Crank dat soulja boy! Texas may have problems: a starting linebacker who can’t tackle, bizarro backroom scheduling deals that have them going to Orlando to nearly lose a game to an upstart UCF team, team members on that purple drank, and a blogger snagged in a steroid scandal. But watch them DOOOOOO!!! Crank dat soulja boy!

Well, he is Phil Fulmer, after all. Fred Thompson, who has never really been seen in the same place as Tennessee head coach Phil Fulmer, slammed his door on a potential swing vote in the South Carolina primaries by announcing himself as a lifelong Vol fan too old to change at this point. One South Carolina pol responded:

S.C. Rep. Michael Thompson, R-Anderson, is a major Fred Thompson supporter (although the two are not related) and a major Gamecock fan. Michael Thompson was displeased to hear his candidate’s comments.

“We’re going to have a little talk about that,” Thompson said. “That’s all right. He’ll be saying that after the Ol’ Ball Coach rings up about half-a-hundred on him.”

Thompson attempted to make up ground by reiterating his stance that he was the most anti-gay and anti-Muslim-witch candidate, a remark that drew thunderous applause from the torch-carrying crowd. He then asked someone to get him a beer, ’scro.

Condolences: To the family of Nate Hill and those at Auburn mourning the former defensive tackle this morning. The 41 year old Hill died yesterday of unknown causes. Hill was a letterman at Auburn from 1984-1987.

No need to watch: Skynet’s already simulated the whole thing. The incomparable Phil Steele has handily eliminated your need to watch the rest of the 2007 football season by simulating out the conference records in his massive, data-crammed macroprocessor of a brain. One surprise: he’s got Cal going 5-4 the rest of the way in the Pac-10. We’d love to comfort you, Cal fans, and jibe away at how ludicrous this is. But Phil’s phoning this in from his luxury condo in the future. Get busy painting NO FUTURE on the walls.

Nebraska’s loss to Husker fans has beefy cornnecks screaming…um…Mammy?

You can’t leave, Rhett!

Again: you’re glad he exists. Steve Spurrier on his voting methodology this week in his poll ballot:

“Between LSU, Oklahoma and Southern Cal, it’s pretty much a coin flip,” he said. “But since LSU is in the SEC and we’re playing them this week, I voted them No. 1.”

Brazen honesty. Blatant self-interest. Click-clack, motherfuckers. He’s the Scarlett O’Hara of football coaches, and shall never go hungry again–though we’re guessing that on Saturday his own private Tara is about to be razed, sacked, looted, and fricasseed by a werewolf with a chainsaw for a dick wearing purple and yellow. And if that image of Steve Spurrier in a hoop dress being chased by whatever you imagine said werewolf to look like through flames and toppling white columns doesn’t run in your head all day…then we haven’t done our job, dammit.