CUPCAKES: A SURVEY, WEEK ONE.

by Orson on Aug 28, 2007 12:21 PM EDT

1. Buffalo

Playing: Rutgers.

Mascot: Unimaginatively enough, the Bulls, just a letter different than the Bills. We'd like to think they were originally called the Bills, just like the pro team, to save on uniforms and promo, but someone made a typo and cost everyone a shitload of money in the process. Mavis Beacon could have saved you millions, sir!

Stadium differential: +12,497

The line: Rutgers by 32

Beating best described as: Cornerstore robbery gone wrong, but with the potential that Rutgers, the guy who's taken years of kung fu and hasn't gotten the chance to use it in a setting where he won't go to jail but is longing to put someone in a Mantis Devours Mate shoulder break, gets just that shot versus a jittery, sleep-deprived crackhead with an unloaded gun.

Rutgers only really got them rangs out for Howard last year (because they're racist. Look! I'm Terrence Moore!) in a 56-7 game. They beat Ohio 24-7, but Ohio made the MAC championship game, and certainly couldn't be put in the suck bin. Buffalo isn't even the cream of the mike.
This is a classic gasoline-soaked man meets toddler-holding-sparkler scenario in the making. Rutgers: 15th best rushing attack in the nation. Buffalo: 109th ranked rushing defense. Ray Rice should have a healthy boulder of rushing yards running downhill by the 2nd quarter. Buffalo should be under said boulder by then.

2. Murray State.

Playing: Louisville.

Stadium differential: +46,200

Mascot: The Racers, as in "Blood racing from gaping wounds all over my body WHYYYYYY???" Or racehorses.

The line: Louisville by 55.5

Beating best described as: Jericho meets the hand of God. An angry, bloody eyed Old Testament god waking up with a gin and red wine hangover with a chainsaw in one hand and an RPG in the other on a Monday morning.

Murray State went 1-10 last year in the OVC. Louisville was the Big East Champion, averaged 37 points a game, and returns Brian Brohm, Mario Urrutia, and Harry Douglas, all possible All-Americans at their positions. Louisville also, like a rampaging Val Kilmer at a bakery, displays no mercy on cupcakes: they beat Temple 62-0 in 2006, beheaded UNC 69-14 in 2005, and beat Cincinnati 70-7 in 2004.

We only ask that Kommandant Kragthorpe let the women, children, and Bryan Hardister's mustache out of the game intact. Surely a merciful victor would not harm such a thing of beauty.

3. Weber State.

Playing: Boise State.

Stadium differential: +13,000

Mascot: The Wildcats. As in feral cats, easily devoured by coyotes and shot with impunity by gas-huffing redneck teens.

The line: Boise by 41.5

Beating best described as: A swift, merciful decapitation. When they're over at Boise State at home, they're over fast, usually. Weber State went 4-7 last year in the Big Sky and is coming in with even less hope in the tank than Sacramento State did last year against Boise. They went on to lose 45-0, but were at least emotionally prepared for a rough second half by being down 25-0 at the half. Boise State is a merciful assassin, even if they plan to let the mob drag your body around for a few hours afterwards for a giggle.

4. Appalachian State.

Playing: Michigan.

Stadium differential: +90,851. That's all.

Mascot: The Mountaineers. As in the ones who get off K2 too late, hearing the roar of a howling blizzard ripping up from north face, and know death approaches them with its inexorable, frosty steps. Later, they will eat their companions quickly before they freeze solid to survive.

Seriously, this isn't as frightening as ASU's actual baby-eating mascot, whom you may remember from the HOT HOT HOT! video, or from one of the trippier sequences from a Bjork video.

AAAAAAIAIAIIIIIIGGGGHHHHH!!!!

The line: Michigan by 26.

Beating best described as: A tasteful but ultimately fatal caning of a bumptious bumpkin by a formidable gentleman of class and substance. Since Mike Debord is proud of his two offenses--the one that scores, and the one that doesn't--count on the one that does to appear for a quarter and a half or so before yielding to the Blob schemes designed to eat clock and get the hell out without injury. If Michigan hits thirty, just listen for the sound of the engine decelerating and the cruise control pinging on. They usually don't crest the 45 point mark against even the flimsiest of foes.

Appalachian State will assist in what will look like a closer game than actually was by being the most respectable D-1AA team around: national champs two years running and coached by Tom Osborne disciple and former Texas Tech coach Jerry Moore, ASU put in a 23-10 loss to Kansas in 2006 and a 24-0 loss to LSU in Baton Rouge. Both constitute Hall of Fame performances in the annals of cupcakery. No mere chocolate nightmare with sprinkles: ASU will be the all bran muffin with Splenda-flavored frosting you can feel slightly less ashamed of downing on a late night sugar binge.

