Kellen Lewis: ‘Bout to redact some shit, lawya.

Aberrant Stats Department: The leading rushing attack in the Big Ten belongs to the Indiana Hoosiers, rushing for 258.7 yards a game. Even morely aberrantish: we write the .7 at the end of that for a reason, since at 258.0 yards a game sits the Illinois Illini. Both teams feature running quarterbacks, which helps–Indiana’s Kellen Lewis leads his team in rushing and passing–and have played a combined table of Western Akron Tech types. Only Illinois has played a team of any substance whatsoever, Missouri, who they very nearly unmasked as being coached by Gary Pinkel during a furious comeback in a 40-34 loss to the Tigers. A zillion points, unscripted quarterback improv, and Drew Carey scoring the whole thing according to audience reaction should ensue when the two play on Saturday in their Big Ten opener.

(BTW: Missouri is still totally being coached by Gary Pinkel, the highstrung crew member who after an hour of tense but otherwise dedicated behavior will open the airlock and suck his whole team into space. Twist: he’s an unstable cyborg! It’s just a matter of time, reader. Grab something stationary in the meantime.)

When the lumbago clears up, you’ll play. 59 year old Mike Flynt is looking to get his first playing time of the season for Sul Ross College this week after missing the first two games due to erections lasting longer than three hours. We can sympathize, having missed numerous days of work for the same reason. Damn you, Bound on DVD!!!

We suhrrendaihair! A fishy quote from Tennessee special teams player during the Tenn/Florida game, per UF special teamer Derek Baldry. Naturally, we quote it as fact:

“On the point-after attempt, after the 48th point, one of the guys rushing, I guess, decided he didn’t want to go too hard. Instead of shooting through the gap, which is where he would have come through me, he kind of ran into me and kind of pulled up and said ‘whoa, whoa, whoa’ as if I were going to deliver a hit to him. Verbatim he said, ‘I don’t want to rush this s— anymore, I’m too f—-g tired.’ That’s what he said.

Truth? Who knows. Truthy? Certainly.

Notre Dame: big into long contracts. Demetrius Jones will not be immediately released from his scholarship, per AD Kevin White. Jones left the team for the siren song of the Northern Illinois Huskies, a team known mostly for plucky MAC play and recruiting midget running backs of astonishing speed. (Look at them! With their little arms and feet!) Jones literally didn’t get on the bus for the Michigan game, enrolled and Northern Illinois, and from the sound of it left his apartment with the 360 humming and the kettle on. (No idea if Jones actually drinks tea or not, but it’s funnier if he does. “Fuck this, motherfucker–I just want some fucking Chamomile and my K.T. Tunstall on, and I’ll get my spirit right again.”)

Leave Coach Fran alone! We won’t post it. It’s too meta, too internet, too “yes, I waste my time watching Youtube celeb videos.” Nope. Not doing it. Resisting. In control. What’s that they say on Big Love? Choosing the right? Yeah–we’re a busy bee at the hive, choosing the right. That’s–

Blogfather, forgive us. (HT: 12th Manchild.)