PLUG PLUG PLUG! THE ESPN GUIDE TO PSYCHO FAN BEHAVIOR

by Orson on Sep 18, 2007 12:39 PM EDT

Introducing the first in at least one book project we'll be involved in in our lifetime: The ESPN Guide To Psycho Fan Behavior. Lovingly crafted from the finest bits of endangered Indonesian hardwood trees, its pages contain untold depths and knowledge. Read it, and discover the secrets of:

--Fighting a Mascot

--Kidnapping a Mascot

--Ditching Family/Friends/Other Annoyances for Sport

--Surviving a Soccer Riot

--Proper Body Paint Application

--How to enlarge your Penis to SIZES UNSEEN IN THIS WORLD!!111!!!

--The proper way to light a couch on fire.

All of this and more awaits! So much can be said about the book, but the most relevant facts follow. One, each piece was written to occupy the exact time allotted for a single, average bowel movement, meaning that you can digest the book easily in the bathroom as you...um...digest. Two, it's what you're getting Dad or other male relatives for Christmas, since you're all clueless as to what to get him, since all he really cares about are sports, his car, and perhaps his dog--just like you. Three, it's funny. Seriously, the thing's funny not only in content, but in that ESPN wrote us part of a check to write it.

And if that isn't motivation enough...when thrown, blades fly from its side, turning it into a lethal self-defense weapon unstoppable to even the thickest of body armor. We swear this is true.

CONSUME, SLAVES!!! CONSUME!!!

Tweet Comment 62 comments | 0 recs |

Do you like this story?

Comments

It’s like Odd-Job’s hat, only bookish. And useful.

I wonder how many times he cut his hands putting that damn bowler on.

by That 5.0 Guy (Now At Work!) on Sep 18, 2007 12:52 PM EDT reply actions

A man chooses, a slave obeys.

by irishoutsider on Sep 18, 2007 1:01 PM EDT reply actions

Pre-ordered it the other day with the Meat Market book. Do you have what it takes to fight the Orgeron for my toilet time?

by Allahver Fist on Sep 18, 2007 1:03 PM EDT reply actions

I am just bursting with pride. I’ve been grinning all day.

It really is funny.

by The Conscience of a Nation on Sep 18, 2007 1:08 PM EDT reply actions

Orson, you know they give away your name – that’s like KISS without the make-up

by Nick on Sep 18, 2007 1:09 PM EDT reply actions

There go my dreams of reading a blog by a Vietnam hero. Now, I just have the picture presented by Clay Travis stuck in my head with some nice Bama Bangs to go with it.

by tbmd96 on Sep 18, 2007 1:10 PM EDT reply actions

But does it have keys for how to make parts of other people’s anatomy become the property of your team’s star players?

Because if it doesn’t this book is already lacking.

by Kenny on Sep 18, 2007 1:11 PM EDT reply actions

- we all knew he couldn’t really be Orson Swindle, but still, it feels a little weird to read that there’s another name behind it.

by Signal to Noise on Sep 18, 2007 1:12 PM EDT reply actions

Not adopting Orson Swindle as your big time publishing pseudonym?

by nixforsix on Sep 18, 2007 1:16 PM EDT reply actions

The incident resulted in a student being tasered. Football coach Urban Meyer said “That’s harsh.”

by Simon Kenton on Sep 18, 2007 1:16 PM EDT reply actions

if you can read the ‘Sports Fans Throughout History’ timeline in the book — one of many brilliant pieces penned by the esteemed Orson Swindle himself — without laughing out loud, I will personally remove all the pins from your team’s mascot in my plushie mascot voodoo hex cabinet. It’s that funny.

by WSJ on Sep 18, 2007 1:16 PM EDT reply actions

ESPN doesn’t like …care that you trash them and thier parent company every day? Are you on the road to becoming Bill Simmons, and completely banned from mocking Disney and its affiliates as a result of the checks they write you?

It’s a slippery slope…

by Dave K. on Sep 18, 2007 1:17 PM EDT reply actions

Warren St. John almost sounds like it could be a real name.

by GamecockTony on Sep 18, 2007 1:25 PM EDT reply actions

Speaking of psycho, is there a regular season Fulmer Cup?
http://clarionledger.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070918/SPORTS/70918019

by jakldawg on Sep 18, 2007 1:28 PM EDT reply actions

David St. Hubbins, the patron saint of quality footwear

by Bonghit Gator on Sep 18, 2007 1:31 PM EDT reply actions

Phsyco Coed from Colorado:

Funniest fan of the week was an attractive coed from Colorado reacting to a missed field goal by her team.

