MEMO: TO MICHIGAN FANS
Dear Michigan fans,
We have no words of comfort. For comfort, go to mom, or better yet, Oprah. Or better yet, fire your motherfucking coach once the nadir turns into the midpoint when you lose to Michigan State by thirty, or (Jebus forbid!) Notre Dame next week, or to whomever else would snap the creaky back of the Carr Administration at this point. You’ll still suck, but you’ll have cut off someone’s head–and coachblood makes the wounded fan’s heart sing every time.
Instead of comfort, we focus on one seemingly cosmetic but terribly important thing. We watched the Oregon game, hoping to be that Oprah type person: rooting for the downtrodden, pulling for the wounded little meerkat, you know, falling prey to our national genetic predilection for the underdog/comeback kid. And for an instant we were there, until we saw this:
!!!!
This would be less appalling if it were alumni…but STUDENTS JINGLING KEYS? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Young, healthy people with clean, fully-functioning lungs JINGLING KEYS TO MAKE NOISE!!!! My god, why don’t you hire Salvadorans to come yell for you? Or better still, they could just come in and cheer for you while you watch the game in the parking lot in peace and quiet and save you the trouble of screaming “DOWN IN FRONT!!!” (Because that would hurt your lungs, wouldn’t it?)
Yes, this is coming from a boorish, decorum-free SEC fan whose fellow fans bring cowbells to games and set off seismometers at the geology department during games in between handing out sociology and leisure management degrees to illiterate, well-muscled athletes. It is also directed at a school in a conference where some schools actually cheer their asses off and force teams into penalties with crowd noise. And some Michigan fans have been railing about this for way, way longer than we have.
Don’t blame the architecture either. Instead, scream. At this point, you should be screaming, anyway. Who cares if it’s at your coach? Notre Dame doesn’t have to know that. This is football. Blood. Screaming. Tribal violence. Bizarre rites and rituals. Put away the keys. Pick up the torches. Less Roman, more Vandal, dammit!
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51
GainesvilleRamblings says:
I know I’ve pulled out the keys a few times in the Swamp, but only under these very specific conditions:
1) It is a non-patsy game
2) You are sitting near the away team’s section
3) There are less than three minutes left in the game
4) The score is not close
I always thought of it as a way to taunt the fans and telling them to have a nice drive home as they hold their asses, which have just been raped. Doing it to FSU fans two years ago was, well, awesome. Cause I hate all of them. Even my sister, who will be going there.
September 10th, 2007 at 1:25 pm
52
R.D. Baker - Retired Blogger says:
Texas Tech key-jingles on opposition third downs… go figure
September 10th, 2007 at 1:25 pm
53
Stacy Keibler Luvs Me says:
46 – You are right on about the Bataan thing. Sometimes I write these things too quickly without proper editing. But, as the old George Carlin comedy bit about football vs baseball, football is just plain full of war like verbiage – > Blitz, Bombs, blah, blah, blah…..
September 10th, 2007 at 1:27 pm
54
Disgruntled Goat says:
I’ll gladly take the burning dumpsters if it means that we’re screaming to the point of hoarseness and embarassment. This is college football, not polo.
September 10th, 2007 at 1:27 pm
55
shovel pass says:
Am I the only one who thinks the fans down on the Plains are really glad Michigan and ND are catching all the heat? If not them, would Auburn not be the story of the week?
September 10th, 2007 at 1:32 pm
56
Stacy Keibler Luvs Me says:
LSU Joshua: here is the George Carlin “football vs. baseball” comedy gem, with the best part at the 4.00 minute mark:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YphEUa5LPjM
September 10th, 2007 at 1:34 pm
57
Beast44 says:
I was at the Michigan-Oregon game this past weekend – my first trip into a Big Ten stadium if you don’t count Notre Dame – and it was sad watching the key thing. Growing up in SEC country and a grad of an ACC school, I don’t get the whole “I’m not going to yell” thing. What are people worried about, ruining their vocal chords? That’s what the massive amount of tailgate beer is for.
BTW, if there are any UM business school peeps out there reading this, The Bus is better than advertised. Well done, my friends.
