SCENE: LLOYD CARR’S GARAGE
Lloyd sits in his garage, alone. A single light bulb burns above him. The floor is swept clean; he sits on a lawn chair in the dark. A bottle of scotch sits next to him; two buckets in front of him.
[SQUEEEEEEEE!!!! (Snap!) ]
Lloyd Carr: (sip.)
Laurie Carr: (from somewhere in the house.) Honey? You coming in for dinner?
Lloyd Carr: Hrrrmph.
Laurie Carr: Honey?
Lloyd Carr: I hear ya, I hear ya. Just another–
[SQUEEEEEEE!!!! (Snap.) ]
Lloyd: –few, I swear.
Laurie: Recycling’s going out tonight, remember?
Lloyd: Hrrrrmph.
Laurie: I said, did you remember to–
[SQUEEEEEEEE!!!! (Snap!) ]
Lloyd: Yes, yes, YES. I heard you the first time.
Laurie: Then why didn’t you say anything, honey—
Lloyd: Because I’m BUSY, that’s why! Busy…
Laurie approaches the door, looks in and sees Lloyd with his head buried in his hands.
Laurie: Oh, Lloyd.
Lloyd pauses in his work. He stares, a lost man looking at his hands.
Lloyd: …trying to figure this whole thing…out.
[SQUEEEEEEEE!!!! (Snap!)]
Laurie: You know I love you, right?
Lloyd: I know, honey.
Laurie: And the kids? They love you, too.
[SQUEEEEEEEE!!!! (Snap!)]
Lloyd: Yes, yes, I know, honey.
Laurie: And you’ll get through this, you know this, right?
Lloyd: I know, I know.
Laurie tenderly touches Lloyd’s shoulder. He puts his hand over hers, and together the years of marriage and shared love reveal themselves in one single, touching gesture.
Laurie: Tell you what. I’ll take the recycling out, and you just come into dinner when you’re ready, okay baby?
[SQUEEEEEEEE!!!! (Snap!)]
Lloyd: Okay, darlin’.
Laurie leaves, then ducks her head back in the door to the darkened garage.
Laurie: Any idea when that would be, sweet cheeks?
Lloyd: As soon as I work through this bucket, sweetheart.
Laurie: And how long is that?
Lloyd: I dunno. There’s a lot of kittens in this bucket.
Laurie: And you have to kill them all, right?
Lloyd: Yes, dear. Every last one of them.
Laurie: See you then, baby.
[SQUEEEEEEEE!!!! (Snap!)]
(End scene.)









1
Dave K. says:
wow…
September 5th, 2007 at 3:40 pm
2
PeteJayhawk says:
Stunned silence.
Thunderous Applause.
September 5th, 2007 at 3:41 pm
3
sjs1959 says:
As someone once said to Cornholio, you have broken new ground here, sir!
September 5th, 2007 at 3:45 pm
4
Lujack City says:
So . . . was he out in the garage masturbating? Because every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten, right?
September 5th, 2007 at 3:45 pm
5
Geaux Irish says:
Once again, Orson demonstrates that there are some very dark places deep in his mind…
…and we love every bit of it too.
Bravo!
September 5th, 2007 at 3:47 pm
6
Brian says:
Wouldn’t getting your ass reamed make you such a bitch that you’d start to love the kittens? Not be so angry you could kill a bucket of them? Maybe its love puppies, kill kittens, hmmmm…
September 5th, 2007 at 3:49 pm
7
TIGERinATL says:
…
September 5th, 2007 at 4:02 pm
8
Oops Pow Surprise says:
Oh Lloyd. You know good and well that inner peace isn’t going to come after five dead kittens, 15 dead kittens, or even that 80th dead kitten you’re holding in your hand.
It only comes with alcoholism.
September 5th, 2007 at 4:03 pm
9
IronMike says:
holy crap that’s the funniest thing from this glorious site ever.
September 5th, 2007 at 4:05 pm
10
TIGERinATL says:
Being a lowly business major, I think I missed something. Who are sitting in lawn chairs in the dark watching Carr work? Looks to me like he’s all alone with the kittens.
September 5th, 2007 at 4:06 pm
11
Tailgator says:
Fantastic
September 5th, 2007 at 4:09 pm
12
Sabanite says:
I believe, if he had time for shit such as this, that even the Saban would be impressed…BRAVO!
September 5th, 2007 at 4:10 pm
13
PW says:
What does this mean for Pat White should WV face Michigan in a bowl game? I mean, besides about 500 yards of offense.
September 5th, 2007 at 4:12 pm
14
kleph says:
sam shepard for the meth generation.
September 5th, 2007 at 4:14 pm
15
Dr. Kevorkian says:
Old man humiliated and stripped of dignity in the Big House, only to take it out on kittens? Take my advice. Terminate the real problem.
September 5th, 2007 at 4:16 pm
16
Stacy Keibler Luvs Me says:
Beginning of scene, OS writes:
“Two buckets in front of him…..”
