WEEKEND BY THE BOTTLE, PER YOUR SOMMELIER
by Orson on Sep 7, 2007 2:55 PM EDT
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Glug 'n football The match between football and beverages goes back as far as time immemorial, or at least to the first college football game, which as we all know was on September 8, 1990, when Florida beat Oklahoma State 50-7 in Steve Spurrier's first game. At that game fans brought beer, whiskey, vodka, gin, rum, industrial cleansers, Everclear, Drambuie, kerosene, whole jugs of an unidentified liquid found behind Shands Hospital, and quarts of Glug to the game to quench their thirst and foster brotherhood among men and the women who wouldn't sleep with them otherwise. And lo, it worked wonders, and has ever since that fateful day.
Football without alcohol is inconceivable--almost as inconceivable as pairing your upcoming season with the wrong beverage. Like a gourmet meal, your season needs proper accompaniment, not just a haphazard matching with some tooth-eating liquor poured off the crack of a dragon's fiery ass into plastic bottles. (Unless you're Tennessee fans. Then, by all means, proceed with that.) We play sommelier in part one of this potentially repeating bit.
Florida.
Opponent: Troy.
Drink: Cognac.
Glug 'n football Why: 'Cause I see some ladies tonight that should be having my babay. Meaning that the hard stuntin' has been done, and it's hard to stay motivated with all the greenie green of all types we see in this room. Piles of yayo at the airport, straight through customs in that pipeline we worked out. (Stole that from Da U, naturally.)
Our in-state competition's on the rebuild. Trophies? Shinin'.
Oh, sure, other people are pickin' up the slack out there. This is the afterparty though, lawya. We cruisin' for a spell before 2008 rolls around and we have to get all Black Album and comeback mad with y'all. For the moment? Pouring 'yac on the titties and watchin' 'em shine, even as our dbs threaten to give up bombs and cost us three games or so. When you got cheese like this, let the rats nibble once in a while. We got time.
For now, just look at them titties. And think about next week (TENNESSEE BLOODRAGEHATEAARRRRGGHHH!!!), while allowing the Troy Trojans (very imaginative nickname, there) to run up too many yards on our offense, defense (dammit!) keep things maddeningly close with the passing and running of Omar Haugabrook on a young and inexperienced defense in what could, for a few instants in the late first quarter, feel HOT HOT HOT in a way you really, really won't like Florida fans.
Reserve extra cognac, player, just in case you need to light yourself on fire after Kyle Jackson takes a bad angle and allows a long touchdown to make things too close. FSU had to sweat blood through a 24-17 game with Troy last year. Being drunker than Ludacris on NBA All-Star Weekend can only help ease the pain, as well as slow down your ability to process the ugly information your eyes will be sending to your brain. Cognac makes the ugly go away in all facets of life, football included.
Yes. Thinking bout 'them titties indeed.
Syracuse.
Glug 'n football Drink: Industrial solvent 3110.
Why: Because it will your eyes on contact, provided you mix a heaping cupful in a quart of water.
Yet this will not be enough for you, Syracuse fan. Burning is nothing compared to what your uniform does to your eyes each Saturday, and is a familiar sensation to your offensive line, whose pants are scorched with each play against a semi-competent defense. As it passes the throat, you'll notice the powerful sensation of something very wrong occurring, as if your offense were taking the field to go three and out, as it does on nearly every single possession against all but the most vertigo-stricken of opponents.
Finally, as the corrosive solvent begins to eat through your stomach and into your intestines, you'll reach shock, a place not unlike the atmosphere in the third quarter of most games in the Carrier Dome, where you watch WVU, Louisville, Pitt (even Pitt, my God!) and other teams who chose coaches more wisely than you outpace you in the Big East.
Even pedestrian Iowa, fresh off scoring 16 points on NIU last week, could run up thirty, dare we say forty points on you this week. If you run out of your stock of corrosive solvents, check nearby barns for pesticides. They'll have the same desirable effect, though with the grassy tang you've come to know after years of drinking anything at arm's reach to dull the pain of your football program.
Notre Dame.
Drink: Appletini.
