Hello, Mack Brown here. DEFCON-2, please.

And yes, at least they would have been a D-1 team. Arkansas State’s onside kick apparently recovered by the Indians in the final minute of play against Texas was erroneously overturned, according to Big 12 officials. Texas…making…gambling hand…shaky…even with less than a minute to go the Indians needed heavily improbable things to happen to win. But hearing this must have Longhorns as queasy as when, say, you found out Boris Yelstin once had the nuke box in his hands in 1995. His fat, shaky drunken hands.

What’s up, lawyaz? The Nittany Line has the winner of an in-stadium Penn State rap contest, though after you listen to the results you’ll agree with us that no one wins in a situation like that. Joe Paterno has no idea why that asshole auctioneer wouldn’t recognize his bid–he was practically falling from the pressbox trying to get his attention.

Shotgun? Is that named after when you drink a beer through a hole in the side? THAT’S AWESOME!!! It is mandatory that as an SEC fan, there will be one redneck ne’er-do-well at qb in your conference each year. He shall think the shotgun is named after a beer drinking technique; he shall list his interests on Facebook as “getting hammered,” and “tracking poonasaurus heh heh heh.” He shall step heartily into throws doomed from the first twitch of the eyeball toward the receiver. He shall vomit in public with great frequency and productivity, shocking even circus freaks with their ability to shoot liquid in gouts from his gullet. He shall, from time to time, drive into stationary objects with his or someone else’s car.

In a greater time, men like this were nicknamed “Snake,” “Red,” “Brett Favre,” or “Redsnake.” Now we just call him cracker-ass crackah Blake Mitchell, a walking Saltine of a man, so crackered out is he, who will be the starter at Georgia on Saturday when South Carolina comes to Athens.

Mike Stoops in on the hot seat after game one. The Wildcats lost 20-7 to BYU at home and had 11 first downs to BYU’s 22 in the underwhelming debut of the Texas Tech-style passwacky offense. They did, however, totally drink BYU under the fuckin’ table, brah! HIGH FIVE VERY NICE!!!

Page 2: Funny? The rules of College Football…funny? On Page 2? And we thought we had to drag out the Pete Rock and CL Smooth for Page 2, which at one point was the sharp, pointy end of the spear for internet sportswriting. Ah, fuck it–we’re bringing it out anyway. That sax line’ll be playing in our heads all day at the mere mention of it.