5. Western Kentucky.

Playing: Florida.

Stadium differential: +69,409.

Mascot: Big Red. Who needs no fictional embellishment to emit an air of bemused but inescapable doom and pathos.

The line: None. Always a good sign.

Beating best described as: Butterbean lets Johnny Knoxville hit him first. Then Butterbean knocks Knoxville into a jewelry case and concusses him into oblivion. Western kept a first year starter off balance last year for at least a quarter against Georgia in Athens. They also benefitted from a brain-dead play on a punt return by Mikey Henderson, who threw the ball up in celebration before crossing the goal line, giving WKU a touchback and a few more minutes of stalling before the glacial talent differential crushed the Hilltoppers with geological certainty.

Florida cupcake games usually feature a few moments like this before Tebow and company hit three or four quick tds in a row and reduce the game to an academic exercise--an option fumble, a nervous first game pick, etc. Point totals could go through classless, Bowdenish, and into outright Spurrieresque by the time this ends: WKU gave up 48 to a hiccupy UGA team last year, and Florida's offense is hypertrophic with speed and talent. Order lightbulbs--the scoreboard will need them.

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Comments

Spud Cakes Dept:

USC plays the Idaho Vandals this Saturday. What is a “Vandal”? And, what is an “Idaho”? ( Don Imus probably knows.)

by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me on Aug 28, 2007 12:37 PM EDT reply actions

My Buckeyes get to put the mighty Penguins of Youngstown State in between the red ass we received in January last year and this year. Nothing like beating a deserted old “steel” town to make one feel like hope is renewed.

by dave on Aug 28, 2007 12:47 PM EDT reply actions

au contraire, mr. me…

stacy keibler may LUV you, but she rolls skin tight with me… good luck with that “feelings” issue you have…

“STACY!!!!! More capital T coming your way!!!!!!”

by Burt77 on Aug 28, 2007 12:47 PM EDT reply actions

Wow….no Western Carolina vs. Alabama? I realize we’re not very good this year, but surely our athletic department deserves ridicule for even scheduling a 2-9 Division II team…

by sandman227 on Aug 28, 2007 12:51 PM EDT reply actions

more pending…

by Orson Swindle on Aug 28, 2007 12:52 PM EDT reply actions

Is the early game mercy TD a UF-only phenomena? Or do other schools do similar things? I know a lot of schools will “allow” the garbage time TD, but does anyone else allow the early TD too?

by That 5.0 Guy (Now at Work!) on Aug 28, 2007 12:56 PM EDT reply actions

I had to read this in two takes. The Val Kilmer in a bakery line kinda gave me the giggles and I needed to take a walk around the office to compose myself before I got fired.

by Janus09 on Aug 28, 2007 12:57 PM EDT reply actions

As an App State alum, that hurts, cupcake? We were only down 10-0 AT LSU 2 years ago. Back to back 1AA Champs. They basically run the same O as the WVU Mountaineers.

by Mack10zie on Aug 28, 2007 12:57 PM EDT reply actions

Baby eating mascots you say…
http://mollysunshine.org/photos/WKU_Basketball_Game_012_Sized.jpg

by jakldawg on Aug 28, 2007 1:09 PM EDT reply actions

ECU converts for two in garbage time of the FC race.

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2007/football/ncaa/08/27/eastcarolina.dui.ap/index.html

by Cincy on Aug 28, 2007 1:11 PM EDT reply actions

This thread is puzzling – I thought it was about cupcakes playing cupcakes, but then you also listed the Michigan and Florida games.
/asshole off

by Out of Conference on Aug 28, 2007 1:15 PM EDT reply actions

Hmmm….cupcakes…

http://bp0.blogger.com/_od4j4_vyf3M/RbYc7QTLIJI/AAAAAAAAAAs/kqAZgkjm1fU/s1600-h/collette.jpg

by KT on Aug 28, 2007 1:26 PM EDT reply actions

Dear Murray State,

For the LOVE OF GOD, stay off the Cardinals logo. Don’t look at it. Don’t think about it. And for all that is holy in this world, do not step on it. If you jump on it, you might as well give your teammates a hug before the game and tell them you love them (and miss them when they’re away for a weekend) because you’ll never see them again.