OOO so heartbroken sensitive and smart but not threatening!Why: It's green. It's cliched no matter how ironically you serve it, or how sincere you may be in your love for it--it's still an appletini, and thus mockable. And it's a drink that comes with low expectations no matter how ironically your order it, too, an appropriate point of sympathy with the humble fare for the Irish in '07.
It also, as Notre Dame should be in a week and a half against Michigan, be on the pointy end of a nastily sharp transitive property stick when they lose to the Wolverines, meaning they, too, lost to Appalachian State, henceforth referred to as "Transitive Property Herpes."
Proposed:
Appalachian State>Michigan>Notre Dame>The next poor group of souls in this horrific equation.
Cluster studies from patient Zero--Michigan--will follow.
Additionally, you lose whenever you are associated with Voice of a Generation Zack "I Am The Voice Of Your Heartbroken Generation" Braff, whose character downs only appletinis on Scrubs. However, no drink can compare in suitability to the 'tini for ND's purposes: tart enough to cut through the fatty cream sauces of defeat you'll down against USC, but could also have a dessert wine effect during the cupcake course of Air Force, Duke and Stanford. A versatile accompaniment to a diverse, challenging menu, and will ease the cheeks up for the difficult power bottom role ND's likely to get over the next few weeks until they get some legitimate work doing commercials or underwear modeling, you know?
It remains a fact that you must play Penn State, and you must lose, save for a regression of Anthony Morelli that would require severe brain damage to the Penn State qb. Tom Zbikowski, your mission has become clearer than ever.
USC
Diet tonic, please. Drink: Tanqueray and Diet Tonic.
Opponent: The winless and undefeated bye.
Why: Because Tony Sinclair and his ambiguously sexual man-aura demand it: gin and tonic is the new vodka tonic, though go diet because with skinny jeans still not dropping of the map, you don't want to get meringue effect 'round the old waistline, porky! JUST KIDDING OMG!!! Get the new Maroon 5. It's got this electro-anal-glam ABBA-meets-Stevie-Wonder in an roller rink wearing short shorts feel to it.
Seriously. We're offsies this week, but who's going to beat us? Oregon? Please. Day-glo hos. Washington? Bitches. UCLA? Luckster poor public school types. Cal? Hippies smell. Notre Dame? They lost to lumpendork Techies, for chrissakes.( Check my Facebook page for some ripping pics of Evan Sharpley eating turf, btw, along with my tight picks of me standing next to Kim Kardashian! Bitch. Is. Hot.)
Our superiority is as obvious as the fizzies in my glass. Which needs refilling, prole. BOOTY FOR HEISMAN!!! (Drops pants, reveals "BOOTY" painted on waxed, flawless ass.)
Texas Christian University.
Don't ask! Drink!Drink: Stuff.
Opponent: Texas.
Nerves? Again? For our fourth...fifth...whatever it is game where you're supposed to be the giant killer? The BCS buster? David gone Goliath? What's in that bottle over there? Fuck it. (Gulp.) And that one, too. Drink 'em both. That smell? It's ether. Never mind if the window's closed--it's supposed to be, dammit.
Was that Murphy's Wood Soap, you ask? Whatever, you'll sweat it out in a fine, flawless sheen that will make your skin resemble a well-buffed row of mahogany church pews. Drink this, too. It's liquid PCP. You'll be exquisitely violent, or just stare at the sun masturbating until your eyes burn out and your hand cramps into a palsied, useless claw. Either way it's great tv.
Taste that? (gulp.) They don't make liquor like that anymore these days, son. That's because it's not liquor. It's mustard gas. Breathe it in just before the play, rush in as a substitute, and breathe it into Colt McCoy's face. It'll tickle a little, but champions push through times like that for the greater good.
Mustard gas? Did I say mustard gas? Just kidding. It's actually Sarin nerve gas. Should kill him dead. You? You'll be fine.
Roll up your sleeve. What's in there? Who the hell knows. We bought it in Tiujuana and tested it on two chicken. One chicken is now captaining the U.S.S. Nimitz, has six mistresses in Martinique, and can hump a hole in a kevlar vest in eight seconds. The other's dead.
