MO' WEEK ONE CUPCAKES: PART TWO
by Orson on Aug 29, 2007 12:54 PM EDT
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PrintContinuing our survey of week one cupcakes teams are playing in lieu of actual competition.
1. Youngstown State.
Playing: Ohio State
Mascot: Pete and Penny Penguin, who break the mold for mascoting by not only being a rare paired mascot, but by being flightless birds. Unfortunately, both are dying due to global warming, and will transfer to the University of Nunavut next year. (Actually, the university has tried twice to bring live penguins to live in a habitat on site, but like polar bears, Michigan fans, and the elderly, they cannot adapt to the climate of Ohio.)
Stadium differential: 81,568
The line: No line. Again, a great sign.
Beating best described as: Clint Eastwood disconnecting Hilary Swank's lines in Million Dollar Baby: a humane and compassionate death at the hands of a good friend. Or family, actually--Youngstown State is coached by Jon Heacock, brother of Ohio State defensive coordinator Jim Heacock. YSU was also the home of Jim Tressel from 1986--2000, where he won 135 games and won several D-1AA championships. In other words: they're cozy, and Ohio State will shut down the offense once they reach a digit of respectable decisiveness (28 points? 90 points? Being a Florida fan, we have no idea what this number would be.)
The only possible scenario for a real thirty to forty point assbranding here would be Tressel, enraged by his team's embarrassment at the hands of Florida, to come out in a black sweatervest and goatee and destroy his former employer, thus demonstrating a true barbarian loves not friends, but only the sword and the swift and inescapable talons of sweet death. This is unlikely, but would make our Saturday.
2. Florida International.
Playing: Penn State.
Mascot: The Panther. Roarrrrgh.
Stadium differential: Considering that FIU shares the Orange Bowl with UM, not as big as you might think: 34,863. (In fact, Florida International gets the final game at the Orange Bowl, not the 'Canes, something we attribute to A'Mod Ned claiming the place for himself last year during the FIU/UM brawl. It's really his to share or not, depending on how he feels.)
The line: Penn by 38.5
Beating best described as: Nikolay Valuev punching you in the face until you die. Florida International brings in a young head coach, Mario Cristobal, to get his first taste of being thoroughly and completely overmatched. They return the nation's fourth best passing defense, which would be tasty happy news if Penn State needed to pass in this game. They don't: PSU will run the ball at will on FIU with Austin Scott and the beefy Nittany Lion line and sandbag much of what they have in the playbook for next week. Morelli may give a gasp or two early by handing an easy pick over to FIU's secondary, but if this surprises Penn State fans by now, we have other news for you: Richard Simmons sleeps with men.
As for FIU as plucky little Joe...Sure, there's a cut man in the corner, but you won't need him. Cut men can't help you dodge fists the size of an Ottoman coming at your head at ninety miles an hour. Soda Popinski wants his due, and he will suck if from your broken skull with a straw if he has to.
3. Western Michigan.
Playing: West Virginia
Mascot: A particularly demonic-looking Bronco. Fear his lidless eyes, rider.
Stadium differential: 29,900
The line: 23.5. Damn near competitive, we say!
Beating best described as: Sensei Teaches Student A Noble Lesson Of Pride And Humility. Sensei is fast--oh, holy smoking hell is he fast. And Student is talented--oh, yes, most talented, with an 8-5 record in the MAC, a bowl appearance in the International Bowl, and veteran Bill Cubit taking a promising second turn through a surprisingly talented Directional Michigan school.
And for a quarter, perhaps, the plan will work, as it usually does for a quarter or so. Student may land a field goal, reaching through the defense--well played!, says Sensei. He may intercept a poorly thrown ball, or perhaps stifle a rusty option game for a series or two. Most impressive! says Sensei. Or most likely, Western Michigan will find a hole in the ever-risk-friendly 3-3-5 and do what most teams do at one point to WVU: burn them for a long touchdown.
And then, student, a certain cold fire will alight in Sensei's eyes. This means he is now "aware;" this is a metaphysical term, meaning he has become sensitive to the changing demands of the situation. Feel joy, Student! You are about to learn!
And by learning, we mean that Sensei is about to whip your motherfucking ass.
