Lloyd sits in his garage, alone. A single light bulb burns above him. The floor is swept clean; he sits on a lawn chair in the dark. A bottle of scotch sits next to him; two buckets in front of him.
[SQUEEEEEEEE!!!! (Snap!) ]
Lloyd Carr: (sip.)
Laurie Carr: (from somewhere in the house.) Honey? You coming in for dinner?
Lloyd Carr: Hrrrmph. (more…)
A short entry on a day when real life is interfering with things a bit, but you’ll pardon our mess as we introduce you to the finest Heisman Campaign we’ve ever seen: Booties 4 Booty.
Considering that we, as a policy stand, don’t give a shit about individual awards, this may seem like an odd acknowledgment. Then again, we care a lot about ass, and about football–any intersection of the two deserves at least an energetic nod in its direction. And given that direction, this campaign’s over before it ever started. All the campaign needs now is Booty shirtless holding a baby to sway the female voters, and we’re game set match thanks to a sex attack.
As for ESPN? They were already pantsless holding a bottle of champagne at the door for USC and anyone from the team from day one. In fact we can’t be sure the first “lady” at Booties for Booty site isn’t Joe Schad with painted nails and a really, really good wax job on the back.
We bring you this message from the Department of Homeland Security because we want you to be not afraid, citizen, but merely aware. Aware that you are in mortal danger at all times. Aware that a bomb could be lurking in that tasty Teriyaki Chicken Sub you ordered from your local Subway. Aware of the fact that not all terrorists have beards*, and that some of them don mustaches, goatees, and other variations of facial hair. (But remember: they always have facial hair.) Aware that your sweet, loyal, loving dog could be enticed to do the work of Islamofascists allowed to feed them strange hamburgers, which is why you should never allow strangers to feed them. Today’s faithful hound could be tomorrow’s dynamite cart! Please help DHS prevent your pooch from turning into a four-legged Guy Fawkes by only allowing a single, non-bearded person to feed your dog.*
Cats, however, work for no one. They operate outside the constructs of the nation-state, and therefore can neither be trusted nor feared. They will just as happily watch you die a slow death from a neutron bombing as they would sit on your lap and emit their coy, heartless purring. But you already knew this, citizen.
So to review: fear sandwiches, beards, and strange hamburgers. Stock up on bottled water and eschew the condoms, since you’ll need none in a world dependent on your seed for repopulation when you emerge from your plastic sheeting bunker.
The Lee Corso Skin Tone Watch is now at TANGELO.Be advised that Lee Corso’s skin tone is dangerously artificial this month, which means you should stay inside and avoid contact with the air, soil, and water–just like Nick Saban does.
*DHS Employees excepted.
**What if I have a beard and also have a dog? This a trick question, because you are clearly a terrorist if you have a beard, and are NOT head of DHS. Turn yourself into local DHS offices immediately, or attempt shaving. If all the hair comes off cleanly, you are clearly not a terrorist. Apply aftershave of choice and go forth, citizen.
Our blogpoll for week two. Now containing 10 percent less bullshit thanks to actual football.
| Rank | Team | Delta |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Southern Cal |  25 |
| 2 | LSU | 24 |
| 3 | Oklahoma | 23 |
| 4 | West Virginia | 22 |
| 5 | Florida | 21 |
| 6 | California | 20 |
| 7 | Georgia | 19 |
| 8 | Wisconsin | 18 |
| 9 | Virginia Tech | 17 |
| 10 | Nebraska | 16 |
| 11 | Louisville | 15 |
| 12 | Georgia Tech | 14 |
| 13 | Texas | 13 |
| 14 | Oregon | 12 |
| 15 | Ohio State | 11 |
| 16 | Boston College | 10 |
| 17 | Missouri | 9 |
| 18 | Penn State | 8 |
| 19 | Tennessee | 7 |
| 20 | Texas A&M | 6 |
| 21 | Auburn | 5 |
| 22 | Texas Tech | 4 |
| 23 | Hawaii | 3 |
| 24 | Washington | 2 |
| 25 | Colorado | 1 |
Notes. Clarifications. Horrid misjudgments.
Slaves to fashion. And reason, mind you: Michigan drops out completely and totally. They’ve surrendered to their fate for the moment, Space Emperor Zoltan and all.