Questions! Again, there's no time for questions! Just stick out your arm. The Longhorns are coming, and you're o-fer on the whole BCS-buster thing that journos have saddled you with for three years running. Go out there and kill someone, Frog. It's time. And if you take all of this shit...well, there's no question. Don't worry about killing someone, kid.
Because on all this stuff you're totally killing someone tomorrow.
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It always feels like burning when Orson channels Hunter Thompson writing Mad Libs.
by Kenny on Sep 7, 2007 3:11 PM EDT reply actions
Funny you should mention it, I’m drinking a gin and tonic in my cubicle, observing Pants-free Friday. Only way I can get some peace and quiet on a Friday, I find.
by DC Trojan on Sep 7, 2007 3:12 PM EDT reply actions
Shit, i thought you going to write about tenticle sex.
by blazin on Sep 7, 2007 3:16 PM EDT reply actions
We’re really jacked up about this bye week.
by The Humanitarian on Sep 7, 2007 3:18 PM EDT reply actions
We’ve all seen the various ‘Teams as Simpsons/South Park/Etc characters’, but someone could get great mileage out of doing a full write up on alcohol and college teams. Actually, I think I’ll do that this weekend, provided there are 119 commercial breaks.
by Will on Sep 7, 2007 3:20 PM EDT reply actions
with miami coming into norman tomorrow, i’m on day three of a cocaine and rum binge, though i can’t seem to find my backup 8-ball…perhaps i left it on the trunk
on the trunk? on the trunk
by okiedomer on Sep 7, 2007 3:23 PM EDT reply actions
For the record it is Bombay Sapphire gin at USC – at least in my glass. Tanq is a rather a common gin don’t you think?
BTW, do they really make a “diet” tonic? If so perhaps that is why I don’t have any skinny jeans.
by Rex Cramer on Sep 7, 2007 3:24 PM EDT reply actions
“Get the new Maroon 5. It’s got this electro-anal-glam ABBA-meets-Stevie-Wonder in an roller rink wearing short shorts feel to it.”
—That rocked my face
Kan I hass bunda puleese? okaethxbiebie!!
by Hook'em Tide on Sep 7, 2007 3:28 PM EDT reply actions
I’d like to argue the appletini…but right now it fits… and hurts… hold me Turk.
I’d still hit Elliot though….
by Whitey on Sep 7, 2007 3:30 PM EDT reply actions
Pre-emptive font on:
I guess Ohio State’s drink could be Red Bull and vodka, because after the game, those objects are not going to burn and vandalize themselves…“wings”, man…
Font off
by Pants McPants on Sep 7, 2007 3:32 PM EDT reply actions
Tanq is a rather a common gin don’t you think?
Neither good nor cheap, Rex, Gordon’s is perfectly adequate for gin and tonic. Sapphire’s for martinis – real martinis, that is, where the vermouth keeps its fucking mouth shut and stays on the shelf.
by DC Trojan on Sep 7, 2007 3:34 PM EDT reply actions
Hell, Whitey, you’ve hit Elliot, Tara Reid, Christa Miller, and Elizabeth OMGILVHR4VR Banks….gotta give you props for that….
Just please stop making movies….please…
by Pants McPants on Sep 7, 2007 3:35 PM EDT reply actions
Is there a never-as-good-as-advertised liquor that finishes poorly? Because that would be Michigan.
Sigh.
by ChicaGoBlue on Sep 7, 2007 3:35 PM EDT reply actions
what does one dronk with cheesecake?
Speaking of which, WHERE THE HELL IS IT?
by TIGERinATL on Sep 7, 2007 3:36 PM EDT reply actions
Tanqueray and diet tonic? Only if you’re serving it with ice cubes that don’t melt because it will take a while to get it down. Though, at least the horrible diet version of tonic still contains quinine so you feel like you’re fighting malaria.
by BDoc on Sep 7, 2007 3:43 PM EDT reply actions
Tanq, Bombay, Gordon’s, diet tonic, regular tonic: none of it matters. Throw ice in the glass, drop in the lime, pour in the gin, and then the tonic.