Oh, and you are not prepared for the definitive, nutpummeling, teeth-shattering, fistfeast of an asswhipping you will get from Sensei. It could be from Pat White meowing in your direction as he gets to the edge for a 70 yard td, or from Owen Schmitt splitting you in two on the dive keeper. It may also be Steve Slaton stripping you of your gi, and leaving you naked in the street for all to mock, Student. Oh, and Sensei will laugh at your sodden underwear, Student, because even Sensei's humiliation is instructive, and will remind you to always wash whites with just a hint of bleach for extra whiteness in case just this thing happens.
It will be fast. It will likely be a thirty point burst or so. And then, it will be over, and you must thank Sensei for his kindness, in addition to getting him a fresh Asahi from the refrigerator immediately.
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Dammit, people—there’s more! They’re all over the place goddammit! CUPCAKES ARE TOO NUMEROUS FOR ONE POST!!!
by Orson Swindle on Aug 29, 2007 1:06 PM EDT reply actions
As Sensei laughs, he humiliates you more, throwing your gi into a nearby couch fire.
by Digital Headbutt on Aug 29, 2007 1:07 PM EDT reply actions
I woulda thought YSU would have been sued by now for having a mascot that is a Chilly Willy Rip off.
by Brian on Aug 29, 2007 1:09 PM EDT reply actions
Yes, when will Georgia Tech be featured?
by Shane MacGowan's Teeth on Aug 29, 2007 1:10 PM EDT reply actions
Mark Mangino is furious that you have again misled him with the title of this post.
by Oops Pow Surprise on Aug 29, 2007 1:15 PM EDT reply actions
Brian,
Does that make the female YSU mascot – Chilly Oh Will She!
by GamecockTony on Aug 29, 2007 1:19 PM EDT reply actions
Steve Slaton just scored a touchdown. He’s really, really good.
by Edsall is God on Aug 29, 2007 1:19 PM EDT reply actions
Mmmm… Asahi, one of my favorite Canadian beers.
If I were still in cahoots with gamblers, I would point to Western Michigan vs West By God as my crazy pick. A good MAC team can surprise you if you are careless, and become the Dog of the Day.
by PJ from NU in SF on Aug 29, 2007 1:20 PM EDT reply actions
- - as is Ralph Friedgen. We were told there would be punch and real cupcakes, sir.
by Signal to Noise on Aug 29, 2007 1:21 PM EDT reply actions
feed the beast, orson. feed the gaping maw with content. yet its hunger will only grow. moreso now it is college football eve.
by kleph on Aug 29, 2007 1:24 PM EDT reply actions
Pat White is skilled with the five point palm-exploding heart technique.
by CouchBurnin'Girl on Aug 29, 2007 1:25 PM EDT reply actions
Nikolay Valuev = third harry and the hendersons picture in a month
by gerry dorsey on Aug 29, 2007 1:26 PM EDT reply actions
What about the Saban’s playing Wetern Car.? It is not the tide anymore it is the Saban’s. How come to Ala. to play for Saban not the Univ.
by Prothro's Good Leg on Aug 29, 2007 1:29 PM EDT reply actions
What about the Saban’s playing Wetern Car.? It is not the tide anymore it is the Saban’s. You come to Ala. to play for Saban not the Univ.
by Prothro's Good Leg on Aug 29, 2007 1:29 PM EDT reply actions
Orson, you must calm yourself. Remember: you are dealing with football fans. Patience is not one of our virtues. If we have any at all.
As the sensei of as all, Steven Orr, once said: Yeah….Click-Clack.
by ctgarric on Aug 29, 2007 1:31 PM EDT reply actions
Randy Shannon is not swayed by your promises of sugary baked goods.
Unless, of course, it’s shaped like a certain football player on crutches.
by Digital Headbutt on Aug 29, 2007 1:32 PM EDT reply actions
FIU is going to win the Sun Belt this year – who else has a Hall of Famer at running back?
by Jerkwheat on Aug 29, 2007 1:37 PM EDT reply actions
With A’Mod Ned being named to the Deadspin Hall of Fame, is this a letdown for FIU?
Secondly, Tressel never runs up the score. If there was a line, tOSU wouldn’t cover because he doesn’t want to embarrass YSU. If it gets ugly scorewise, it will be because of pick 6’s or fumbles returned.
by Crabapple Buck on Aug 29, 2007 1:40 PM EDT reply actions
Yea true, we all forgot, he’s such a humanitarian and sportsman. (fart noise).
by Brian on Aug 29, 2007 1:42 PM EDT reply actions
- - U La La vs. Sakerlina? I think they meant games only featuring ONE cupcake.
by Chili on Aug 29, 2007 1:47 PM EDT reply actions
why did (fart noise) make me laugh so hard?? even a fart noise in text form is hilarious when you’re as immature as me i guess.
by gerry dorsey on Aug 29, 2007 1:48 PM EDT reply actions
Paterno is on record as being “scared to death” of this game. He’s already in mid-season form.
