LOU HOLTZ MOTIVATIONAL SPEECH: TAKE TWO
by Orson on Sep 12, 2007 4:26 PM EDT
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PrintMichigan plays Notre Dame in Ann Arbor for what Brian has entitled Cripple Fight 2007. On the heels of his amazing motivational speech last week, we asked Lou Holtz to try again. He responded thusly (speech prefiltered for lisp, though feel free to add it if you like.)
Lou Holtz, motivational speaker, tries again.What I want you to know is that we're all here for a purpose. People want purpose. People crave purpose. People also crave honey, like bears do, whether it's on melba toast, biscuits, or even their oatmeal in the morning. So we're like bears in a lot of ways men. And that's what I'm here to tell you: you're all bears who like honey. In football uniforms.
And one thing bears do is sleep. They're strong, bears. God made 'em with four paws so they could get where the want to go so they don't have to use cars.
Because bears have lousy credit, men. Why? Because they don't take care of the thing they're supposed to, that's why! Like the rent, or bills, or driving their cars. What's a bear doing with a car when I just said they don't need them?
Life's funny like that sometimes, men.
Bears who have cars they can't drive because they don't have hands. Football teams with lots of talent who can't win. Chinese people. Zeppelin accidents.
Holtz: Take that, Kaiser Tojo!They're all funny in their own way, but also share one important thing in common: they're all terrible things we should fear in our sleep--Chinese people, especially. They're all out to get you and you need someone to help, because there's at least 1.3 billion Chinese people out there and god knows how many bears. AND ZEPPELINS!!! We haven't even begun to talk about Zeppelins yet! Marauding inflatable Teutonic johnsons waggling their way across the sky! Indecent and flammable all at once. I smoked my first and only cigarette on one, once. Saved America by doing it, too, men, which goes to show you that preparation is success divided by a semi-controlled substance, sometimes.
Anyway, there's no one else left to depend on. You can't call mama now, son, but you're not alone. Look around this room. Go ahead, turn around to the right.
Look at the man next to you. Look him good in the eyes.
Now promise him right now that you'll fight for him.
Say it! Now promise that you'll die for him.
Say it again! Promise that you'll be the one who props up his jalopy, pulls him from a burning whorehouse, and takes him to places of ecstasy he's never even dreamed of in his most sensational of nightfevers.
I DON'T CARE IF IF MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE, JUST SAY IT, DAMMIT!!!
Good! Now kiss him in the European fashion. Europeans like to kiss other men, but it helps them hang together in tough times, especially the Greeks. And like the Greeks at the Battle of Kohima-Imphal, we're going to run them over with tanks drawn by elephants. Elephants of victory, gentlemen, with hate as fuel.
That's Notre Dame out there! God IS on their side!Yes, hate! Do you hate enough to win! That's Notre Dame out there! They think god's on their side! And he is, because they're Jews, and therefore the chosen people, so you've got to fight like mad pagans out there today, men with no afterlife to face! Men without hope! In fact, you're all going to die alone, men. Alone, frightened, and probably too drunk to know you're freezing to death in a snowbank.
And you know what that is? Unfair and cruel, men. In fact, this whole team is drunk in a snowbank right now. Stinking drunk, like when your girlfriend runs off with a Negro and walks around smiling and bowlegged around town.
And you know who Notre Dame is? Notre Dame's a homeless man passing your way and eyeing that half-empty bottle of Tipsy Welshman in your hand. Yes, another stinking drunk like you, except you're not homeless, but instead are late on your rent at some flophouse you won't even bring widowed floozies hopped up on goofballs home to. Because you've been fired from your job selling Fuller Brushes, because who wants to buy a brush from some guy who sleeps drunk in snowbanks all the time? It's damn hard to get people to open the door when you look like you do, much less sell them a fucking brush!
You're all angry and dying in a snowbank right now, men. But before you go, you can find the one person on the planet more miserable than you right now and let them know one thing: you may be a miserable, penniless bastard praying for death underneath a boulder of misery, but there's one person left who's worse off than you. And that's that homeless guy who you're going to beat unconscious and pee yellow ice cubes onto in the dank light of a rattrap alley for trying to take your bottle of Tipsy Welshman.
