EDSBS » 2007 » September

September 27, 2007

IN MEMORIAM: MARK MAY’S GOATEE, 2005–2007

R.I.P.: 2005ish-2007ish.

Mark May’s goatee died sometime in the last week at the age of twoish, cut down in a few snips by cruel blades in a bathroom somewhere in the vicinity of Bristol, Connecticut. The killer is believed to be May himself, and though his motives are unknown, there is some speculation: too much grey peeking through the southern hemisphere of the goatee, a general fatigue with the facial hairstyle, and a sudden reaction to the realization that the goatee is the mustache of the IPhone generation, and not in that good, ironic way, either.

The goatee accomplished much in its short life. It served as the launching pad for a thousand smirky moments of analysis, serving as the Cape Canaveral for Titan IV-scale rockets of smug. It caught countless crumbs of food and drink for later consumption by its master. Most importantly, it served as a Fart Pipe of sorts for May’s 12-cylinder engine of self-satisfaction, embellishing his already substantial aura into a force field of vaingloriousness.

We at EDSBS pour one out for the Mark May Peltstache. Indeed, the world is less smug place today for its absence. Put crepe bows round the white necks of public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves…

Filed under: Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, ESPN Hollywoodtainment! by Orson Swindle

[ 27 Replies ]

WILLIE WILLIAMS EATS THE EVIDENCE, BOOTED FROM CARDS

We know why this man craves popsicles now.

The Louisville Cardinals defense has played much of 2007 in a vague fog. Now we become aware that one member has been playing it in a very specific type of fog: marijuana smoke. And no, it’s not just any member of the defense–it’s Willie Williams, the troubled blue-chip recruit who was arrested at least ten times during high school, bragged of receiving fishy benefits in a recruiting diary in the Miami Herald, sprayed strangers with a fire extinguisher during his visit to the University of Florida, was under investigation at one point for “hugging a woman against her will,” had the president of the University of Miami excusing his admission in the press, bombed out of Miami when he couldn’t crack the starting lineup, and finally ended up in Louisville for his umpteenth chance.

And on cue–POOF!–it all goes up in smoke again as the bell tolls BONG, BONG, BONG for him again with an arrest for marijuana possession and eating the evidence on the scene.

About 9:40 p.m. yesterday, a police cruiser pulled behind Williams on West Broadway and attempted to pull him over, according to a police report. Williams failed to pull over for several blocks until he stopped at Second and Broadway, where an officer found him chewing on marijuana, according to the report.

Williams has been dismissed from the team, and could face up to five years in jail for the combo charges.

Filed under: Big East Conference, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, back like cooked crack! by Orson Swindle

[ 42 Replies ]

GOLDEN UNICYCLE DIARIES.

Back without popular demand: The Golden Unicycle Diaries return, where Peter and Orson use the wonder of internet chat to spin mental detritus into gold! Or at the least, affordable cotton/rayon blends cut in contemporary patterns, cuts, and styles!

We discuss this week’s games. Enjoy? Yes. Enjoy.

Orson: wearing this to the game on Saturday.

Peter Bean: What’s up in your world?

Orson Swindle: I’m so Master Chief this week. It’s HALO-ween

PB: Ah, feeling violent. Was it Ole Miss?

OS: Oh, yes. We coudl have used something from the game. There’s this thing called an antigravity hammer in Halo 3. I call it the Tebow-rod. It doesn’t require ammo.

PB: Can it do four play action maneuvers all by itself?

me: Yes. But you hit things with it so hard and so many times, that at one point, you just can’t hammer any more. You’ve outbludgeoned bludgeoning, and you have to stop. Just like Tebow, who looks like he’s doing the electric slide back there on some plays.

PB: Let’s pull up this week’s schedule.

OS: Hold on, i can do that with my anti-grav hammer DONE!!! I also just repelled Beano Cook fifty feet into a brick wall through the portal of ESPN.com. He’s still asleep!

PB: And start with Friday - West Virginia-USF. There won’t be anti-gravity in Tampa. But there will be lots of hair gel.

OS:Yes, WVU. Noel Devine as Q-bert. He doesn’t sidestep, he edits the film to make himself go sideways.

PB: I was thinking Sonic the Hedgehog.

OS: That’s McFadden. Always forward. And craves gold coins.

Peter: I bet Nutt trains him like a greyhound. Coins and rabbits and hydraulics out in front of him. CHASE!

OS: I bet he tries that, and D-Mac has no clue what he’s doing. EAT ‘EM! THEY’RE COINS!

OS: “What the fuck, H-Nutz?”

PB: I imagine the Arkansas huddles are delightful. Play gets called in. D-Mac says, “Fuck all that. Gimme the fuckin pig, baby.”

