Thanks for comin’, everybody. I’m Les Miles and I’m the head coach here at LSU. Please leave your taffy over in the Les Miles taffy bowl. I see most of you remembered to bring it, which means you all get scratch ‘n sniff stickers to put in your books. The really generous ones get the banana flavored ones. I have skunk stickers for the rest of you.

YAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY TAFFY!!!!

I’m here today to introduce our special uniforms for the game against Tulane University. They really are special uniforms. And by this, I mean that they’re magical. Our players will go faster, tackle harder, and make bigger plays. And this all happens because we’ll be wearing our white magic pants.

Magicpants!

Revealliarrmus!

Clap! CLAP, ALL OF YOU!!!

(Reporter clap awkwardly, sporadically. Miles claps and jumps up and down.)

YAYYYYYYYYYY!!! Taffy break! (Unwraps taffy slowly, chews, moans.) Oh, butterscotch, old friend. You never bring the blues with you, do you.

(Continues.)

My players complain sometimes. WAAAAAA!!! we don’t want to watch The Return of the King again, or WAAAAAAA!!! we don’t want to wear white pants because it makes us look fat. Whatever, chuckles! We’re talking about magic, the kind that wizards use and that dreams are made of, like when you dream about a national championship, or taffy, or even flying along through the sky on a flying millipede named Steve. Like, magic spelled with a ‘k’ at the end, just like old Merlin would have said it.

Magickal!

That’s the kind of magic you need to give people and make them believe in, just like my mentor Doug Henning believed him. He believed in the magic inside us all, and that it wore white pants and purple shirts. I wanted Nike to go and put three different kinds of purple on the shirt, but nooooo, they’re all like “this money has to go to New Orleans, and these are the colors, Les”.

Whatever. It’s not my fault terrorists flew a hurricane into it nine years ago.

Oh, but look! There’s a pelican sewn onto the sleeve, too. I have no idea why, but pelicans are badasses just like my team is. MY team. No one else’s, no matter who recruited them–

–I SEE YOU COMING IN LATE, KLEINPETER!!! YOU OWE ME TWO STICKS OF TAFFY, YOU CHEAP CHEAPIE FATTIE MAN!!! IN THE BOWL!!! NOW!!!!–

–and they’re gonna be badasses just like this pelican. Because pelicans eat other birds.

They can also fly, just like Doug Henning. They’re also fireproof, something most people don’t know, and can read trees’ thoughts, which is why you always see them on docks, and never in trees. Because trees hate it when you sit in them–that’s what the pelicans have taught me, and what you should learn from them, too.

Also, while I’m just kind of riffing up here–can we actually paint all the players white like this dummy? Not because I hate black people or white people or whatever, but just because–well, don’t you all think that would be awesome? AGREE!!! NOD!!! YES, YES, ALL OF YOU!!!! We’d be like a bunch of albino cyborg warriors out there, sent to save the human race from self-destruction, evil aliens, and Nick Saban.

Especially Dorsey. Man, he’d look like the Pillsbury Doughboy out there, but evil and strong. We’d have to call him something like…”the Killsbury Woeboy.” Yeah! Write that one down! That’s some magick right there. I should start wearing my cape to these things, people!

Anyway, we’re going to honor Tulane by beating them by fifty points this weekend. I will open the floor to question to the first person who brings me a stick of delicious saltwater taffy. The wizard refuses to speak until he gets some.