Everyday Should Be Saturday

August 31, 2007

OPENING WEEKEND: THE ORDER OF BUSINESS

Press play to hear precisely what our brain sounds like right now.


MP3 File

Proceed.

Things are about to get extremely hectic around here. A three day weekend with a sprawling slate of football games (summarized so well here by Hannibal) requires some serious organization and planning. Therefore, the EDSBSOOB (order of business) over the holiday weekend will be as follows:

Saturday: At Taco Mac in Decatur from 12 to 4ish. Orson will have a great red beard and an EDSBS shirt on, and could possibly be covered in the blood of victory. This is often and easily confused with Buffalo wing sauce, of course, but do not be mistaken. War is hell. People die. Stuff happens.

Sunday: Spot rundown of Saturday to be posted with all due haste, along with picture of sad Big Red, the Western Kentucky mascot. PLUS!!! EDSBS Live! online radio, which is our first Sunday edition of EDSBS Live from 7:00 p.m. to 9:00 p.m. EST, where you can curse with impunity and be the first demand your coach’s firing. Guests will join us of a mysterious and impressive nature.

Monday: Extremely light posting–essential deaths, injuries, and major conflagrations covered as needed. Heading at night to Clemson for the Florida State game, where we win either way thanks to someone named Bowden losing.

Tuesday: Posting with extreme fury and frequency. “Buys and Sells” returns, this time with guest editor Hannibal Montegna taking the bulk of the Stranko role in our discussion of who deflated/ballooned their value over the weekend of action. Stranko, in between earning an unholy assbeating from us for posting Jenn Sterger pics, may live to chime in from time to time. May.

We’ll also have pics and some WOOOO!TV from the Clemson tailgate. Given that Clemson is located in South Carolina, we may be forced to ask Miss America-style questions about the fate of the world to drunk tailgaters. This will yield positive results, we’re sure.

Hydrate. Stretch. Enjoy. This is college football. Cue James Wright, the strains of “O Fortuna” by Carl Orff, and blow the goddamn whistle. It’s sturm und drang time, people, and we’ve got our Siegfried helmet polished up and ready to go.

Autumn Begins In Martins Ferry, Ohio

In the Shreve High football stadium,
I think of Polacks nursing long beers in Tiltonsville,
And gray faces of Negroes in the blast furnace at Benwood,
And the ruptured night watchman of Wheeling Steel,
Dreaming of heroes.

All the proud fathers are ashamed to go home.
Their women cluck like starved pullets,
Dying for love.

Therefore,
Their sons grow suicidally beautiful
At the beginning of October,
And gallop terribly against each other’s bodies.



Filed under: All-Conference, College football, i do cocaine!  by Orson Swindle

HEY, MA–BOOM!!!

If you missed last night’s horrible intersection of angle, momentum, and potential energy made kinetic in dramatic fashion during the LSU/MSU game, you haven’t now. Watch as Brandon Lafell extirpates Zach Smith in the third quarter. Feel free to stand at your desk, jump up and down while shaking your arms back and forth, and scream “DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYUUUUUUUM!!!!”

Your boss will totally understand. Or will fire you. Either way you win: it’s still college football season. (HT: Those brave, brave men at Mississippi State Sports Blog.)



Filed under: Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Southeastern Conference, hangovers of staggering intensity, shit!, violence rules  by Orson Swindle

CURIOUS INDEX, 8/31/07

Does Type O Negative need a new lead singer?

11/28 120 0 6…and thar’s Michael Henig’s line for last night’s 45-0 loss to Louisiana State. After the first half, the only real entertainment lay in waiting out of sheer malice to see what level of torture Croom would deem acceptable under the terms of the Geneva Convention. Thanks to last night, we now know that you may torment your qb to the extent of exactly six interceptions thrown into coverage without hope, separation from your receivers, or a prayer. Donald Rumsfeld called Henig’s treatment in Croom’s offense “harsh.”

Croom rhymes with doom. He’s an offensive coach whose offense makes the baby Jesus weep and that Steve Spurrier develops contact dermatitis to if you merely mention it. Kentucky’s defense describes them as “bitches.” He let Michael Henig die, then die some more, and then really begin the dying again. Last night, the announcers described next week’s matchup versus Tulane as “a must win.” He’s fired, fired, fired. Formalities describe the rest of the season.

It’s gumbo. You should like it. There wasn’t as much sandbagging as the announcing team said there was, but Gary Crowton’s new LSU offense reeked of the same odds ‘n ends stew he peddled at Oregon and BYU: power run sets, bites from the Urban Meyer spread option at Utah that thrashed Crowton’s BYU team in ‘04 for fifty, and plenty of what Irishoutsider called “give the ball to fast guy, pray for YAC, FB dive, and when in doubt, screen or jet sweep because thats what the cool kids do.” As the header says: it’s Gumbo, you should like it, LSU fans! AIIIEEEEE!!!

When it faces a defense that just stays home and blitzes judiciously, however, you may consider requesting a change of dish…especially if the suddenly mobile Matt Flynn takes an injury and leaves LSU in the hands of Ryan “Grits ‘n Gravy” Perriloux, who if you’ll notice did NOT see playing time until the 21 point spread was well beyond exceeded.

Suck it, Houston Nutt!!! Tulsa, using the no-huddle attack Gus Malzahn wanted to install at Arkansas, passed 31 times for 307 yards in a 35-17 victory over the tenacious University of Lousiana Warhawks. 31 times, Nutt. Take that, troglodyte! We could have been gods, I tell you—GODS!!!

You’ve been…shoulder-fucked! YEAH YEAH YEAH!!!

Welcome back, Brian Johnson. Here’s a separated shoulder for ya. Brian Johnson, fresh off the latest AC/DC Wifebreaker tour enjoyed his reward for all the hard work he did coming back off an injury year in the game against Oregon State: a separated shoulder (two weeks) and a 24-7 loss to the very serious-looking Beavers. Playing two ineffective quarterbacks matters not when Yvenson Bernard is busy working his way into your 2008 NFL Fantasy team’s tenth round “Why the Fuck Not?” slot with 165 yards to start the season. Utah also lost their starting running back for the season, so they’re obviously skipping with delight at with how this whole thing has started.

Phil Trautwein is the opposite of healthy. Florida’s starting LT Phil Trautwein has a stress fracture in his left foot, forcing a severe rejiggering of the Florida line to the youngish side: redshirt junior Jason Watkins will move to LT, Carlton Medder to RT, and true frosh Maurkice Pouncey will start at RG. That’s true freshman Maurkice Pouncey. Not even the delight of his spelled name can dispel our horror at this news.




Filed under: Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Mid Major Conferences, Pacific 10 Conference, Southeastern Conference, and that is tough titties for you  by Orson Swindle

FRIDAY CHEESECAKE: PISSING OFF SWINDLE EDITION

I’ve known señor Swindle since around 1992. I like the guy. Really, I do. But sometimes he needs a little tweaking now and again. On that score, we bring you Orson’s least favorite cheesecake option of all time to celebrate the end of the offseason when we desperately need the weekly distractions. Without further ado, EDSBS’s Friday Cheesecake is the distinctly non-latin, silicon-filled, college football lovin’, Bobby Bowden worshiping Jen Sterger.

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Filed under: Cheesecake, HA-ha., bloviating, boobs, really doesn't care about football., wrong doesn't describe our wrongness, you've been musbergered  by Stranko Montana

DAILY AFFIRMATION: DAY 1



Filed under: Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football  by Orson Swindle

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