PARALLEL UNIVERSE: 4:45 A.M SUNDAY

by Orson on Sep 13, 2007 12:13 PM EDT

(He comes to in dark room. Turns on the light. The clock reads 4:45 a.m. It's Sunday, September 16th, 2007.)

Jesus, my mouth tastes terrible. Just awful. Like someone shaved a rat on it. You'd think a grown man would know better than to combine red wine, dollar jello shots, and jager bombs. But this grown man didn't. Need...water. Need...

Oh, fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

(A Michigan t-shirt sits on the floor. A pack of condoms sits on the nightstand. It has been opened.)

Oh, god. Oh, please, Lord. Not again. Not again. I thought this was the bottom. I know it's been a bad two weeks. I know I'm bad and need help, serious, serious help. If you're there, say I don't have to look. Please say this didn't happen.

(A groan comes from a bulky body on the bed next to him. The sheets stink of sin and the faint whiff of Bechamel sauce.)

Okay. Okay. It happened again. FUCK! Wait--I can accept that. Reality check. Courage. Like a Victor would.

I'm gonna look. One quick turn to the right and all. And you want to know the truth, right? It's better to know the truth, right? Because you'll feel better. Because you'll feel better. And it can't get worse than Appalachian State. It just...can't.

One...two...three...

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This may not happen. In fact, it probably won't. But when you find a gif(t) like that, you have to build it a gilded frame and hang it. The work of LSUFreek, commenter at TigerDroppings, who must be brilliant like the sun.

Tweet Comment 36 comments | 0 recs |

Do you like this story?

Comments

Hail to the Victor/Victoias?

by Bully Van De Graaff on Sep 13, 2007 12:18 PM EDT reply actions

Hail to the Victor/Victorias?

by Bully Van De Graaff on Sep 13, 2007 12:18 PM EDT reply actions

I’d hit it.

(with a baseball bat wrapped in rusty barbed wire.)

by Run Up The Score on Sep 13, 2007 12:18 PM EDT reply actions

you have just made going to sleep tonight a lot harder with that video….

by Futbawl Fan on Sep 13, 2007 12:19 PM EDT reply actions

im demanding that somebody has to clean all of the diet coke off of my computer screen from that video, dammit.

by rjsplow on Sep 13, 2007 12:22 PM EDT reply actions

I’m pretty sure anyone could’ve seen what was coming after the jump, but it still made me cry laughing. I think it was the headset.

by PW on Sep 13, 2007 12:24 PM EDT reply actions

Nice Mustache. Now fix me a sandwich. See what throwing 3 INTS gets ya?

by Mr Pelican Pants on Sep 13, 2007 12:27 PM EDT reply actions

Jimmy Clausen has a very promising adult film direction career ahead of him.

by Ted Ginn did Everythin' on Sep 13, 2007 12:34 PM EDT reply actions

Wow.

by jebushchrist on Sep 13, 2007 12:36 PM EDT reply actions

i’d bet charlie is at least a d-cup.

by gerry dorsey on Sep 13, 2007 12:47 PM EDT reply actions

PW – that and the steely gaze.

Holy fucking hell that’s funny.

by Oops Pow Surprise on Sep 13, 2007 12:49 PM EDT reply actions

One word: Oleo.

by Der Schatten on Sep 13, 2007 12:50 PM EDT reply actions

Oh, man.
You just can’t show me something like that without giving me something like this to get it out of my head:
http://chariotsoftities.ytmnd.com/

wait….
or this:
http://selmasboobs.ytmnd.com/

by PDXGoneGator on Sep 13, 2007 12:59 PM EDT reply actions

Is it just me, or does the screaming man strongly resemble Jeff Foxworthy?

by The Conscience of a Nation on Sep 13, 2007 1:07 PM EDT reply actions

Since this is related, I’ll post it here. Can someone please put Tom Lemming out of his fucking misery?

“Mallett’s arm strength is unbelievable,” Lemming said. “I compare him to Jeff George and Dan Marino. Clausen might be the better quarterback, though. When he’s healthy, he is the best precision passer I’ve seen. So it’s like [Joe] Montana against Marino.”

Yeah, it’s like that, if they didn’t have six or seven quarters of collegiate playing time between them, or led either of their teams to a single fucking touchdown yet.

by Run Up The Score on Sep 13, 2007 1:09 PM EDT reply actions

- what about Crisco?

