Oh, yes. He’s a wideout. Mario Manningham celebrated two wins in a row for Michigan by doing the worm. No extra sauce needed for this:

(HT: The Wiz) The Wiz speculates that the worm was popularized by the wrestler Scotty 2 Hotty, which may be true in the short run; however, the Wikipedia entry credits the move to Sophie Tucker, a ‘20s vaudevillian with a voracious sexual appetite and who, in her old age, looked like Ralph Friedgen in drag. Our world spins somewhat more eccentrically knowing this.

Pat Sims, public relations genius. Auburn defensive tackle, he of the complete and total stoppage of Deshawn Wynn on the goal line versus Florida last year, may have been “light-hearted (and)… not boastful” when he said this to the media this week about the cast he wears on his hand to protect his fingers.

“Hes not going to run through me,” Sims said. “When he gets a feel of this club he isn’t going to want more problems.”

Whew, that’s piquant! Practically Oscar Wilde-ish! Were Florida that witty, we’d have players saying things like “I’m going to hit Brandon Cox so hard he shatters into six individual American Girl dolls.” Just light-hearted fun like that–not boastful, or calling advance attention to something I might swing at an opposing qbs head, balls, knees, or throat, raising the risk of a personal foul and a loss of fifteen yards for my team.

He’s really better at center. Or wideout. Or anywhere, really. The nation’s leader in sacks isn’t playing at the position Jim Leavitt wanted him to play at–center. USF’s George Selvie has 8.5 sacks on the year already, and could have a few more given Pat White’s 300 carries a game.

In case you were wondering, that’s no typo: each person in the West Virginia backfield carries the ball 300 times a game. Rich Rodriguez doesn’t just control the line of scrimmage–he’s got wormholes and temporal distortions on his side. That’s the kind of shit the spread-option does to the fabric of the universe, lawya.

A hero named Swindle. Not us–Ken Swindle, the Tuscaloosa police chief whose department who nabbed three UPS employees stealing tickets from Alabama season ticket holders through the mail and routing them to ticket brokers. Unstoppable men, the Swindles.

You want hell? She’s bringing it with her.

Someone call William Proxmire! He’s dead? Get him anyway! The highest paid employee of the federal government is not in the executive branch, but rather in the Navy: their football coach Paul Johnson, who makes a million a year, more than the President, VP, Secretary of State, and that brave soldier who swims five miles at night underwater to slap a mine on the side of a ship, crawls ashore, makes love to a beautiful woman, rescues her, and flies off with the blueprints in an enemy helicopter just as the harbor explodes. Their name? Well, her enemies know her as the Black Widow, but around the White House, they just call her Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao, the best soldier this army’s got, friend.