Everyday Should Be Saturday

September 24, 2007

SWEDES ARE EVIDENTLY LOUISVILLE FANS

Losing to Syracuse is painful. When you do it as preseason top 10, possible Big East champion, it’s…it’s nauseating to anyone watching it happen, really, because Syracuse reeks. Stinks. Like rotting antelope carcass stuffed with pigeonshit thrown into a vat of five spice powder and then deep fried in a vat of oil skimmed off Drew Rosenhaus’ head and served with a side of assfries. We don’t even know what assfries are, but if they existed, they would be the proper side dish for Syracuse football.

The only proper reaction to the death of Louisville’s dreams is nausea. Apparently, this Swedish television personality was watching the third quarter off camera.

BORT BORT BARF!!! For a more complete verbal picture of how bad the end of the game was between these two armless men trying to headbutt each other to death, consult with the 5.0 Guy, a sick bastard who was left dry-heaving by the inept finale to the game. Keep in mind: the word vomit is used copiously here, and predates said Swedish rebooting footage. (more…)



Filed under: ALL THAT YOU KNOW IS AT AN END, Big East Conference, Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, bizarro superman says you're welcome, your ancestors demand your seppuku, your worst nightmares  by Orson Swindle

BUYS AND SELLS: WEEK FIVE

Guest editor Hannibal Montegna and Orson go through the buys and sells of the week.

HANNIBAL’S BUYS

You? You’re losing to Kentucky. Believe it, because it’s happening.

Kentucky. Almost a courtesy for doubting the Wildcats throughout the summer, into the preseason, through their two patsy wins, after their conquest of Louisville, up until Arkansas roughed the kicker Saturday night. Then I knew: UK, like all teams whose kickers are contacted illegally in a crucial situation, was destined for victory in Fayetteville.

Naturally, I doubt again after this week’s game with Florida Atlantic – first place in the Sun Belt! –with the trifecta of South Carolina, LSU and Florida on deck. Until then, though, fine: Andre Woodson is a myth, a machine, a man among men, a monocled minotaur maniacally marauding secondaries and sorority houses across the South. Admonishment nor chains will keep
your women from his musk. For now.

Michigan. It’s just a re-branding of Mike Hart, a healthy Brandon Graham and a couple conservative opposing offenses, but I’m buying, if for no other reasons than a) Mike Hart is so, so money, b) the Wolverines are still relatively cheap and c) the next six games are against Northwestern, Eastern Michigan, Purdue, Illinois, Minnesota and Michigan State.

Ohio State. For narrative purposes, it’s best to set up the traditional, climactic clashing of red and blue light sabres for the Big Ten title as early as possible. With Todd Boeckman looking exceedingly competent, the Buckeyes are the conference’s sweater-vested Vader (again) until further notice.

Orson’s Buys:

Oregon: A frightening indicator for LSU fans should be Dennis Dixon’s eye-popping performance for Oregon this year as the one qb to rule them all after Gary Crowton’s departure: four games, 932 yards passing with 11 tds and no picks, 432 yards rushing and four tds on the ground–including the Bip Kiplinger’s Backyard Football Play For Freedom-Loving American Youth Everywhere of the Year thus far:

Crowton over-tinkered with the offense during his Oregon tenure to Dixon’s benefit: unfettered by genius playcalling, Dixon’s thrived in Chip Kelly’s new system. (more…)



Filed under: Atlantic Coast Conference, Big 10 Conference, Big 12 Conference, Big East Conference, Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Pacific 10 Conference, Southeastern Conference, bloviating  by Orson Swindle

TRANSITIVE FOOTBALL HERPES, WEEK FOUR: BEWARE, CITIZEN.

Remember that we are all part of a global village, citizen, and that disease knows no borders and needs no passport. Transitive Property Football Herpes affects us all, zombie or living, American or Australian, man or kangaroo.

This message brought to you by the EDSBS Center for Football Studies.

Vigilance and protection, citizen, are your friends always. Max protection, if necessary.



Filed under: Big 10 Conference, Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Notre Dame, brains  by Orson Swindle

CURIOUS INDEX, 9/24/07

We be needin’ your security badge, matey.

Preparr for ye keelhaulin, matey. After Texas Tech’s team collapse versus previously toothless Oklahoma State (Sooner fans, make your own associations with that one,) someone on Texas Tech’s staff had to walk the plank, and arrr, it was defensive coordinator Lyle Setencich. Oklahoma State had three players go for over 100 yards against the Red Raiders, who’ve struggled to find a second mate to shore up the splintery and cannon-heavy planks of the S.S. Leach for much o’ the dread captain’s career there.

Under the bow with ye, Setencich! Bid good-morrow to the barnacles with ye back whilst you’re down there!

Hugh Laurie will soon be wearing green and gold. It’s good to see Jim Leavitt’s long climb through the salt mines of program-building pay off in both a victory against UNC, an 18 spot in the national polls, and in one of Britain’s most respected gay thespians becoming their number one tailgater. Sometimes it rains hams and titties all at once, doesn’t it? If we can just get Hugh Laurie to wear a Matt Grothe jersey on House now, we can get Peter King on this bandwagon, too–and when that happens, hot lovin’ can’t be too far behind.

USF also broke out the wishbone on the goal line, earning retro-football boner points with us. We will officially fall even harder for the first team with the balls to go out there with special, facemask-free helmets with the formation. (Phil Knight! Merchandising opportunity! Dennis Dixon will love it, since he can’t feel his face most of the time anyway, we guess!)

Smelley Cock is the most luxurious. This bad Chinese menu translation brought to you by Matsumura Fishworks and the Tamaribuchi Heavy Manufacturing Concern of Japan and South Carolina coach Steve Spurrier, who likely all but ends the Blake Mitchell era by ceasing the dancin, dancin and announcing that Chris Smelley will be the new starter.

Oh, and LSU makes a nifty fake in this clip from their 28-16 win over the Cocks. Steve Spurrier’s face is a richly nuanced mix of envy, anger, and amusement. Les Miles’ face says “YAYYYY TAFFY!!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE TAFFY!!!”

Misery loves company. So we welcome Jon Wilner to the ranks of people who have difficulty remembering that their 4th ranked team lost, and probably needs to be moved down a sconce or two in the rankings, which is precisely what Wilner did. Just wait ’til Wednesday morning when we go Beano cook and rank Army, Notre Dame, and the Mexican Imperial Football Team of His Eminence Maximillian of Mexico in our top 25.

Las Cronicas de Boss Hawg, cont’d. Michael Smith, Arkansas running back, fumbled late in the Kentucky game and helped the Wildcats take Houston Nutt’s rhinestone-covered boot off their throat on the way to a 42-29 comeback victory. He was then arrested on Sunday on suspicion of using a stolen credit card. Houston Nutt’s comment on the situation was that he was “disappointed.” Lot of that going around in Arkansas in September, eh?




Filed under: Atlantic Coast Conference, Big 10 Conference, Big 12 Conference, Big East Conference, Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Houston Nutt, Notre Dame, Pacific 10 Conference, Southeastern Conference, alas, and that is tough titties for you  by Orson Swindle

EXPECT DELAYS

Life’s blindsided us this morning, so expect delays. The Curious Index should be up around 11, so in the meantime, enjoy Mike Patrick’s delightfully daft non sequitur just prior to Georgia ending the game in Tuscaloosa on Saturday.



Filed under: alas  by Orson Swindle

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