NOTRE DAME SIGNS CHARLIE WEIS TO 300 YEAR CONTRACT EXTENSION
by Orson on Sep 19, 2007 1:26 PM EDT
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PrintSOUTH BEND, IND (AP)--Notre Dame Athletic Director Kevin White announced the signing of a contract extension to head football coach Charlie Weis this morning, inking the third year head coach to an unprecedented three hundred year contract extension worth an estimated 1.4 billion dollars in salary and benefits.
"We're pleased to announce that Notre Dame again stands at the forefront of college football by making sure we keep not only the future secure, but the future of the future of this football program in the right direction by making sure Coach Weis will be around for centuries to come," said White, who spoke from the podium wearing a blue and gold jumpsuit.
"0-3 means nothing to us. Excellence is what matters, and that's a long term goal. We're here to show our commitment to it."
Notre Dame Football Coach: 2047 Projection.Weis, whose Notre Dame team is riding a five game losing streak and the first 0-3 start in school history, answered skeptical questions about the viability of a deal that not only endorses a coach whose team remains in dire straits, but also seems to defy the laws of mortality itself.
"Kevin and I have talked about it, and you know what? We're not gonna talk about the future right now. That's what contract negotiations are for. We've reopened training camp. We're not rebuilding. I'm not gonna talk about that. I'm not. It's just nice to have that vote of confidence going into training camp again."
White took the brunt of the skepticism and addressed concerns specifically. For instance, how would Weis, already 51 and overweight, live to fulfill a contract exceeding not only his expected lifespan, but that of any already born?
Technology, says White, pure and simple. "People don't just come here for the outstanding athletics, spiritual focus, or beautiful campus. They come here for a first rate, 21st century education," said White. "And that includes technology."
"We'll be ready for the failure of Charlie's organs, which will be replaced with new ones grown from existing, ethically provided stem cell lines provided by Charlie later today. When the replacement strategy proves untenable, Charlie has agreed to have his head severed from his body and placed in a life-sustaining jar filled with a nutritious, oxygen-rich syrup sustaining him for what our scientists predict will be a span of at least 120 years following his removal from the proto-body."
At that point, White explained, they would have to figure something out. "But by then, we're assured of three things. One, that Coach Weis will have this program thriving into his second century of rule. Two, that our investment now will have paid off double or perhaps triple, even with the projected rise of the Mer-people in 2108. And three, that we will have at least partially recovered from the recruiting shortfalls some people have left behind."
White paused, and then corrected himself. "And by some people, I mean Ty Willingham, his name be cursed."
Notre Dame Football Coach: 2168 A.D. Projection.White also pooh-poohed suggestions he had fielded what Mark May called "the dumbest fucking contract I have ever seen--pardon my fucking language, ESPN, fire me if you will, but this is seriously the dumbest fucking thing I've ever seen."
"We've done the forecasting, people. Sure, there's flexibility. The recruits of tomorrow will be different. So will the game. But there is one and only one answer for this: Charlie Weis. He'll be able to relate to the gill-bearing wideouts of 2214, as well as be able to cope with the predicted introduction of energy weapons into gameplay in the mid-2160s. And most importantly, he's got a commitment to his players, be they the anticipated cyclopic nuclear mutantbeasts from the Varragaraz Neutral Zone of No Return in 2245, the highly aware cyborg running backs from the Great Metallization of 2084, or the Vandal Jackalmen of the 2165 Gatorade Insurrection."
White smiled, turned to Weis, and nodded with a smile. "He's our man. Not forever, of course"--the room broke into laughter at this point--"But at least for the next 300 years!"
Weis testily summed up his feelings after a barrage of questions by saying, "I'm not thinking about life-support jars, bionic hearts, or transposing my neural fingerprint onto a chip for all eternity. All I'm thinking about is Michigan State next week--and how I'm gonna work flying mutants into the gameplan for that matchup versus Flextron Robot Sex Academy in 2093. Believe me, that's the real challenge here!"
Illustrations: the awesome J-Money of Ladies... and Keep Your Receipt. Much thanks.
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What, no mention of Demetrius Jones being executed as punishment for his insubordination?
by Brewster Crew on Sep 19, 2007 1:36 PM EDT reply actions
That is in the past. We are discussing the future.
by Orson Swindle on Sep 19, 2007 1:37 PM EDT reply actions
Do you know where I could get some of that oxygen-rich syrup? That would be the balls.
by Mike on Sep 19, 2007 1:42 PM EDT reply actions
Somebody has been watching Futurama on Cartoon Network.
Did anyone else, more specifically anyone else in a certain profession, read the above and have a flashback to Property and the RAP?
Not cool, “Orson.” Not cool at all.
Conversely, bang up job you’ve been doing at the FTC, and with Perot’s campaign.
by Coop on Sep 19, 2007 1:43 PM EDT reply actions
Psshh! They’re just going to get blown out in the Bachelor Chow Fiesta Bowl.
by Orangeblood on Sep 19, 2007 1:46 PM EDT reply actions
Stricken!