AND WE'RE NOT GONNA LET HIM TAKE OUR BOTTLE OF TIPSY WELSHMAN, ARE WE MEN?
That's right. You'll beat him down with that briefcase of broken dreams and unsold brushes, men. You'll do that right now. Then you'll throw down that suitcase and join the French Foreign Legion, where you'll assume the name Jean-Pierre, marry a Malian negress, and probably die of sunstroke.
But before all that...let's go beat Notre Dame with that briefcase full of pain, men.
LET'S GO!
Lou Holtz is a commentator for ESPN and former college football coach. He was known as Ernst Himmelgarb before his stint in the French Foreign Legion from 1947--1953.
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I just read the line Kaiser Tojo and I’m not sure the laughter is ever going to stop hurting
by Jerkwheat on Sep 12, 2007 4:36 PM EDT reply actions
I’ve been reading this site for years now, and I think I can say that this was one of the best posts ever.
I just started a slow clap in my office.
by RaginCajunRebel on Sep 12, 2007 4:46 PM EDT reply actions
LOL funny stuff. I wouldn’t doubt he would say some of this stuff. Thanks coach. Seriously, when is ESPN going to take this retard off it’s network? He makes about as much sense as Mike Vick working as a dog groomer. Hope Aubie loses to the Croomer this weekend so Lou can give a talk to dem boys down on de plain. GO STATE GO STATE-worst chant in CFB
ROLL TIDE ROLL!!!!!
by AllKneelBeforeSABAN on Sep 12, 2007 4:48 PM EDT reply actions
“In fact, this whole team is drunk in a snowbank right now. Stinking drunk, like when your girlfriend runs off with a Negro and walks around smiling and bowlegged around town.”
Sadly, I can def. predict that Lou would actually say that. +1 for you, Orson.
by Mike on Sep 12, 2007 4:51 PM EDT reply actions
You are a magnificent, brilliant, SOB….
by The Last Dragon on Sep 12, 2007 4:52 PM EDT reply actions
Amazing, par usual. And I’m a Michigan grad, so right now it sounds like it might even work.
by Jackwraith on Sep 12, 2007 4:54 PM EDT reply actions
Umm, did anybody else notice Orson’s parody actually made more sense than the “serious” one ESPN broadcast last week?
by jbob on Sep 12, 2007 4:54 PM EDT reply actions
That’s it, I’m never gonna read this blog in class again.
by PW on Sep 12, 2007 4:55 PM EDT reply actions
Lou forgot to mention the lack of women in China, which will ensure extreme testosterone levels in the unmarried men, who will then want to destroy America.
And we can’t let that happen.
by Tim on Sep 12, 2007 5:01 PM EDT reply actions
When used in this context, “God” is a proper noun.
Carry on.
by RIP Logan Young on Sep 12, 2007 5:02 PM EDT reply actions
“Notre Dame’s a homeless man passing your way and eyeing that half-empty bottle of Tipsy Welshman in your hand.”
Notre Dame is … Shakey Jake?
by Russ on Sep 12, 2007 5:07 PM EDT reply actions
“AND WE’RE NOT GONNA LET HIM TAKE OUR BOTTLE OF TIPSY WELSHMAN, ARE WE MEN?”
I just imagined Lloyd Carr saying this in his pregame speech to the team and I can’t stop laughing. Terrific work again Orson. This speech also transcends the players in the game because, as a Michigan fan, I know that Notre Dame fan are even more miserable than we are right now… which provides comfort for my dying soul.
by Michigan Gator on Sep 12, 2007 5:13 PM EDT reply actions
“AND WE’RE NOT GONNA LET HIM TAKE OUR BOTTLE OF TIPSY WELSHMAN, ARE WE MEN?”
I just imagined Lloyd Carr saying this in his pregame speech to the team and I can’t stop laughing. Terrific work again Orson. This speech also transcends the players in the game because, as a Michigan fan, I know that Notre Dame fans are even more miserable than we are right now… which provides comfort for my dying soul.
by Michigan Gator on Sep 12, 2007 5:14 PM EDT reply actions
except you’re not homeless, but instead are late on your rent at some flophouse you won’t even bring widowed floozies hopped up on goofballs home to.
lol, everytime I hear Lou speak I think of floozies hopped up on goofballs, and he is their king.
by sweeptheleg on Sep 12, 2007 5:16 PM EDT reply actions
“preparation is success divided by a semi-controlled substance, sometimes.”
