CURIOUS INDEX, 9/27/07

by Orson on Sep 27, 2007 10:42 AM EDT

Oh, yes. He's a wideout. Mario Manningham celebrated two wins in a row for Michigan by doing the worm. No extra sauce needed for this:

(HT: The Wiz) The Wiz speculates that the worm was popularized by the wrestler Scotty 2 Hotty, which may be true in the short run; however, the Wikipedia entry credits the move to Sophie Tucker, a '20s vaudevillian with a voracious sexual appetite and who, in her old age, looked like Ralph Friedgen in drag. Our world spins somewhat more eccentrically knowing this.

Pat Sims, public relations genius. Auburn defensive tackle, he of the complete and total stoppage of Deshawn Wynn on the goal line versus Florida last year, may have been "light-hearted (and)... not boastful" when he said this to the media this week about the cast he wears on his hand to protect his fingers.

"Hes not going to run through me," Sims said. "When he gets a feel of this club he isn't going to want more problems."

Whew, that's piquant! Practically Oscar Wilde-ish! Were Florida that witty, we'd have players saying things like "I'm going to hit Brandon Cox so hard he shatters into six individual American Girl dolls." Just light-hearted fun like that--not boastful, or calling advance attention to something I might swing at an opposing qbs head, balls, knees, or throat, raising the risk of a personal foul and a loss of fifteen yards for my team.

He's really better at center. Or wideout. Or anywhere, really. The nation's leader in sacks isn't playing at the position Jim Leavitt wanted him to play at--center. USF's George Selvie has 8.5 sacks on the year already, and could have a few more given Pat White's 300 carries a game.

In case you were wondering, that's no typo: each person in the West Virginia backfield carries the ball 300 times a game. Rich Rodriguez doesn't just control the line of scrimmage--he's got wormholes and temporal distortions on his side. That's the kind of shit the spread-option does to the fabric of the universe, lawya.

A hero named Swindle. Not us--Ken Swindle, the Tuscaloosa police chief whose department who nabbed three UPS employees stealing tickets from Alabama season ticket holders through the mail and routing them to ticket brokers. Unstoppable men, the Swindles.

You want hell? She's bringing it with her.

Someone call William Proxmire! He's dead? Get him anyway! The highest paid employee of the federal government is not in the executive branch, but rather in the Navy: their football coach Paul Johnson, who makes a million a year, more than the President, VP, Secretary of State, and that brave soldier who swims five miles at night underwater to slap a mine on the side of a ship, crawls ashore, makes love to a beautiful woman, rescues her, and flies off with the blueprints in an enemy helicopter just as the harbor explodes. Their name? Well, her enemies know her as the Black Widow, but around the White House, they just call her Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao, the best soldier this army's got, friend.

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Hmmm. Should have suspected anyone with the name Mario is a douchebag.

by bhors on Sep 27, 2007 10:53 AM EDT reply actions

Chao is the Secretary of Labor, not Transportation.

by John on Sep 27, 2007 10:55 AM EDT reply actions

Elaine Chao is a raging bitch.

by PeteJayhawk on Sep 27, 2007 10:57 AM EDT reply actions

Corrected.

by Orson Swindle on Sep 27, 2007 10:59 AM EDT reply actions

Pat Sims = Tebow tenderizer

by PROTHRO'S GOOD LEG on Sep 27, 2007 11:00 AM EDT reply actions

This morning I got up, performed my daily ablutions, ate my Weetabix, and sat down to make my usual list of Five People Whose Pictures Are Least Likely To Show Up on EDSBS.

Elaine Chao was #3.

Good show, lads.

by Blog Goliard on Sep 27, 2007 11:02 AM EDT reply actions

Sounds like Sims may have gotten to you. Didn’t think you’d have time for that shit.

Isn’t Manningham the guy who caught Henne’s desperation pass against App State and started flexing over the defender…just before they lost to a Division 1AA school? Just curious. Asshole.

by OhioDawg on Sep 27, 2007 11:06 AM EDT reply actions

If Michigan wins against Northwestern, Manningham is going to bust out a tribute to Merton Hanks.

by Eric on Sep 27, 2007 11:09 AM EDT reply actions

he’s got wormholes and temporal distortions on his side
Such language (plus “ingot” from the other day) supports my assertion that Orson Swindle is two people, one of whom is an engineer.

The highest paid employee of the federal government is not in the executive branch
But does he make more than Wolfowitz’s girlfriend? That would be impressive. And knowing that he’s in the executive branch would explain why he isn’t accountable to his fans (or taxpayers).

by wilbur on Sep 27, 2007 11:11 AM EDT reply actions

the “duck walk” was the shit. however it can not be duplicated by anyone with a normal length neck. therefore, mario would merely be posing.

by gerry dorsey on Sep 27, 2007 11:17 AM EDT reply actions

But does he make more than Wolfowitz’s girlfriend?

She’s earning it the hard way though – kissing an old man’s nether regions at the Annapolis City Dock would probably be a relief by comparison.

Still, whatever she makes is tax free, as she’s a foreign national, so that must be some small consolation.

by DC Trojan on Sep 27, 2007 11:18 AM EDT reply actions

Git yer jerky ready, boys. Pat Sims is messin’ with Sasquatch.

by Allahver Fist on Sep 27, 2007 11:20 AM EDT reply actions

Isn’t Paul Johnson making more like $1.7M after his contract was redone this past offseason? Technically, he’s not the highest paid federal employee – the vast majority of his salary comes from the Naval Academy’s equivalent of an athletic booster club.