September 10th, 2007 at 1:35 pm
58
John says:
22,
He’ll be doing USC vs. Nebraska, a game that actually matters.
September 10th, 2007 at 1:38 pm
59
Sabanite says:
The
September 10th, 2007 at 1:41 pm
60
Nic says:
Well, when we beat teams, we don’t jingle keys. We dont jingle keys at anytime.
We go the honest route and say
‘We just beat the hell outta you. Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer give em hell Alabama”
September 10th, 2007 at 1:43 pm
61
Sabanite says:
Post should have read:
The only time an SEC fan should take out his keys on a fall Saturday is to hand them to (1) a hot sober coed for a ride home or (2) a cop.
September 10th, 2007 at 1:46 pm
62
Milrey says:
Iowa does the key jingle during kickoffs. I have no idea why, when i was freshman at my first game everyobody in the stadium just pulled out their kicks for the kick off, so i joined in. Isn’t that how the holocaust happened?
I love going to games at Kinnick, fantastic gameday experience, and 73,000 iowans totally invested in their team because there’s nothing else to invest in.
For some reason, towards the end of the 90’s and into present day, we’ve adopted the gator chomp on fourth downs while the band plays the Imperial March from Star Wars. I don’t know why, and i don’t know what we call it, but its pretty freaking stupid.
September 10th, 2007 at 1:47 pm
63
Scalz1 says:
Star Wars isn’t stupid. People who don’t get Star Wars are stupid.
September 10th, 2007 at 1:50 pm
64
PJ from NU in SF says:
I do not understand the hate. At early ’80s Northwestern, we jingled keys at kickoffs. No significance was applied, as I recall, it was just a way to make some noise without being cow-college obnoxious.
September 10th, 2007 at 1:55 pm
65
matty blue says:
40 – “school hasn’t started yet.”
…and when it has, you be sure to tell us all. it’s been…what…137 years?
…and it’s DEFINITELY a “key play” thing, not, as suggested, a “enjoy your drive home” thing. although that’s pretty funny. in our case, this week, it was our fans getting their keys out to get the hell out of there, and early. which was absolutely shameful – you could see huge swaths of empty seats on the broadcast by early in the fourth quarter. i hate our fans.
i think it’s become a lot less common than it used to be, for what it’s worth.
September 10th, 2007 at 1:56 pm
66
Run Up The Score says:
// I love going to games at Kinnick, fantastic gameday experience, and 73,000 iowans totally invested in their team because there’s nothing else to invest in. //
Oh, that’s right. Food stamps are free.
(ba-dum-psh!)
September 10th, 2007 at 2:13 pm
67
Dave says:
I left the game at halftime. Reasons:
1) I had beer at home.
2) I preferred to see Notre Dame lose.
3) It’s not enjoyable watching the equivalent of a cute little puppy you love getting kicked to death. By a duck.
I’m not any less of a fan. I lasted longer than our team did.
September 10th, 2007 at 2:13 pm
68
Nic says:
Northwestern has a football team? I just thought that’s where all the ’smart’ sportswriters went and they just rooted for Notre Dame because there were no athletic people at Northwestern…which explains why Notre Dame can win 8 games a year against Army and go to a BCS bowl. Is this a new thing NW is trying?
September 10th, 2007 at 2:22 pm
69
Domer Guy says:
If beating Army = 8 wins, is it too late to get them on the schedule again this year? Pretty please?
September 10th, 2007 at 2:25 pm
70
Bay Area Bear says:
At Cal games the student section jingles keys only when the Stanford/USC bands play. I was told it was because they were so shitty they should get into their BMWs and drive home. Or that, even though they might lose, they can still get in their fancy cars and drive home.
September 10th, 2007 at 2:29 pm
71
The Last Dragon says:
Jingling keys = gay. Enough said. Shit – I Ieave my keys in the truck so I don’t get too wasted and lose them.
September 10th, 2007 at 2:34 pm
72
matty blue says:
dave, i didn’t question whether you were a fan or not…wait a sec…
fuck that. you call yourself a fan, you stay after fucking halftime. i suspect i sat two rows behind you at the appalachian state game, listening to you slurring your way around know-it-all comments and trying to get yourself noticed by as many people as possible, then turning around and high-fiving all your asshole fraternity friends as we mounted a comeback.
fuck you, and fuck you. don’t come to a game again, i promise you that we won’t miss you.