Sincerely,
2004 Cincinnati Asscats.

by Edsall is God on Aug 28, 2007 1:34 PM EDT reply actions

LSU at Mississippi State should be the cupcake of the week. That game will be a beatdown of epic proportions, much like the previous five LSU-MSU games.

by fresh on Aug 28, 2007 1:42 PM EDT reply actions

The Wizards of Odds noted that Hawaii is favored by something obscene – 59.5 or something – over whatever school for the blind they’re playing this week. Dear God.

by Bullfrog on Aug 28, 2007 1:44 PM EDT reply actions

14 posts without any mention of the Mavis Beacon shout-out? For shame!

by Sting129 on Aug 28, 2007 1:49 PM EDT reply actions

Saban’s Hoochie Dept:

#12: KT: What in the world are you trying to do by sneaking in the mug shot picture of the drunk woman who smooched Saban right after he signed with ’Bama, after weeks of denying he would leave the Miami Dolphins, and then got arrested for a DUI right after the circus in Tusca-loser?

This is the sneakiest ’Bama thread-jack in the history of threadjacks.

by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me on Aug 28, 2007 1:52 PM EDT reply actions

“This is a classic gasoline-soaked man meets toddler-holding-sparkler scenario in the making. "
Phrases like that put you guys in BGS territory for writing brilliance. Kudos to you and your likely assumption that this is a backhanded compliment. Rest assured, from a domer, it is highest praise.

by Andrew on Aug 28, 2007 1:53 PM EDT reply actions

may i reccomend using a percentage or ratio stadium differential rather than just the numerical difference. it would explain how a 12k difference between rutgers and buffalo would actually be a pretty big jump.

by shaunlyons on Aug 28, 2007 1:54 PM EDT reply actions

Cupcake teams – a real piece of cake.

by Brian on Aug 28, 2007 1:54 PM EDT reply actions

Big Red = Funniest. Mascot. Ever.

by Palouse on Aug 28, 2007 1:55 PM EDT reply actions

Well he’s BIG BIG BIG.
and he’s RED RED RED.
and that’s how he came
to have the name…. BIG RED.

[warning, may irritate skin]

by panhandler on Aug 28, 2007 1:56 PM EDT reply actions

Stopped reading after the Terrance Moore line. There is 0% chance I’d have been able to stop laughing in order to continue.

by Hobnail_Boot on Aug 28, 2007 1:59 PM EDT reply actions

#13…. Edsall is God? Surely you jest. He just kicked off 5 more players yesterday for legally purchasing porno.

by Kim Philby on Aug 28, 2007 1:59 PM EDT reply actions

A mighty man from the land of Thor
Big Red!
Big Red!

You pour in the goop
In the helmet thing
But you better watch out
When you pull the string!
Big Red!
Big Red!
Big Red!

[Cleanup kit sold separately]

by Rival on Aug 28, 2007 2:00 PM EDT reply actions

A mighty man from the land of Thor
Big Red!
Big Red!

You pour in the goop
In the helmet thing
But you better watch out
When you pull the string!
Big Red!
Big Red!
Big Red!

Cleanup kit sold separately

by Rival on Aug 28, 2007 2:01 PM EDT reply actions

Fresh,

31-13 “a beatdown of epic proportions?” (2002). For christsakes, if you use that logic, Ohio State can be considered a cupcake to UF fans.

by MiseanAUfan on Aug 28, 2007 2:04 PM EDT reply actions

22 -

Again, I will not tolerate the besmirching of Coach Randy Edsall (unless he loses this week to Duke). Edsall has gone overboard with suspensions and such because of the fallout of Jim Calhoun’s punishments. You know, when the starting point guard gets arrested for stealing laptops but can come back in time for Big East play because Calhoun thinks he can win a title but the other guy gets suspended for the whole year? Yeah, Calhoun took a little heat for that. Now Edsall goes crazy.

UConn 38, Duke -7.

by Edsall is God on Aug 28, 2007 2:05 PM EDT reply actions

So where does Ga. Tech fall on the cupcake scale?

by Wooderson on Aug 28, 2007 2:13 PM EDT reply actions

I really enjoyed the stadium differential stat. If I was a betting man, I would use that stat for conference opponents

by Brian on Aug 28, 2007 2:13 PM EDT reply actions

27… This afternoon a two UConn football players were caught smiling during practice. Edsall promptly dismissed them from the program citing team rules violations.