Paterno “death/BRAINS” joke in 3…2…1…
by Run Up The Score on Aug 29, 2007 1:51 PM EDT reply actions
Also, the WVU/WMU section is the funniest thing I’ve read in quite some time. Well played, sir.
by Run Up The Score on Aug 29, 2007 1:56 PM EDT reply actions
both Penn football fans just said “harumph”, put on their “Not Penn State” t-shirts, and are now sending Orson nasty email.
by Paternover on Aug 29, 2007 2:13 PM EDT reply actions
Anybody worth the smelly pocket of quarters in their Jams knows that Soda Popinski is the helmet-wearing retard nephew of Vodka Drunkenski. Sack up Swindle and respect the real big man of Russian violence, who coincidently has a magnificent moustache.
by Allahver Fist on Aug 29, 2007 2:19 PM EDT reply actions
Chili – #22 – feel free to reuse the punchline from my joke yesterday. That’s how the Clemson Tigers (Auburn) roll in Death Valley (LSU).
Simpsons did it!
by Out of Conference on Aug 29, 2007 2:19 PM EDT reply actions
You guys are assholes. I was looking up sweet cupcakes on yahoo, and came across this shit. That is flagrent false advertising of the highest degree
by charlieweis on Aug 29, 2007 2:20 PM EDT reply actions
Why is Penn State playing against an airport?
by RedDevilEA on Aug 29, 2007 2:45 PM EDT reply actions
Re: Nikolay Valuev – I thought they had weight classes in boxing! Perhaps a yokozuna would be a little better opponent.
by beast in 'bama on Aug 29, 2007 3:00 PM EDT reply actions
I will drink myself into oblivion if FIU puts any points on the board.
by PSUrob on Aug 29, 2007 3:02 PM EDT reply actions
- Chilly Willy? Looks more like Tennessee Tuxedo to me.
by yoyofutbawl on Aug 29, 2007 3:19 PM EDT reply actions
God, that was funny. Thanks Baghead, er.. Swindle!
by ALGator on Aug 29, 2007 3:49 PM EDT reply actions
You guys are rounding into shape as the season appraoches. Very nice work.
by LSUFan on Aug 29, 2007 3:56 PM EDT reply actions
More pastry goodness!
That WVU game is going to be like a track meet with no track.
by BDoc on Aug 29, 2007 4:00 PM EDT reply actions
I’ve mentioned this before, but most tOSU fans are disgusted with YSU being our first FCS/1-AA opponent in the modern era.
I don’t want cupcakes. I know tOSU will be trading home dates with USC (West), Miami, Cal, VT, and OU (Dust Region) starting next year, but the ’07 slate is bullshit. Each “traditional power” should play a tough non-conference game every year, with no FCS teams in sight. Doing so should warrant a Pink Trophy of Shame and ineligibility from the Sears Crystal Thingy.
I do think the Huskies upset the Buckeyes in Seattle this year.
by Jorgé the Bass Player on Aug 29, 2007 6:22 PM EDT reply actions
// I do think the Huskies upset the Buckeyes in Seattle this year. //
Wow, really? That’ll earn Ty a new set of irons.
by Run Up The Score on Aug 29, 2007 8:43 PM EDT reply actions
Do you think Penny Penguin is frigid? Pete doesn’t look too happy…
by Touchdown74 on Aug 29, 2007 9:55 PM EDT reply actions
I can only hope that WVU thinks that WMU is a cupcake….
Can you even name the QB at WMU? Lead the nation in QB rating two years ago as a true freshmen??? Yeah…..
by douchebagalert on Aug 30, 2007 12:27 AM EDT reply actions
22, I don’t read all your comments so apologies if I repeated something you said in the past. I’ll make sure to stick to you like white on rice so I never again rip off any of your trademarked quips.
About the Auburn and LSU thing (we were Death Valley first, btw, they were “Deaf Valley”), I don’t see your point. Every high school in the country ran through fire extinguishers before Sakerlina did it.
by Chili on Aug 30, 2007 10:00 AM EDT reply actions
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