Orson Swindle rummages around the EDSBS Bunker, flashlight and can of Pine-Sol in hand.

OS: Shit, we need to clean up around here. Old “Punt Bama Punt!” bumper stickers…an autographed Cecil Collins crowbar…Jesus, it’s like haven’t cleaned in here since the Poulan Weed Eater Bowl—

AAAAAAIIIIIGGGH!! What the fuck, Galoshes? You know we hate it when you sneak up on us like that.

Galoshes McGillicuddy, the Gold-Lusting Whoremouthed Leprechaun of Glories Past : OI HOI, Swindle! I NEED DAT GOLD, N*****!!!

OS: You’ve been spending too much time in Alabama, Galoshes. What’s up?

Galoshes: Fuck yo’ couch! All the gold be in the hands of Saban, and he guards it with a dragon. Burnt me motherfuckin’ hands to rare filets, it did!

OS: Those…those need medical attention, Galoshes. What are you doing here?

Galoshes: What I do best, Swindle. Bring ye the down ‘n durrty on me old boys, The Foightin’ Irish.

OS: (takes out Inserection receipt and old red crayon.) We’re listening.

Galoshes: Don’t gimme that “we” shit, punk! I NEED DAT GOLD N****!!!

OS: Those hands…is that what that smell is? By the way, I have no gold.

Galoshes: Nevermind me hands! Then fifteen thousand in doubloons then, Swindle, for what ye seek to know…

OS: I will give you a dollar fifty and you will tell me, or I will spray you with Pine-Sol until you leave or die a lemony, horrible death.

Galoshes: Demetrius Jones is the starting quarterback against Georgia Tech, boy-o. You need ask no more. NOW GIMME DAT PAPER OR POP GOES THE WEASEL BITCH!!!

OS: (Sprays Pine-Sol on Galoshes’ red, swollen hands. Cries of agony ensue.)

Galoshes: Meant to say: you’re welcome, sirrah.

OS: No problem. How’d you find this out?

Galoshes: Oh, I have mah ways with Charlie, ya know.

OS: Say no more. Seriously. I don’t want to…

Galoshes: No, really, it’s fascinatin’, see? First I gets me lucky ball gag…then I–AAAAIIIIGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!

OS: (Sprays Pine-Sol, dials 911.)

One source is here. We confirmed this with Galoshes, who’s as good a source as you can imagine.

P.S. And here. Facebook, again!

The winner of this year’s Fulmer Cup for the Most Feloniously Frisky College Football Team is…

…Illinois, who rode the diligent efforts of Jody Ellis and Derrick McPhearson to victory in this year’s competition. (Yes, they were dismissed from the team. Good for them. But they were on the team at the time this happened.) This means the solid gold AK-47 Dennis Erickson Trophy Sponsored by Hosea Williams’ Bail Bonds Fulmer Cup Trophy now makes the long trip from Huntington, West Virginia to Champaign-Urbana, Illinois, where it will reside in a local Arby’s until next year’s competition.

Illinois went up by a huge score early and then fell into a soft zone, nearly allowing the competition to catch them (as Penn State nearly did.) This sounds familiar to anyone with an understanding of [NAME REDACTED]’s NFL-tested coaching philosophies. Yet Illinois got this on the cheap, we think–the points add up, but fine work by other programs deserves mention, as well.

The Ellis T. Jones Award Golden Taser for Individual Achievement goes to… Florida’s own Ronnie Wilson, who ensured that we’d get at least eighty annoying emails with the subject line “CHANGE THE NAME OF THE CUP, ASSHOLE” by firing off an AK-47 in downtown Gainesville, Florida. A nine-point offense pales in comparison to the award’s namesake, but sometimes merely discharging automatic weapons in front of horrified nightclub-goers is enough to get you the award.

The Golden Taser is yours, Ronnie. Use it well.

The Ben Siegert Award for most amusing arrest goes to Stephen Garcia, Gamecock rapscallion who keyed a visiting professor’s car in Columbia just weeks after arriving on campus and thus gave us this beautiful mug shot.

