SCENE: LLOYD CARR’S GARAGE
Lloyd sits in his garage, alone. A single light bulb burns above him. The floor is swept clean; he sits on a lawn chair in the dark. A bottle of scotch sits next to him; two buckets in front of him.
[SQUEEEEEEEE!!!! (Snap!) ]
Lloyd Carr: (sip.)
Laurie Carr: (from somewhere in the house.) Honey? You coming in for dinner?
Lloyd Carr: Hrrrmph.
Laurie Carr: Honey?
Lloyd Carr: I hear ya, I hear ya. Just another–
[SQUEEEEEEE!!!! (Snap.) ]
Lloyd: –few, I swear.
Laurie: Recycling’s going out tonight, remember?
Lloyd: Hrrrrmph.
Laurie: I said, did you remember to–
[SQUEEEEEEEE!!!! (Snap!) ]
Lloyd: Yes, yes, YES. I heard you the first time.
Laurie: Then why didn’t you say anything, honey—
Lloyd: Because I’m BUSY, that’s why! Busy…
Laurie approaches the door, looks in and sees Lloyd with his head buried in his hands.
Laurie: Oh, Lloyd.
Lloyd pauses in his work. He stares, a lost man looking at his hands.
Lloyd: …trying to figure this whole thing…out.
[SQUEEEEEEEE!!!! (Snap!)]
Laurie: You know I love you, right?
Lloyd: I know, honey.
Laurie: And the kids? They love you, too.
[SQUEEEEEEEE!!!! (Snap!)]
Lloyd: Yes, yes, I know, honey.
Laurie: And you’ll get through this, you know this, right?
Lloyd: I know, I know.
Laurie tenderly touches Lloyd’s shoulder. He puts his hand over hers, and together the years of marriage and shared love reveal themselves in one single, touching gesture.
Laurie: Tell you what. I’ll take the recycling out, and you just come into dinner when you’re ready, okay baby?
[SQUEEEEEEEE!!!! (Snap!)]
Lloyd: Okay, darlin’.
Laurie leaves, then ducks her head back in the door to the darkened garage.
Laurie: Any idea when that would be, sweet cheeks?
Lloyd: As soon as I work through this bucket, sweetheart.
Laurie: And how long is that?
Lloyd: I dunno. There’s a lot of kittens in this bucket.
Laurie: And you have to kill them all, right?
Lloyd: Yes, dear. Every last one of them.
Laurie: See you then, baby.
[SQUEEEEEEEE!!!! (Snap!)]
(End scene.)









51
The Duke of Wazzu says:
A great quote from Triumph the Insult Comic Dog:
“Cats are cunts.”
September 5th, 2007 at 8:49 pm
52
NewAZTiger says:
Brilliance. Archive this.
September 5th, 2007 at 9:29 pm
53
DC Trojan says:
So Lloyd Carr unwinds by addressing Homeland Security’s concerns about cats? Very public-minded of him, in a sort of a Guantanamo-on-the-Huron way. And, it’s win-win, unlike Michigan’s first 2 games.
September 5th, 2007 at 11:32 pm
54
DC Trojan says:
Well, obviously it’s not win-win for the cats, but you can’t make an omelette without breaking some eggs.
September 5th, 2007 at 11:39 pm
55
Rome says:
This is Angela Little on the scale of fantastic.
September 5th, 2007 at 11:52 pm
56
SA says:
Oh dear God, Orson. That was brilliant. Kudos to you sir.
September 6th, 2007 at 3:32 am
57
Signal to Noise says:
Dear me…
Only God knows what will happen if Michigan loses to Oregon on Saturday. I actually now hope for it.
Bravo, Mr. Swindle.
September 6th, 2007 at 3:39 am
58
Scalz1 says:
Three things:
1. I would go for ducklings instead of kittens.
2. At least App State is taking the high road with that pic. I hope the vitriol is evident there.
3. UM didn’t “dodge” Hawaii. How many other teams haven’t gone out there ? More than you know, Im sure. Just because they didn’t go this year, doesn’t mean they were scared. If App state loses, this is a non -story.
great post, Orson.
September 6th, 2007 at 7:21 am
59
drogue says:
#35- Exactly what I was thinking. I admit the (snap) had me a bit confused. Possibly ice cracking when Jim Beam was poured over it. But no.
Brilliant
September 6th, 2007 at 7:30 am
60
Elno Lewis says:
Story needs a fock lion.
September 6th, 2007 at 8:30 am
61
Wooderson says:
yeah, that was pretty funny. The bad thing is, you have to ask yourself if it’s really such a reach for this to happen.
September 6th, 2007 at 8:50 am
62
Kenny says:
Just in case …
http://www.flickr.com/photos/8289993@N05/1336168145/
September 6th, 2007 at 11:09 am
63
BabySealClubSamich says:
Brilliance + nicely played = sweet, sweet music.
September 6th, 2007 at 11:40 am
64
Billy in Baton Rouge says:
Holy Shit I’m a day late on this post but I laughed for 30 seconds straight. People think I just used a Joker Brand product.
Orson, 100 cocktails to you sir. The same kind I will be enjoying with Mr. Mussberger this weekend.
September 6th, 2007 at 12:06 pm
65
Hossnfeffer says:
VICTORY!!!
The next Medellin!
September 6th, 2007 at 3:12 pm
66
Alagator says:
I don’t know whether to laugh or call FEMA!
September 6th, 2007 at 4:32 pm
67
rudy (not the notre dame guy) says:
i think you mean ‘PETA’.
which sounds like’pita’.
which is kinda like a taco.
man, i love me some mexican food.
…
what? i’m hungry.
September 7th, 2007 at 6:20 am