LES MILES ANNOUNCES NEW UNIFORMS
by Orson on Sep 25, 2007 12:29 PM EDT
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PrintThanks for comin', everybody. I'm Les Miles and I'm the head coach here at LSU. Please leave your taffy over in the Les Miles taffy bowl. I see most of you remembered to bring it, which means you all get scratch 'n sniff stickers to put in your books. The really generous ones get the banana flavored ones. I have skunk stickers for the rest of you.
YAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY TAFFY!!!!
I'm here today to introduce our special uniforms for the game against Tulane University. They really are special uniforms. And by this, I mean that they're magical. Our players will go faster, tackle harder, and make bigger plays. And this all happens because we'll be wearing our white magic pants.
Magicpants!Revealliarrmus!
Clap! CLAP, ALL OF YOU!!!
(Reporter clap awkwardly, sporadically. Miles claps and jumps up and down.)
YAYYYYYYYYYY!!! Taffy break! (Unwraps taffy slowly, chews, moans.) Oh, butterscotch, old friend. You never bring the blues with you, do you.
(Continues.)
My players complain sometimes. WAAAAAA!!! we don't want to watch The Return of the King again, or WAAAAAAA!!! we don't want to wear white pants because it makes us look fat. Whatever, chuckles!
We're talking about magic, the kind that wizards use and that dreams are made of, like when you dream about a national championship, or taffy, or even flying along through the sky on a flying millipede named Steve. Like, magic spelled with a 'k' at the end, just like old Merlin would have said it.
Magickal!That's the kind of magic you need to give people and make them believe in, just like my mentor Doug Henning believed him. He believed in the magic inside us all, and that it wore white pants and purple shirts. I wanted Nike to go and put three different kinds of purple on the shirt, but nooooo, they're all like "this money has to go to New Orleans, and these are the colors, Les".
Whatever. It's not my fault terrorists flew a hurricane into it nine years ago.
Oh, but look! There's a pelican sewn onto the sleeve, too. I have no idea why, but pelicans are badasses just like my team is. MY team. No one else's, no matter who recruited them--
--I SEE YOU COMING IN LATE, KLEINPETER!!! YOU OWE ME TWO STICKS OF TAFFY, YOU CHEAP CHEAPIE FATTIE MAN!!! IN THE BOWL!!! NOW!!!!--
--and they're gonna be badasses just like this pelican. Because pelicans eat other birds.
They can also fly, just like Doug Henning. They're also fireproof, something most people don't know, and can read trees' thoughts, which is why you always see them on docks, and never in trees. Because trees hate it when you sit in them--that's what the pelicans have taught me, and what you should learn from them, too.
Also, while I'm just kind of riffing up here--can we actually paint all the players white like this dummy? Not because I hate black people or white people or whatever, but just because--well, don't you all think that would be awesome? AGREE!!! NOD!!! YES, YES, ALL OF YOU!!!! We'd be like a bunch of albino cyborg warriors out there, sent to save the human race from self-destruction, evil aliens, and Nick Saban.
Especially Dorsey. Man, he'd look like the Pillsbury Doughboy out there, but evil and strong. We'd have to call him something like..."the Killsbury Woeboy." Yeah! Write that one down! That's some magick right there. I should start wearing my cape to these things, people!
Anyway, we're going to honor Tulane by beating them by fifty points this weekend. I will open the floor to question to the first person who brings me a stick of delicious saltwater taffy. The wizard refuses to speak until he gets some.
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For the sake of your fellow man, the photo of Doug Henning on the jump should have be listed as NSFW.
by blazin on Sep 25, 2007 12:37 PM EDT reply actions
This press conference has been brought to you by the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, and viewers like you…
by Eric on Sep 25, 2007 12:39 PM EDT reply actions
Nice work, Orson.
CHEAP, CHEAPIE, FATTIE MAN! lol
by Grateful Gator on Sep 25, 2007 12:39 PM EDT reply actions
Doug Henning is the Gallagher of magicians.