OS: I bet Casey Dick just cries and nods. (more…)

Filed under: All-Conference, Blog Buddies, I have sugar problems, bizarro superman says you're welcome by Orson Swindle

[ 30 Replies ]

AFTERNOON DELIGHT

Ragin’ Cajun Rebel sends us good tidings from last weekend’s South Carolina/LSU. According to him, this sign managed to stay up for one whole our before it came down.

We’d love to slip into easy mock-frat-boy mode here: yeah, brah, fucking tight! Yet, with our own susceptibility to dick jokes, we just can’t help but tip the sombrero to the DKE house. Well done.

Filed under: Blog Buddies, College football, Southeastern Conference by Orson Swindle

[ 41 Replies ]

SHOES, SEX, WHATEVER: HENTON ARREST EXPLAINED OR NOT

That’s entrapment, Trebek!

This is the internet, meaning that this is the place for rumor, hearsay, and spurious stories of dubious sourcing, all sponsored by possibly fraudulent products. So to combine the twin pillars of this glorious virtual universe, we promise that if you read the following explanation of Ohio State 3rd string qb Antonio Henton’s arrest for soliciting a prostitute, your penis/boobs/both, if applicable will grow to twice their normal size when you finish.

One sexual attribute-enhancing rumor, coming right up:

He was driving through that area (a few blocks south of campus) on his way to buy some shoes. While driving along, he was flagged down by a woman who approached his car and asked if he wanted to have sex. Then the uniforms came and arrested him. It should be dismissed as entrapment, and they apparently arrested 10 other people that night in that location. Henton really is a good guy…God damn man trying to keep a dude just gettin’ some shoes down. Fight the power!

What is omitted is Henton’s response to the solicitation, which seems important. We turn this over to the EDSBS legal department, since half of our readership seems to squeeze in visits in between billable hours, while the other half reads this from white-collar prison while trying to get in some consult time with the half reading this from their law offices: is this entrapment? And if so, can we say it with a Sean Connery accent while making eyes at Catherine Zeta-Jones in a catsuit?

Filed under: Big 10 Conference, Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Ohio=pwned by Orson Swindle

[ 48 Replies ]

CURIOUS INDEX, 9/27/07

Oh, yes. He’s a wideout. Mario Manningham celebrated two wins in a row for Michigan by doing the worm. No extra sauce needed for this:

(HT: The Wiz) The Wiz speculates that the worm was popularized by the wrestler Scotty 2 Hotty, which may be true in the short run; however, the Wikipedia entry credits the move to Sophie Tucker, a ‘20s vaudevillian with a voracious sexual appetite and who, in her old age, looked like Ralph Friedgen in drag. Our world spins somewhat more eccentrically knowing this.

Pat Sims, public relations genius. Auburn defensive tackle, he of the complete and total stoppage of Deshawn Wynn on the goal line versus Florida last year, may have been “light-hearted (and)… not boastful” when he said this to the media this week about the cast he wears on his hand to protect his fingers.

“Hes not going to run through me,” Sims said. “When he gets a feel of this club he isn’t going to want more problems.”

Whew, that’s piquant! Practically Oscar Wilde-ish! Were Florida that witty, we’d have players saying things like “I’m going to hit Brandon Cox so hard he shatters into six individual American Girl dolls.” Just light-hearted fun like that–not boastful, or calling advance attention to something I might swing at an opposing qbs head, balls, knees, or throat, raising the risk of a personal foul and a loss of fifteen yards for my team.

He’s really better at center. Or wideout. Or anywhere, really. The nation’s leader in sacks isn’t playing at the position Jim Leavitt wanted him to play at–center. USF’s George Selvie has 8.5 sacks on the year already, and could have a few more given Pat White’s 300 carries a game.

In case you were wondering, that’s no typo: each person in the West Virginia backfield carries the ball 300 times a game. Rich Rodriguez doesn’t just control the line of scrimmage–he’s got wormholes and temporal distortions on his side. That’s the kind of shit the spread-option does to the fabric of the universe, lawya.

A hero named Swindle. Not us–Ken Swindle, the Tuscaloosa police chief whose department who nabbed three UPS employees stealing tickets from Alabama season ticket holders through the mail and routing them to ticket brokers. Unstoppable men, the Swindles.

You want hell? She’s bringing it with her.

Someone call William Proxmire! He’s dead? Get him anyway! The highest paid employee of the federal government is not in the executive branch, but rather in the Navy: their football coach Paul Johnson, who makes a million a year, more than the President, VP, Secretary of State, and that brave soldier who swims five miles at night underwater to slap a mine on the side of a ship, crawls ashore, makes love to a beautiful woman, rescues her, and flies off with the blueprints in an enemy helicopter just as the harbor explodes. Their name? Well, her enemies know her as the Black Widow, but around the White House, they just call her Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao, the best soldier this army’s got, friend.