Alabama fans move slower in the long run–Fire [NAME REDACTED] went up in a matter of days following the ill-fated hiring of [NAME REDACTED] at Florida. However, for fast-twitch muscle fiber, no fanbase can rival that of the Crimson Tide’s: www.firecoachnicksaban.com went live on Sunday the 23rd, mere hours after the Tide lost to Georgia in overtime at Bryant-Denny Stadium in The Britney Game.
The site says “Nick’s middle initial is L. That stands for a ‘lil overrated.” This starts with an ‘A’, but we’re not the language police around here, or even the logic police. If you’d like to start off the site with loss one, then that’s your right, you proxy server lovin’ anonymous person, you. (Hey, at least we hide in plain sight.)
Just don’t accuse Georgia players of drinking Frappuccinos. That’s beyond the pale, really, especially when we guess Mark Richt, like most coaches, would drink weak Maxwell House from a clogged raingutter if he had to to get his caffeine fix. Sleep deprivation makes you surprisingly accommodating in the coffee department.
Olson, Cowan, Olson. Ben Olson re-enters the starting position for the UCLA Bruins after starter Patrick Cowan suffered a partially torn MCL in his right knee versus Washington. Replacement value: eh, a push, really, given that Olson was the starter prior to being knocked silly in the Utah game and suffering from headaches and nausea afterwards. Insert obvious comment re: being a Bruin fan forced to play “Karl Dorrell’s Wheel of Unpredictable Pain/Pleasure.”
Suit up Tacopants! Chad Henne, hurt with a mysterious lower leg injury during the Oregon game, is close to coming back to the lineup for Michigan. How close? Who knows? Lloyd Carr protects injury information like they’re Chinese missile blueprints. Five sources were killed or are rotting in a Xinjiang gulag as we speak due to the acquiring of this information.
Meme cont’d: Suit up Gamblepants! Matt Flynn should get a surplus of rest this week with LSU playing Tulane, since his ankle is still bothering him, one of the factors leading to LSU’s run-heavy gameplan versus South Carolina. Replacement value: Ryan Perriloux, who will give you 3-2 odds on Flynn making it back in time for the Florida game. He’s got, you know, an inside source and all, man.
And one more mystery: The TCU Horned Frogs’ gifted defensive end Tommy Blake will miss the rest of the year on “a medical leave of absence.” Described preseason by Mack Brown as “as good as Julius Peppers,” Blake’s absence is a huge and (yes) odd one for the team: he left the team for personal reasons in August, came back, missed more playing time to medical issues, and has finally hung it up for 2007. Hmm.
And finally: Brandon Cox may miss his start against Florida due to heavy menstrual bleeding.* The only other injury on Auburn’s side will be the lingering injury to Quentin Groves, whose own massive balls hurt his back and general mobility six days of the week, but seem not to affect him on Saturdays.
*Egad, has Brandon Cox been terrible–we hear the worst of it from Auburn alum Cuddles, who’s exhausted his septic tank of profanities trying to accurately describe how bad he’s been. But that’s against every other team but Florida, where he’ll probably pull himself together and throw for 400 yards and five tds on us after we write that. That’s just the kind of jankety shit that always happens in Auburn/Florida games. Unlike Kyle, we don’t hate Auburn. But damnation on a shitstick do we hate playing them.
We can’t remember a year more fraught with the scourge of mascot-on-mascot violence: first the Oregon Duck’s teabagging of poor Shasta, the Houston Cougars’ mascot, and now a tussle between James Madison University’s Duke Dog and the Coastal Carolina Chanticleer.
The incident began when Duke Dog of JMU refused a handshake from the Chanticleer. the Duke then attempted an ill-advised kick to the tailfeathers of the Chanticleer, perhaps assuming that with such a sissified Chaucerian name, he’d hie to the nearest plush couch and pour out his sorrows with quill and ink whilst sipping on a nice glass of port.
He thought wrong. Chanticleer ain’t no punk!
The whole incident is allegedly organic, with JMU’s student newspaper calling for Duke to be “put on a leash” for his behavior while the Chanticleer is being excuse by Coastal because “he was letting it go.” The duke should learn this lesson, though: mess one too many times with the rabble, and get rammed by more angry cock than you can handle.
Thanks for comin’, everybody. I’m Les Miles and I’m the head coach here at LSU. Please leave your taffy over in the Les Miles taffy bowl. I see most of you remembered to bring it, which means you all get scratch ‘n sniff stickers to put in your books. The really generous ones get the banana flavored ones. I have skunk stickers for the rest of you.
YAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY TAFFY!!!!
