SCENE: LLOYD CARR’S GARAGE
Lloyd sits in his garage, alone. A single light bulb burns above him. The floor is swept clean; he sits on a lawn chair in the dark. A bottle of scotch sits next to him; two buckets in front of him.
[SQUEEEEEEEE!!!! (Snap!) ]
Lloyd Carr: (sip.)
Laurie Carr: (from somewhere in the house.) Honey? You coming in for dinner?
Lloyd Carr: Hrrrmph.
Laurie Carr: Honey?
Lloyd Carr: I hear ya, I hear ya. Just another–
[SQUEEEEEEE!!!! (Snap.) ]
Lloyd: –few, I swear.
Laurie: Recycling’s going out tonight, remember?
Lloyd: Hrrrrmph.
Laurie: I said, did you remember to–
[SQUEEEEEEEE!!!! (Snap!) ]
Lloyd: Yes, yes, YES. I heard you the first time.
Laurie: Then why didn’t you say anything, honey—
Lloyd: Because I’m BUSY, that’s why! Busy…
Laurie approaches the door, looks in and sees Lloyd with his head buried in his hands.
Laurie: Oh, Lloyd.
Lloyd pauses in his work. He stares, a lost man looking at his hands.
Lloyd: …trying to figure this whole thing…out.
[SQUEEEEEEEE!!!! (Snap!)]
Laurie: You know I love you, right?
Lloyd: I know, honey.
Laurie: And the kids? They love you, too.
[SQUEEEEEEEE!!!! (Snap!)]
Lloyd: Yes, yes, I know, honey.
Laurie: And you’ll get through this, you know this, right?
Lloyd: I know, I know.
Laurie tenderly touches Lloyd’s shoulder. He puts his hand over hers, and together the years of marriage and shared love reveal themselves in one single, touching gesture.
Laurie: Tell you what. I’ll take the recycling out, and you just come into dinner when you’re ready, okay baby?
[SQUEEEEEEEE!!!! (Snap!)]
Lloyd: Okay, darlin’.
Laurie leaves, then ducks her head back in the door to the darkened garage.
Laurie: Any idea when that would be, sweet cheeks?
Lloyd: As soon as I work through this bucket, sweetheart.
Laurie: And how long is that?
Lloyd: I dunno. There’s a lot of kittens in this bucket.
Laurie: And you have to kill them all, right?
Lloyd: Yes, dear. Every last one of them.
Laurie: See you then, baby.
[SQUEEEEEEEE!!!! (Snap!)]
(End scene.)












25
Screw all this. Where is my mustache mother fucker?
Comment by The Last Dragon — September 5, 2007 @ 4:57 pm
24
Unhappy: Learn something new everyday…..
Comment by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me — September 5, 2007 @ 4:49 pm
23
15 - You take a kitten out of one bucket, kill it, drop it in the other. Like with crawfish (substituting “eat” for “kill”).
Comment by Unhappy Monkey — September 5, 2007 @ 4:40 pm
22
Strong, except that the first sentence describing the scene talks about Lloyd sitting in the dark under a single burning lightbulb. How is he in the dark if the bulb is burning?
Comment by Joe — September 5, 2007 @ 4:35 pm
21
Outstanding!
+100
Comment by drogue — September 5, 2007 @ 4:33 pm
20
I’m adopting that phrase “I dunno, there’s a lot of kittens in this bucket.” in application to work, girlfriends, and other things that suck.
Ex. Friend:”Hey Skip, you going to the beach this weekend?”
Me:” Well, don’t know with work. There’s alot of kittens in this bucket”
Thank you Orson. You’ve opened our eyes.
Comment by Hook'em Tide — September 5, 2007 @ 4:32 pm
19
Yikes.
Comment by Turf — September 5, 2007 @ 4:25 pm
18
Well, that was WELL worth pissing off the neighboring offices by laughing loudly.
Comment by Eirishis — September 5, 2007 @ 4:23 pm
17
awwwwwwwwwwwwww… poor kitties!! The longer I sit here in horror, the more I laugh.
Comment by CouchBurnin'Girl — September 5, 2007 @ 4:20 pm
16
Beginning of scene, OS writes:
“Two buckets in front of him…..”
Later OS writes that Carr has to work through “THIS bucket”, meaning one. So, whatever happened with the first bucket? What was in there? F Lions?
Comment by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me — September 5, 2007 @ 4:16 pm
15
Old man humiliated and stripped of dignity in the Big House, only to take it out on kittens? Take my advice. Terminate the real problem.
Comment by Dr. Kevorkian — September 5, 2007 @ 4:16 pm
14
sam shepard for the meth generation.
Comment by kleph — September 5, 2007 @ 4:14 pm
13
What does this mean for Pat White should WV face Michigan in a bowl game? I mean, besides about 500 yards of offense.
Comment by PW — September 5, 2007 @ 4:12 pm
12
I believe, if he had time for shit such as this, that even the Saban would be impressed…BRAVO!
Comment by Sabanite — September 5, 2007 @ 4:10 pm
11
Fantastic
Comment by Tailgator — September 5, 2007 @ 4:09 pm
10
Being a lowly business major, I think I missed something. Who are sitting in lawn chairs in the dark watching Carr work? Looks to me like he’s all alone with the kittens.
Comment by TIGERinATL — September 5, 2007 @ 4:06 pm
9
holy crap that’s the funniest thing from this glorious site ever.
Comment by IronMike — September 5, 2007 @ 4:05 pm
8
Oh Lloyd. You know good and well that inner peace isn’t going to come after five dead kittens, 15 dead kittens, or even that 80th dead kitten you’re holding in your hand.
It only comes with alcoholism.
Comment by Oops Pow Surprise — September 5, 2007 @ 4:03 pm
7
…
Comment by TIGERinATL — September 5, 2007 @ 4:02 pm
6
Wouldn’t getting your ass reamed make you such a bitch that you’d start to love the kittens? Not be so angry you could kill a bucket of them? Maybe its love puppies, kill kittens, hmmmm…
Comment by Brian — September 5, 2007 @ 3:49 pm
5
Once again, Orson demonstrates that there are some very dark places deep in his mind…
…and we love every bit of it too.
Bravo!
Comment by Geaux Irish — September 5, 2007 @ 3:47 pm
4
So . . . was he out in the garage masturbating? Because every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten, right?
Comment by Lujack City — September 5, 2007 @ 3:45 pm
3
As someone once said to Cornholio, you have broken new ground here, sir!
Comment by sjs1959 — September 5, 2007 @ 3:45 pm
2
Stunned silence.
Thunderous Applause.
Comment by PeteJayhawk — September 5, 2007 @ 3:41 pm
1
wow…
Comment by Dave K. — September 5, 2007 @ 3:40 pm