There’s something about those two that just makes me want to beat the living shit out of the both of them.
by Crabs on Sep 25, 2007 12:41 PM EDT reply actions
You should have saved this for tomorrow and used Henning for mustache Wednesday mother fucker.
by The Last Dragon on Sep 25, 2007 12:44 PM EDT reply actions
Those hippies out in Berkeley could learn a thing or two from pelicans.
by PW on Sep 25, 2007 12:48 PM EDT reply actions
those unis suck so hard that the pelican is actually one of the cooler features.
by the way, nice shot #4
by gerry dorsey on Sep 25, 2007 12:50 PM EDT reply actions
Oh, I thought you meant “special” as in “retarded,” not magickal.
Shit. Nike can now put another notch in its bedpost, having wrecked another perfectly good uniform. I wonder how they do it. Nike must feed its designers a steady diet of crystal meth, and now they’re starting to see shadow people and get meth bugs.
by Mr. Flibble on Sep 25, 2007 1:07 PM EDT reply actions
It’s not the blond wig wearing, three legged Peliphoenix that is so cool, it’s the bikini line ‘eye of the tigress’ that makes it hawt.
by Allahver Fist on Sep 25, 2007 1:07 PM EDT reply actions
As any Georgia fan who attended the ’00 Georgia Tech game will tell you, white pants are gridiron death. Of course, it is only Tulane.
However, it’s also after Labor Day, which is sure to earn Les a barrage of criticism from Joan Rivers.
by Doug on Sep 25, 2007 1:14 PM EDT reply actions
One day it’s going to be Leslie sitting in his garage in Ann Arbor, two buckets in front of him… picking up squawking pelicans from one bucket, and dropping their limp, lifeless bodies in the other… you wait in see.
by PeterPumpkinhead on Sep 25, 2007 1:15 PM EDT reply actions
Wasn’t Doug Henning the offensive coordinator of the Carolina Panthers last year? Sure looked like it.
by Herb on Sep 25, 2007 1:25 PM EDT reply actions
The pelican is the State Bird and a recognized symbol across the entire state of Louisiana. Specially since its on the State Flag. Jackass!
by Andy on Sep 25, 2007 1:31 PM EDT reply actions
“I should start wearing my cape to these things, people!”
well struck Orson.
by Cincy on Sep 25, 2007 1:34 PM EDT reply actions
Oh and by the way… that lazy bitch Haley LaFontaine will NOT be allowed to buy any replica jerseys when these magickal bad boys become available to the general public.
You think you’re fuckin’ good enough for a pelican? HUH!?!? DO YOU?!?!?
by Les Miles on Sep 25, 2007 1:38 PM EDT reply actions
heh.. that’s first time I got the “moderation” notice on this board. I didn’t realize the threads were cencored. :-)
by Cincy on Sep 25, 2007 1:41 PM EDT reply actions
Why has there been no mention of this yet?
http://www.alligator.org/articles/2007/09/25/opinion/columns/column1.txt
by Large Farva on Sep 25, 2007 1:47 PM EDT reply actions
I dunno. The White helmet and white pants bring back memories of Gerry Dinardo, another DOmer reject.
by Southern Papa on Sep 25, 2007 1:53 PM EDT reply actions
The angry looking pelican on the shoulds reminds me of the mascot of Southern Illinois. Neither angry salukis or pelicans strike fears in their opponents.
by TideInTx on Sep 25, 2007 1:59 PM EDT reply actions
No, I’m not bitter. I do think the better team won, but…..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O2k0FLerfDg
by ctgarric on Sep 25, 2007 2:00 PM EDT reply actions
Unless the pants are made of bacon, I ain’t interested.
by Clare on Sep 25, 2007 2:09 PM EDT reply actions
26,
I can’t hear that video over the sirens of the waaaahmbulance coming by to pick up you and the author of that video.
