, 2007 7:59 PM EDT reply actions
Boise is Stalinist Russia, look at those colors, every other section is wearing blue or orange…the coordination is outstanding.
by Brian on Sep 27, 2007 8:31 PM EDT reply actions
eric y and jay whitlow are concerned over all of the accusations that this goatee has seen more than its share of time buried in the private parts of teammates. eric y and jay whitlow would like to know just exactly how the goatee got linked up with Stalin and Sammie.
eric y and jay whitlow are just glad the thing is gone.
by eric y on Sep 27, 2007 9:06 PM EDT reply actions
brian,
i was thinking the same thing…makes a white out look like fucking kindergarten.
by gerry dorsey on Sep 27, 2007 9:18 PM EDT reply actions
Lou Holtz just compared USF to the bumblebee? What?
by juanmiguel on Sep 27, 2007 9:39 PM EDT reply actions
I suspect the goatee fell out of its own accord, from the shock of witnessing Lou’s touchdown dance on College GameDay Final.
(Did no one else see that? I expected 77 crazy people would have had it YouTubed by the end of the Hawaii game.)
by Blog Goliard on Sep 27, 2007 11:16 PM EDT reply actions
How soon will Transitive Football Herpes infect Cinncinati, now that former Irish QB Demetrius Jones is transferring to the school?
You’d think that with things going so well (the first ranking since the Carter Administration), that Cincinnati would know better.
by Will on Sep 28, 2007 4:56 AM EDT reply actions
Goliard,
I think I saw a quick shot of it- doesn’t Rece Davis come over and hug him at the end?
by MiseanAUFan on Sep 28, 2007 6:40 AM EDT reply actions
Im pleased that Erin Andrews is back in mid-season form after looking rusty in her first few outtings.
by Brian on Sep 28, 2007 9:13 AM EDT reply actions
Did he cite taller wide receivers as the justification for the pick of mustache over goatee?
by Jimer on Sep 28, 2007 9:25 AM EDT reply actions
#19, Jones got out before the infection was transferred…he’s clean.
by Two and Out on Sep 28, 2007 11:29 AM EDT reply actions
- — that’s a bit like saying you can’t be the daddy because you used the rhythm method.
Transitive Football Herpes will now eat Cincinnati, and it is a shame too; we need someone to expose the Big Least as overrated
by Will on Sep 28, 2007 11:42 AM EDT reply actions
Someone please grab the clip of tonight’s halftime where Lou Holz picked the Cal/Oregon winner.
He picked Oregon’s QB: DICKIT
Rewound 4 times… it’s the only clear word he spoke.
by Bucky on Sep 28, 2007 10:01 PM EDT reply actions
The goatee is the new mullet.
And just like the mullet and pleated pants, it will take the douche bags another 10 years to realize they are out of style.
by Stubby on Sep 29, 2007 9:34 AM EDT reply actions
’Fess up: You got this idea from the back page of Esquire from a couple of months ago, right? My favorite was the obit for the “tramp stamp.”
by Steve on Sep 30, 2007 3:16 AM EDT reply actions
Comments For This Post Are Closed
Secondary Sidebar
User Tools
FanPosts
Community blog posts and discussion.
Certain photos copyright © 2012 by Associated Press or Getty Images. Any commercial use or distribution without the express written consent of Associated Press and Getty Images is strictly prohibited.