Is Edsall taking UConn back to I-AA because he will be back to 63 scholarship players before long.

by Kim Philby on Aug 28, 2007 2:17 PM EDT reply actions

#28
You probably shouldn’t get beat by your “cupcake”

by bhors on Aug 28, 2007 2:27 PM EDT reply actions

Burt77 – Nice Kenison reference. I pity the fool who don’t want more capital T.

by Unhappy Monkey on Aug 28, 2007 2:29 PM EDT reply actions

You might want to order some IV drips as well for that time change from 6pm to 12:30pm. Fortunately, I’ll be at home utilizing my A/C and vodka IV setup.

by BDoc on Aug 28, 2007 2:29 PM EDT reply actions

As they are only 2.5 point underdogs I would go so far as to say “Ding Dong filled with Rat Poison wrapped in barbed wire…”

by Janus09 on Aug 28, 2007 2:34 PM EDT reply actions

- I believe that Hawaii is playing backup punter stabby university. Surely the triumphant return of said stabbed punter would give the team the emotional lift that they would need to keep it closer then 60….maybe not.

by kingpants on Aug 28, 2007 2:44 PM EDT reply actions

Does Harold Arceneaux have any eligibility left?

by Boy Howdy on Aug 28, 2007 2:46 PM EDT reply actions

“Florida cupcake games usually feature a few moments like this … an option fumble, a nervous first game pick, etc.”

This is how I have the most fun as an outsider attending UF games. I always laugh because the frat boys and clueless chicks get SO UPSET when Leak throws an accidental interception or fails to get a first down on the opening drive. They act like the season is over. Haha!

I’ll be there this Saturday to see if the trend continues.

by Tim on Aug 28, 2007 2:52 PM EDT reply actions

re: Murray St. warned not to jump on the Cardinal logo

In the 70-7 shellacking of Cincy by UL a couple of years ago, Louisville only had 19 minutes of offensive possession. Fairly amazing beatdown of a rival.

For other evidence of not jumping on logo, see 31-7 against Miami last year, 59-14 (i think) of Rutgers 2 years ago, etc, etc.

Of course, Bobby Petrino, the Death Star of College Football (registered trademark of EDSBS), is gone, along with his Oppressing Cloud of Smug.

by jon on Aug 28, 2007 2:52 PM EDT reply actions

Penn State (-38) vs. the Fightin’ It Up Golden Panthers. Naturally, the beating is best described as a cold, blunt soup ladel digging into the back of FIU skulls as their bodies twitch, ’cause BRAINS are better fresh.

by Run Up The Score on Aug 28, 2007 3:10 PM EDT reply actions

1. Rival, Panhandler +1

2. “First you bring home a dog, then a cat, then…exactly what ARE you?”
“Da-aaad!”

3. That Hawaii game will be just brutal…I mean, Thulsa Doom-beheads-Conan’s-mom brutal. June Jones will run it up until the middle of the fourth quarter, trying to get Heisman and poll votes. 80-7 is my prediction.

by diamondm on Aug 28, 2007 3:20 PM EDT reply actions

Wooderson – spot on. I can’t think of any team playing a bigger cupcake than Ga Tech faces in week one.

by I hate leprechauns on Aug 28, 2007 3:30 PM EDT reply actions

Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.

by Coop on Aug 28, 2007 3:47 PM EDT reply actions

37 – real fans tend to get upset when their team makes mistakes, regarless of the game or opponent

by Lumpkin rhymes with Blumpkin on Aug 28, 2007 4:14 PM EDT reply actions

Hawaii should go after the all-time margin of victory record. I believe its 222 points.

by Razorback Fan on Aug 28, 2007 4:29 PM EDT reply actions

Couple things, as I do my usual “chime in at the end of the thread”:

1. Glad JMU didn’t make this list for their game @ Carolina, though I guess no one’s a cupcake for the Heels.
2. Thanks for giving the UM-App State game at least a little respect. The Michigan bloggers have been killing the AD for scheduling that game (and if I had to pay for a ticket I’d be upset too), but I think midwesterners have an unneccessarily low opinion of 1-AA, due to the fact that they’re in the same region as the MAC. I honestly think most midwesterners think Eastern Michigan is better than a top 1-AA team. They are wrong.

by now_a_hoo on Aug 28, 2007 5:18 PM EDT reply actions

#43: Casual UF fans reacting to mistakes during cupcake games is a subtle difference to the normal upset feeling we enthusiasts get when our team screws up. I’m not quite sure how to describe it: perhaps the casual interest combines with the incredulous arrogance that UF made a mistake against the crappy team.

