SCENE: LLOYD CARR'S GARAGE
by Orson on Sep 5, 2007 4:38 PM EDT
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PrintLloyd sits in his garage, alone. A single light bulb burns above him. The floor is swept clean; he sits on a lawn chair in the dark. A bottle of scotch sits next to him; two buckets in front of him.
[SQUEEEEEEEE!!!! (Snap!) ]
Lloyd Carr: (sip.)
Laurie Carr: (from somewhere in the house.) Honey? You coming in for dinner?
Lloyd Carr: Hrrrmph.
Laurie Carr: Honey?
Lloyd Carr: I hear ya, I hear ya. Just another--
[SQUEEEEEEE!!!! (Snap.) ]
Lloyd: --few, I swear.
Laurie: Recycling's going out tonight, remember?
Lloyd: Hrrrrmph.
Laurie: I said, did you remember to--
[SQUEEEEEEEE!!!! (Snap!) ]
Lloyd: Yes, yes, YES. I heard you the first time.
Laurie: Then why didn't you say anything, honey---
Lloyd: Because I'm BUSY, that's why! Busy...
Laurie approaches the door, looks in and sees Lloyd with his head buried in his hands.
Laurie: Oh, Lloyd.
Lloyd pauses in his work. He stares, a lost man looking at his hands.
Lloyd: ...trying to figure this whole thing...out.
[SQUEEEEEEEE!!!! (Snap!)]
Laurie: You know I love you, right?
Lloyd: I know, honey.
Laurie: And the kids? They love you, too.
[SQUEEEEEEEE!!!! (Snap!)]
Lloyd: Yes, yes, I know, honey.
Laurie: And you'll get through this, you know this, right?
Lloyd: I know, I know.
Laurie tenderly touches Lloyd's shoulder. He puts his hand over hers, and together the years of marriage and shared love reveal themselves in one single, touching gesture.
Laurie: Tell you what. I'll take the recycling out, and you just come into dinner when you're ready, okay baby?
[SQUEEEEEEEE!!!! (Snap!)]
Lloyd: Okay, darlin'.
Laurie leaves, then ducks her head back in the door to the darkened garage.
Laurie: Any idea when that would be, sweet cheeks?
Lloyd: As soon as I work through this bucket, sweetheart.
Laurie: And how long is that?
Lloyd: I dunno. There's a lot of kittens in this bucket.
Laurie: And you have to kill them all, right?
Lloyd: Yes, dear. Every last one of them.
Laurie: See you then, baby.
[SQUEEEEEEEE!!!! (Snap!)]
(End scene.)
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As someone once said to Cornholio, you have broken new ground here, sir!
by sjs1959 on Sep 5, 2007 4:45 PM EDT reply actions
So . . . was he out in the garage masturbating? Because every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten, right?
by Lujack City on Sep 5, 2007 4:45 PM EDT reply actions
Once again, Orson demonstrates that there are some very dark places deep in his mind…
…and we love every bit of it too.
Bravo!
by Geaux Irish on Sep 5, 2007 4:47 PM EDT reply actions
Wouldn’t getting your ass reamed make you such a bitch that you’d start to love the kittens? Not be so angry you could kill a bucket of them? Maybe its love puppies, kill kittens, hmmmm…
by Brian on Sep 5, 2007 4:49 PM EDT reply actions
Oh Lloyd. You know good and well that inner peace isn’t going to come after five dead kittens, 15 dead kittens, or even that 80th dead kitten you’re holding in your hand.
It only comes with alcoholism.
by Oops Pow Surprise on Sep 5, 2007 5:03 PM EDT reply actions
holy crap that’s the funniest thing from this glorious site ever.
by IronMike on Sep 5, 2007 5:05 PM EDT reply actions
Being a lowly business major, I think I missed something. Who are sitting in lawn chairs in the dark watching Carr work? Looks to me like he’s all alone with the kittens.
by TIGERinATL on Sep 5, 2007 5:06 PM EDT reply actions
I believe, if he had time for shit such as this, that even the Saban would be impressed…BRAVO!
by Sabanite on Sep 5, 2007 5:10 PM EDT reply actions
What does this mean for Pat White should WV face Michigan in a bowl game? I mean, besides about 500 yards of offense.
by PW on Sep 5, 2007 5:12 PM EDT reply actions
Old man humiliated and stripped of dignity in the Big House, only to take it out on kittens? Take my advice. Terminate the real problem.
by Dr. Kevorkian on Sep 5, 2007 5:16 PM EDT reply actions
Beginning of scene, OS writes:
“Two buckets in front of him…..”
