EIGHT REASONS TO WATCH TAMU/MIAMI TONIGHT

by Orson on Sep 20, 2007 5:29 PM EDT

You're going to watch it, anyway, you sick, sick person. However, like the informed observer you are, you're going to watch and enjoy it thanks to our list of eight totally true things, since you've already decided not to go to the gym, spend time with your significant other, or remain sober tonight. Good for you, trooper!

Why, yes, they're leaking right now, thank you very much.

8. Dennis Franchione is under so much pressure his teats leak condensed milk constantly. (This usually requires some firm pressure with a gloved hand. Food safety starts with you!)

7. Up to fifty thousand people to attend, the second largest gathering that night in Miami and the largest not involving muscular chickens with razors strapped to their ankles. Wait, there's a Mets/Marlins game? Okay, third largest, and second largest without the death chickens, okay?

6. Stephen McGee, dual threat quarterback, finally embodies all that A&M fans truly want in a quarterback: tough, fast, able to run the option, and white.

5. Aggie Corps of Cadets could be mistaken for immigration officials, causing thousands in stands to flee in panic.

4. Aggie Corps of Cadets could be mistaken for DEA officers, causing thousands in stands to flee in panic.

3. Aggie Corps of Cadets could be mistaken for Russian Tax Police, causing thousands in stands to flee in panic.

2. Kyle Wright is starting tonight, and will save the groundskeeping crew time and effort by trimming the grass one underthrown ball at a time.

1. 270 pound Jorvorskie Lane will score a diving touchdown. Sadly, the impact will shatter the limestone bedrock of Miami, spoiling the Florida Aquifer and making the city unsafe for human habitation. Unsurprisingly, no one living in Miami will notice this.

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Aggie Corps of Cadets could be mistaken for a flambouyantly gay biker gang, causing thousands in stands to flee in panic.

by gerry dorsey on Sep 20, 2007 5:37 PM EDT reply actions

That wouldn’t make most people in Miami flee, Gerry. It’s a flaming town.

by Orson Swindle on Sep 20, 2007 5:38 PM EDT reply actions

In that case, the nut-hugging would probably endear them too.

by That 5.0 Guy (Now At Work!) on Sep 20, 2007 5:41 PM EDT reply actions

But it might swell the party . Maybe even becoming the largest gathering that night.

by tzubear on Sep 20, 2007 5:41 PM EDT reply actions

But is the corps’ fearless leader going to be with them or is she still suspended?

by Palpie on Sep 20, 2007 5:42 PM EDT reply actions

I see no need for you to have photo-shopped out the suckling Javorskie Lane. He is both Romulus and Remus in A&M’s painstaking return to “meh”-dom.

by Laugh on Sep 20, 2007 5:42 PM EDT reply actions

Only with a thumping house beat. And though there will be beer served in the OB…do they serve liquor? Because they’ll have to be cosmos and vodka tonics served if it’s that kind of party.

by Orson Swindle on Sep 20, 2007 5:42 PM EDT reply actions

That tongue dueling thing the cadets do is so gay it makes the Tony and Tim smooch seem…… .well less gay. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

by Willet on Sep 20, 2007 5:43 PM EDT reply actions

With some text borrowed from Gerry Dorsey in Comment #1:

Aggie Corps of Cadets could be mistaken for a flambouyantly gay biker gang, causing thousands to pack the stadium in X-induced glee

by That 5.0 Guy (Now At Work!) on Sep 20, 2007 5:46 PM EDT reply actions

What are the chances of seeing an “all-Rhino” backfield at one of the post-season All-Star games?
Tim Tebow
Jehuu Caulcrick
Jorvorskie Lane

If they played that game in LA, that might be enough to trigger the big one and dump SoCal into the Pacific

by Derrick in SD on Sep 20, 2007 5:50 PM EDT reply actions

laugh—-does that mean lane suckles said condensed milk from she-wolf franchione? is that how he got to that size?

by matt on Sep 20, 2007 5:53 PM EDT reply actions

Orson,

High class guests they are will bring thier own. Each section of the stadium will be themed, with a bar….and….and somehow it will all work with the DJ spinning his beet through the stadium PA in rythym with the suggestive images on the jumbotron.