Later OS writes that Carr has to work through “THIS bucket”, meaning one. So, whatever happened with the first bucket? What was in there? F Lions?
September 5th, 2007 at 4:16 pm
17
CouchBurnin'Girl says:
awwwwwwwwwwwwww… poor kitties!! The longer I sit here in horror, the more I laugh.
September 5th, 2007 at 4:20 pm
18
Eirishis says:
Well, that was WELL worth pissing off the neighboring offices by laughing loudly.
September 5th, 2007 at 4:23 pm
19
Turf says:
Yikes.
September 5th, 2007 at 4:25 pm
20
Hook'em Tide says:
I’m adopting that phrase “I dunno, there’s a lot of kittens in this bucket.” in application to work, girlfriends, and other things that suck.
Ex. Friend:”Hey Skip, you going to the beach this weekend?”
Me:” Well, don’t know with work. There’s alot of kittens in this bucket”
Thank you Orson. You’ve opened our eyes.
September 5th, 2007 at 4:32 pm
21
drogue says:
Outstanding!
+100
September 5th, 2007 at 4:33 pm
22
Joe says:
Strong, except that the first sentence describing the scene talks about Lloyd sitting in the dark under a single burning lightbulb. How is he in the dark if the bulb is burning?
September 5th, 2007 at 4:35 pm
23
Unhappy Monkey says:
15 – You take a kitten out of one bucket, kill it, drop it in the other. Like with crawfish (substituting “eat” for “kill”).
September 5th, 2007 at 4:40 pm
24
Stacy Keibler Luvs Me says:
Unhappy: Learn something new everyday…..
September 5th, 2007 at 4:49 pm
25
The Last Dragon says:
Screw all this. Where is my mustache mother fucker?
September 5th, 2007 at 4:57 pm
26
Jonathan says:
Wow, just wow…
September 5th, 2007 at 4:58 pm
27
Palouse says:
I sense a duck hunting scene coming after this weekend.
September 5th, 2007 at 5:06 pm
28
Unhappy Monkey says:
SKLM – which should be saturday.
by the way, brilliant scene Orson.
September 5th, 2007 at 5:11 pm
29
Geaux Irish says:
App State rubs it in a little more…this picture is at the top of their school’s homepage:
http://www.web.appstate.edu/images/2007/08/victors1.jpg
http://www.appstate.edu/
September 5th, 2007 at 5:20 pm
30
impirius says:
Jesus.
September 5th, 2007 at 5:24 pm
31
Der Schatten says:
*emerges from darkened room, weeping stinging, copious tears…tears summoned, if rarely ushered forth, for only the death of a child and Lloyd snapping kitty necks*
September 5th, 2007 at 5:39 pm
32
Stacy Keibler Luvs Me says:
27 – Unhappy, I agree about the brilliant-ness of this piece, which not even the brainiacs at Michigan could come up with in a hundred years—> morose yet funny as hell in a tidy little scene with an ending set up better than a Boise State statue-of-liberty play against the so called big boys.
September 5th, 2007 at 5:43 pm
33
Brewster Crew says:
Mr. Swindle, I don’t use the word “hero” very often. But you are the greatest hero in American history.
September 5th, 2007 at 5:54 pm
34
H-Coog-Jackson says:
Oh God! I feel so dirty! I mean Sam Beckett caught from behind by William S. Burroughs dirty! Which I suspect is like Carr and Tressel argung over who gets the reacharound kind of dirty! Dam you gator people, look at what you’ve done to me!
September 5th, 2007 at 5:56 pm
35
gerry dorsey says:
and here i thought each “SQUEEEEEEEE!!!! (Snap!)” was the cork on the scotch bottle until the revelation.
September 5th, 2007 at 5:59 pm
36
asim says:
A Lyttle Lytton quote is surprisingly relevant for once!
“The pain wouldn’t stop, and Vern still had three cats left.”
Guess it’s Lloyd here, but hey.
(http://adamcadre.ac/lyttle.html)
September 5th, 2007 at 6:01 pm
37
Patrick says:
Lloyd Carr doesn’t just kill pussy, he is one:
http://freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070905/BLOG14/70905032/1054
Ducking Hawaii.
September 5th, 2007 at 6:12 pm
38
NDEddieMac says:
oh. my. god. Orson you never fail to amaze. Outstanding
September 5th, 2007 at 6:37 pm
39
TigerNacho says:
“Oh, Lloyd”
Why do I hear my wife’s voice here?
September 5th, 2007 at 6:55 pm
40
Touchdown74 says:
Geez. You’d think Michigan lost to Appalachian State or something.
September 5th, 2007 at 7:00 pm
41
SC_Gator says:
If this is what he’s doing with his time this week, they still won’t be any more prepared then they were against ASU.
September 5th, 2007 at 7:13 pm
42
Erik says:
My jaw is still hanging open several minutes later.
September 5th, 2007 at 7:34 pm
43
Ed Orgeron says:
YAWYAWYAW DISJUSPREEGAHMWOMUP FAMEH! ITTAFAHRUP DAREBAH!
