LOLCFB: KRAGTHRP’D
To close out a dreary Wednesday, what better than internet humor transposed to the pastime of your choosing? LOLCFB 4 U KTHX BAI.
September 26, 2007
MUSTACHE WEDNESDAY: DOUG SAUTER
Today’s Mustache Wednesday comes to us with a bonus tale of heroism. The most interesting man in the world may actually be Doug Sauter, coach of the minor league hockey team the Oklahoma City Blazers and tamer of huge wild animals, not that guy with the beard whose blood smells like cologne. (Or Doug Sauter may be that man. We’re not sure.)
Doug Sauter, horsemaster. Happy Mustache Wednesday, motherfuckers!
Sauter singlehandedly arrested disaster in its tracks Monday at the Oklahoma State Fair when he halted a potential stampede of Belgian draft horses harnessed together in a train. The mustachioed hero…
…was at the fair Saturday attending the Centennial Expo’s Draft Horse Show when he saw a Belgian horse break free from its reins. That caused a chain reaction that spooked other horses, he said Monday.
He bit the ear of one of the spooked horses to stop it from stampeding.
“That’s how you stymie a horse,” he said.
“You bite as hard as you can, and it won’t move.”
The driver of the train then regained control of the horses. Belgian draft horses, in case you didn’t know, are fucking huge: Sauter wasn’t nipping on a mere feather of a pony ear, but instead likely growling and bearing down on the equivalent of a pulsating steak covered in horse hair and sweat attached to a very angry descendant of the massive proto-horses knights rode into battle. This was not, repeat NOT easy chewing.
To celebrate, Sauter then benchpressed two seated Japanese nurses, freed a wailing bear from a trap, and then commanded everyone on the scene to “stay thirsty, my friends.”
We twiddle our handlebar liplaser in tribute to you, sir. ONE HUNDRED COCKTAILS from us to Doug Sauter, who must have needed at least one frosty beverage to wash the horrible taste of horse’s blood from his mouth. (HT: BDoc.)
PAUL JOHNSON RANTS PROPERLY
Dan Hawkins: A true Spartan of coachrant.In the pantheon of glorious rants, Mike Gundy’s must be given short shrift due to its lack of the following things:
1. Thrown objects
2. Profanities
3. Actual, filmed assaults
4. An uncontrolled, free-form rantflow to it.
5. Instantly quotable lines.
Gundy was prepackaged, plastic, and can’t possibly measure up to the foothills of the coach implosion Himalaya due to the lack of the five elements of a real, ass-ripping lunatic rant. Only the line “I’M A GROWN MAN! I’M FORTY!” comes close, and even then it’s borrowing laugh-memory from Molly Shannon’s Salley O’Malley and her enchanting Desert Rose. (He’s Mike Gundy! He can kick! Stretch! And….KICK! FOUR-OH!)
He even brought props, a bush league crutches of the junior-circuit ranter. Props mean you planned it; ideally, a rant comes not from the heart, or the head, but instead from the lizard brain, unfiltered, uncontrollable, and irresistable. Mike Gundy, were he a cinematic murderer, would be William H. Macy in Fargo; a real ranter like Lou Piniella or Dan Hawkins is Mr. Brooks or Dexter, unwillingly turning the wheel over to the Dark Passenger without knowing it. If props are involved, they’re hijacked on the scene, usually thrown without caring where they go or who they hit. (Hal McCray, phone; Lou Piniella, bases, Rob Dibble, an infant in a barfight with Billy Martin in 1977.)
Sadly, the best verbal coaching fit ever eluded recording devices. Marv Levy swore in an interview on the NFL Network that George Allen once went on a 45 minute tirade about the evils of snow tires. But failing that, for proper, grumpy bastard rant, call a pro like Paul Johnson, who’ll run the triple option of rant-ropology by accusing you of working at McDonald’s, getting angry, and wagering a public ass-kissing on the challenge. (HT: Peter.)
Reporter: Can I ask you something without making you mad?
Johnson: Maybe. I don’t know. (more…)
BLOGPOLL, WEEK FIVE: BRING THE HATREDCOPTER
Heyo! This week’s blogpoll has the strength of not being done ten minutes before deadline, so bring the hatredcopter, haters. It’s…it’s…almost competent.