100 semi-controlled substance cocktails to you, Sir.
by Sabanite on Sep 12, 2007 5:22 PM EDT reply actions
I could see Lou Holtz , in a paranoid delusion, going off the track like Jonestown speech:
“Men, they will be flying in here soon, and they will probaly try to gun all of us and our fans down by halftime. So, at the 1:00 minute mark in the second quarter, if you dont want them killing your parents and your babies, I want you to drink this Kool-aid as you stand there on the sideline and pass it around to the student section.” Then they all fall down and in a weird chain of events, so does the Michigan team, but they were poisoned by LLoyd Carr. Michigan wins by default since Lou and the Irish voluntarily drinks theirs and LLoyd is the last man standing.
Funny thing is , no one knows that either team is dead, since both teams looked that way for the first 2 games of the season.
by Mr Pelican Pants on Sep 12, 2007 5:41 PM EDT reply actions
+100 cocktails for the CBI Theater reference, Orson.
by PJ from NU in SF on Sep 12, 2007 5:44 PM EDT reply actions
If only he could have included a “thufferin’ thucatathshhh” in there….
by crabs on Sep 12, 2007 5:47 PM EDT reply actions
Lou Holtz, himself, would be proud. If he could still read, that is.
by Alan on Sep 12, 2007 5:56 PM EDT reply actions
PJ—it’s our favorite WW2 theater. We had to, if only for Vinegar Joe and Peanut.
by Orson Swindle on Sep 12, 2007 5:57 PM EDT reply actions
#18. Michigan’s offence ought to be closer to recovery than ours, but NO to your misery quotient.
Watching the true frosh and soph from CW’s 2 full recruiting cycles isn’t quite the downer of Lloyd’s K–T boundary events.
by canuck on Sep 12, 2007 6:10 PM EDT reply actions
For just a moment in your mind, turn off the lisp filter and imagine Lou saying these words: Zeppelin accidents.
This is my new favorite, Orson. Well done.
by beast in 'bama on Sep 12, 2007 6:13 PM EDT reply actions
#19, Michigan Gator:
You think Domies are more miserable than Michigan fans right now?
Right now, I think ND fans are not as miserable for two reasons:
1) A lower division team did not beat them and
2) Although their “Robot F’ing Genius” Weis is an “offense” expert, his team gained a net of zero, zilch, “0” yards in two games, and have been outscored by its own defense, they still like to blame it on the Black Man.
But, after Michigan whips ND this Saturday, then I think ND fans will be more miserable than Michigan, Brittney Spears, post MTV show dance bit and Bill Belly-chick, post NFL infractions for being caught cheating again…….
by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me on Sep 12, 2007 6:16 PM EDT reply actions
Ah, Stilwell… one of the army’s great diplomats. Any other reasons?
My interest is thanks to my grandfather, who barely got back from there alive.
by PJ from NU in SF on Sep 12, 2007 6:17 PM EDT reply actions
@19
Nah, we’re actually pretty happy. We’ve been expecting a rough year now for a while. And watching Michigan lose tempers the pain even more.
by Michael on Sep 12, 2007 6:18 PM EDT reply actions
Where in the hell are the scans of the Girls of the SEC? I need to pick a new stable before this weekend!
by Ryan Succop on Sep 12, 2007 6:28 PM EDT reply actions
Misery Quotient:
Right now, I think Michigan is more miserable, having lost to a lower division school.
But, when Michigan beats ND this Saturday, I think the Domies will be far more miserable, since many ND students consider Michigan as their main rival.
(USC is now way too uptown for poor ND types.)
And, Domies will stop blaming the Black Man for problems too complex to be solved by the “Robot F’ing Genius” who has the SAME net yards on offense as the long dead – Four Horsemen of Notre Dame also known as Harry Stuhldreher, Don Miller, Jim Crowley, and Elmer Layden – which are ZERO!
by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me on Sep 12, 2007 6:42 PM EDT reply actions
“Cripple Fight”? More like a mud wrestling match between a couple of quadriplegics…………….