September 5th, 2007 at 7:37 pm
44
Michigan Gator says:
Thank you for making me laugh. Now, back to my own bucket…
September 5th, 2007 at 7:50 pm
45
Brian says:
#35 — SAME!!!! I was like, maybe i missed this indside joke some how? So I allllmost went down to the bottom to figure it out before finishing, but i was rewarded by not doing so. Poor lil kitties. Just as long as its not the ones in the coffee mugs, only mangy polecats that would give bob barker rabies for his attempted kitty genocide.
September 5th, 2007 at 7:54 pm
46
Forklift says:
This is a definite Cornholio moment. Bravo.
September 5th, 2007 at 8:08 pm
47
Trip says:
Orson,
I recently turned 30, and have been a Michigan fan since I was in utero. One of the proudest days of my life is when I graduated from that fine institution.
I have, obvoiusly, been a fan of the football program for as long as I can remember. I have been a fan through the program’s dizzing heights (the 1997 season), and the program’s equally dizzing lows (the 2005 season). I have seen the team beat teams they had no right to (1995 tOSU), and lose to teams they never should have (see Notre Dame, the past 15 years). This week has obviously been the nadir of my fandom.
As such, I have a simple request. Obviously, you have no obligation to grant this request, but please. As one college football fan, in the depths of unfathomable depression, to another college football fan, can you please, please make a blue T-shirt, with yellow lettering that says “[SQUEEEEEEEE!!!! (Snap!) ]”
Thank you.
September 5th, 2007 at 8:15 pm
48
Holly says:
How’d you get through this without a bukkit reference, Swindle? Bravissimo.
September 5th, 2007 at 8:32 pm
49
Stockman says:
Purrrrfect post.
September 5th, 2007 at 8:36 pm
50
cocknfire says:
There are no words. Other than brilliant.
September 5th, 2007 at 8:47 pm
51
The Duke of Wazzu says:
A great quote from Triumph the Insult Comic Dog:
“Cats are cunts.”
September 5th, 2007 at 8:49 pm
52
NewAZTiger says:
Brilliance. Archive this.
September 5th, 2007 at 9:29 pm
53
DC Trojan says:
So Lloyd Carr unwinds by addressing Homeland Security’s concerns about cats? Very public-minded of him, in a sort of a Guantanamo-on-the-Huron way. And, it’s win-win, unlike Michigan’s first 2 games.
September 5th, 2007 at 11:32 pm
54
DC Trojan says:
Well, obviously it’s not win-win for the cats, but you can’t make an omelette without breaking some eggs.
September 5th, 2007 at 11:39 pm
55
Rome says:
This is Angela Little on the scale of fantastic.
September 5th, 2007 at 11:52 pm
56
SA says:
Oh dear God, Orson. That was brilliant. Kudos to you sir.
September 6th, 2007 at 3:32 am
57
Signal to Noise says:
Dear me…
Only God knows what will happen if Michigan loses to Oregon on Saturday. I actually now hope for it.
Bravo, Mr. Swindle.
September 6th, 2007 at 3:39 am
58
Scalz1 says:
Three things:
1. I would go for ducklings instead of kittens.
2. At least App State is taking the high road with that pic. I hope the vitriol is evident there.
3. UM didn’t “dodge” Hawaii. How many other teams haven’t gone out there ? More than you know, Im sure. Just because they didn’t go this year, doesn’t mean they were scared. If App state loses, this is a non -story.
great post, Orson.
September 6th, 2007 at 7:21 am
59
drogue says:
#35- Exactly what I was thinking. I admit the (snap) had me a bit confused. Possibly ice cracking when Jim Beam was poured over it. But no.
Brilliant
September 6th, 2007 at 7:30 am
60
Elno Lewis says:
Story needs a fock lion.
September 6th, 2007 at 8:30 am
61
Wooderson says:
yeah, that was pretty funny. The bad thing is, you have to ask yourself if it’s really such a reach for this to happen.
September 6th, 2007 at 8:50 am
62
Kenny says:
Just in case …
http://www.flickr.com/photos/8289993@N05/1336168145/
September 6th, 2007 at 11:09 am
63
BabySealClubSamich says:
Brilliance + nicely played = sweet, sweet music.
September 6th, 2007 at 11:40 am
64
Billy in Baton Rouge says:
Holy Shit I’m a day late on this post but I laughed for 30 seconds straight. People think I just used a Joker Brand product.
Orson, 100 cocktails to you sir. The same kind I will be enjoying with Mr. Mussberger this weekend.
September 6th, 2007 at 12:06 pm
65
Hossnfeffer says:
VICTORY!!!
The next Medellin!
September 6th, 2007 at 3:12 pm
66
Alagator says:
I don’t know whether to laugh or call FEMA!
September 6th, 2007 at 4:32 pm
67
rudy (not the notre dame guy) says:
i think you mean ‘PETA’.
which sounds like’pita’.
which is kinda like a taco.
man, i love me some mexican food.
…
what? i’m hungry.
September 7th, 2007 at 6:20 am