It takes a special, elite kind of crybaby to make a 7 minute plus video of a loss. Now I understand what UGA and other fans have told me about USC fans.
by LSUJoshua on Sep 25, 2007 2:10 PM EDT reply actions
Not that I particularly dig the special uniforms (especially that stupid “eye of the Tiger” on the pants – enough!), but the point is to raise awareness of and money for the continued recovery of New Orleans. Obviously that means more to LSU and Tulane than it does to EDSBS, but understand that Katrina isn’t a memory in Louisiana; it’s very much still the current reality.
by Cap'n Ken on Sep 25, 2007 2:12 PM EDT reply actions
Well, the pelican did something I rarely received during my married years…a nice big swallow.
by yoyofutbawl on Sep 25, 2007 2:17 PM EDT reply actions
According to Pliny the Younger, Pelians feed their young by piercing their own breasts and bleeding into the mouths of their chicks. Makes chainsaw dick look rather pedestrian.
by SherlockHemlock on Sep 25, 2007 2:20 PM EDT reply actions
I agree with Cap’n Ken, #29. Let’s get New Orleans rebuilt so we can send the remainder of the Katrina refugees back from Texas and other parts of the country.
by Southern Papa on Sep 25, 2007 2:23 PM EDT reply actions
And understand that we don’t believe Les Miles really thinks terrorists drove a hurricane into New Orleans, either.
by Orson Swindle on Sep 25, 2007 2:23 PM EDT reply actions
Josh, I am not crying. I still think that LSU is a national championship team and I am glad the score was as close as it was. But if I am right, and LSU is that good, there is no need for such things. Now I am not going to get into the ref stuff or the trick play (great call in my opinion), but trying to intentionally injure players from another team should never be tolerated. Period. Busch league.
by ctgarric on Sep 25, 2007 2:32 PM EDT reply actions
Is Les Miles really complaining about he turf on his HOME FIELD? He should be thanking his lucky taffy that his difficult games thus far (and next week) will be at Death Valley under the lights.
by Troy in Columbus on Sep 25, 2007 2:41 PM EDT reply actions
35 – That’s some whiny bullshit. Aside from the cheapshot to the neck that was shit that happens in every game to every team.
by Biggus Rickus on Sep 25, 2007 2:56 PM EDT reply actions
Living in Florida, I can tell you one thing: do not fuck with the pelicans. They are pretty fucking mean.
by Scalz1 on Sep 25, 2007 2:58 PM EDT reply actions
I think Tulane’s mascot is an angry pelican too. LSU may be in trouble, or at least Mike might be.
by Biggus Rickus on Sep 25, 2007 3:03 PM EDT reply actions
The pelican looks like the hood of a firebird.
by theoceancalled on Sep 25, 2007 3:09 PM EDT reply actions
LSUJoshy – #28 – stay classy. Oh, and you forgot to throw in a story about getting a chance to feed Mikey Part 6.
by Out of Conference on Sep 25, 2007 3:11 PM EDT reply actions
@41 -
Yeah, the Firebird that Doug Henning used to troll for prime strange. That killer mullet what Heart was singing about in ‘Magic Man’.
by tOSU_radar on Sep 25, 2007 3:17 PM EDT reply actions
OOC, Lighten up francis. I’m in no way taking pleasure over these injuries or making light of the loss to your team. I caught your msg (regarding the request for them to take it easy) in the other thread. I told LSU to take it easy on injuries and maimings, they just don’t understand english that well and my hand gestures are rusty, so I guess the request was lost in translation.
And I haven’t gotten around to feeding Mike VI anything but if you and that Clemson dude keep pestering me, I guess I will go out and feed him something. Be patient. I’m just glad to see USC and Clemson coming together in a common interest. It’s touching.
by LSUJoshua on Sep 25, 2007 3:28 PM EDT reply actions
That uniform is uglier than Janet Reno’s punani.
PD’sL
by Pat Dye's Liver on Sep 25, 2007 3:54 PM EDT reply actions
How much more evidence do people need that Phil Knight is evil and must be stopped?
Dear Lord I hope the next President converts Gitmo to the Uniform Designers’ Re-Education Camp that is so desperately needed in these dark (or, sometimes, eye-punishingly bright) days.
by Blog Goliard on Sep 25, 2007 4:44 PM EDT reply actions
Les the Moose: “Hey Rocky, watch me pull a trick play outta this hat!”
Mike the Tiger “ROOOOOOOAAAAARRRRR!!!!”
Rocky the Flying Squirrel: “Oh no, Les, not again!”
