Today’s Mustache Wednesday comes to us with a bonus tale of heroism. The most interesting man in the world may actually be Doug Sauter, coach of the minor league hockey team the Oklahoma City Blazers and tamer of huge wild animals, not that guy with the beard whose blood smells like cologne. (Or Doug Sauter may be that man. We’re not sure.)


Doug Sauter, horsemaster. Happy Mustache Wednesday, motherfuckers!

Sauter singlehandedly arrested disaster in its tracks Monday at the Oklahoma State Fair when he halted a potential stampede of Belgian draft horses harnessed together in a train. The mustachioed hero…

…was at the fair Saturday attending the Centennial Expo’s Draft Horse Show when he saw a Belgian horse break free from its reins. That caused a chain reaction that spooked other horses, he said Monday.

He bit the ear of one of the spooked horses to stop it from stampeding.

“That’s how you stymie a horse,” he said.

“You bite as hard as you can, and it won’t move.”

The driver of the train then regained control of the horses. Belgian draft horses, in case you didn’t know, are fucking huge: Sauter wasn’t nipping on a mere feather of a pony ear, but instead likely growling and bearing down on the equivalent of a pulsating steak covered in horse hair and sweat attached to a very angry descendant of the massive proto-horses knights rode into battle. This was not, repeat NOT easy chewing.

To celebrate, Sauter then benchpressed two seated Japanese nurses, freed a wailing bear from a trap, and then commanded everyone on the scene to “stay thirsty, my friends.”

We twiddle our handlebar liplaser in tribute to you, sir. ONE HUNDRED COCKTAILS from us to Doug Sauter, who must have needed at least one frosty beverage to wash the horrible taste of horse’s blood from his mouth. (HT: BDoc.)