Man, I got to get to Miami tonight!

by tzubear on Sep 20, 2007 5:55 PM EDT reply actions

While the ‘cool kids’ may also have beets. I meant to say the DJ will be providing beats.

by tzubear on Sep 20, 2007 5:57 PM EDT reply actions

- Shit, if it’s gonna be that kinda party, I’m gonna stick my dick in the mashed potatoes.

by Oops Pow Surprise on Sep 20, 2007 5:57 PM EDT reply actions

Isn’t it obvious? Franchione’s lactate has been shown to contain HGH. It’s “the cream.” And if you check out Fran’s jugs from two seasons ago (pre-Lane) and compare them to today, you’ll see that they have decreased in size, due solely to daily J-train nursings.

by Laugh on Sep 20, 2007 5:59 PM EDT reply actions

I can’t imagine a bigger clash in cultures than this game. Texas A&M is straight out of 1950 with their milkmen cheerleaders and Miami is from the postapocalyptic future where cocaine is legal tender and the crewcut is a form of criminal punishment.

by Quinton on Sep 20, 2007 6:07 PM EDT reply actions

wow.

by matt on Sep 20, 2007 6:07 PM EDT reply actions

Everything I’ve been hearing about male TAMU students says that they have a “wide stance.” True?

by Sen. Larry Craig (R-ID) on Sep 20, 2007 6:07 PM EDT reply actions

Aggie Corps of Cadets could be mistaken for Texas State Troopers Polo Team, mass panic ensues since cops on horses with sticks means an ass whipping for any black male in a 5 mile radius.

by Mr Pelican Pants on Sep 20, 2007 6:16 PM EDT reply actions

9. You may get a chance to see Kim Franchione. She’s really hot. So hot high school assistant coach Dennis Francione couldn’t wait til she turned 15 before he tried getting into her JV cheerleader outfit.

by EZ on Sep 20, 2007 6:18 PM EDT reply actions

This thread is outstanding.
On a gambling note I am all over Texas A&M +1.5 tonight, but I should have got it earlier this week at 3. On a cultural note I would love to see the homoerotic irony as the cadets go out for a night on south beach. How many screams of “HELLO BOYS!” will they get?

by JoesDeliGatorTail on Sep 20, 2007 6:19 PM EDT reply actions

Does she have her father’s boobs?

by Orson Swindle on Sep 20, 2007 6:20 PM EDT reply actions

Screw the game! To the hell with PETA! Damn due process! Televise the chicken fights with a bonus feature of a fight to the innocence between Ron Mexico and Tha’ Juice!

by Anonymous IV on Sep 20, 2007 6:32 PM EDT reply actions

Outside the social constraints in College Station, TX, the cadets will finally be able to let someone else grab their nuts while they scream instead of having to grab their own nuts.

by DiamondM on Sep 20, 2007 6:38 PM EDT reply actions

I dunno about the Russian tax police comparison – those tovarischs favour the black balaclava and uzi look. In other words, they’d fit in perfectly at the Orange Bowl.

by peachy on Sep 20, 2007 6:40 PM EDT reply actions

What could be more gay than Aggie Corps of Cadets doing the YMCA? I believe their clothes would catch fire and burn them into their Nazi-esque tan knee boots. Every time I see girls in them boots, I get turned on. Reminds me of all the hot 20-25 yr old rich chicks who ride horses w/ skin tight sweaters that bounce when they jump stuff and the funny lil hat. I have no idea where I’m goin with this. Then I realize, damn, there are no chicks in this prison rodeo.

by Mr Pelican Pants on Sep 20, 2007 6:43 PM EDT reply actions

Have you ever seen a Marlins home game? Trust me, there will be more people at the OB.

Actually, there will be more people working the concessions stand at the OB than will be in the audience for the Marlins game.

by cocknfire on Sep 20, 2007 7:11 PM EDT reply actions

A&M corps of cadets will be mistaken as the lead division of a new “Bay of Pigs” invasion attempt, causing Miami’s Little Havana residents to flock to the Orange Bowl.