Les: “Did that little bitch Hayley switch my hats?”
by Raider Red on Sep 25, 2007 4:48 PM EDT reply actions
I am embarassed by those uniforms not only as an LSU fan, but moreso as a human being with perfect vision. It’s times like these that I truly envy the blind. Even you nearsighted/farsighted bastards can take your glasses off to blur this monstrosity.
If anyone needs me, I will be in the corner jamming an icepick through my retinas.
by LSU Meathead on Sep 25, 2007 5:03 PM EDT reply actions
No need for the icepick, pal. Just aim your best intense stare at an Oregon jersey. If that doesn’t fry your retinas, I don’t know what will.
by Blog Goliard on Sep 25, 2007 5:16 PM EDT reply actions
44 – Don’t worry – Coop will be along shortly and you can count on him to dive on the “SC is a bunch of whining bitches” hog pile. I think the Mike stories are usually interesting – I just it funny when you and he get into it about them though.
Sumbitch I wanted to win that damn game though.
by Out of Conference on Sep 25, 2007 5:26 PM EDT reply actions
What’s worse? Any Oregon uni or Clemmer’s all purple or all orange or orange on purple?
Talk about optical nightmares.
by UgasTexan on Sep 25, 2007 6:07 PM EDT reply actions
If the Firebird/Pelican logo thingy doesn’t become a permanent part of LSU’s logo arsenal, then there is no God. I want to see that fucker on a Pontiac, stat.
by Newspaper Hack on Sep 25, 2007 8:24 PM EDT reply actions
I’m guessing that more than half of this readership considers their vintage throwback jersey to be formal attire. That being said, aren’t we all making a bit much of this? It’s well intentioned and something different. It’s not like it’s going to be a mainstay and besides, does it really matter what one wears to a Tulane throttling?
by LSUfan on Sep 25, 2007 10:18 PM EDT reply actions
Not only will pelicans eat other birds, but the myth is that a pelican will rip meat off its own breast to feed its young. That’s why the Pelican is always shown with its beak turned towards the three smaller pelicans on the state seal.
It’s the state bird not because there are a crapload of pelicans flying around the state, but because the myth makes it a christian symbol in an overwhelmingly catholic state.
Will a gator rip part of itself off to feed its young? Who’s hardcore now?
by Joe on Sep 26, 2007 1:21 AM EDT reply actions
Wouldn’t it be great if Tulane decided to make the Tigers wear white on Saturday…
by gatorhippy on Sep 26, 2007 12:12 PM EDT reply actions
Isn’t a Pelican the closet living biological ancestor of a Pterodactyl?
by One And Done on Sep 26, 2007 2:05 PM EDT reply actions
- Tulan and LSU are both the visitors this weekend. Evidently, when that happens, Nike gets to choose???
by LSUfan on Sep 26, 2007 3:20 PM EDT reply actions
LSUfan (#57):
Apparently not…
It’s listed as a home game for Tulane…
http://tulanegreenwave.cstv.com/sports/m-footbl/sched/tul-m-footbl-sched.html
And listed as an Away game for LSU…
http://www.lsusports.net/SportSelect.dbml?DB_OEM_ID=5200&KEY=&SPID=2164&SPSID=27811
by gatorhippy on Sep 26, 2007 4:29 PM EDT reply actions
I was told that Tulane also has special uniforms for the game.
by Joe on Sep 26, 2007 5:29 PM EDT reply actions
So in reality…
This is really a shameless promotion of Nike apparel and an example of further interference of big name companies marketing their wares in amatuer sports…
by gatorhippy on Sep 27, 2007 1:03 PM EDT reply actions
Said Tulane Athletic Director Rick Dickson: “Tulane is pleased to collaborate with LSU in this effort with Nike. The significance of both teams competing in road uniforms serves as a reminder to all of that time of disruption in so many lives, and the pelican logo shows the continued efforts to rise above it.”
…is it wrong to always right?
by LSUfan on Sep 27, 2007 1:21 PM EDT reply actions
what’s the deal with the Les Miles taffy thing?
kinda like Daddy Loves Froggy…Froggy Love Daddy?
by J. Peterman on Sep 27, 2007 9:52 PM EDT reply actions
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