I’m here today to introduce our special uniforms for the game against Tulane University. They really are special uniforms. And by this, I mean that they’re magical. Our players will go faster, tackle harder, and make bigger plays. And this all happens because we’ll be wearing our white magic pants.
Magicpants!
Revealliarrmus!
Clap! CLAP, ALL OF YOU!!!
(Reporter clap awkwardly, sporadically. Miles claps and jumps up and down.)
YAYYYYYYYYYY!!! Taffy break! (Unwraps taffy slowly, chews, moans.) Oh, butterscotch, old friend. You never bring the blues with you, do you.
(Continues.)
My players complain sometimes. WAAAAAA!!! we don’t want to watch The Return of the King again, or WAAAAAAA!!! we don’t want to wear white pants because it makes us look fat. Whatever, chuckles! (more…)
Context is everything. We know, for example, that it’s likely that the first available photo of Antonio Henton the local station could find once they found out he’d been arrested for attempting to contract a little street lovin’ for himself on Monday night was a crappy old team program photo of dubious quality. It is, in fact, a photo so bad it resembles a mugshot photo taken after the arrest.
I-O! H-O! If we do this, that is.
We also know that Henton wasn’t arrested wearing shoulder pads. However, our imagination has the habit of attempting to make the world more interesting than it actually is, and in this case it’s rolling the tape in our heads of Antonio Henton, standing on a street corner in cleats and pads, trolling for rental pussy in full Ohio State regalia and yelling about somebody needing to put the “H-O” in “Ohio” before his 10:00 p.m. curfew–which, by being arrested at 8:30 p.m., he was clearly not violating.
(A note to the ladies: a man who wears his shoulder pads to bed is damn serious about sixty minutes of full-contact action, ladies. This being the Big Ten, that would be a pounding run up the middle 60 times a game for two scores or so…which ain’t bad.)
Will you sign my Tebow jersey, Chris? Even in a case of mistaken identity, Chris Leak lives in the shadow of Tim Tebow despite winning a national title and SEC championship for Florida. Florida wide receiver David Nelson admits in a Gainesville Sun article that not only was he mistaken for Leak on a cruise this past summer, but handed out autographs as the former Gator qb/basestealer:
Nelson, a redshirt sophomore wide receiver, said he was besieged by autograph seekers wherever he went on the ship.
“With little kids, I didn’t know whether to say I’m not Chris Leak,” he said. “I didn’t know whether to completely embarrass the kid or sign it and tell Chris later. I kind of scribbled.”
And, of course, the eclipse moment involving Tebow:
When asked what the response would have been if he had been confused with current UF quarterback Tim Tebow, Nelson said, “the captain would have let me drive the ship.”
…because the captain knew that if Tebow drove the ship, he would take them to the lost island of Magumbay, a land where the soil is chocked full of platinum ingots, the trees grow country hams, rivulets of gin spring from the rocks, and the villages are inhabited by sexually adventurous and unjealous locals of stunning beauty. If given the wheel, Leak would have checked down for the Bahamas.
Sure, Dan. The Oklahoma Sooners offensive line averages 6-5, 322 across their starting five, a wall of angry beef they’ve leaned on in averaging 61.5 points a game. (Their tallest starter has an immortal name for a 6′8″, 360 lb man: Phil Loadholt.) Dan Hawkins
has the gameplan to face them, however, likely conceived while chopping melons in half
with his kitana blindfolded in his backyard Zen garden:
“We used to be able to call coaches at midweek in high school and ask if we could play eight-man football. … I think maybe I’ll call Coach Stoops this week and ask him if we could play with 12.”
That would keep the score within 20 points, we think.
Badgering her witness in public. A story this good needs a soundtrack. We all need someone to love, right? And sometimes, on special days, you find them in a bathroom stall at a football stadium.
Two Wisconsin fans were arrested for having sex in a women’s restroom at Camp Randall on Saturday after a patron reported to a policeman that a couple was “going at it pretty good” in a stall. (Read with Wisconsin accent. Much, much funnier than it already is. The paper goes for the obvious scoring angle, but we focus on your Men are from Mars, Women are from Earth moment of the day in the article.
When Officer Pehler was explaining the citation to the couple, the woman said, “Something to the effect, I know, I know, I did it,” Pehler wrote in his report.
The man, on the other hand, said “whatever, no big deal.”
(HT: Tony, Senior Sex in Public Bathrooms Correspondent.)
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
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The doctor thinks you should stop eating so much pickled herring in lye, frankly.
Magicpants!
I-O! H-O! If we do this, that is.
Just like Chris Leak! On HGH!
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