—Typed with our mind from a bath of oxygen-rich syrup.
by Orson Swindle on Sep 19, 2007 1:46 PM EDT reply actions
It could be worse, we could be, I dunno, Baylor, who no one gives a fuck about.
And yet they hire a shitload of our phd grads. gotta wonder abotut hat.
Also, is Holly of boobs p3nage fame an avid notre dame hateR?
by Wooderson on Sep 19, 2007 1:46 PM EDT reply actions
Ty Willingham’s ghost will haunt Weis’ disembodied head in 2168 when the Irish lose against I-AAA Eastern Mars University 38-7.
by Signal to Noise on Sep 19, 2007 1:48 PM EDT reply actions
(Division I-AAA being formally known as the FICS — Football Interstellar Championship Subdivision.)
by Signal to Noise on Sep 19, 2007 1:51 PM EDT reply actions
Thank you!
One factor that could be slowing down this Irish this year is sideline communications. The laminated spreadsheet Weis has in his hands during the game is a compilation of local fast food restaurant menus and phone numbers. Heavy cell phone use at stadiums during game time can cause problems.
by OhioDawg on Sep 19, 2007 1:51 PM EDT reply actions
ALong with the contract extension for Charlie Weis, they also have frozen the sperm of all of the Clausen family, to provide for quarterbacks for the entire term of the Weis regime.
Now to find the surrogates to carry the fruit of their loins…….
by Southern Papa on Sep 19, 2007 1:53 PM EDT reply actions
I’ll have whatever it is that you’re having, Mr. Swindle.
by Othniel on Sep 19, 2007 1:54 PM EDT reply actions
I’d expect that by 2269 A.D. Weis would resemble Baron Vladimir Harkonnen, complete with the technology of physics-defying flight.
by Allahver Fist on Sep 19, 2007 1:56 PM EDT reply actions
Sucked.
Redemption time..
Comment by ALGator — September 19, 2007 @ 12:57 pm Edit This
See that? That’s why we do this.
by Orson Swindle on Sep 19, 2007 1:58 PM EDT reply actions
I guess a steady diet of brains is too good for Charlie. Looks like the life support is also leafed in gold.
by parker91 on Sep 19, 2007 1:59 PM EDT reply actions
Sure, kick us while we’re down (okay… granted, that’s the best time to kick someone)
But when Montana Theisman Ismail-Powlus wins the Clausen Award presented by the NY Sub-Sub Level Athletic Club in 2155… who will be laughing then?
by Whitey on Sep 19, 2007 1:59 PM EDT reply actions
#5. God I love living in a wait-and-see state :)
by Der Schatten on Sep 19, 2007 2:06 PM EDT reply actions
So no chance of Weis being at Notre Dame in the year 3000 when the Space Pope is Reptilian? But he will still be at Notre Dame when Zefram Cochrane makes First Contact in 2063. Football will be very scary in the future when Klingons and Romulans face off against each other with Kirk and Picard coaching on the sidelines with Vulcan coordinators. It will become really scary when the Borg field their first team in The Federation BCS. Both Paterno and Bowden will still be on the sidelines of PSU and FSU.
by Anonymous IV on Sep 19, 2007 2:08 PM EDT reply actions
By “nutritious, oxygen-rich syrup”, you mean Butter and Cheese Casserole, right?
by Aerobab on Sep 19, 2007 2:12 PM EDT reply actions
Bill Gates laughs at your paltry 1.4 billion and then realizes no amount of money will ever make him cool around chicks. The first things Im gonna do when I get my first billion are A) supersonic blimp and B) a paramilitary force.
by Brian on Sep 19, 2007 2:13 PM EDT reply actions
“Notre Dame Football: Death is only the beginning.”
by Hokie Andrew on Sep 19, 2007 2:17 PM EDT reply actions
When Notre Dame sucks in 2168, will its fans still be blaming “Ty’s recruits”?
by Dirty South Quad on Sep 19, 2007 2:26 PM EDT reply actions
Great writing…
All kidding aside, Kevin White ought to do the right thing and fire himself on the spot when Sparty spanks ND this next Saturday. He failed the university badly.
by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me on Sep 19, 2007 2:28 PM EDT reply actions
This could possibly be the greatest parody website in existence.
by Will on Sep 19, 2007 2:29 PM EDT reply actions
I wouldn’t mind seeing Charlie Weis play a 1997-era Dina Meyers at quarterback at some point.
by Tim on Sep 19, 2007 2:29 PM EDT reply actions
i would pay large sums of money to hear mark may go off on lou holtz like this.
by gerry dorsey on Sep 19, 2007 2:31 PM EDT reply actions
That would have to be one large glass jar to house that head.
by Scalz1 on Sep 19, 2007 2:43 PM EDT reply actions
I figure with advances in modern technology and his high rate of income, Charlie Weis can expect to live to at least 200.
by Herb on Sep 19, 2007 2:45 PM EDT reply actions
“Interesting side note: As a head without a body, I envy the dead”
- George Foreman
by Techie on Sep 19, 2007 2:46 PM EDT reply actions
I think Charlie may have been using Zap Branningan’s little black book for his locker room speeches.
http://www.gotfuturama.com/Multimedia/EpisodeSounds/3ACV01/Sound7.mp3
by Baghuan on Sep 19, 2007 3:04 PM EDT reply actions
Orson, bra-fricking-vo!
