Transitive Property Football Herpes is no laughing matter, citizen. It does not sleep. It comes in the guise of a friend and leaves you burning in places you never imagine could burn. And it’s spreading, citizen, like a wildfire across these beautiful gridirons of our nation.

The good news is that, with proper protection, it’s preventable. And we at EDSBS Labs (”Bringing You The Future, One Past At A Time!”) have identified the index case, method of transmission, and its chief wellsprings. Remember, these three steps will help those seeking to avoid catching “the Spanish Friend” from football encounters:

1. Use protection. Max protection, if necessary.

2. The best defense is a good offense! A spread offense with a mobile quarterback, if at all possible.

3. Wash hands immediately after contact. Hand sanitizers are not enough–a full washing of the hands can do more to prevent infection than almost anything. Sing Yankee Doodle while washing with warm water and soap–this is more than enough time to kill 99.99% of germs, and is an easy way to safely interact with carriers.

4. Beat them in football games.

Vigilance, citizen! Good health is just a good offensive line away. Recruit, wash, and spread your way to a transitive football herpes-free life! Only together can we tackle this problem together.