She gave the middle finger to her kicker! The scene went by so fast, espn did not have time to react. Kind of grainy video, but nice anyway:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t2Vccb05DTE

Here is a clear picture (not video) of the unhappy babe:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/rnw124/1390075556/

by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me on Sep 18, 2007 1:40 PM EDT reply actions

Does this disclosure mean the end of the pseudonym? And does it also mean that your real job is now fully aware of your other vocation?

by maskedavenger on Sep 18, 2007 1:41 PM EDT reply actions

Nothing about how to steal a rivalry trophy from the other school’s athletic offices?

by Erik on Sep 18, 2007 1:45 PM EDT reply actions

I hope you got the part of the check with the signature and the numbers.

I’ll be sure to purchase a plethora of this book.

by Whitey on Sep 18, 2007 1:45 PM EDT reply actions

Spencer Hall. Spencer frigging Hall. [Shakes head]. Now how do I explain this to little Orson Pace when he gets older?

by Herb on Sep 18, 2007 1:47 PM EDT reply actions

that is pretty impressive. the whorns had another one arrested this mornining as well. you’re doing a find job mack.

by gerry dorsey on Sep 18, 2007 1:47 PM EDT reply actions

Would you kindly steal a gay sheep?

by Boy Howdy on Sep 18, 2007 1:49 PM EDT reply actions

Also, preordered.

by Boy Howdy on Sep 18, 2007 1:54 PM EDT reply actions

WANT

by Albino Tornado on Sep 18, 2007 1:56 PM EDT reply actions

- Cheer up, the real Orson Swindle was a bad ass Marine, and POW at the Hanoi Hilton with John McCain so it’s not a loss at all – solid American citizen.

by Brian on Sep 18, 2007 2:01 PM EDT reply actions

Amir Blumenfeld…if that’s not a fake name, it should be. Congratulations, I will be ordering this shortly.

by RowdyRoddyPiper on Sep 18, 2007 2:06 PM EDT reply actions

Stranko better watch out. Now that the rabid fanbase has the scent of blood, they’ll be coming after his identity too.

Priceless, Herb. Absolutely priceless.

by Boardmaster Brian on Sep 18, 2007 2:08 PM EDT reply actions

Here is a bio on the original Orson Swindle:

http://www.hunton.com/bios/bio.aspx?id=16727

by maskedavenger on Sep 18, 2007 2:09 PM EDT reply actions

Guess we better all fire up the console and change the name of our midjit linebackers …

by Kenny on Sep 18, 2007 2:09 PM EDT reply actions

And the curtain is lifted to reveal…yet another rule violation by Galen Hall?

by Sabanite on Sep 18, 2007 2:17 PM EDT reply actions

Finding out Orson’s real name was actually pretty easy, he registered edsbs.com under Spencer Hall.

by John on Sep 18, 2007 2:17 PM EDT reply actions

gerry dorsey is merely a pseudonym as well…but a quick google search will reveal my true identity.

by gerry dorsey on Sep 18, 2007 2:23 PM EDT reply actions

I came here hoping to see your coment on the big incident at Florida, Orson.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iqAVvlyVbag

I guess the 1st amendment doesn’t protect political questions that are unpleasant to someone more equal than us.

even if know one cares about the deeper issues of facism, the CFR party and the road to serfdom…I thought the folks here would like to see a good tasering of a UF student.

Ron Paul 2008

by Gabe on Sep 18, 2007 2:29 PM EDT reply actions

Reinhold!?!

by panhandler on Sep 18, 2007 2:33 PM EDT reply actions

#31

If you’re name was Orson Swindle, you’d probably register a url under “spencer hall” as well.

I work down the hall from Orson Swindle, and I can assure you, he really is an older gentleman with an impeccable knowledge of FTC regulations. Take it to the bank.

by QuiltybyAssociation on Sep 18, 2007 2:38 PM EDT reply actions

I thought EDSBS was the guide to psycho fan behavior.

I didn’t see the date this is coming out. Should I nab a copy now or put it on my Xmas list?

by oc phil on Sep 18, 2007 2:39 PM EDT reply actions

Intriguing…

http://www.bio.indiana.edu/facultyresearch/faculty/hall.html

by gosouthgohard on Sep 18, 2007 2:39 PM EDT reply actions

Nope.

by The Conscience of a Nation on Sep 18, 2007 3:05 PM EDT reply actions

The best pranks have been played out by MIT and Cal Tech students. MIT has been known to disrupt the Harvard/Yale game. But Cal Tech takes the cake by having their prank being seen by a national audience during the Rose Bowl.

Here is the link:

http://www.museumofhoaxes.com/pranks/rosebowl.html

Also cheack out the following book by Neil Steinberg, “If At All Possible Involve a Cow: The Book of College Pranks.”