Adamant refusals to apologize and open challenges to fight you in the Thunderdome follow.
| Rank | Team | Delta |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | LSU | — |
| 2 | Southern Cal | — |
| 3 | Oklahoma |  1 |
| 4 | West Virginia | 1 |
| 5 | Florida |  2 |
| 6 | California | 2 |
| 7 | Oregon | 1 |
| 8 | Wisconsin | 5 |
| 9 | Texas | 3 |
| 10 | Boston College | 1 |
| 11 | Ohio State | 4 |
| 12 | Rutgers | 2 |
| 13 | Kentucky | 6 |
| 14 | Clemson | 2 |
| 15 | Georgia | 3 |
| 16 | South Carolina | 2 |
| 17 | Cincinnati | 9 |
| 18 | Alabama | 6 |
| 19 | Missouri | 4 |
| 20 | Penn State | 11 |
| 21 | South Florida | 4 |
| 22 | Kansas | 4 |
| 23 | Arizona State | — |
| 24 | Hawaii | 2 |
| 25 | Virginia | 1 |
Dropped Out: Georgia Tech (#20), Nebraska (#21), UCLA (#22), Louisville (#25).
Open challenges to fight!
Poor-mouthing, my ass. Why WVU ahead of Florida? Because they’re pushes on offense and West Virginia, as far as we know, has at least one cornerback. That’s all. If Florida beats the huge, elephantine ears off Tuberville this weekend, then we’ll bounce them back up. Right now, a pass rush and ability to actually disrupt something the opposing offense differentiates the two, with Florida’s defense being a literal wall on the field: you can’t run into it, but you can certainly throw things over it at will. That’s going to asplode a-one of these games, and it may not the one you’re expecting at LSU, who hasn’t really thrown the ball at will…yet. Kentucky and Andre Woodson have us stocking up on the Bactine and aloe in advance, especially since Florida goes to Lexington.
Still gorilla/werewolf with chainsaw dick. USC’s a hair behind the Husqvarna-dicks in our mind. Cal gets the nod over Oregon pending this weekend’s result, since our readers have pointed out helpfully that Cal’s defense is actually stopping someone this year.
Respect Rutgers or die, motherfucker? When they beat someone of substance, they go into the top ten–as of now Mike Teel is second in the nation in passing efficiency, and he’s done this against harmless baby chick opponents. When he fights some bigass rooster of a team, they get in the henhouse. (Viva la agricultural metaphors!) Ditto for BC, who is just this close to getting in the top ten on Matt Ryan’s arm alone.
Other oddities, etc: Wisconsin has looked wobbly twice, but have actually beaten some people; Ohio State beat Washington, yes, but aside from being blinded by Jake Locker, the value of that and a Northwestern sacrifice lose out to Wisconsin’s more substantial conference win over Iowa. (Yes, even with palsied Balk-eye offense.)
More Big Ten revaluation with the rebirth of the Penn State absurdist offense and a huge plunge for them. Georgia bumps, Cocks droop, and we’re still unsure of how good Alabama is, so we hold a spot for them beneath awed-by-the-runway-and-lights Cincy. 20-24 is largely a muddle of high-scoring teams of dubious but sparkling record, and should be referred to as the 45 Point Block due to their habit of either scoring or giving up 45 points in every game.
Groh-mentum! We are not making this up. UVA gets the nod for being tied for the early lead in the ACC. Charisma, son, is for suckers and polygamists.
CURIOUS INDEX: 9/26/07
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 The zone read! YES! Excelsior! Coach Fran shockingly unworried. Dennis Franchione remains unworried about his Texas A&M squad following their beating at the hands, feet, and tire irons of the Miami Hurricanes last Thursday night. Because that’s what captains do! At times like this, they develop grand strategies! And motivational speeches! Excelsior, Aggies! EXCELSIOR!!! As for explaining why the Juggernaut Jorvorskie Lane got two carries the entire game against Miami, Franchione finally explained what happened. Hint: it involves strategy! And a map of the battlefield with little toy men and flags on it! “They had two outstanding defensive ends,” Franchione said. “One of the ways that we hoped to neutralize them a little bit was with the zone read. We didn’t get the ball to the edge and do as much with it after that as we had hoped. I certainly wish it would have played out differently than that.” Or that you’d watched Oklahoma run right up the fucking middle on them, another crazy response to a team with outstanding speed at the edge. Can you make it all flaming, like it was covered in glorious hellfire? Arkansas fans are passing the hat for a banner to fly over Arkansas games calling for Houston Nutt’s head, a la the banner that flew over the Outback Bowl announcing “WE TOLD YOU SO” during the [NAME REDACTED] era. Spell check, people! And also note that after the banner flew for the anti-[NAME REDACTED]s, it still took a loss to coach-killer Sylvester Croom the following season to kill the beast. In the meantime…sometimes even bleeding from the brain stem can’t keep you out of the booth. SEC officials, wielding their antigravity hammers of power, though, can. Don’t fuck with the MEAC!!! North Carolina A&T and NC Central University got in a huge, pepper spray heavy brawl captured on video. We can’t embed the video, so go over to the Wiz to take a gander. If you don’t feel like clicking there, well, here’s another football fight that’s equally awesome in a totally different way. Love me, love me. The Huskers claim they aren’t getting the support they crave. Hey! It was Ball State! They almost beat Michigan last…oh, never mind.
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