Introducing the first in at least one book project we’ll be involved in in our lifetime: The ESPN Guide To Psycho Fan Behavior. Lovingly crafted from the finest bits of endangered Indonesian hardwood trees, its pages contain untold depths and knowledge. Read it, and discover the secrets of:

–Fighting a Mascot

–Kidnapping a Mascot

–Ditching Family/Friends/Other Annoyances for Sport

–Surviving a Soccer Riot

–Proper Body Paint Application

–How to enlarge your Penis to SIZES UNSEEN IN THIS WORLD!!111!!!

–The proper way to light a couch on fire.

All of this and more awaits! So much can be said about the book, but the most relevant facts follow. One, each piece was written to occupy the exact time allotted for a single, average bowel movement, meaning that you can digest the book easily in the bathroom as you…um…digest. Two, it’s what you’re getting Dad or other male relatives for Christmas, since you’re all clueless as to what to get him, since all he really cares about are sports, his car, and perhaps his dog–just like you. Three, it’s funny. Seriously, the thing’s funny not only in content, but in that ESPN wrote us part of a check to write it.

And if that isn’t motivation enough…when thrown, blades fly from its side, turning it into a lethal self-defense weapon unstoppable to even the thickest of body armor. We swear this is true.

CONSUME, SLAVES!!! CONSUME!!!