My season tickets “disappeared.” Luckily, they were for NC State, so I’m sure whatever unscrupulous thief nabbed them hasn’t been able to unload them yet.

by Herb on Sep 27, 2007 11:35 AM EDT reply actions

Dear Curious Index,

Please post this video in the sincere hope that LSU will stop intentional face mask penalties that could result in players getting very seriously hurt. Oh, and it would be nice to get a fair shot at winning the game as well.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=O2k0FLerfDg

by Gamecocks on Sep 27, 2007 11:56 AM EDT reply actions

- I don’t think Orson is two different people, rather, he’s just a huge nerd who’s read too much science fiction and/or seen Star Trek: The Next Generation too much. How do I know? Because I do just that myself.

by GainesvilleRamblings on Sep 27, 2007 12:00 PM EDT reply actions

When UM beats Penn State next year, Mario will do the soulja boy(I just learned what that was).

by Scalz1 on Sep 27, 2007 12:02 PM EDT reply actions

Pat Sims ruins Tim dick tebow’s year with shot to nuts. Gladly takes 15 yard penalty in first half, Tigers win by 25.

by James on Sep 27, 2007 12:03 PM EDT reply actions

I’m startin’ to get that “’bout to get laid” feeling about Auburn pulling the major upset saturday night… It’s like my stomach is full of butterflies- on acid and meth and Twinkies and Jolt Cola.

by Bo Knows Your Momma on Sep 27, 2007 12:06 PM EDT reply actions

Okay, I work for the DOL and I have to say that seeing Secretary Chao’s face on EDBS is easily the weirdest moment I’ll have this year.

by ChicaGoBlue on Sep 27, 2007 12:09 PM EDT reply actions

all sports and coaches are funded through the NAAA, a non-government organization…taxpayers aren’t paying for Navy sports

by GoalieLax on Sep 27, 2007 12:10 PM EDT reply actions

- DC Trojan – Living in Annapolis, I can imagine what that would look like in vivid detail. Hilarity sir, hilarity.

by Brian on Sep 27, 2007 12:15 PM EDT reply actions

#14

No. Thank you, drive through.

by GEAUX on Sep 27, 2007 12:22 PM EDT reply actions

- do you even pay attention to this blog enough to realize there was already a bitch session between a few posters (me included) about that wrongfully accusatory video- a day or two ago? As one poster put it, sure the hit to Captain’s neck was a cheap shot, but by far the rest of that video is what normally goes in during games between both teams. An intentional face mask gets an unsportsmanlike call, as that one did. Look at the scoreboard – we lost a game that was called pretty fair (or equally unfair) with respect to both teams. Want to bitch – bitch about the lousy run defense by the Cocks. Bitch about the stupid pass plays we were giving up as if we were running a prevent. Don’t bitch about hard hitting players.

by Out of Conference on Sep 27, 2007 12:27 PM EDT reply actions

I can’t stop now – #14 do you realize we had lots of chances to win that game… but didn’t because of not paying attention on special teams, missing easy tackles, zero run defense on easily stoppable plays, and silly passing plays allowed. Credit LSU for the win, but the Cocks could have made that a thriling game to watch had we bowed up just a little better on D.

by Out of Conference on Sep 27, 2007 12:32 PM EDT reply actions

Would that make TCOAN a polygamist?

by PW on Sep 27, 2007 12:33 PM EDT reply actions

#13

The person who got them probably committed suicide. Or moved to Kinston, which is the same thing.

by yoyofutbawl on Sep 27, 2007 12:55 PM EDT reply actions

I finally watched that dumb video thanks to #14. Meh.

The biggest impression made on me was this: somebody doesn’t know when to stop with the jazzy text effects. Having the big-small lines slide in and out is kinda cool the first time, on the title screen. The 52nd time, when they have to slide five times to complete a sentence, half of which you’re trying to read in little bitty type? Gaaack.

Hmm…complete and utter lack of visual taste…was that video actually a Clemson fan setting you up the bomb?

by Blog Goliard on Sep 27, 2007 1:27 PM EDT reply actions

Orson,

Is it true that the UF Fanbase will be doing a Jorts-Out at the Swamp Saturday?

by NewAZTiger on Sep 27, 2007 1:28 PM EDT reply actions

And hmm…PW seems to have stumbled onto iron-clad proof that Orson must be singular. Polyandry is something that I’m sure a true Conscience of a Nation would never have anything to do with.

(Unless there’s more than one wizard behind the TCOAN curtain too…and then, only if there is absolutely no offline interchangeability allowed.)

by Blog Goliard on Sep 27, 2007 1:35 PM EDT reply actions

NewAZTiger

100 COCKTAILS have been credited to your account.

by PW on Sep 27, 2007 2:24 PM EDT reply actions

Don’t give Leavitt shit. Look no further than Arkansas DC Reggie Herring and his musical chairs defense.
Jamaal Anderson was recruited as a WR. Matt Hewitt moved from LB to S this season. Ernest Mitchell is back at DT after work at DE before he went all William Wallace with his helmet in the Bama game. Fred Bledsoe is still backing up Marcus ecstasy Harrison though, who has moved to DT backing up both Malcolm Sheppard and Mitchell. Adrian Davis is now starting at DE.

Elston Forte replaces Ryan Powers at linebacker, a week after Michael Grant was moved from S to CB, replacing DJ Hall’s red-headed stepchild Jarrell Norton. Kevin Woods moved into S.

by Stephen Colboar on Sep 27, 2007 5:07 PM EDT reply actions