September 10th, 2007 at 2:47 pm
73
TIGERinATL says:
The K State fans were doing that crap before kickoffs at AU last week. That was the first I had ever heard of it happening. Apparently it is the calling card for fans who don’t know how to behave at a football game.
September 10th, 2007 at 2:49 pm
74
Mo'Cee dranking da fordee says:
#37 – Shit and Syphilis are two of the better things you can get in Columbutt. I don’t know why a bunch of poisonous nuts come on to a kcUF blog after they got their asses handed to them by the Gators, twice. I guess the Michigan fixation has no boundaries.
September 10th, 2007 at 2:51 pm
75
Philly Gator says:
Hmmm, Michigan fans waving their keys. I guess that’s about as original and intimidating as Lloyd’s play calling.
September 10th, 2007 at 2:59 pm
76
Jeff says:
I agree the keys don’t make noise. However, in my opinion the student section always yells at the top of their lungs at the same time. It is the other 80,000 people who just sit there (they NEVER stand up) and don’t yell loudly.
If all Michigan fans were as loud as the students, then the stadium would be deafening. As it is, it’s just a gentle background noise like those waterfall/jungle noises CD’s that old people buy to sleep.
September 10th, 2007 at 2:59 pm
77
1955Gator says:
To all you Key people.
Find a way to Gainesville this Saturday.
Get in the stadium any way you can.
Put your hands over your ears and get ready for college football at it’s most exciting.
As the T-shirt says One voice Saturday, no voice Sunday
September 10th, 2007 at 3:10 pm
78
Aaron says:
When Oregon went for it on forth and goal, the crowd was quiet. Most other stadiums would have been rocking including Autzen or Reser both of then a lot smaller but louder then the 110,000 + Quiet House.
September 10th, 2007 at 3:15 pm
79
Dave says:
Matty Blue,
Not quite. If you’re a student, I’ve probably been going to Michigan games since around the time you were born. Admittedly, I think this is the first time I left a game when we weren’t the ones killing the other team. But this is also the first time I’ve ever seen total, utter embarrassing incompetence at the Big House. It was too painful to watch. Good for you for not turning away from the horror. I guess you have more hair on balls than I do.
September 10th, 2007 at 3:22 pm
80
Chg says:
Re 64, if you are that concerned about being lumped in with the hoi poloi, just skip the football game and support NW tennis.
Besides, at 80’s Nrthwestern you could have probably just spoken to the other team in a normal conversational tone.
Some NW modification of a typical Big Ten rallying cry like, ‘I say old chap, despite the rather brutal beating you are putting upon my beloved alma mater, it appears your players’ average SAT score is quite lower than our’s. I daresay, the rapscallions appear quite incapable of general employment, aside from the millions they will earn before age 30 from playing this savage game much better than those representing my university.’
Tough to chant, but I’m sure a NW student could figure out a way to get all thirty people in the student section on the same page.
September 10th, 2007 at 3:36 pm
81
Rival says:
Virginia Tech did the jingling keys thing at the Chick-fil-A Bowl last year.
I didn’t understand it.
The VaTech girl in front of me was mortified when her VW keys were melted by my roaring, Jack Daniels fueled SEC rage breath.
September 10th, 2007 at 3:50 pm
82
Joe says:
#75, I agree. The student section yells at the same time. Well, the part of the student section that aren’t stupid sorority girls on their cell phones, foreign students who have no idea what’s going on, engineers that are worried about getting back to their homework, frat boys planning their foam party for later, or the other 1/4 of the section that is just entirely apathetic about the game. I’m really sick of trying to defend Michigan fans, because most of us don’t deserve it. The loudest that stadium has been in the last 5 years was when there were 75-80k people in it and Braylon decided he wanted to beat State. That should tell you everything you need to know about the crowd.
