The list of players openly admitting to being injured has swelled in the leadup to week three.

Perhaps you need to see Dr. Spaceman–pronounced “spa-CHE-mun.”

Andre “Bubba” Caldwell, Florida WR. A sprained MCL keeping him most definitely from the Tennessee game and possibly from a visit to Ole Miss. Hits Florida at receiver, a deep bit of the roster. Caldwell does have the best proven hands on the team, though, and is nicknamed “Bubba,” which instantly makes a team better.

Florida fan, you should be… wondering if the unsettling feeling in your stomach is unease due to Caldwell’s absence, or just a bad ham sandwich doing a doubletime forced march through your stomach.

Chad Henne, Michigan QB. Out with “a lower leg injury,” which for a Lloyd Carr team is practically a soul-baring divulging of information about players. Henne had been mediocre at best in the first two games of the season. He was replaced in the Oregon game by freshman Ryan Mallett, who earned effusive praise from lineman Jake Long: “It’s kind of like he’s a redshirt freshman.”

Michigan fans should……begin drinking heavily. You were going to do that anyway, but we feel inclined to say it anyway.

Arkansas WR Marcus Monk. It’s not like Arkansas really wants to pass anyway, but when they do, it goes here. Monk, a 6′6″ receiver who’s a nightmare on fly patterns, had his knee scoped for the second time in August and won’t start against Alabama.

Arkansas fans should……be prepared to see eight in the box all day with little hope of being able to counter it by lobbing fly balls to Monk. Not that you’ll see many passes, anyway. But now you won’t see many down the field with active, possible prayers attached to them.

Gus Mustakas, Pitt DL. Pitt’s top defensive lineman blows his ACL. Chas notes not only how much this sucks, but sucks in a teamwide pattern of widespread injuries.

Pitt fans should……not think about the fact that Mark Dantonio of Michigan State will throw Jehuu Caulcrick right up the middle against them next week. Nah, don’t think about that all. Hey, have you watched Meerkat Manor? Go do that instead.

Hugh Charles, RB, Colorado.…returns! We end on high note because we’re reaffirming like that. Charles is coming back from a strained hamstring, and should be ready for one of the season’s oddest matchups, Florida State v. Colorado in Boulder. Have we told you how good that tie looks on you? We should.

Colorado fans should……be quite happy: the offense struggled against ASU and ended up with a meager 39 yards on the ground. Also, FSU can’t possible acclimatize in time, meaning you’ll have a woozy Drew Weatherford on your hands. Please mop up the drool underneath defensive coordinator Ron Collins’ mouth before you leave.

…and so is his friend. Again, athletic directors of the world, please continue to NOT look at Facebook. Sean Glennon had a very, very rough night against LSU, getting pulled in the first half after Glenn Dorsey et. al chased him until he was sick.

If Glennon felt like puking afterwards, we guess he can handle it, as he demonstrates proper form in how to clear out the old upper alimentary canal in the photo below. (And that’s what he’s doing–fingers down throat, not a gun, and don’t even get sanctimonious about a possible association with Virginia Tech, guns, blah blah blah. Girl’s hurling, he’s putting fingers down throat. End of story and save the emails.)

Pretty much how one should feel after getting hit by the LSU defense.

Glennon is 21, so he’s entitled to get as soused as he likes, especially on spring break, the only thing that could explain a tan like that–your skin will only turn that color when alcohol meets sunlight through the medium of your flesh. (HT: Josh.)

Orson’s Buys:

BUY! BUY! BUY!

Cincinnati: Budding Big East Bantam Bumps Beavers Brutally! The Bearcats benefitted immensely from OSU ineptitude at quarterback on and special teams, blocking punts and intercepting the two-headed mufflebuzz that is their quarterback. Brian Kelly may have installed the spread at Cincy, but that’s not what should attract the eye from their defeat of Oregon State–what should is the line for OSU’s beastly running back Yvenson Bernard, a measly 16 carries for 30 yards. Cincinnati in two games has displayed something the glamboy frontrunners in the Big East haven’t: a defense. Show a knife in act one, someone’s getting stabbed in act three–just like Rutgers did last year against the Bearcats.

They’re entering a three game span featuring Miami of Ohio, Marshall, and San Diego State. They should be 5-0 going into their game with Rutgers, and should make the Scarlet Knights do something they won’t have to do until that game: do something other than bludgeon people to bits with Ray Rice.

LSU The horrifying thing about their mangling of Virginia Tech was their offensive performance: balanced to the point of obscenity (301/297 passing/rushing,) productive, consistent, and so multiform it could have been designed by an IKEA engineer.
(Look! It’s a table! It’s a desk! It’s a hedge trimmer! It fits in 435 square feet!) (more…)

Dear Michigan fans,

We have no words of comfort. For comfort, go to mom, or better yet, Oprah. Or better yet, fire your motherfucking coach once the nadir turns into the midpoint when you lose to Michigan State by thirty, or (Jebus forbid!) Notre Dame next week, or to whomever else would snap the creaky back of the Carr Administration at this point. You’ll still suck, but you’ll have cut off someone’s head–and coachblood makes the wounded fan’s heart sing every time.

Instead of comfort, we focus on one seemingly cosmetic but terribly important thing. We watched the Oregon game, hoping to be that Oprah type person: rooting for the downtrodden, pulling for the wounded little meerkat, you know, falling prey to our national genetic predilection for the underdog/comeback kid. And for an instant we were there, until we saw this:

!!!!

This would be less appalling if it were alumni…but STUDENTS JINGLING KEYS? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Young, healthy people with clean, fully-functioning lungs JINGLING KEYS TO MAKE NOISE!!!! My god, why don’t you hire Salvadorans to come yell for you? Or better still, they could just come in and cheer for you while you watch the game in the parking lot in peace and quiet and save you the trouble of screaming “DOWN IN FRONT!!!” (Because that would hurt your lungs, wouldn’t it?)

Yes, this is coming from a boorish, decorum-free SEC fan whose fellow fans bring cowbells to games and set off seismometers at the geology department during games in between handing out sociology and leisure management degrees to illiterate, well-muscled athletes. It is also directed at a school in a conference where some schools actually cheer their asses off and force teams into penalties with crowd noise. And some Michigan fans have been railing about this for way, way longer than we have.

Don’t blame the architecture either. Instead, scream. At this point, you should be screaming, anyway. Who cares if it’s at your coach? Notre Dame doesn’t have to know that. This is football. Blood. Screaming. Tribal violence. Bizarre rites and rituals. Put away the keys. Pick up the torches. Less Roman, more Vandal, dammit!

Holly from Ladies…comes over to begin the 96-Hour Hate right: by engaging in redneck death threats with us. (She had the misfortune of attending the University of Tennessee and rooting for its despicable, shitty football team.) Enjoy. Play the David Cross for appropriate soundtrackage.

MP3 File

OS: Torture, motherfucker. Go

Holly: I will fasten you to the front of a train leaving Chicago at 55 mph at noon heading towards another train leaving Boston at 75 mph at 3 PM.

Try and resist its call, Vol fan.

OS: I will hand you a packet of silica gel that does not say “DO NOT EAT.” You will then eat it because these are irresistable to people.

Holly: I will send you quail hunting with Anthony Morelli. And employ you as Michael Henig’s Lovely Assistant during his twilight career as a traveling magician.

OS: I will give you a tapeworm and transfer your job to a town without buffet-style family eateries.

Holly: AAAAAHHH I WAS JUST TYPING THIS: “All I have so far is “I will chain you to the door of a crowded Golden Corral, stick my head in the door, and yell “SOMEBODY’S KEYIN’ A TRUCK!” (more…)