PAUL JOHNSON RANTS PROPERLY

by Orson on Sep 26, 2007 2:44 PM EDT

Dan Hawkins: A true Spartan of coachrant.

In the pantheon of glorious rants, Mike Gundy's must be given short shrift due to its lack of the following things:

1. Thrown objects
2. Profanities
3. Actual, filmed assaults
4. An uncontrolled, free-form rantflow to it.
5. Instantly quotable lines.

Gundy was prepackaged, plastic, and can't possibly measure up to the foothills of the coach implosion Himalaya due to the lack of the five elements of a real, ass-ripping lunatic rant. Only the line "I'M A GROWN MAN! I'M FORTY!" comes close, and even then it's borrowing laugh-memory from Molly Shannon's Salley O'Malley and her enchanting Desert Rose. (He's Mike Gundy! He can kick! Stretch! And....KICK! FOUR-OH!)

He even brought props, a bush league crutches of the junior-circuit ranter. Props mean you planned it; ideally, a rant comes not from the heart, or the head, but instead from the lizard brain, unfiltered, uncontrollable, and irresistable. Mike Gundy, were he a cinematic murderer, would be William H. Macy in Fargo; a real ranter like Lou Piniella or Dan Hawkins is Mr. Brooks or Dexter, unwillingly turning the wheel over to the Dark Passenger without knowing it. If props are involved, they're hijacked on the scene, usually thrown without caring where they go or who they hit. (Hal McCray, phone; Lou Piniella, bases, Rob Dibble, an infant in a barfight with Billy Martin in 1977.)

Sadly, the best verbal coaching fit ever eluded recording devices. Marv Levy swore in an interview on the NFL Network that George Allen once went on a 45 minute tirade about the evils of snow tires. But failing that, for proper, grumpy bastard rant, call a pro like Paul Johnson, who'll run the triple option of rant-ropology by accusing you of working at McDonald's, getting angry, and wagering a public ass-kissing on the challenge. (HT: Peter.)

Reporter: Can I ask you something without making you mad?

Johnson: Maybe. I don't know.

Reporter: I was talking to a Navy fan and he said he follows the coverage and that he noticed something and I'm just going to put it to you. He says that it seems like when Navy loses you blame the players, i.e., we can't execute fundamental plays, but that the success of the team the last four years has been attributed to brilliant coaching. How do you respond to that?

Johnson: Whatever he thinks. I don't go down to McDonald's and start second-guessing his job so he ought to leave me alone.

Reporter: But do you feel like it can't be both ways?

Johnson: You know what? I could care less. I'm old enough where I could give a crap what the fans think or what you think to put it in a nutshell.

Reporter: Wins and losses are evenly distributed as far as credit and blame, right?

Johnson: If you could ever find one time that I said we won the game because of brilliant strategy I will kiss your butt at city dock and give you two days to draw a crowd. Find it and bring it to me. Tell that guy that if he wants to talk to me I live at [address given but deleted for the transcript] I will be right there. Come ring my doorbell and I will be glad to talk to him.

This, by the way, is Paul Johnson. We bet his buttcheeks smell of tanned leather and taste of Steak-Umms.

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Comments

Fuck Navy…

I miss our winning streaks from back in the 90’s… when we were able to put the fear of God into Auburn in Shreveport and Charlie Weatherbee was our bitch…

by Michigan Gator on Sep 26, 2007 2:57 PM EDT reply actions

Boone Pickens needs to hire Johnson for his university’s PR dept.

by HeadThief on Sep 26, 2007 2:58 PM EDT reply actions

And malted chocolate. Don’t forget the malted chocolate.

by Kenny on Sep 26, 2007 3:00 PM EDT reply actions

He could care less, huh? I wonder how much less.

by BDoc on Sep 26, 2007 3:11 PM EDT reply actions

Rob Dibble was throwing babies in bar fights when he was, like, 12? That is truly rant-tastic.

by irishdevil on Sep 26, 2007 3:15 PM EDT reply actions

City Dock? Is that like the Blue Oyster?

