LEE CORSO SKIN TONE WATCH: SEPTEMBER

by Orson on Sep 5, 2007 12:40 PM EDT

We bring you this message from the Department of Homeland Security because we want you to be not afraid, citizen, but merely aware. Aware that you are in mortal danger at all times. Aware that a bomb could be lurking in that tasty Teriyaki Chicken Sub you ordered from your local Subway. Aware of the fact that not all terrorists have beards*, and that some of them don mustaches, goatees, and other variations of facial hair. (But remember: they always have facial hair.) Aware that your sweet, loyal, loving dog could be enticed to do the work of Islamofascists allowed to feed them strange hamburgers, which is why you should never allow strangers to feed them. Today's faithful hound could be tomorrow's dynamite cart! Please help DHS prevent your pooch from turning into a four-legged Guy Fawkes by only allowing a single, non-bearded person to feed your dog.*

Reminder! You're totally going to fucking die.

Cats, however, work for no one. They operate outside the constructs of the nation-state, and therefore can neither be trusted nor feared. They will just as happily watch you die a slow death from a neutron bombing as they would sit on your lap and emit their coy, heartless purring. But you already knew this, citizen.

So to review: fear sandwiches, beards, and strange hamburgers. Stock up on bottled water and eschew the condoms, since you'll need none in a world dependent on your seed for repopulation when you emerge from your plastic sheeting bunker.

The Lee Corso Skin Tone Watch is now at TANGELO.Be advised that Lee Corso's skin tone is dangerously artificial this month, which means you should stay inside and avoid contact with the air, soil, and water--just like Nick Saban does.

*DHS Employees excepted.

**What if I have a beard and also have a dog? This a trick question, because you are clearly a terrorist if you have a beard, and are NOT head of DHS. Turn yourself into local DHS offices immediately, or attempt shaving. If all the hair comes off cleanly, you are clearly not a terrorist. Apply aftershave of choice and go forth, citizen.

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Yessssss !!!! I was wondering what condition we were under all week. Please link this to all highway flashing update boards so I can keep “in the know”.

by Scalz1 on Sep 5, 2007 12:53 PM EDT reply actions

Hmm, maybe I shouldn’t have named that Saluki “Osama.” We’re all doomed!!!!

by Brian on Sep 5, 2007 1:05 PM EDT reply actions

You are a big jerk, because of the fact you take a shot at Lee Corso.

Lee Corso doesn’t appreciate people taking shots and joking at his expense, when he doesn’t do that to anybody else.

by Oops Pow Surprise on Sep 5, 2007 1:07 PM EDT reply actions

-oops pow

is that a reference to his uncomfortable interview on dallas radio regarding him posing like burt reynolds?? if so +1 to you good sir.

and if lee spends the weekend in baton rouge that tone will get to “bob davie” real quick.

by gerry dorsey on Sep 5, 2007 1:11 PM EDT reply actions

The Soviets tried that – training dogs to carry explosives, specifically anti-tank mines in WWII. The main flaws in the plan?

- Using Soviet tanks for training (leading to some embarrasing “man’s-best-friendly-fire” debacles)

- failing to realize that dogs might run away because they were more frightened of German tanks full of people shooting at them, than they would be of being sent to the Gulag

- failing to realize that panicked dogs might run back to the people that they recognized.

Somehow I can’t see those cunning terrorists doing any better – where would you find a spare 737 for training purposes anyway?

by DC Trojan on Sep 5, 2007 1:12 PM EDT reply actions

Corso’s skin tone wasn’t the one that confused/annoyed/amused me on the Gameday set.

It’s Herbstreit. I’m unsure whether he set the spray tan machine to “Victoria Beckham”, “Gay Porn Star” or “Billy Crystal Playing Sammy Davis”.

Also: the HD cameras on Gameday make all of their hair look terrible.

by LD on Sep 5, 2007 1:16 PM EDT reply actions

Cats are immune to neutron bombs?

Somehow, I see an entirely new pentagon line of research into the properties of saliva shielding of organic matter from neutron radiation.

by Will on Sep 5, 2007 1:20 PM EDT reply actions

That’s “Malibu Bob Davie, former head footbaw coach at Notre Dame” to all of you, sirs.

by GamecockTony on Sep 5, 2007 1:31 PM EDT reply actions

I knew to be wary of you when I met you at the Atlanta PP. You’re part of that Decatur sleeper cell.

by UkraineNotWeak on Sep 5, 2007 2:10 PM EDT reply actions

You forgot “custard” – it’s somewhere between “apricot” and “tangelo”.

Mmmm…. custard…

by Forklift on Sep 5, 2007 2:13 PM EDT reply actions

Thanks for the Corso skin tone watcher, Swindle…I had forgotten how sassy Lee looks in da nude.

by Stockman on Sep 5, 2007 2:35 PM EDT reply actions

Dogs have masters.

Cats have staff.

Corso has Charlie Weis.

by yoyofutbawl on Sep 5, 2007 2:35 PM EDT reply actions

For this weekends Gameday, I’m picking Bob Davie skin tone.

I been watching these guys and it’s going to be a lot closer than most people think. Last week I had a chance to visit with these guys. And let me tell you. You watch that guy ole number 24. Its shhzoot, shzoot shzoot and POW, he’s in the end zone. I’m picking Bob Davie skin tone but its going to be a nailbiter.

by blazin on Sep 5, 2007 2:38 PM EDT reply actions

toasts you with the Jack miniature safely ensconced in my desk.

by Der Schatten on Sep 5, 2007 2:41 PM EDT reply actions

Skeletor testified in front of our committee today and I noticed that he no longer has any facial hair at all — will this affect his terrorist status when he leaves DHS for Justice? Unfortunately (or, fortunately) there is no way to tell how easily the hair came off. Oh, and he wanted you to know that we’re all still totally going to fucking die.

by smurphette on Sep 5, 2007 3:22 PM EDT reply actions