“Black Knight: Right, I’ll do you for that!
King Arthur: You’ll what?
Black Knight: Come here!
King Arthur: What are you gonna do, bleed on me?
Black Knight: I’m invincible!
King Arthur: …You’re a loony.”
Nice work…….
by DarthGatorOne on Sep 12, 2007 6:50 PM EDT reply actions
PJ—
He had a short temper, had no troops, no support, a boss who literally didn’t understand the language he spoke, and walked out of Burma through Japanese-controlled territory as a fifty-plus year-old man.
All that and he spoke fluent Mandarin and considered China more of a home to him than the US. Fascinating guy.
by Orson Swindle on Sep 12, 2007 6:51 PM EDT reply actions
I do have to keep in mind that ND is our #3 rival… behind the Sweatervest Crew and MSU. I would have to imagine that we are either #1 or #2 to most Domers. And upon further review, I do believe our pain right now is much deeper than the Domers because of HOT HOT HOT… However, I also believe that the likelihood of UM turning their season around (and by around I mean to the tune of 6-6 or 7-5 to at least make a bowl game) is much greater than ND turning their season around because we actually have talent on offense that has gone retarded through the first two games…
by Michigan Gator on Sep 12, 2007 7:04 PM EDT reply actions
Michigan believes that by beating the lowly Big Ten and non-conference opponents like App. St. (oops) every year that they automatically should contend for the national title, which is what I guess they were supposed to do this season (oops). Michigan should be far more miserable because they have always believed they were in a superior conference for decades, even though they always have had a difficult time in Pasadena. USC and Oregon might have opened some eyes, but probably not. Here’s hoping they hire another Bo disciple.
Great article. As an ND grad, I realize we haven’t mattered in fifteen years. Michigan just didn’t realize it until they lost to teams outside of the Big 10 over and over and over.
by Mark on Sep 12, 2007 7:07 PM EDT reply actions
Therefore, if ND beats Michigan, the total misery in the world will increase by a greater amount than if Michigan beats ND. Michigan still has more to lose here.
I will be cringing if Notre Dame finds a way to beat them.
by Tim on Sep 12, 2007 7:19 PM EDT reply actions
“That’s Notre Dame out there! They think god’s on their side! And he is, because they’re Jews, and therefore the chosen people…”
That’s some great stuff right there! The fightin’ catholic are now Jews. Rightous.
by TPS Reports on Sep 12, 2007 8:33 PM EDT reply actions
Orson, you have passed the final hurdle from too funny college football b.s. to art in its most uplifting form. In truth, you probably crossed the de facto threshold of whatever I just congratulated you on in the prior sentence months, if not years ago, but for some reason, writers of your genius have to do it and do it over forty-seven times in a row before they are recognized. Shakespeare, George Eliot and Orson Swindle now inhabit the same sphere.
What’s for cheesecake action tomorrow?
by joe martin on Sep 12, 2007 10:05 PM EDT reply actions
This was fucking great, but i’m pretty sure you meant the Battle of the Hydaspes River in Punjab (if you indeed meant the Macedonians). Kohima-Imphal was a WWII battle fought by American and British units during the reclamation of Burma — closer to your theme, but the only thing Greek was the VC (Victory Cornholing, not those other VC). Blame my just having read Churchill’s 6-volume history in all its pedantic glory this last month. Or educate us! Thanks for the fantastic post.
rock over atlanta
rock over the flats
tab: fuel to be fabulous
by Nick Black on Sep 12, 2007 10:13 PM EDT reply actions
Holy shit, Orson.
Semi-controlled substances are on the house.
by Run Up The Score on Sep 13, 2007 12:37 AM EDT reply actions
36, saw the print version earlier in the week.