by Dr. StrangeCock on Sep 26, 2007 3:16 PM EDT reply actions

Whenever a reporter or five year-old asks, “Can I ask you something without making you mad?,” the proper answer is no.

by Gator03 on Sep 26, 2007 3:18 PM EDT reply actions

I’m thinking that Navy fans already know where Paul Johnson lives, and have SEAL-installed surveillance equipment throughout the the house. Then they drink fine rum and punch leprechauns while watching the live feed.

by Newspaper Hack on Sep 26, 2007 3:19 PM EDT reply actions

Re #6: City Dock is basically the main town square for Annapolis. It’s where you come into town off the Bay or the Severn River, and it’s about five blocks from the main gate of the Academy.

http://www.annapolis.com/cam/citydock.php

by DevilGrad on Sep 26, 2007 3:28 PM EDT reply actions

If only ‘Bama had hired this man and his Bryant-esque jowels. I’m surprised he didn’t respond, “Have you seen my record? At Navy? Damn right I’m brilliant.”

by Herb on Sep 26, 2007 3:28 PM EDT reply actions

Since when does it take 2 days to draw a crowd when there is an ass kissing at the City Docks?
I mean ,last time I checked, you mention, lips and bare ass in the same sentence and =boom= word of mouth and you have a crowd, mostly male, gay and wearing leather chaps, vest and leather beanie hats, but a crowd no less…..

by Baby-faced Genius on Sep 26, 2007 3:31 PM EDT reply actions

BTW, I was at the Duke-Navy game last weekend, and neither defense exhibited either brilliant strategy or the least shred of Division I-A athletic talent, particularly in the secondary.

(Offense was another story; Duke actually has two or three decent receivers and a kid who throws a nice deep ball. Navy is always fun to watch when they get the option rolling.)

by DevilGrad on Sep 26, 2007 3:32 PM EDT reply actions

“Come ring my doorbell and I will be glad to talk to him.”

Awfully nice and open-minded for Navy.

by Allahver Fist on Sep 26, 2007 3:36 PM EDT reply actions

do they still make steak-umms??? those things are fucking disgusting and i used to eat the this out of them when i was a kid.

but regarding the subject at hand. i do remember the bama nation throwing paul johnson’s name around at one point.

rule #1=YOU DO NOT GIVE YOUR ADDRESS TO BAMA NATION…LET ALONE INVITE THEM TO IT.

by gerry dorsey on Sep 26, 2007 3:41 PM EDT reply actions

Ok, it’s a different sport, but I’ve got just two words for you: Hal McRae: fulfills all the requirements and then some:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kamDqL-AGzI&mode=related&search=

by OhioDawg on Sep 26, 2007 3:49 PM EDT reply actions

Shouldn’t Rule #1 be: Don’t accept the job as head football coach at THE University of Alabama?

by Biggus Rickus on Sep 26, 2007 3:49 PM EDT reply actions

Why has there been no follow-up on this supposed statement by Johnson about his strategy winning a game? When there’s a public ass-kissing on the line, I expect a little more thrift in the fact-finding.

And, oh . . . fuck Navy

by Kernel on Sep 26, 2007 3:51 PM EDT reply actions

Wasn’t Navy’s fight song written and recorded by the Village People?

by Crabs on Sep 26, 2007 3:53 PM EDT reply actions

Does McDonald’s have Tahitian Treat?

by yoyofutbawl on Sep 26, 2007 3:56 PM EDT reply actions

Anyone think the “Click and create your own Zwinky” ad chick has great cleavage?

by Out of Conference on Sep 26, 2007 4:00 PM EDT reply actions

I have the utmost respect for Paul Johnson. His triple-option came to town last year and pillaged UConn for three straight painful hours. I like his attitude and I like his offense. He’s old-school. Good stuff. Go Paul Johnson!

by Edsall is God on Sep 26, 2007 4:02 PM EDT reply actions

+1 for spelling McRae correctly
-1 for not reading Orson’s post

by PW on Sep 26, 2007 4:05 PM EDT reply actions

Still waiting for mustache Wednesday mother fucker!

by The Last Dragon on Sep 26, 2007 4:05 PM EDT reply actions

Personally, I think #5 is by far the most important. That’s what makes it memorable…

