We don't have anything unkind to say about the Tennessee Volunteers; losing 59-20 to Florida in hellacious heat and noise on Saturday was unkind enough. (Why was Florida still throwing deep in the 4th quarter up by 20 plus? Because you were still on the field. This is Sparta.)
Instead, we wish to praise the one person we saw besides Rico McCoy working his asscheeks off for Tennessee: the Tennessee Water Boy.
Not enough can really be said to praise the whirlwind diligence of the collective Tennessee hydration squad on Saturday. Prepping a team for the Dantean furnace of a full game in the Swamp is to the sideline support team what K2 is for a team of mountaineers: the ultimate challenge. Despite a full squad of players and coaches sweating a collective Lake Okechobee of perspiration in the spongy bermuda grass of Florida Field (on a day so mercilessly hot they ran out of Gatorade at the concessions stands on the student side of the stadium,) the Tennessee sideline crew not only lost no one due to cramping, but also managed to:
a.) Keep the cups in those perfect little circles the entire time. We're not exaggerating. In between watching Tim Tebow throw balls through the chests of Tennessee defenders for long gains, we maintained a steady eye on those circles. Not ten seconds passed before the removal of a cup and the replacement of a cup. Obligatory comment by our brother-in-law Boridicus: a circle is the same shape as a donut, natch.
And b.) The Tennessee crew was moving fast enough to not only hydrate the whole team with the precision of a SEAL team knifing their way through a jungle encampment, but also hand out beverages to the Tennessee fans sitting in the first four rows. Of all the comments we heard on Saturday from Gator fans to Vol fans, two stick out: "Stay hydrated!" and of course, the obligatory "Fuck you!"
So 100 COCKTAILS TO YOU, Vol Hydration squad. Know that on a day of great loss for your team, you played like champions and others took note of your tireless efforts to make thirst your and the team's bitch. Which it totally is.