To be honest, I personally think the 300 year extension is completely logical. I mean based on the results on the field so far this season, that’s about how long its going to take Charlie to field a MNC-caliber team.
Plus, that quote from Mark May of all people was pure genius. Its posts like this that remind me why EDSBS is the greatest CFB site on the Internets.
by Jeff from LA on Sep 19, 2007 3:15 PM EDT reply actions
- - Southern Papa – re: surragates – Might I recommend Holly Mangold? Looks like O-Line stock right there.
http://www.dispatch.com/live/contentbe/dispatch/2005/08/17/20050817-F1-01.html
by Out of Conference on Sep 19, 2007 3:21 PM EDT reply actions
#20: 100 cocktails.
Orson: 300 years of cocktails and virgins to you, sir. I hope you win a Pulitzer, and Emmy, and an Oscar for this. And a Teen Choice award (rad!).
And PS, Mark May would still find a way to be wrong about this somehow. The guy is an enigma, along with Pat “I do my research by reading blogs” Forde at the WWL. Speaking of, what will become of tESPN in 300 years? And will Berman still be annoying and wearing ties from Vineyard Vines?
by Domer Guy on Sep 19, 2007 3:24 PM EDT reply actions
three quarters of the nd jokes in the comments are really lame and unoriginal even from a third party perspective. “ty’s recruits” in the future stands out the most.
cocktails to all those who are nd haters without mindlessly repeating the same shit over and over and over
by alanon on Sep 19, 2007 3:24 PM EDT reply actions
gindole-on behalf of ND fans everywhere, shut the fuck up, take our medicine, and laugh at the very witty comentary. well done, all.
by Expat Ohioan on Sep 19, 2007 3:26 PM EDT reply actions
ND is pitiful this year – as an alum it really stings. But, as a lifelong Atlanta resident I am perfectly suited for this – following the Braves in the 1980’s (God bless Dale Murphy, the only player we had for 10 years), the Falcons (Gritz Blitz my ass), and the Flames – who had to leave town to win anything.
I agree with Expat Ohioan – we take our medicine and it’s very funny. But I have to admit I was praying to “tiny baby Jesus” ferverently Saturday that Ohio State would demolish Washington. So many people were just loaded up and ready to spew the Ty nonsense. At least we won’t have to hear that this week.
by atlanta domer on Sep 19, 2007 4:05 PM EDT reply actions
Hehe, Charlie Weiss is fat, lolz Omg!
by The ghost of Matt Leinart's 2006 Rose Bowl Win on Sep 19, 2007 4:11 PM EDT reply actions
What, no mention of Charlie still having matchups with Joe Paterno? C’mon, we all effing know that he’ll still be trolling the sidelines looking for BRAINSSSS!
by Geaux Irish on Sep 19, 2007 4:13 PM EDT reply actions
Rumor has it they’re bringing Gerry Faust out of retirement to straighten things out. And, the problem is not Ty’s recruits, it’s Davie’s recruits.
by yoyofutbawl on Sep 19, 2007 4:43 PM EDT reply actions
Ted Williams thinks the whole jar thing is a bit harsh.
by Out of Conference on Sep 19, 2007 5:02 PM EDT reply actions
Charlie is just spreading the love whereever he goes.
Hugh Millen (former Huskie and New England Patriot) is on the radio here, and said Weiss is the worst human being he has ever met. The story he told of his meeting with Weiss earlier this year was great no holds barred type stuff. I’ll see if there is a podcast of it somewhere…
by Palouse on Sep 19, 2007 6:28 PM EDT reply actions
Interesting Hugh Millen said that of Weiss [sic]. For the record, Millen is probably the worst QB that Weis had the pleasure of meeting.
by twelve bens on Sep 19, 2007 7:08 PM EDT reply actions
ND fans- say thanks to Ron Popeil, inventor of the technology to keep human heads alive in jars.
by wlibur on Sep 19, 2007 7:44 PM EDT reply actions
yeah, Weise deserves a big contract extension…. but how will his team do against the “All McFadden” team that Alabama will create in 2025 using the DNA stolen this past weekend?
by Futbawl Fan on Sep 19, 2007 8:26 PM EDT reply actions
Weis’s head in a jar: Nightmare fuel.
Paint him purple and he could become the new Grimace.
by The Duke of Wazzu on Sep 20, 2007 2:01 AM EDT reply actions
For the record, Millen is probably the worst QB that Weis had the pleasure of meeting.
Worse than Jimmy Clausen, really?
For the record, Weis (sorry the misspelling previously, I should try harder), never coached Millen. Maybe if he had, some of that “genius” would have rubbed off, or something. I’m just sayin’.
by Palouse on Sep 20, 2007 11:22 AM EDT reply actions
I would urge all ND alum with money to buy out the fat mans contract, if you already dislike ND well I guess smile, becuase it now officially has never been worse in 114 years of football at ND!!!
by tkfroggy on Nov 11, 2007 10:34 AM EST reply actions
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