Chill, baby. Just chill.

With that, we feel obligated to mention that it, too, does not live up to stealing a gay sheep. Still, the Golden Ram With Leather Guy Hat goes to Mr. Garcia, who will be riding the bench for the Click Clacktacular one in Sakerlina this year.

Thanks as always to Brian, who maintained the board this year and is hung like Reggie Fuckin’ Nelson, and to the boys at SAS Wiki, who assisted with the scoring. Both were indispensable. Readers are owed thanks for their diligence as well: Tomek and Dave W. in particular deserve our thanks.

Georgia Tech quarterback Taylor Bennett has no illusions about his potential as an NFL starter. In fact, he’s preparing for life post-football already.

“I’d like to do something for the Department of Homeland Security, or maybe CIA,” Bennett said. “I don’t want to be like a secret undercover spy who goes around shooting people. But I’d like to be involved in operations abroad. The whole idea of clandestine services sounds interesting.”

Being a Georgia Tech quarterback in the Chan Gailey era actually seems to be superb prep work for being in the CIA: no one’s really sure of what you’re trying to do; you’re often unprotected and at constant risk of exposure; and when you make mistakes, they tend to be high-profile ones in extremely high-stakes environments. Sounds like the agency that brought you the Bay of Pigs and ruined the phrase “slam-dunk” to us.

If caught, we will deny your existence, agent.

Gailey, meanwhile, is getting damn near Charlie Weis-esque in creating drama where none exists by refusing to confirm whether freshman Josh Nesbitt will play against Notre Dame. Gailey gets passionate about one play and one play only: the quarterback draw, which is a bit like having a deep and unabiding passion for mayonnaise sandwiches. We’d bet our right kidney on Nesbitt, a talented runner, getting at least a few snaps to satisfy Gailey’s lust for the play and catch a ride on the Tebowleak/senior passer, freshman running qb duo-fad sweeping the nation.

Continuing our survey of week one cupcakes teams are playing in lieu of actual competition.

1. Youngstown State.

Playing: Ohio State

Mascot: Pete and Penny Penguin, who break the mold for mascoting by not only being a rare paired mascot, but by being flightless birds. Unfortunately, both are dying due to global warming, and will transfer to the University of Nunavut next year. (Actually, the university has tried twice to bring live penguins to live in a habitat on site, but like polar bears, Michigan fans, and the elderly, they cannot adapt to the climate of Ohio.)

Stadium differential: 81,568

The line: No line. Again, a great sign.

Beating best described as: Clint Eastwood disconnecting Hilary Swank’s lines in Million Dollar Baby: a humane and compassionate death at the hands of a good friend. Or family, actually–Youngstown State is coached by Jon Heacock, brother of Ohio State defensive coordinator Jim Heacock. YSU was also the home of Jim Tressel from 1986–2000, where he won 135 games and won several D-1AA championships. In other words: they’re cozy, and Ohio State will shut down the offense once they reach a digit of respectable decisiveness (28 points? 90 points? Being a Florida fan, we have no idea what this number would be.)

The only possible scenario for a real thirty to forty point assbranding here would be Tressel, enraged by his team’s embarrassment at the hands of Florida, to come out in a black sweatervest and goatee and destroy his former employer, thus demonstrating a true barbarian loves not friends, but only the sword and the swift and inescapable talons of sweet death. This is unlikely, but would make our Saturday.

2. Florida International. (more…)

Ahem. Be prepared to be totally wrong, college football fan. There are no pundits. (Except for Phil Steele. He’s a macheeeeen.)

Why? Because there was no possible way Chris Leak was going to win that game for Florida. None. He’s not that good, and never will be. There’s no anger in saying that, no resentment, and no bitterness. It’s just what he is, a statement made free of predjudice, irrational reasoning, and malice. Off the field, he’s everything you’d want a player to be: polite, a good citizen, and a dedicated member of the community. On the field, he’s Doug Johnson with slightly better wheels, and there’s three and a half years of game tape to prove it.

–EDSBS, 10/15/06. Brilliant stuff, there.