Play someone, you get preference. Unless you’re USC and Florida. Who both may be horribly overrated in this poll, along with West Virginia. Yet we did the best we could to balance the prejudice of past success (Florida, USC) and hype (WVU and Louisville) with actually playing someone in week one. Cal receives the biggest bump, though their defense shows ominous generosity, for playing a frisky Tennessee team. Tennessee acquitted themselves well, so thus do not fall too far in the polls, either.
T. Boone only flies invisible platinum jets flown by Linda Carter. Even to road losses.Ditto for Georgia, who didn’t get enough general huzzah-ing for their tidy disposal of Oklahoma State and the invisible platinum plane they flew in on piloted by D.B. Cooper and Wonder Woman. (T. Boone pays for nothing but the best.) Georgia Tech gets moderate huzzah-ing for playing in a potentially tough venue, though Notre Dame may be worse than anyone, anyone anticipated. While we’re covering our SEC homerism here, Auburn–who we had unranked–sneaks in the 20s for playing an erratic but potentially good Kansas State team.
The Aigggh’s of Texas are upon us. A 21-13 game against Arkansas State should send jitters through the voting populace. The linebackers really are a problem, and the one bailout factor Texas has relied on for the past two years, the unstoppable power spread they’ve been running since VY year two, stuttered with Colt McCoy mistakes. Rust or deep decay will be diagnosed over the next three weeks.
Honoraria, impending fluctuation, and hat tips. At this point in the season, build no foundations in a poll–the ground is practically liquid, as Michigan so aptly (or ineptly) demonstrated. So no griping about big swings, since we’re happy to be Mr. Manic Depressive at this point in the year.
Fluctuation will reign in the bottom half of the poll, too: Washington gets the nod for the new-look offense and the auspicious debut of Jake Locker (huge offensive line, too), Colorado played extremely well in a perpetually underrated rivalry game against CSU, and Oklahoma, Texas Tech, Hawaii, and Nebraska all get bumps of varying degree for laying waste to opponents and the cities they once called home, but may now carry in a small ziploc baggie. Again, events of this week have made the gimme games and the blowouts they spawn seem slightly more significant, since losing is now an evident option.
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Hug that man. We’re not gonna do it, but still… Bobby Bowden says he’s never seen the Seminoles play worse, meaning he really hasn’t been paying attention: the Wake Forest game last year was far more awesome. Did we say awesome? We meant to say astonishingly incompetent. Which is awesome. Jimbo Fisher described the Florida State offense as “unorganized chaos.” Anyone who expected to see a 40 point-dropping Wehrmacht from day one was delusional in principle: teams take time to congeal properly on both sides of the ball. However, given the “rat-trapping” and other crapulent play by a very young FSU offense, just flat-out delusional (no principles attached) may also be considered a proper description. What, you can’t eat eagle? Deuteronomy is weird. Rocky Top Talk proves once again that we weren’t paying a skint of attention in CCD by informing us that even if we were going to play Southern Mississippi this year, the Bible forbids eating eagle (and bat–what, no bat? Heathenism has its advantages, dear reader. And if you’re not going to finish your bat, we’ll eat it…) Fortunately the Gators will be stuffing the Trojans this Saturday. Pretty much what we imagine young college -age athletes doing every Saturday night anyway, actually. Again, thanks to Michigan for making sure other megaprograms are properly scared shitless and violent come Saturday. His handlebar mustache most disrespects you. Pat Hill, talking shit from the WAC. “Whenever you get speed against a Big Ten team,†Hill said, “you’ve got a chance to win.†It is also fair to say that whenever you get a Pat Hill-coached team in the 21st century WAC, you stand exactly zero chance of winning the WAC. No, Saban’s eyes really are glowing. Via RTR: please visit Gump4Heisman’s SEC Far Sides, if only for this one. Do your dance, bald fat man. A Memphis Tiger fan’s prognosticating skills may stink, but feel the contagion of his joy with the little dance at the end. Coach Ed Orgeron later tracked this man down after the game, had him smoked and candied, and will feed on him at his leisure throughout the 2007 season.
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
Comments? Questions? Long strings of profanities directed at something we said? Please send your comments to harumphharumph -a- yahoo -dot- com. Please direct all tailgating photos and stories to edsbsfans -a- gmail -dot- com.
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