Think:

1. They are what we thought they were!
2. Playoffs?!?!
3. Practice…..
4. …Stupid ass questions.
5. Go play intramurals, brother.

by Brian O'Blivion on Sep 26, 2007 4:05 PM EDT reply actions

Living in the same town as Georgia Southern, I have had the opportunity to witness Coach Johnson up close. He is old school and a helluva coach. The reporter’s question was really weak and deserved such a response.

by Statesboro Dawg on Sep 26, 2007 4:13 PM EDT reply actions

Maybe Paul Johnson should have gone to the Michael Vick debate via ESPN:
1.Personally, it disgusts me to see an African American athlete draw so much bad media for no reason at all…..

Sincerely, Terrell Owens and Pacman….

2.Free Pacman! Tank Johnson, and all 13 of the Bengals who got arrested……

Sincerely, The lady in the leather hat and red Vick jersey

by Baby-faced Genius on Sep 26, 2007 4:14 PM EDT reply actions

Obviously, this reporter never heard of the military’s ’Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell" policy.

It’s a damn shame the same reporter doesn’t cover the Ravens. I’d love to see that question posed to Brian Billick.

by GamecockTony on Sep 26, 2007 4:16 PM EDT reply actions

Dexter is a great show. About the only TV I watch besides cfb (since they killed Deadwood::sniff::)

And speaking of Paul Johnson and Bama, it seems he has about as much time for certain things as does Saban.

by Because They Can on Sep 26, 2007 4:17 PM EDT reply actions

On You Tube: Leave Paul Johnson Alone!

by Baby-faced Genius on Sep 26, 2007 4:17 PM EDT reply actions

Free Pacman! And all 13 of the bengals who got arrested……

Sincerely, The lady in the leather hat and red vick jersey

by Baby-faced Genius on Sep 26, 2007 4:19 PM EDT reply actions

The only reason I was benched is because I am white…….

Rex Grossman

by Baby-faced Genius on Sep 26, 2007 4:20 PM EDT reply actions

Personally, it disgusts me to see an African American athlete draw so much bad media for no reason at all…..

Sincerely, Terrell Owens and Pacman and OJ

by Baby-faced Genius on Sep 26, 2007 4:22 PM EDT reply actions

…and once again the Viagra (viva!!) ad at the end adds an extra, unplanned layer of humor to the post.

If, in fact, there turns out to be a connection between memorable press conferences and male enhancement products, then please God make the term “Rod-Rage” part of our daily vernacular.

by Cincy on Sep 26, 2007 4:22 PM EDT reply actions

How could you write about ranters without including the General, Robert Montgomery Knight?

I’m not sure about that middle name. It just sounded right.

by D'Jango on Sep 26, 2007 4:26 PM EDT reply actions

Best ranter of all time, Mora is in a league of his own.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=C3NDiMorX-o

by rob_star on Sep 26, 2007 5:00 PM EDT reply actions

15-

You forgot…..‘pucker pucker pucker!’

by spartymike on Sep 26, 2007 5:00 PM EDT reply actions

#11

I can promise you the one thing the US Navy and Iran have in common is that there is no homosexuality in either one.

by President Ahmadinejad on Sep 26, 2007 5:12 PM EDT reply actions

What in this post is causing an Always Maxi-pad ad banner to show up in AdSense?

by dogtown gator on Sep 26, 2007 5:32 PM EDT reply actions

I present Lee Elia. Go Cubs, Bitches!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uv23pqH9iG0

by JD on Sep 26, 2007 5:58 PM EDT reply actions

Gundy did it for the children… can that be so wrong?

by Defender90 on Sep 26, 2007 6:26 PM EDT reply actions

I don’t know, I feel like I’m giong to get some mileage out of “He goes to class, he’s respectful to the media, he’s RESPECTFUL TO THE PUBLIC”

For some reason the public respect warranted more volume than the school attendance or the respect shown to the media. A lot more. It’s a big deal in Stillwater, I guess.

by Brad on Sep 26, 2007 8:58 PM EDT reply actions