September 10th, 2007 at 3:56 pm
83
Edsall is God says:
78 – “The VaTech girl in front of me was mortified when her VW keys were melted by my roaring, Jack Daniels fueled SEC rage breath.”
That’s a fantastic line. At UConn games, we spit hot, Bud Light-fueled fire when we chant “Stick It In!” when we get in the redzone. An old UConn woman (clearly the ‘I love women’s basketball’) said that was a disgusting thing to chant. My friend just screamed it as loud as he could about two inches from my ear while my Dad realized that getting season tickets with me & 4 of my 20-something friends was a bad, bad, super fantastic idea.
September 10th, 2007 at 4:10 pm
84
Dave says:
Yes, dadgummit, and I was at that Braylon vs. Sparty 2004 OT-fest. It was awesome, even though I froze my ass off sans jacket.
September 10th, 2007 at 4:15 pm
85
peterpancomplex says:
#46…
As the grandson of a man who spent over a year in Japanese prisons during WW2…
SHUT THE **** UP!
That shit was more than 6 decades ago. If he was still alive, even my grandfather would tell you to go play in traffic. Honestly, pulling “sore subject” on something you weren’t alive for and could not possibly understand…
Douche!
September 10th, 2007 at 4:34 pm
86
Yinka Double Dare says:
The strange part is the student section is tame (as student sections go) for football, but is raucous and vulgar for hockey to the point that the CCHA threatened to call penalties on Michigan for it while I was there. It probably doesn’t help that the juniors and seniors who had season tickets every year end up right behind the opposing bench. A friend of mine had the seat right on the glass and right next to the visitors bench. He had one guy trying to climb over the glass to fight him, and at least one player douse him with a water bottle.
That student section would occasionally chant “Start up the bus” after a 2 game home sweep, or the more rarely used but way funnier “GO STAHT THE CAH” if they were winning a home game against BC, BU, N’Eastern or Harvard. But I don’t remember keys. Just a lot of noise and expletives.
But yeah, around half the student section inhabitants are pretty weak on making noise, and it seems those are the ones that later get season tickets and populate the rest of the stadium.
September 10th, 2007 at 5:20 pm
87
cookie puss says:
In defense of Michigan, most of the games are at noon (the stadium doesn’t have lights), and it’s usually fucking cold and miserable out. Getting hungover, freezing college kids to do ANYTHING at noon on a Saturday with no alcohol involved is not an easy task. It’s amazing they even fill the place up. You think it’s a coincidence all of the Penn State “white outs” are at night?
And yeah…the stadium design or something. Whatever.
September 10th, 2007 at 5:49 pm
88
PJ from NU in SF says:
I must have hit some nerves, because nos. 68 and 80 would have put me in my place, if I’d seen them around here before today.
#68: Does that houndstooth pantiliner itch much?
We started playing football well before you did. Seems to me ‘Bama went coed about the time it organized a football team. Coincidence? I think not. Except from a gossip perspective, NU has been a lot more interesting to watch in the last 15 years than your team’s tired-ass shit.
FWIW to #80: (1) I’m a proud graduate of Michigan public schools. Knowing who my father was doesn’t make me a snob. (2) “The hoi polloi” is redundant. (3) That chant translates to “That’s all right, that’s OK, you’re going to work for us some day.” (4) Our student section looks a little light because… well, classes don’t begin for two more weeks. The only people on campus right now are ballers, bandies and cheerleaders, with a few frat boys around to keep things lively. Unlike state schools, our stadium is six-seven times the size of the student body, and if one of our athletes doesn’t graduate, it’s news.
When SKLM gives me shit, I listen. You guys, not so much.
September 10th, 2007 at 6:01 pm
89
Der Schatten says:
Very nice, PJ but, ummm Penn State graduates more than you do…thanks for playing.
http://www.pittsburghlive.com/x/pittsburghtrib/sports/college/s_481980.html
In fairness, you did finish second in the Big Televen. But, having also attended a quasi-Ivy, you and I damned sure know that schools like NW aren’t failing anyone.
September 10th, 2007 at 6:42 pm
90
PJ from NU in SF says:
#88, congratulations. I mean that sincerely, because I respect Penn State, even if it belongs in the Big East. But I wasn’t talking to you, and pulling out one year’s rate for football doesn’t tell the rest of the story, does it?