There is no bad g&t. Some are just better than others.
by jebushchrist on Sep 7, 2007 3:50 PM EDT reply actions
Re Syracuse: I have long referred to the more ahem glass-half-empty types at MiamiHawkTalk as the “Drano drinkers.”
Miami plays Syracuse — and gets them in Oxford, OH — in a couple of weeks. I like our chances, as long as the coaching staff can find enough sunglasses for all our DBs.
by DevilGrad on Sep 7, 2007 3:52 PM EDT reply actions
The drink of choice for my Mountaineer brothers (in WVV) is Shine…
Nothing better than a drunk Mountaineer with a loaded musket.
by Hossnfeffer on Sep 7, 2007 3:53 PM EDT reply actions
heh, this USC trojan just sent the ms off for a bottle of rum and various juices. That combined with the painkillers I got from a minor surgery this morning should make for quite a weekend. The bye week helps cut down the chances of me going Keith Moon, so it is a good thing.
by oc phil on Sep 7, 2007 3:57 PM EDT reply actions
“Actually, I think I’ll do that this weekend, provided there are 119 commercial breaks.”
You’re kidding, right? There will be 119 just in the Mich/Ore game. You should be able to get through 1-AA by the end of the ’Zona game.
Oh, and Orson, if Teeebow is God, why will Troy be running up points on your offense?
by PeterPumpkinhead on Sep 7, 2007 3:58 PM EDT reply actions
Agreed on #16. Been rockin the G&T since 11th grade. At Bama, we drink straight shine since we don’t have time for this shit.
by Bama93 on Sep 7, 2007 3:59 PM EDT reply actions
Diet tonic seems to me a venial sin.
Otherwise, I’ll take my G&T, and make it snappy, you plebes.
by Signal to Noise on Sep 7, 2007 4:01 PM EDT reply actions
For now, just look at them titties. And think about next week (TENNESSEE BLOODRAGEHATEAARRRRGGHHH!!!)
staring straight down, instantly soothed
The system works!
by Holly on Sep 7, 2007 4:04 PM EDT reply actions
Tiger, I could be wrong, but I believe cheesecake was just an offseason distraction. (Although, obviously, tittie is not.)
by Ramblin' Jeff on Sep 7, 2007 4:07 PM EDT reply actions
As a Syracuse fan (and proud of it), may I proclaim that there is no such thing as football this year. Basketball practice is only a month away, where the drink of choice is warm beer at the Carrier Dome. (Weeping softly as I type this.)
by Mike on Sep 7, 2007 4:10 PM EDT reply actions
From back in the Atkins days, I still make da bomb G&T with diet tonic and Seagram’s Lime Twisted gin. It’s turned many a non G&T drinkers on to juniper heaven with no hangover!
by tOSU_radar on Sep 7, 2007 4:11 PM EDT reply actions
Anything about liquor > anything about everything else
by CFB Authority on Sep 7, 2007 4:11 PM EDT reply actions
No Jeff, Cheesecake is a tradition… and I mean that in the deep Southern meaning of tradition… like having numbers on Alabama’s helmets or Georgia fans imitating rabid canines… the kind of thing that, if messed with, will result in an incident with a shotgun.
by PeterPumpkinhead on Sep 7, 2007 4:15 PM EDT reply actions
When your tailgate runs out of beer and you only have warm gin to pound, just take a pass. Trust me on this one.
by EvansHall on Sep 7, 2007 4:20 PM EDT reply actions
…..Funny you should mention 1990. That was the year that I broke the ice, and became the first person in my family to GASP get cable TV!!!! The first thing I did was invite all my Auburn friends and family over to have a party and watch Auburn at Florida, on ESPN Prime-time!
…..It was all set up. Auburn was #3 in the nation, and the two ahead, Georgia Tech and Colorado, had lost. I had cases and cases of beer. We were all set to rock and roll back to the top of the CFB world! War Damn Eagle!
…..We all know what happened next. Ye Olde Ball Coach tore a massive first-half, cancerous, 34-7 infected gut-wound into the Pat Dye administration, that we STILL haven’t fully recovered from.
