Orson, 8:45 p.m. 100 COCKTAILS TO YOU if you’ve made it this far! It’s the cocktail shift, where nightowls, antacids, and desperate bids for physical affection take hold. If all three fail, you’ve still got Pac-10 football and Mountain West games to look forward to, the Adult Swim of gridiron offerings.

Hail, hail, says Mr. O’Toole, to you, guest bloggers Oops Pow and Jebus! Fine work and a loss by Iowa State to Toledo surely await you as a reward.

Now on to the anchor leg, and vodka tonic to the finish.

Jebus, 8:56 p.m. This Iowa offense isn’t just bad - it’s not even from the past. It’s like the players are from another sport. It’s as though they don’t understand how to even play football. It’s like when they made Smokin’ Joe Frazier swim in the Superstars competition. It’s just… This is my last transmission.

OPS, 9:00 p.m. The first quarter of the Iowa game is in the books, and the story is pretty simple: Neither team can do anything on offense. Iowa’s receivers, like Jebus, are all dead, and Wisconsin’s QB has been beaten into submission. How many times has a game been 0-0 after two overtimes?

Jebus, 9:23 p.m. I wonder what goes on in the Iowa offensive meetings? They’re clearly not drawing up plays. Are they playing bingo?

Jebus, 9:27 p.m. Injury Report: Al Toon just suffered his 91st concussion when they put the headset on him for his “interview”. He is not expected to return. Sad.

OPS, 9:35 p.m. The Elias Sports Bureau has been put on notice that the record for most punts is certainly going down tonight. There have been 14 in 26 minutes of play thus far.

OPS, 9:52 p.m. It’s clear: if you really want to fuck up a compromise, have referees take care of it.

Jebus, 10:02 p.m. What the fuck are you talking about?

OPS, 10:02 p.m. After a Wisconsin TD, Iowa drives the length of the field(!) and scores (!!) a touchdown(!!!!) with four seconds to go (!!!!!!) on a one-handed catch by Run-DJK (!!!!!timesinfinity). 10-7 Iowa at the half. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go streaking.

Orson, 10:10 p.m. Georgia looking most muscular against Alabama. BTW, every time they pan to the stands, the camera catches at least two or three women between the ages of 18-24 so heartbreakingly beautiful you can see it beneath layers of body paint. That is a particularly striking and ephemeral brand of beauty, there.

OPS, 10:21 p.m. Cutting to the Purdue-Minnesota game, it appears that even the Minnesota cheerleaders are utterly bereft of that striking and ephemeral beauty, O-Dawg. Purdue leads 24-3, but owing to the inept nature of both the Purdue D and the Big Ten as a whole, we can’t actually consider the Goofers out of this game.

Orson, 10:25. The SEC is a warre of alle againste alle this year. LSU, for all the yardage, didn’t euthanize the Cocks the way they theoretically could have. Florida let Ole Miss take them to the wire after discovering that they still have no secondary. Kentucky looks as composed and imbued with victory-aura as anyone. Completely focacta, the whole league.

And Matthew Stafford will be a fat, bald 40 year old man. One with a tired, tired penis, yes; but most definitely a fat, bald 40 year old.

OPS, 10:35 p.m. This is going to shock you, but the Hawkeyes just punted again.

OPS, 10:45 p.m. My sympathy for anyone who thought Stanford might cover against Oregon. It’s already 21-3 in the first quarter, and they’re making it look really easy.

OPS, 10:58 p.m. Just pointing out that Iowa is leading at a top 10 team (even one that clearly does not deserve it) going into the fourth quarter. My clothes are having a lot of trouble staying on. It’s like I’m on E.

Orson, 11:04 p.m. Christ, Alabama ties this up and ensures yet another goddamn Daniel Moore Painting called “The Scramble” will eke its watercolory way into the world. JPW and his lovely locks on a scramble for the tying TD.

Orson, 11:10 p.m. Tripp Chandler finally fucking catches a ball for UGA after four drops. You and your stupidly spelled name are killing UGA and their magnificent fat cuddly bastard of a qb.

Orson, 11:15 p.m. Coutu misses. Bear Bryant, translucent, gives the buddy Jesus thumbs up to the stands at Bryant-Denny. Everyone wearing Bama gear at BDS can actually see this with their naked eyes.

OPS, 11:18 p.m. Hey, remember what I said about Oregon covering? It’s 21-17 now. The Snodfarts have taken advantage of two Oregon turnovers to get back in the game. Meanwhile, Iowa hits a field goal to make it 14-13 with less than seven minutes to go. Give me something to fight and I will fight it. Bareknuckled. Iowa must win this game. They must!

Orson, 11:23 p.m. Is Mike Patrick actually bringing Britney Spear into this OMG STAFFORD TO HENDERSON HOLY SHIT GEORGIA STABS THEM IN THE FACE WITH A HOBNAILED…UM…KNIFE?

OPS, 11:30 p.m. Iowa gets the ball back with two minutes to go, down 17-13. So you’re telling me there’s still a chance!

Jebus, 11:34 p.m. These commercials are soothing as shit. Thanks, ABC!

Jebus, 11:37 p.m. Lock up your kids, Madison! Musberger’s on the loose in …3 …2 ….

OPS, 11:41 p.m. Huh. So this is what a gun tastes like.

OPS, 11:45 p.m. I still haven’t decided if I would take the young lady from the Hardee’s biscuit commercial to bed. I’m still in the “with copious amounts of alcohol” camp; your thoughts, gents?

Jebus, 11:50 p.m. How many biscuits does she have? I’m hungry as shit. (scratches belly, wanders down to balls, shuffles away)

Orson, 11:51 p.m. Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer, give your cake to Matthew Stafford! Much thanks to Jebus and OPS for playing today–please peruse their site, Black Heart, Gold Pants, where they will eulogize the death of the Kirk Ferentz hypeball machine before threatening exotic forms of suicide.

We’re off to dream of the US Women’s Soccer Team piling onto us in celebratory glee. Goonight.