GOLDEN UNICYCLE DIARIES.

Back without popular demand: The Golden Unicycle Diaries return, where Peter and Orson use the wonder of internet chat to spin mental detritus into gold! Or at the least, affordable cotton/rayon blends cut in contemporary patterns, cuts, and styles!

We discuss this week's games. Enjoy? Yes. Enjoy.

Orson: wearing this to the game on Saturday.

Peter Bean: What's up in your world?

Orson Swindle: I'm so Master Chief this week. It's HALO-ween

PB: Ah, feeling violent. Was it Ole Miss?

OS: Oh, yes. We coudl have used something from the game. There's this thing called an antigravity hammer in Halo 3. I call it the Tebow-rod. It doesn't require ammo.

PB: Can it do four play action maneuvers all by itself?

me: Yes. But you hit things with it so hard and so many times, that at one point, you just can't hammer any more. You've outbludgeoned bludgeoning, and you have to stop. Just like Tebow, who looks like he's doing the electric slide back there on some plays.

PB: Let's pull up this week's schedule.

OS: Hold on, i can do that with my anti-grav hammer DONE!!! I also just repelled Beano Cook fifty feet into a brick wall through the portal of ESPN.com. He's still asleep!

PB: And start with Friday - West Virginia-USF. There won't be anti-gravity in Tampa. But there will be lots of hair gel.

OS:Yes, WVU. Noel Devine as Q-bert. He doesn't sidestep, he edits the film to make himself go sideways.

PB: I was thinking Sonic the Hedgehog.

OS: That's McFadden. Always forward. And craves gold coins.

Peter: I bet Nutt trains him like a greyhound. Coins and rabbits and hydraulics out in front of him. CHASE!

OS: I bet he tries that, and D-Mac has no clue what he's doing. EAT 'EM! THEY'RE COINS!

OS: "What the fuck, H-Nutz?"

PB: I imagine the Arkansas huddles are delightful. Play gets called in. D-Mac says, "Fuck all that. Gimme the fuckin pig, baby."

OS: I bet Casey Dick just cries and nods.

PB: He uses his hand towel to daub away the tears.

OS: This matchup makes little sense. Last year Slaton was injured, no? Burns from approaching the speed of light, I think?

PB: Yes. Cracked his ankles breaking the sound barrier.

OS: Common in Morgantown. I thought he tripped over the sound barrier.That's a painful one.

PB: Matt Groethe as sitcom character: go

OS: House? No rhyme or reason

PB: But gets it done at the end.

OS: I just like the idea of him walking with a cane, and then buh-BLAU! He busts out at a dead sprint for a first down. He's a maverick. Unpredictable. Dependent on pain medication.

PB: MacGyver, perhaps. He's crafty, out there, looks rather douchey

OS: No mullet. But he does live in Tampa. You can pull one out of the ether there.

PB: To Saturday - can you explain why Oregon-California is a 3:30 game?

OS: Yes. Wake and bake, dude! Wake. And bake. KNOW WHAT I'M TALKIN' BOUT BRO?

OS: Oh, and ESPN hates the West coast.

PB: Except for USC, who occupy the night slot against Washington. What a waste. Wake and bake is grand, but I want to be boiling drunk for Cal-Oregon evening game. They botched it.

OS: Completely. Penn State at Illinoize: Morelli is getting better and better!

PB: I agree. Two more years in the system and he'll be league-average. Progress is progress man.

OS: Morelli just tried to send me an email. It missed--I think it's in your inbox.

PB: Zing!

OS: Seriously they're seriously awful on offense seriously.

PB: I liked Joe Pa's decision to try to run up the middle against Michigan. It worked in 1965. It'll work today. Screw spreading the field.

OS: Worked in 1965--just like the domino theory. JoePa's fighting communism one iso play at a time. If they hit forty points, the Congo falls to the hottentot reds!

PB: Hopefully he's adaptable. "Beat Michigan, the rest will fall" is off the table.

OS: Texas has k-state? I can haz vengeance for Texas?

PB: We do. We'll be trying to sack an oak tree.

OS: Or Vince Young's penis. Same thing.

PB: Speaking of things which will kill you--

OS: (Ron Prince for some reason reminds me of the OxiClean guy.)

PB: Fans in the midwest will be getting Michigan State-Wisconsin instead of Cal-Oregon. You're welcome.

OS: Why would they want Cal-Oregon? They score vile olde touchedownes out there. Again: that's commie football. If they only all had the Big Ten network...

PB: Speaking of revenge, will Tim Tebow eat Tommy Tubberville on Saturday?

OS: No. Not even Timmy can down those ears. They'd lodge sideways in his mighty gullet. Tebow may rip them off, tie them to his back, and throw him off the stadium lip. That's how Tebow will break the Red Bull Flugtag North American record: Tuberville, earless, flying above Gainesville for 780 feet before landing gently in on University Ave and being hit by an oncoming tractor trailer.

OS: I hate the way Auburn plays. I don't even know where they get points. They keep a few in the coolers on the bench, I think.

PB: They should join the Big 10. Wisconsin-Auburn! Race to 2!

OS: You know that goofy does football game that ends with 10 and a half points? That's an Auburn score. I hate playing them.

