Everyday Should Be Saturday

September 6, 2007

FACEBOOK ADVENTURES, CONT’D: ARIAN FOSTER

This? Slightly liberal.

Marques Slocum laughs at how meek your Facebook entry is, Arian Foster. First, you describe yourself as “into women” and “very liberal.” This makes sense as you’re from California, though you could be referring to your willingness to take two, three, or even four to bed at a time if necessary, or maybe your dong bends way to the left, which is cool because some chicks like their torpedoes twisted, dude. If that’s how we’re determining politics, we’re a Clinton Blair type ourselves–slightly to the left when we’re, um…standing at the podium.

We are impressed with the reading list, though, and the group listing–we’re sending a join request to “TENNESSEE SHOULD HAVE NEVER LET BRENT SCHAEFFER GO.” (So are most Ole Miss fans and Ed Orgeron after watching what they saw last year.) He’s also lists himself as his own employer and The Lion King as his favorite movie.

Click below to see the profile. Again, he’s no Marques Slocum, but his profile is cool enough to makes us want to hang out with him–especially if we get to roll with the “Gibbs Hall N****z.”

(more…)

BLOGTOBERFEST! BURNING CUPCAKE EDITION

Linkwhoring for whores, just the way you like it.

We’ll never look at cupcakes the same way. The freakily creative Joel has his first animated BlogPoll. Michigan fans, you know better than to watch this, but if you must, know that it contains one badass cupcake.

Speaking of… Michigan Zone resets the calendar, while Kenny gives us LOLcat humor pertaining to our dark Lloyd Carr drama.

We wouldn’t want to block her. Holly Mangold, more man than we are right now or will ever be.

Unfair, yes. Funny? Potentially. Log’s Blog has their Reverse Heisman competition “The Lowsman” running, and UVA qb Jameel Sewell earns the nastiest of froth from them:

He was a complete piece of shit against Wyoming. Under 100 yards passing? Fine. Two interceptions? Ok, I can handle it, but -6 yards rushing? You’re a black multi-purpose quarterback Jameel, run you asshole.

Viva hate! It’s unfair, prejudiced, and could be good nasty fun before it’s all over. Michael Henig of Mississippi State is the obvious front-runner thus far.

JoePa gets the Brasky treatment, but at least it occurs at the hands of professionals.

POWER TOWEL WOOOOOOOOO: K-STATE’S HORRIBLE PREGAME VIDEO

Ron Prince is a man with plans. For example, he only recruits running backs who can fit in suitcases, a kind of Kenny Irons in reverse situation. He also likes red post-it notes because they convey urgency.

He’s also been reading up on his Douglas Adams and watching his South Park, because he wants you to remember one simple lesson: bring your towel.

Willie the Wildcat, the worst mascot in America, still appears to be a guy just wearing a head. And not even a proper mascot head, made from synthetic fibers, chicken wire, some felt and a bit of professional stitchwitchery. (more…)

JOE PATERNO’S NEVER HEARD OF YOU

We have a friend who once, in all seriousness, said to us: “What, you’re not into tentacle porn?” This seems like a joke. It wasn’t. At moments like these, you feel a subway car loaded with not one, but hundreds of things you never knew about someone all rushing past you at once.

Pete Thamel’s article on Joe Paterno is such a moment, reader. JoePa’s not into tentacle porn, and we’d bet our right leg on it. In fact, he’s just getting around to M*A*S*H, so anime/hentai pr0n would be well past any potential learning curve we can imagine.

Who is this witty young hipster rapscallion, Sue?

“We discovered ‘M*A*S*H,’ ” Sue Paterno said, laughing. “I had heard about it, but I didn’t know what it was about.”

Sue Paterno has plans, though, for what happens when they get through the piles of Alan Alda smirks on tape. She’s heard of this…other…show…

“They don’t show ‘M*A*S*H’ anymore,” Sue Paterno said. “But we haven’t seen ‘Cheers’ yet. Maybe we’ll find ‘Cheers’ soon.”

WHOOOOOOOOOOSHHHHHH…there’s that subway car we were talking about. Don’t look inside. It’s scarier than you think. Not like Jacob’s Ladder freaky, but more like a subway car full of men wearing spats, ties, and checking out dames while urchins shine their shoes and beg for nickels.

Addendum: Our Samoan lawyer adds the omitted hypothetical absurd quote: “We just turned on the electro-spectrometer and there was a tiny man, speaking to us!”

CURIOUS INDEX, 9/6/07

Hello, Mack Brown here. DEFCON-2, please.

And yes, at least they would have been a D-1 team. Arkansas State’s onside kick apparently recovered by the Indians in the final minute of play against Texas was erroneously overturned, according to Big 12 officials. Texas…making…gambling hand…shaky…even with less than a minute to go the Indians needed heavily improbable things to happen to win. But hearing this must have Longhorns as queasy as when, say, you found out Boris Yelstin once had the nuke box in his hands in 1995. His fat, shaky drunken hands.

What’s up, lawyaz? The Nittany Line has the winner of an in-stadium Penn State rap contest, though after you listen to the results you’ll agree with us that no one wins in a situation like that. Joe Paterno has no idea why that asshole auctioneer wouldn’t recognize his bid–he was practically falling from the pressbox trying to get his attention.

Shotgun? Is that named after when you drink a beer through a hole in the side? THAT’S AWESOME!!! It is mandatory that as an SEC fan, there will be one redneck ne’er-do-well at qb in your conference each year. He shall think the shotgun is named after a beer drinking technique; he shall list his interests on Facebook as “getting hammered,” and “tracking poonasaurus heh heh heh.” He shall step heartily into throws doomed from the first twitch of the eyeball toward the receiver. He shall vomit in public with great frequency and productivity, shocking even circus freaks with their ability to shoot liquid in gouts from his gullet. He shall, from time to time, drive into stationary objects with his or someone else’s car.

In a greater time, men like this were nicknamed “Snake,” “Red,” “Brett Favre,” or “Redsnake.” Now we just call him cracker-ass crackah Blake Mitchell, a walking Saltine of a man, so crackered out is he, who will be the starter at Georgia on Saturday when South Carolina comes to Athens.

Mike Stoops in on the hot seat after game one. The Wildcats lost 20-7 to BYU at home and had 11 first downs to BYU’s 22 in the underwhelming debut of the Texas Tech-style passwacky offense. They did, however, totally drink BYU under the fuckin’ table, brah! HIGH FIVE VERY NICE!!!

Page 2: Funny? The rules of College Football…funny? On Page 2? And we thought we had to drag out the Pete Rock and CL Smooth for Page 2, which at one point was the sharp, pointy end of the spear for internet sportswriting. Ah, fuck it–we’re bringing it out anyway. That sax line’ll be playing in our heads all day at the mere mention of it.


©2008 EveryDayShouldBeSaturday.com - Privacy Policy
EDSBS is proudly powered by WordPress
The page was generated in 0.654 seconds with 23 queries.
Sevenpixels