Ay CARAMBA!!

by Blue on Sep 20, 2007 7:16 PM EDT reply actions

Lou Holtz: a reason not to watch. Could someone please take marbles and cotton out of his mouth?

by TPS Reports on Sep 20, 2007 7:48 PM EDT reply actions

what’s the deal with the Drug Free America ad up there? I thought EDSBS staunchly supports purple drank and other glorious substances?

by duhduhdee on Sep 20, 2007 8:58 PM EDT reply actions

Lou Holtz to give a pep talk to my beloved Nittany Lions at halftime? The newfangled kiss of media death. I’ll have a decidedly low-quality version of this on YouTube ASAP.

by Run Up The Score on Sep 20, 2007 9:02 PM EDT reply actions

Well, the Floridan (note it’s missing an i) Aquifer is through most of the state of Florida. However, the Biscayne Aquifer would be under the OB.

/end aquifer lesson of the night

-dc

by david in fla on Sep 20, 2007 9:04 PM EDT reply actions

Marbles on the way from Holtz. great.

by TPS Reports on Sep 20, 2007 9:20 PM EDT reply actions

The Michigan fans are unarmed (unless you count red wine and apathy as weapons).

by Run Up The Score on Sep 20, 2007 9:27 PM EDT reply actions

“On a gambling note I am all over Texas A&M +1.5 tonight, but I should have got it earlier this week at 3.”

you should have stayed the fuck away from it

hindsight is 20/20 though

by fife in the bay on Sep 20, 2007 9:37 PM EDT reply actions

hmm. it’s half time, a&m is way down, and lane has yet to touch the ball. fran for coach of the year!

by adam (the gay one) on Sep 20, 2007 9:38 PM EDT reply actions

Wow, ESPN doing my work for me! They’re quick with this stuff.

Lou’s halftime pep talk.

by Run Up The Score on Sep 20, 2007 9:43 PM EDT reply actions

“They made a mistake when they scheduled Penn State” Of all the Holtzisms, this surely takes the cake.

by Sparkyjbd on Sep 20, 2007 9:59 PM EDT reply actions

Orson,

I was at the gym at 5 this morning, my significant other is contendaly (I think?) watching some classic movie on the othe TV and I’m hardly feeling a buzz from the double,…err…triple of the Van Vinkle 12 year old. After this last score I’m thinking I might need to send Coach Fran a couple of bottles.

by marcillac on Sep 20, 2007 10:12 PM EDT reply actions

“I am all over Texas A&M +1.5 tonight, but I should have got it earlier this week at 3”

should gave got in earlier at A&M -21

by stapler on Sep 20, 2007 10:48 PM EDT reply actions

One thing’s for sure—the Aggies won’t be mistaken for a football team.

by jt666 on Sep 20, 2007 11:51 PM EDT reply actions

Miami’s total dominance of T A&M tonight makes OU’s total dominance (to an even greater degree) of Miami look even more impresive.

by Jesse on Sep 21, 2007 1:23 AM EDT reply actions

Great job by Miami, but they should have televised the chicken fights.

by Anonymous IV on Sep 21, 2007 1:40 AM EDT reply actions

“you coming to bed soon, dennis?”

“i don’t know, there’s a lot of kittens in that bucket”

by okiedomer on Sep 21, 2007 1:49 AM EDT reply actions

Dude…it’s the Floridan Aquifer and it doesn’t go down to Coral Gables. Oh yeah, I learned that in Black Hall 1992.

by Pug on Sep 21, 2007 9:17 AM EDT reply actions

Did anyone happen to post a video of Lovorskie Lane kcocking the water bottle out of the waterboy’s hand?

by MiseanAuFan on Sep 21, 2007 9:24 AM EDT reply actions

Reason #9 to Watch-

Seeing Coach Franchokeioni lose.

With the exception of State Penn and the Soonacheetaahs, can’t we just declare the entire beegtenleven and the beegtwelve irrelevant?

Coach Arrrr will not be irrelevant whenh he beats the teasips.

by yoyofutbawl on Sep 21, 2007 9:37 AM EDT reply actions

Coach Fran to the Aggies: " Hold the line men, hold the line. I’ll be right back after this short break."
And then he hauls ass outta town to some other doomed college. He is a like the coaching version of the plague of locust. Blows into town, uses up all your talent and resources, and as its collapsing, moves on to the next victim….

by Mr Pelican Pants on Sep 21, 2007 9:49 AM EDT reply actions