Peter: They had no business ruining your perfect season last year

OS: Yes, they did. In the streak of blissful conquests, they were our Vietnam. We didn't know who was shooting. We had no plan. We came out covered in tears and fleeing in a helicopter.

OS: BTW--Charisma alert! Pitt plays UVA Saturday. You were talking about race to two?

PB: Can we fly Chan Gailey in to complete the lobotomal trifecta

OS: No. This would result in the heat death of the universe, a.k.a. The Beige-ening!

PB: I will never understand why ESPN does not cover football as we do. The Beige-ening! Part 2.

OS: Forecast for weather gameday: eh, okay. Attendance:Not so many, not so few. Game summary: Not bad, one team lost, one team won. No big whoop.

PB: Is Gameday at Cal this week? If so, I want Lee Corso not to do the traditional donning of the mascot head. I want him to pull out a bong and take a big rip, while the crowd looks at each other with confusion. "Who'd he pick?" "I cant tell."

OS: Oh, yes. Live from Eugene. Piles of weed jokes. The duck's been spunky, lately. Perhaps he'll assault Corso.

PB: He's a vicious looking Duck. Four Day Meth Bender look on his face.

OS: SmileX! Gives 'em a grin, ageyun, and ageyun.

OS: I'm backtracking. But I can't believe that Al Groh and Dave Wannstedt are coaching against each other and being paid to do so.

Peter: The midfield pregame handshake should be fun. Dave: "You prepare much for this?" Al: "A little. You?" Dave: "A little." Al: You okay with a tie?" Dave: "I'm okay with a tie."

OS: Al: "I'm gonna call a fake punt in the late second." Dave: "Me, too."

OS: Al: "Can we call them at the same time?" Dave: "I dunno. Lemme check the rule book."
Al: "That would be boss, Dave."

PB: "I always pass deep on 2nd and short." "Ok. Me too." "Meet for a drink after the game?" "Definitely. Cranberry juice okay?" "Ideal."

OS: "No surprises, ok?" "No surprises. I hate those." "Me, too."

PB: "The fans hate surprises."

OS: "All eight of 'em that showed up."

PB: "They are here. Let us give them what they expect." "3 and out?" "Alwaays"

OS : The "most susceptible to THIS IS OUUUUUURR COUUUUNTRY bowl" goes to Bama/FSU in Jax. You could lay a Starbucks Frappucino in the middle of that fracas, come back three hours later, and it will be completely untouched. Or filled with piss and skoal spit. I'm not touching it after that, anyway.

PB: And Fun Bags

OS: Lots of skin cancer at this game.Dormant and active. And goatees. I still maintain that the goatee is the unironic, naff mustache of our age.

PB: My goatee joke bag is empty. They're just gross... Sorry - scraping my jaw off the floor. A perfect 10 just walked right by me. In South Bend, Indiana!

OS: Tag her.

PB: I tackled her.

OS: Tranq her first, but tag her and spray paint a number on her side. This makes later study and recapture easier.

PB: First tackle of the year in this town.

OS: Point to the Texan team!

PB: Any upsets on your radar this week?

OS: Let's check--Rutgers at MD? No. Maryland's got amazing slows.

PB: It's in New Jersey, so no.

OS: Ray Lewis is on their sidelines a lot. Only way they win is if Ray Lewis feels threatened and starts cuttin' and gets Ray Rice.

PB: I like Penn State to implode this week.

OS: "I like Penn State to implode every week." Fixed that for you

PB: Good editing

OS: I like Illinois there, too.

PB: If Texas loses, I may be calling you from the top of a tall building. Prep for a replacement host Sunday night.

OS: You won't lose. K-State's offensive line sux with an 'x.' But Ron Prince knows this great way to get the bloodstains out of your favorite blouse.

PB: I'm bringing a Power Towel just in case. I'll wave it at Freeman and see if he tries to eat it.

OS: No, Josh, no! That was our last trainer! (Freeman:NUM NUM NUM NUM NUM!)

PB: He will be the first QB-to-Nose Tackle conversion in football history.

OS: QB to Public Utility.

PB: "Is that Casey Hampton?" "No, Josh Freeman."

OS: Just plop him right in the fucking Platte River. Instant hydroelectric power!

OS: If Iowa State beats Nebraska, we will eat a Chizik-nickel

PB: Nebraska is still ranked, by the way.

OS: "Nebraska is still rank, by the way" Never should have taught me gchat italics!

PB: You're catching all my typos today.

OS: Games I will watch because I am sad, sad, sad. Florida Atlanta at Kentucky. Schnellenberger catches Woodson running out of bounds, breathes in his face. Woodson won't sober up until Thanksgiving. 'Cats still win.

PB: I want Kentucky to pull Les Miles' pants down. So, so badly. It would serve the purpose of cosmic justice. Please, Lord, make it so.

OS: You can't talk about Les Miles' pants. Unless you hear about it from Les Miles. Now give him taffy!

PB: I'M A MAN, DAMNIT! I CAN TALK ABOUT WHOMEVER I WANT! I'M 27 YEARS OLD! DO YOU EVEN HAVE A BLOG?

OS: If you did, you'd understand. But you DON'T. But one day you will. And you'll understand that people who correct your spelling are the most fucking annoying people ever.

PB: I'm out of time for today, Orson. But I have to ask you something before I go.

OS: Sure.

PB: What is Charlie Weis doing with his life?