…..I still had beer left after that thing, but the shocked and disgusted crowd drank up all my Wild Turkey, Bacardi 151, Blue-label Smirnoff, Cuervo Gold, and EVEN a nasty old bottle of Usher’s Green Stripe. I was totally out of liquor for the following morning, which was the worst football hangover, ever. A bottle of Nyquil was most unsatisfying…
by Acid Reign on Sep 7, 2007 4:24 PM EDT reply actions
Hmm, GT must have tied, because we never lost that season, just tied UNC.
by Brian on Sep 7, 2007 4:28 PM EDT reply actions
JD was also nailing “Tasty Coma Wife,” on Scrubs, which was hot, except for her snaggletooth.
I hate that show, except that I have probably seen all of them at one time or another since they were put on syndication, and I don’t know why. They would seem to show up on Saturdays around 6PM, in that awkward, post-golf, beach, pool, work, area, but pre-going out time, but I digress…
We, Clemson, will stick with Rebel Yell, for various reasons.
Any Ole Miss fan who calls Rebel Yell should be shot for being too obvious or on the nose.
by Coop on Sep 7, 2007 4:29 PM EDT reply actions
Jebush, you’re right, we should focus on what unites us in the glow of all that is good with gin and tonic.
by DC Trojan on Sep 7, 2007 4:30 PM EDT reply actions
Tech never lost a game that season, barely beat us in Atlanta on a missed Gardocki FG as time ran out, but they did tie Carolina.
This was a Carolina team that came off consecutive 1 win seasons, mind you.
Ironically, the team that tied Tech was somewhat reminicent of the Tech team that tied Notre Dame, and allowed Georgia to leapfrog the Irish, in 1980.
College football, if you give it enough time, is just like a Seinfeld episode, no?
by Coop on Sep 7, 2007 4:32 PM EDT reply actions
gin = horse piss…and i will never be convinced of otherwise.
by gerry dorsey on Sep 7, 2007 4:35 PM EDT reply actions
1. If Zach Braff is the voice of “my generation,” someone please step on his windpipe. (stolen from some website)
2. Lumpendork…Well done.
by robert on Sep 7, 2007 4:36 PM EDT reply actions
I can imagine the loss to a middling Alabama team later in the year didn’t help.
That’s why Gene Stallings is a god. He started out 0-3, lost the starting running back and two receivers, and still beat Tennessee and Auburn. 100 RETRO COCKTAILS.
by Newspaper Hack on Sep 7, 2007 4:37 PM EDT reply actions
Gamecocks drink Evan Williams Green Label because we keep it classy with the plastic bottle.
by robert on Sep 7, 2007 4:38 PM EDT reply actions
@16—- Apparently you’ve never tried Beefeater in a G&T.
by Derrick in SD on Sep 7, 2007 4:40 PM EDT reply actions
What brand of football goes best with that purple drank?
by impirius on Sep 7, 2007 4:45 PM EDT reply actions
gin = horse piss…and i will never be convinced of otherwise.
You, sir, haven’t got a clue. Try a G&T. Try one! Go to a bar this instant and take one. You’ll be immersed in bliss, and as one G&T turns into multiple, you’ll also be shitfaced in no time.
by Oops Pow Surprise on Sep 7, 2007 4:46 PM EDT reply actions
Ah, the noble gin rickey. Pricey, pretentious, and really something back in the Roaring 20s. No better beverage for the ‘Dores as we welcome the Sabans into the World’s Biggest Outdoor Museum-Fundraising Reception.
Begs the question of whether Slick Nick can break the Tide tradition of giving up the Late-Game Backdoor Cover to Vanderbilt, heretofore more reliable than an index fund and more rewarding than bond trading.
by VandyJ on Sep 7, 2007 4:48 PM EDT reply actions
The top teams in the Big East might have a hard time coming up with a suitable drink since nothing alcoholic goes with cupcakes.
by Because They Can on Sep 7, 2007 4:57 PM EDT reply actions
…..I stand corrected on Ga. Tech. It was someone else up there, as I was able to look it up and find that GT did tie NC two weeks before. Colorado did not lose that weekend, either.