Someone pass the bleach, please.

by Signal to Noise on Sep 13, 2007 1:11 PM EDT reply actions

If I had to wake up in the Dearborn Ritz with a hangover and a stinky Domer in the bed, I think I’d prefer Moby Chuck, the Great Weis Whale, to that damn leprechaun. I could make my escape while distracting Weis by throwing butter pats as a diversion. Those are a lot easier to find in a hotel than a box of Lucky Charms would be.

by PJ from NU in SF on Sep 13, 2007 1:23 PM EDT reply actions

Despite the copious amounts of alcohol, I’m sure it never would have happened were it not for Charlie’s damn come-hither smile.

by maskedavenger on Sep 13, 2007 1:29 PM EDT reply actions

Pete Carrol wakes up in the Beverly Hills Ritz Carlton refreshed and well rested, next to at least 2 song girls.

by Brian on Sep 13, 2007 1:31 PM EDT reply actions

Too far?

Sent from my iPhone

by FutureExMrTexasGal on Sep 13, 2007 1:34 PM EDT reply actions

Waking up with Charlie beside me wouldn’t really give me pause…because I would know, that much like the Domer’s season, I could neither achieve nor maintain.

by Der Schatten on Sep 13, 2007 1:35 PM EDT reply actions

Simon & Simon was a great show…

by Matt on Sep 13, 2007 1:44 PM EDT reply actions

When did Lloyd grow a mustache?

by ProfKid93 on Sep 13, 2007 1:47 PM EDT reply actions

Did Charlie and Phillip get separated at birth? Uncanny resemblance.

by MeytonPanning on Sep 13, 2007 1:47 PM EDT reply actions

RUTS…where’s the link for that Lemming quote? That guy is such a grade A hack.

by Beatuofa on Sep 13, 2007 1:53 PM EDT reply actions

The guy is screaming because Weis’ stomach staple were scratching him.

by Scalz1 on Sep 13, 2007 2:05 PM EDT reply actions

beatuofa: Here you go.

by Run Up The Score on Sep 13, 2007 2:33 PM EDT reply actions

I can’t take credit for this one as I’m just the messenger.

by Geaux Irish on Sep 13, 2007 3:03 PM EDT reply actions

You want the mustache on or off?

Too bad.

by Trojan Chica on Sep 13, 2007 3:10 PM EDT reply actions

nice one Trojan Chica….very underappreciated show

and check this out:
sharkgina.com

by PW on Sep 13, 2007 4:03 PM EDT reply actions

That pic above is actually from The M Zone. Yes, Michigan fans are in full-on sarcastic detachment mode.

But Charlie Weis fat jokes are still funny:

http://bp0.blogger.com/_P4hf8-KMfok/RugwVl7MxxI/AAAAAAAAAMk/sSJAGBs02ZY/s1600-h/weiszilla2.jpg

(Yes, I’m proud of my mad Paint skillz, yo.)

by Dave on Sep 13, 2007 4:04 PM EDT reply actions

Holy shit, I thought that was Britney Spears with that headset on….. Oh Snap!

by Mr Pelican Pants on Sep 13, 2007 4:57 PM EDT reply actions

PW – sweeeet!
I can’t believe my work isn’t blocking it. Way to cut my productivity in half… some more. Awesome.

by Trojan Chica on Sep 13, 2007 6:48 PM EDT reply actions

Crying Shame Dept

I laughed and laughed at the Weis video, but then realized that there is a “REAL MRS Charlie Weis” out there who has to wake up next to that big stinky thing every morning…..

And on ocasions, must go to the toilet right after Charlie has bombed it after a night dinner of beans, liver and onions….

And on ocasions, perhaps every third Friday in February, must put out…..

Lady deserves a medal.

by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me on Sep 13, 2007 7:14 PM EDT reply actions

Charlie Weis fat jokes are not now, nor have they ever been. Not because I’m offended by people making fun of Charlie’s enormity, but because I have yet to see a clever one. They’re all the same: Charlie’s fat- he must eat a lot.

There’s your damn joke.

Let me give an example of what I might consider a mildly amusing Charlie Weis fat joke (pretend this is coming from a UM fan):

I have high hopes for the team this weekend, after all ND is winless so far. I do worry, however, about Mallett’s ability to adjust to Charlie Weis’s gravitational pull causing the ball to fly toward the east sideline.

(alternatively, were ND to play Kansas, a joke about a black hole spontaneously forming when Weis and Mangino shook hands could be funny, particularly if the term “Schwarzchild Radius” were properly used. The joke lies in the result of the fat man, not the cause thereof. We all know how he got fat. There’s no creativity in “he eats a lot”. There’s a lot of creativity to be had in effects)

by crazy tom on Sep 14, 2007 2:00 AM EDT reply actions