Auburn and Ole Miss win.
by Raider Red on Sep 13, 2007 2:56 AM EDT reply actions
you must fight like wild pagan bears with no afterlife (and no cars) to win this game
that would make a great t-shirt
by Beergut on Sep 13, 2007 4:44 AM EDT reply actions
Very good work, I’m just not buying that Lou would ever say anything that might be interpreted as negative on Notre Dame, ever. We’re talking Lou Holtz here.
by Job on Sep 13, 2007 6:25 AM EDT reply actions
I second the shirt nomination. And was disappointed at the lack of a promiscuos drummer. Otherwise, Bra – fucking – vo.
by Scalz1 on Sep 13, 2007 8:21 AM EDT reply actions
does anyone wonder why any of those d-bags on sportscenter make 6 digits. I can throw antiquated phrases like booyah and make white people feel uncomfortable, although I don’t have the lazy eye and have to wear tinted lenses to make everyone feel uncomfortable
by Jmuthaf'nT on Sep 13, 2007 8:49 AM EDT reply actions
I hate them all, but I would keep trey wingo around just to ask his parents if I could have whatever they were using when they named him
by Jmuthaf'nT on Sep 13, 2007 8:50 AM EDT reply actions
56, 57,…
Proper 4 letter bashing can be done here:
http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/?p=1406#comment-11226
Currently over 1350 comments and still climbing. If you hate ESPN, go there and you’ll find enough venom to fill an ocean. Well deserved I say.
by drogue on Sep 13, 2007 8:57 AM EDT reply actions
Nick Black, you completely missed the point of the reference. Orson knows darn well what battle that is—the point is that Lou Holtz is insane. Adjust your irony meter and reread.
by Nate (ltdomer98) on Sep 13, 2007 9:04 AM EDT reply actions
Personally, I wish Lou Holthz would say:
Misheegan, I farth in your generath directhion.
Bring out your dead…..Bring out your deeeadd.
LLoyd Carr: But I’m not dead yet.
Lou Holthz: (WHACK)!
Bring out your deaddd…..
by Mr Pelican Pants on Sep 13, 2007 10:12 AM EDT reply actions
as brilliant as the post is, what i find truly gratifying is the short lessen in WWII battles in the comments section – that’s what i love about edsbs…sure, we laugh…but we also learn, and isn’t learning what college athletics is all about anyways?
as for the game this weekend, i’ve found it very hard to get excited about it, and i’m not one to be short on hate towards michigan – but getting excited about this game is like getting excited about going to hump a fat parapeligic on the same day you have a vicious herpes & genital warts outbreak (the dual threat, like jake locker) – it’s just bad all the way around for everyone involved
by okiedomer on Sep 13, 2007 10:21 AM EDT reply actions
@46
Pedantic, obscure history lesson AND a Wesley Willis reference all in one comment.
+100 cocktails to you, sire.
by Dave on Sep 13, 2007 10:52 AM EDT reply actions
dee-lux, son, dee-lux.
i’m going to have to go with my second-string worker for the second half of the day after laughing myself onto injured reserve…
by buttered cornhole on Sep 13, 2007 12:18 PM EDT reply actions
Brilliant! Although Holtz would probably say colored instead of negro.
Oh, and happy Rosh Hashanah to all the Notre Dame folks!
by Nupe in Va on Sep 13, 2007 12:34 PM EDT reply actions
How did you forget the drummer? Or maybe, it was the “Negro Drummer”. :)
by AUGrad on Sep 13, 2007 12:36 PM EDT reply actions
#60: but at the Battle of the Hydaspes River….eh fuckitall. Are you really suggesting that with a correct historical reference, the insanity suddenly falls away? I know not much, but I know that Bjork’s blowjobs are just as weird as her singing, I know Tom Green wants his other testicle from the jar on your mantle, and I know Orson’s outstanding line took its power from “with hate for fuel”. Thanks though!
- thanks! i dig your blog.
GO JACKETS, BEAT BC
by Nick Black on Sep 13, 2007 1:13 PM EDT reply actions
This written piece and Charley Steiner’s “Follow Me to Freedom” Y2K commercial are enough motivation to win a war. Any war. Ok, maybe not any war, but the Burma camapaign nonetheless.
by The 17th Goat on Sep 13, 2007 2:51 PM EDT reply actions
Nick—
We would like one point to be clear here: we know our battle of Kohima-Imphal, baby.
by Orson Swindle on Sep 13, 2007 2:53 PM EDT reply actions
Holy shnikes! Lou Holtz picked florida to win — guess Holly is going to be the happy one on sunday morning.
Lou’s pep talks are the new kiss of death given Michigan’s performance — there goes the huskers’ chances….
by purpleheart on Sep 13, 2007 9:40 PM EDT reply actions
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