Later OS writes that Carr has to work through “THIS bucket”, meaning one. So, whatever happened with the first bucket? What was in there? F Lions?
by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me on Sep 5, 2007 5:16 PM EDT reply actions
awwwwwwwwwwwwww… poor kitties!! The longer I sit here in horror, the more I laugh.
by CouchBurnin'Girl on Sep 5, 2007 5:20 PM EDT reply actions
Well, that was WELL worth pissing off the neighboring offices by laughing loudly.
by Eirishis on Sep 5, 2007 5:23 PM EDT reply actions
I’m adopting that phrase “I dunno, there’s a lot of kittens in this bucket.” in application to work, girlfriends, and other things that suck.
Ex. Friend:“Hey Skip, you going to the beach this weekend?”
Me:" Well, don’t know with work. There’s alot of kittens in this bucket"
Thank you Orson. You’ve opened our eyes.
by Hook'em Tide on Sep 5, 2007 5:32 PM EDT reply actions
Strong, except that the first sentence describing the scene talks about Lloyd sitting in the dark under a single burning lightbulb. How is he in the dark if the bulb is burning?
by Joe on Sep 5, 2007 5:35 PM EDT reply actions
15 – You take a kitten out of one bucket, kill it, drop it in the other. Like with crawfish (substituting “eat” for “kill”).
by Unhappy Monkey on Sep 5, 2007 5:40 PM EDT reply actions
Unhappy: Learn something new everyday…..
by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me on Sep 5, 2007 5:49 PM EDT reply actions
Screw all this. Where is my mustache mother fucker?
by The Last Dragon on Sep 5, 2007 5:57 PM EDT reply actions
I sense a duck hunting scene coming after this weekend.
by Palouse on Sep 5, 2007 6:06 PM EDT reply actions
SKLM – which should be saturday.
by the way, brilliant scene Orson.
by Unhappy Monkey on Sep 5, 2007 6:11 PM EDT reply actions
App State rubs it in a little more…this picture is at the top of their school’s homepage:
by Geaux Irish on Sep 5, 2007 6:20 PM EDT reply actions
emerges from darkened room, weeping stinging, copious tears…tears summoned, if rarely ushered forth, for only the death of a child and Lloyd snapping kitty necks
by Der Schatten on Sep 5, 2007 6:39 PM EDT reply actions
27 – Unhappy, I agree about the brilliant-ness of this piece, which not even the brainiacs at Michigan could come up with in a hundred years—-> morose yet funny as hell in a tidy little scene with an ending set up better than a Boise State statue-of-liberty play against the so called big boys.
by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me on Sep 5, 2007 6:43 PM EDT reply actions
Mr. Swindle, I don’t use the word “hero” very often. But you are the greatest hero in American history.
by Brewster Crew on Sep 5, 2007 6:54 PM EDT reply actions
Oh God! I feel so dirty! I mean Sam Beckett caught from behind by William S. Burroughs dirty! Which I suspect is like Carr and Tressel argung over who gets the reacharound kind of dirty! Dam you gator people, look at what you’ve done to me!
by H-Coog-Jackson on Sep 5, 2007 6:56 PM EDT reply actions
and here i thought each “SQUEEEEEEEE!!!! (Snap!)” was the cork on the scotch bottle until the revelation.
by gerry dorsey on Sep 5, 2007 6:59 PM EDT reply actions
A Lyttle Lytton quote is surprisingly relevant for once!
“The pain wouldn’t stop, and Vern still had three cats left.”
Guess it’s Lloyd here, but hey.
by asim on Sep 5, 2007 7:01 PM EDT reply actions
Lloyd Carr doesn’t just kill pussy, he is one:
http://freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070905/BLOG14/70905032/1054
Ducking Hawaii.
by Patrick on Sep 5, 2007 7:12 PM EDT reply actions
oh. my. god. Orson you never fail to amaze. Outstanding
by NDEddieMac on Sep 5, 2007 7:37 PM EDT reply actions
“Oh, Lloyd”
Why do I hear my wife’s voice here?
by TigerNacho on Sep 5, 2007 7:55 PM EDT reply actions
Geez. You’d think Michigan lost to Appalachian State or something.
by Touchdown74 on Sep 5, 2007 8:00 PM EDT reply actions
If this is what he’s doing with his time this week, they still won’t be any more prepared then they were against ASU.
by SC_Gator on Sep 5, 2007 8:13 PM EDT reply actions
My jaw is still hanging open several minutes later.