I’m walking proof that NU flunks people whenever they deserve it. Even its cupcake majors require genuine effort. I understand grade inflation is a bigger problem now than it was in my day, but I also know the profs take their responsibilties seriously.
September 10th, 2007 at 7:18 pm
91
Jeff from LA says:
I only agree with the keys coming out when the game is a monstrous blow-out, and you are telling the other team (and its fans) that its just time to get into their vehicles and head home. I think I saw it once at the USC-UCLA game when we were up 66-19, and may have seen it at another huge blowout, (Arkansas ?), but I think those are the only times when its appropriate. And I can NEVER imagine taking out the keys when you are LOSING.
September 10th, 2007 at 7:44 pm
92
Flop says:
I seem to recall jingling keys AND screaming my head off. But apparently that’s tougher than rubbing ones stomach and patting ones head.
Although, to be fair, I hurt my larynx much more often at hockey games.
September 10th, 2007 at 7:46 pm
93
Bill in Birmingham says:
One of my best friends who regularly takes me to Auburn games wants me to reciprocate and take him to Ann Arbor and I’ll have to intoduce him to key shaking. I love my alma mater and team (even when they suck), but key shaking? Help me Lord.
September 10th, 2007 at 7:54 pm
94
Pants McPants says:
Bravo, #74, Bra-freaking-vo…
I don’t even know where to begin…I mean, the way you took “Columbus” and switched it to “Columbutt”?!!! Oh,man, is my face red. I got nothing for smack like that…
And the way you refer to EDBS as a Florida blog, no kidding, why would OSU fans go anywhere like that? No other schools’ fans would go to a place like that. Crazy…But you didn’t evven say “Florida”, you used the “UF” and put a “kc” in front of it. OH MY GOD, IT FREAKING SPELLS FUCK BACKWARDS!!! I just got that. Holy crap. “Fuck”. Just brilliant…”Fuck”….
Even your handle “Mo Cee something something fordee” evidently referring to the timely topic of Maurice Clarett, last seen on the field in the 2002 season, and his propensity for alcoholic beverages…Even though it was well publicized he had Grey Goose in his vehicle when busted….But that doesn’t rhyme…
All in all, your post is some kind of superawesomeness…Like regular awesomeness, but with a snake tattoo…And the snake is wrapped around a dagger that has an imprint of an even meaner looking snake on it…
That’s the kind of superawesomeness I’m talking about…
September 10th, 2007 at 8:00 pm
95
Jorgé the Bass Player says:
#48- Really, most tOSU folk are complete fucks. I am, too, but not when it comes to CFB.
Cute Bunny Abortions? Yeah, I’m a fuck.
September 10th, 2007 at 8:33 pm
96
Mike says:
#87: Not true. Most Penn State home games (if not all of them by this point) call for white-outs in the student section, regardless of kickoff time. In fact, many students camp out for days to get good seats for the game, and State College can get very cold in the fall, too.
I attended a game in Ann Arbor two years ago, and given all of Michigan’s bragging about its unmatched tradition and number of victories, the relative quiet in their stadium — the nation’s largest, mind you — cannot be defended.
September 10th, 2007 at 11:37 pm
97
RIP Logan Young says:
#88
What a dipshit.
September 11th, 2007 at 6:56 am
98
Nic says:
Awww…listen to the poor northwestern guy. He’s trying to play too…like his football team has ever been relevant. Isn’t that cute?
September 11th, 2007 at 9:03 am
99
PJ from NU in SF says:
#97 & 98 – You Bamaboys react because you know I’m right, and it scares you.
September 11th, 2007 at 10:44 am
100
Nic says:
Here is what you fail to leave out, Northwestern is completely fucking irrelevent. I’m not sure that you’ve ever won the big 10 title, and the only time you’ve had a national sports headline is when your coach died while he was still coach. THATS IT. Your football team is a joke. You throw them a parade if they make a bowl game. We’ll be sure to call you though if we need a biography written or something like that.
September 11th, 2007 at 12:11 pm