…..I knew that Georgia Tech was involved, though, and after digging around, the Jackets did beat unbeaten Virginia that day, 41-38. That was one…
…..And I knew Colorado was involved. They knocked off 8-0 Nebraska, 27-12. I got the winners and losers confused. It was a seriously drunken night, after all!
by Acid Reign on Sep 7, 2007 5:00 PM EDT reply actions
Texas = Crown, neat. ‘cause thats what you’ve been drinking since 7:30 when you met the jackass from dallas that is takin’ your daughter on date. You shook his hand and looked in his eyes and knew exactly what he had planned.
Now you’re up. Waiting. Curfew is midnight and if he
by ged3 on Sep 7, 2007 5:11 PM EDT reply actions
I would just like to point out how much more enjoyable this day has been without a single comment by tOSU_buckeyes.
by Expat Ohioan on Sep 7, 2007 5:18 PM EDT reply actions
Beefeater’s a great value gin for a G&T. Plymouth is my fave, but I’d rather have it tonicless.
With cupcakes: maybe Irish coffee?
by bradluen on Sep 7, 2007 5:26 PM EDT reply actions
Frankly, the next good gin and tonic in a bar I have will be the first. if the “tonic” water is from the soda gun, don’t bother with the tonic and just drink the gin.
Chilled Schweppes tonic water in the 10 oz. glass bottles is the only acceptable way to make a gin and tonic. Trust me, I have gone through several cases this summer.
by WFY on Sep 7, 2007 5:34 PM EDT reply actions
You, sir, haven’t got a clue. Try a G&T. Try one! Go to a bar this instant and take one. You’ll be immersed in bliss, and as one G&T turns into multiple, you’ll also be shitfaced in no time.
i’ve tried it. i hate gin and i hate tonic. bourbon and water for me.
by gerry dorsey on Sep 7, 2007 5:41 PM EDT reply actions
Tonic is liquid shit. It just ruins good alcohol.
by The Last Dragon on Sep 7, 2007 6:05 PM EDT reply actions
There’s two acceptable colors for mixed drinks, or you are a pussy. That’s some form of brown like with bourbon or Crown, or clear. That’s it.
Appletini? Pussy.
Anything red? Big Pussy.
Anything bright blue? Huge pussy.
Anything bright greenish blue? Wynona’s big brown beaver pussy.
by Palouse on Sep 7, 2007 6:16 PM EDT reply actions
Palouse,
Does that also apply to lightsaber colors?
by Orangeblood on Sep 7, 2007 6:20 PM EDT reply actions
#35
Damn right, soulja.
#41
Never tried Beefeater in a g&t? Sheeit, I created it, lawya. Look at the bottle and you’ll see my name on the back.
Recognize.
by jebushchrist on Sep 7, 2007 7:22 PM EDT reply actions
Crown? Blah… real whisky comes from Tennesse or Kentucky
by R.D. Baker - Retired Blogger on Sep 7, 2007 10:34 PM EDT reply actions
#58, hold on now. There’s room in everyone’s life for Knob Creek and the Macallan. No need to whittle the list down to 2 states only.
by DC Trojan on Sep 7, 2007 11:35 PM EDT reply actions
“Tom Zbikowski, your mission has become clearer than ever.”
Amen Brother…
by Turf on Sep 8, 2007 3:15 AM EDT reply actions
#59: Knob Creek is from Kentucky, though you are wise to point out that Scotch is necessary to the conversation. I think a better modification would be “Whisky comes from Kentucky, Tennessee, Scotland, or Ireland (gotta include Jamesons)” or “Whisky does NOT come from Canada”.
by Nate (ltdomer98) on Sep 8, 2007 4:45 AM EDT reply actions
Woo-hoo! We made the blog! YEEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
AND, I have Murphy’s Oil Soap in my kitchen cabinet so that I can polish my rustic New England hardwood floors!
This is a good day…primarily because the game hasn’t started yet.
by Boston Frog on Sep 8, 2007 8:47 AM EDT reply actions
“or just stare at the sun masturbating until your eyes burn out and your hand cramps into a palsied, useless claw”
you have outdone yourself with this one. I have fukin beersnot all over my keyboard now.
by Timugen on Sep 8, 2007 9:23 AM EDT reply actions
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