by Erik on Sep 5, 2007 8:34 PM EDT reply actions
YAWYAWYAW DISJUSPREEGAHMWOMUP FAMEH! ITTAFAHRUP DAREBAH!
by Ed Orgeron on Sep 5, 2007 8:37 PM EDT reply actions
Thank you for making me laugh. Now, back to my own bucket…
by Michigan Gator on Sep 5, 2007 8:50 PM EDT reply actions
-SAME!!!! I was like, maybe i missed this indside joke some how? So I allllmost went down to the bottom to figure it out before finishing, but i was rewarded by not doing so. Poor lil kitties. Just as long as its not the ones in the coffee mugs, only mangy polecats that would give bob barker rabies for his attempted kitty genocide.
by Brian on Sep 5, 2007 8:54 PM EDT reply actions
Orson,
I recently turned 30, and have been a Michigan fan since I was in utero. One of the proudest days of my life is when I graduated from that fine institution.
I have, obvoiusly, been a fan of the football program for as long as I can remember. I have been a fan through the program’s dizzing heights (the 1997 season), and the program’s equally dizzing lows (the 2005 season). I have seen the team beat teams they had no right to (1995 tOSU), and lose to teams they never should have (see Notre Dame, the past 15 years). This week has obviously been the nadir of my fandom.
As such, I have a simple request. Obviously, you have no obligation to grant this request, but please. As one college football fan, in the depths of unfathomable depression, to another college football fan, can you please, please make a blue T-shirt, with yellow lettering that says “[SQUEEEEEEEE!!!! (Snap!) ]”
Thank you.
by Trip on Sep 5, 2007 9:15 PM EDT reply actions
How’d you get through this without a bukkit reference, Swindle? Bravissimo.
by Holly on Sep 5, 2007 9:32 PM EDT reply actions
A great quote from Triumph the Insult Comic Dog:
“Cats are cunts.”
by The Duke of Wazzu on Sep 5, 2007 9:49 PM EDT reply actions
So Lloyd Carr unwinds by addressing Homeland Security’s concerns about cats? Very public-minded of him, in a sort of a Guantanamo-on-the-Huron way. And, it’s win-win, unlike Michigan’s first 2 games.
by DC Trojan on Sep 6, 2007 12:32 AM EDT reply actions
Well, obviously it’s not win-win for the cats, but you can’t make an omelette without breaking some eggs.
by DC Trojan on Sep 6, 2007 12:39 AM EDT reply actions
Oh dear God, Orson. That was brilliant. Kudos to you sir.
by SA on Sep 6, 2007 4:32 AM EDT reply actions
Dear me…
Only God knows what will happen if Michigan loses to Oregon on Saturday. I actually now hope for it.
Bravo, Mr. Swindle.
by Signal to Noise on Sep 6, 2007 4:39 AM EDT reply actions
Three things:
1. I would go for ducklings instead of kittens.
2. At least App State is taking the high road with that pic. I hope the vitriol is evident there.
3. UM didn’t “dodge” Hawaii. How many other teams haven’t gone out there ? More than you know, Im sure. Just because they didn’t go this year, doesn’t mean they were scared. If App state loses, this is a non -story.
great post, Orson.
by Scalz1 on Sep 6, 2007 8:21 AM EDT reply actions
- Exactly what I was thinking. I admit the (snap) had me a bit confused. Possibly ice cracking when Jim Beam was poured over it. But no.
Brilliant
by drogue on Sep 6, 2007 8:30 AM EDT reply actions
yeah, that was pretty funny. The bad thing is, you have to ask yourself if it’s really such a reach for this to happen.
by Wooderson on Sep 6, 2007 9:50 AM EDT reply actions
Just in case …
http://www.flickr.com/photos/8289993@N05/1336168145/
by Kenny on Sep 6, 2007 12:09 PM EDT reply actions
Brilliance + nicely played = sweet, sweet music.
by BabySealClubSamich on Sep 6, 2007 12:40 PM EDT reply actions
Holy Shit I’m a day late on this post but I laughed for 30 seconds straight. People think I just used a Joker Brand product.
Orson, 100 cocktails to you sir. The same kind I will be enjoying with Mr. Mussberger this weekend.
by Billy in Baton Rouge on Sep 6, 2007 1:06 PM EDT reply actions
i think you mean ‘PETA’.
which sounds like’pita’.
which is kinda like a taco.
man, i love me some mexican food.
…
what? i’m hungry.
by rudy (not the notre dame guy) on Sep 7, 2007 7:20 AM EDT reply actions
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