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We bring you this message from the Department of Homeland Security because we want you to be not afraid, citizen, but merely aware. Aware that you are in mortal danger at all times. Aware that a bomb could be lurking in that tasty Teriyaki Chicken Sub you ordered from your local Subway. Aware of the fact that not all terrorists have beards*, and that some of them don mustaches, goatees, and other variations of facial hair. (But remember: they always have facial hair.) Aware that your sweet, loyal, loving dog could be enticed to do the work of Islamofascists allowed to feed them strange hamburgers, which is why you should never allow strangers to feed them. Today’s faithful hound could be tomorrow’s dynamite cart! Please help DHS prevent your pooch from turning into a four-legged Guy Fawkes by only allowing a single, non-bearded person to feed your dog.*


Reminder! You’re totally going to fucking die.

Cats, however, work for no one. They operate outside the constructs of the nation-state, and therefore can neither be trusted nor feared. They will just as happily watch you die a slow death from a neutron bombing as they would sit on your lap and emit their coy, heartless purring. But you already knew this, citizen.

So to review: fear sandwiches, beards, and strange hamburgers. Stock up on bottled water and eschew the condoms, since you’ll need none in a world dependent on your seed for repopulation when you emerge from your plastic sheeting bunker.

The Lee Corso Skin Tone Watch is now at TANGELO.Be advised that Lee Corso’s skin tone is dangerously artificial this month, which means you should stay inside and avoid contact with the air, soil, and water–just like Nick Saban does.

*DHS Employees excepted.

**What if I have a beard and also have a dog? This a trick question, because you are clearly a terrorist if you have a beard, and are NOT head of DHS. Turn yourself into local DHS offices immediately, or attempt shaving. If all the hair comes off cleanly, you are clearly not a terrorist. Apply aftershave of choice and go forth, citizen.