Real pirates! Not fun! Like theft! And rape! Yarr!

Yes, it’s International Talk Like A Pirate Day, which like the shifting winds of fall puts one’s mind out to sea, the home of pirates like Mike Leach. Actually, most pirates we suspect are Indonesian or Somali, carry RPGs and pistols, and are missing one or more very yellowed teeth. But don’t blame us, misconstrued reality–blame Michael Lewis and the head swashbuckler himself, Leach.

Bringing us, mateys, to ponder the six year old question: be Captain Leach perched upon a treasure of gold unseen since the mines of Solomon belched forth their wealthy golden vomit o’ fortune? Or be it fool’s gold, as Texas Tech has pulled a textbook example o’ tackin’ ’round the reefs of early schedule contestation, feastin’ on the defenseless wee merchantmen of SMU, UTEP, and Rice to the measty sum of 153-64 in points, friend?

Yarr! Friend, Texas Tech may yet be hornswagglin’ ye–a likely 6 and unvanquished they’ll be goin’ into the matchup with Texas A&M on October 13th, where they’ll fain avoid the poundin’ offense of the biggest, ugliest mermaid gone terrestrial e’re the crust of this cursed earth cooled: the Black Cap’n Dennis Franchione. Wot with the beastie in Jorvorskie Lane, should be quite a night o’ wenchin’, drankin’, and merriment* to be had there for all concerned!

Still, it be tallish impressive to behold Graham Harrell and the moighty digits he puts forth on this early leg of the voyage: 120 completions, 160 attempts, 75.0 completion percentage, 1,317 yards total, and a 14/2 TD ratio. Great Neptune’s Jockstrap, them’s impressive, even against wee squabbers like they’ve been feastin’.

Get no illusions, however–Admiral Stoops lays in wait just round the horn, and a ferocious galleon he sails this season. Yet for a swabbie’s meager purse, none sailing the sea runs a more colorful ship, matey, than Leach–oh, how the cannonballs should fly when Missouri sees the Red Raiders sail into Missouri! A jolly day it should be, indeed, sirrah, most ’specially with all the heads rolling about the place and the thin hulls of defense on both sides. [TEAM REDACTED] scored 34 on them? Four score and a tankard of scumble for our fair captain that night!

HUZZAH!!!

*And by merriment, we mean rape. Let’s be clear on that. You think pirates be all fun and games, then you ken that next to showtunes, fresh breezes, and cosmopolitans on the stern in a muscle shirt, pirates also loves the rape. Seriously. Men, women, dogs, furniture, luxury European sports cars’ tailpipes, melons with holes cut in them–whatever. Don’t go a-sailin’ with one with virtue on your mind, lest the Barbary Coast find you bent over a barrel watchin’ the sun rise with a fleshpike firm square plied in thy poop deck for a watch’s length. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, if you’re into that. Pirates love frilly shirts and dancin’, too. Avast ye, love that dare not speak its name!

The simple task of putting 25 teams into order without committing logic fouls of murderous proportions is still confounding us four weeks into the season. GOOOOOOO BRUINS!!!

Notes, apologies, and outright errors of gross incompetence follow.

Rank	Team	Delta
1	LSU	—
2	Southern Cal	—
3	Florida	2
4	Oklahoma	1
5	West Virginia	1
6	Oregon	2
7	Ohio State	8
8	California	2
9	Penn State	2
10	Rutgers	—
11	Boston College	6
12	Texas	14
13	Wisconsin	2
14	South Carolina	2
15	Missouri	11
16	Clemson	3
17	South Florida	6
18	Georgia	4
19	Kentucky	7
20	Georgia Tech	11
21	Nebraska	7
22	UCLA	6
23	Arizona State	5
24	Alabama	2
25	Louisville	12

Notes, apologies, and outright errors of gross incompetence.

Your Chinese Jet Pilot Mistake of the Week. Leaving UCLA in anywhere near this poll, which we blame on incompetence, sheer incompetence, ma’am/sir. We’re considering self-probationing ourselves for next week based on our continued gaffes, especially towards the teams at the bottom of the poll. We apologize for the error, and ask you to anticipate further mistakes in the future.

Florida bumps up. October 6th is the day at least two of the Forde’s “Fearsome Foursome” fall flailing feetfirst for firmer terra: Florida plays LSU at home, and Oklahoma plays Texas in the Red River Shootout, whose politically incorrect name we will use until the day we die. Until then, given no serious changes across the board to USC/LSU/Florida’s record, Oklahoma remains at four, having only played a weak Miami team at home and getting their first conference game against bird-flip-inducing Colorado.

Ohio State: no longer _hi_ State. Demonstrated offense gets them and their beareating defense into the top ten ahead of Wisconsin. Wisconsin should scare the shit out of pollsters: they allowed 31 points to the Citadel, struggled against UNLV, and are either shakier than anticipated or doing the greatest job of sandbagging going into their Big Ten scheduled evarrr.

Pac-10 Split Cometh. Three Pac-10 teams in the top ten is an indicator both of a.) conference strength at the moment, and b.) a sign of an impending split, with either Oregon or Cal moving into the mid to early teens in the next week or two. Cal would be the early suspect, as their victory over Tennessee looks much less impressive than it did earlier while its defense has given up substantial points to both the Vols and Colorado State.