I do not recall if the book mentions any sheep or rams so it might not be of interest to players at certain schools.

by Anonymous IV on Sep 18, 2007 3:11 PM EDT reply actions

Scroll about halfway down, then his name’s all over this one:

http://www.theirc.org/what/client_services.html

by Oren Incandenza on Sep 18, 2007 3:12 PM EDT reply actions

Psycho fans anyone? Calling any and all psycho fans…#35,#38…

by Brian on Sep 18, 2007 3:21 PM EDT reply actions

i use my real name, what’s the big friggin’ deal? i’m gonna get tasered now, aren’t i…

please don’t tase me, bro!!!

by Cameron Siggs on Sep 18, 2007 3:23 PM EDT reply actions

Nope!

This is fun.

by The Conscience of a Nation on Sep 18, 2007 3:33 PM EDT reply actions

I plead guilty to being a psycho fan of EDSBS. T-shirts, anyone?

by Oren Incandenza on Sep 18, 2007 3:37 PM EDT reply actions

It might not be psycho fan behavior, but I applied and was accepted for graduate study at a university in Europe. I ending up not going because of other reasons in my current PhD program, but I was seriously considering not going because I would not be able to watch any games. I have no regrets about not going. College football is more important than Europe.

by Anonymous IV on Sep 18, 2007 3:42 PM EDT reply actions

At first, I thought the tasered guy looked like Tebow; then I realized it would take more than 6 UPDs to keep Tebow down.

Somebody taser the blurb gods at Amazon. Some things we don’t need to know.

by GoneGator on Sep 18, 2007 3:46 PM EDT reply actions

How about this one?International consulting….sounds fancy.

by Palouse on Sep 18, 2007 3:51 PM EDT reply actions

Forgot to mention earlier that I was wondering when O was going to be getting in on some published materials or Satellite Radio shows. I guess this answers the question. All hail the new King of all Media.

by Brian on Sep 18, 2007 3:53 PM EDT reply actions

45 – Your a idiot

by rtr on Sep 18, 2007 3:54 PM EDT reply actions

Whoops; 46

by rtr on Sep 18, 2007 3:56 PM EDT reply actions

At least I know the proper use of “your” and “you’re”, and the correct use of “a” and “an”. Get edumacated and get back to me. Who’s the idiot?

by Palouse on Sep 18, 2007 3:57 PM EDT reply actions

Alright, I take it back ;)

by Palouse on Sep 18, 2007 3:58 PM EDT reply actions

Palouse – although I can’t figure out the comment numbering (which I swear changed on me), I can usually recognize obviously intentional misuse of the language.

by rtr on Sep 18, 2007 4:02 PM EDT reply actions

(rtr):

Comment numbers do change. If you’re posting for the first time, your comment must be approved in some way, but it’ll post in chronological order once it’s been approved. So approval of posts will bump later ones down.

I’m just kidding. You’re totally imagining it. Lay off the margaritas at lunch.

by Boy Howdy on Sep 18, 2007 4:18 PM EDT reply actions

@ Palouse v.47

Indialantic, Florida? Now THAT sounds made up.

by GamecockTony on Sep 18, 2007 4:29 PM EDT reply actions

Wait a minute.
Spencer – why do you own www.BenFolds.org?

by GamecockTony on Sep 18, 2007 4:31 PM EDT reply actions

Wow. I clicked on that IRC one, and that one could work. It’s in Atlanta, and it deals with refugees, which might explain Orson’s insane knowledge of Africa and Asia and soccer.

My personal theory is that there are two Orsons, and that’s why they always refer to themselves in the 1PP. One does something with global whatever, and the other one is an engineer. And there’s no way one person could handle that much posting in a day without some type of superpower.

by wilbur on Sep 18, 2007 7:05 PM EDT reply actions

Yeah, I’ve seen that movie. There is such secrecy involved in all things EDSBS. Pseudo-pics, pseudo-names…

The Truth is out there.

by Erik on Sep 18, 2007 8:38 PM EDT reply actions

I used to know a Spencer when I lived in Hotlanta. Small world.

by Stockman on Sep 18, 2007 11:05 PM EDT reply actions

This is really different,

From the Utah Department of Workforce Services:

Community Organizations Celebrate World Refugee Day in Salt Lake City.

The Utah World Refugee Day event will take place Friday June 21, 7:00 P.M. at the University of Utah, [b]Orson Spencer Hall[/b] in the auditorium. The public is invited to participate in this important event. There is free entrance and parking.

by Stockman on Sep 18, 2007 11:24 PM EDT reply actions