The early returns, though, remain shiny: 13-3 in out of conference play is the Pac-10 in 2007.

Other oddities: Boston College is likely overvalued here, but Matt Ryan is the only sexy name in an otherwise grotty ACC following Tech’s wiltage at home (!) against BC; Texas is Wisconsin-shaky right now, even with their charming rhythmic dancing, and likely doesn’t deserve the continued faith; we and everyone else voting for them will live to regret the high estimation of Missouri…but not yet; Kentucky is a better team than Louisville by virtue of having a defense; and finally, goooooOOOOOO BRUINS!!!

Wait, they weren’t the 44 in the score? Oh, fuck-a-hammer. We quit.

SOUTH BEND, IND (AP)–Notre Dame Athletic Director Kevin White announced the signing of a contract extension to head football coach Charlie Weis this morning, inking the third year head coach to an unprecedented three hundred year contract extension worth an estimated 1.4 billion dollars in salary and benefits.

“We’re pleased to announce that Notre Dame again stands at the forefront of college football by making sure we keep not only the future secure, but the future of the future of this football program in the right direction by making sure Coach Weis will be around for centuries to come,” said White, who spoke from the podium wearing a blue and gold jumpsuit.

“0-3 means nothing to us. Excellence is what matters, and that’s a long term goal. We’re here to show our commitment to it.”

Notre Dame Football Coach: 2047 Projection.

Weis, whose Notre Dame team is riding a five game losing streak and the first 0-3 start in school history, answered skeptical questions about the viability of a deal that not only endorses a coach whose team remains in dire straits, but also seems to defy the laws of mortality itself.

“Kevin and I have talked about it, and you know what? We’re not gonna talk about the future right now. That’s what contract negotiations are for. We’ve reopened training camp. We’re not rebuilding. I’m not gonna talk about that. I’m not. It’s just nice to have that vote of confidence going into training camp again.”

White took the brunt of the skepticism and addressed concerns specifically. For instance, how would Weis, already 51 and overweight, live to fulfill a contract exceeding not only his expected lifespan, but that of any already born?

Technology, says White, pure and simple. “People don’t just come here for the outstanding athletics, spiritual focus, or beautiful campus. They come here for a first rate, 21st century education,” said White. “And that includes technology.”

“We’ll be ready for the failure of Charlie’s organs, which will be replaced with new ones grown from existing, ethically provided stem cell lines provided by Charlie later today. When the replacement strategy proves untenable, Charlie has agreed to have his head severed from his body and placed in a life-sustaining jar filled with a nutritious, oxygen-rich syrup sustaining him for what our scientists predict will be a span of at least 120 years following his removal from the proto-body.”

At that point, White explained, they would have to figure something out. “But by then, we’re assured of three things. One, that Coach Weis will have this program thriving into his second century of rule. Two, that our investment now will have paid off double or perhaps triple, even with the projected rise of the Mer-people in 2108. And three, that we will have at least partially recovered from the recruiting shortfalls some people have left behind.”

White paused, and then corrected himself. “And by some people, I mean Ty Willingham, his name be cursed.”

Notre Dame Football Coach: 2168 A.D. Projection.

White also pooh-poohed suggestions he had fielded what Mark May called “the dumbest fucking contract I have ever seen–pardon my fucking language, ESPN, fire me if you will, but this is seriously the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever seen.”

“We’ve done the forecasting, people. Sure, there’s flexibility. The recruits of tomorrow will be different. So will the game. But there is one and only one answer for this: Charlie Weis. He’ll be able to relate to the gill-bearing wideouts of 2214, as well as be able to cope with the predicted introduction of energy weapons into gameplay in the mid-2160s. And most importantly, he’s got a commitment to his players, be they the anticipated cyclopic nuclear mutantbeasts from the Varragaraz Neutral Zone of No Return in 2245, the highly aware cyborg running backs from the Great Metallization of 2084, or the Vandal Jackalmen of the 2165 Gatorade Insurrection.”

White smiled, turned to Weis, and nodded with a smile. “He’s our man. Not forever, of course”–the room broke into laughter at this point–”But at least for the next 300 years!”

Weis testily summed up his feelings after a barrage of questions by saying, “I’m not thinking about life-support jars, bionic hearts, or transposing my neural fingerprint onto a chip for all eternity. All I’m thinking about is Michigan State next week–and how I’m gonna work flying mutants into the gameplan for that matchup versus Flextron Robot Sex Academy in 2093. Believe me, that’s the real challenge here!”

Illustrations: the awesome J-Money of Ladies… and Keep Your Receipt. Much thanks.

Woefully behind on Wednesday, the worst of all days for real life meeting the blog. However, we’ll hand off the Mustache Wednesday ‘Stache of the day to John Chavis, whose defense was uncharacteristically charitable this past Saturday.

He gave. And gave and gave and gave.

The possessor of the Bulgarian Customs Inspector lipstripe gets two awards this week, really, with the Yakety Sax tribute fad spreading to the SEC. The UT/Florida game gets the treatment below, including wacky high-speed BennyHillVision for no extra cost.

HT: Matt.