The way the girls react is especially interesting; it’s smiles and giggles until Leak throws an interception, and then it’s as if he had kicked their dog and called them a slut. The usual comment I hear is a whiny “What the hell?”

Maybe it’s just amusing because I never reacted in disbelief when Reggie Ball threw a bad pass. I’ll try to do some more research as I’m cheering on the Gators.

by Tim on Aug 28, 2007 5:19 PM EDT reply actions

the description of the angry god may be the best thing I’ve read here yet! I’ve had that hangover, and now I know that you have too.

by OhioDawg on Aug 28, 2007 5:49 PM EDT reply actions

No. 17:

“Tusca-loser”? That’s really fucking original. Even Auburn fans quit saying that shit about 40 years ago.

by Newspaper Hack on Aug 28, 2007 6:10 PM EDT reply actions

USC gave Arkansas one of those early mercy TD’s out in LA in 2005. Arkansas drove for a TD to tie up the game at 7-7 and then USC delivered the worst beatdown I’ve ever seen a team take. Ever.

by oc phil on Aug 28, 2007 7:11 PM EDT reply actions

No 17: Hack-Man: I thought the “Tusca-loser” remark was original with a bit of whimsy, but, what do I know, since I am from California and not very familiar with the ‘Bama-Auburn rivalry. Just that cow college Auburn has won the last five games or so in a row, and that ’Bama has won 3,332 MNC’s in college football and that ‘Bama made a spectacle of itself signing that mercenary Saban, who lies more than a dog with fleas or a politician running for office….but, at least ’Bama had the Bear, Namath and Stabler and its fans are not as bad as Notre Dame’s fans, well most of the time that is……

by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me on Aug 28, 2007 7:53 PM EDT reply actions

Just saw that Miss Teen South Carolina is going to Appalachian State. Despite her lack of brains, I’m pretty sure everyone at that school will be attempting to score with her rather than watching that game.

by Tim on Aug 28, 2007 7:56 PM EDT reply actions

Ms. South Carolina more than makes up for her lack of brains with her looks. She could be a TV news reader (anchor), NFL sideline reporter for ESPN or a regular on the View.

by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me on Aug 28, 2007 9:02 PM EDT reply actions

While the Bulls are quite feeble, they hung with #2 Auburn last year. It was 17-7 late in the 3rd. They ended up losing by 31, but you see my point. UB is going to surprise someone. It might not be this year, it might not be next year, but mark my words, they will surprise someone before the end of the 2027 season.

by erierd on Aug 28, 2007 9:53 PM EDT reply actions

is a little unfair. Georgia Tech probably expected a real life top 20 until the bowls are played opponent when they scheduled that game. Don’t punish the Jackets for their cupcake.

Also, the Terrence Morre impression was dead on.

by Chg on Aug 28, 2007 10:13 PM EDT reply actions

The USC-Idaho game is straight out of bizarro-land. To whit:

2000 – Nick Holt leaves job as Louisville defensive line coach to take gig with Pete Carroll and the USC Trojans

2003 – Now USC linebackers coach Nick Holt leaves the Trojans to take head coaching job at Idaho

2006 – January; USC and Idaho announce the Trojans will open at home against the Vandals in 2007. Nick Holt is instrumental in getting the game scheduled between the two schools, and the Idaho A.D. mentions the exposure both the Vandals football team and athletic department will receive

2006 – February; Holt resigns as Idaho coach to take an assistant job with the St. Louis Rams, but changes his mind when Pete Carroll offers him the defensive coordinator position at USC

2007 – Holt prepares to coach against his former team on Saturday, 9/1, in the L.A. Memorial Coliseum. Las Vegas has the Trojans as 42.5 point favorites over the Vandals.

Thanks, coach!

by Defender90 on Aug 29, 2007 12:38 AM EDT reply actions

I believe this was the theme behind my bumbling, stumbling, fumbling opening weekend of college football article and the fuel behind my BCSBusters Regular Season Bracketed Playoff for college football (A six part series). With the system I have proposed, we would start the season with conference play, thus , saving time in the regular season for the best of the best to square off in weeks 11 and 12 after the conference championships. Plus, many of these cream puff match-ups would occur anyway as part of the Holiday, NIT and Sportsmans Brackets. The BCS bracket would house the top 32 teams in the country determined by conference seeding (results of weeks 1-8 of the regular season). This would ultimately determine the bow participants -so – the benefit to college football would be the fact that we would essentially have the current system, but with a minor tweak enabling all of this to happen without the jaded polls, network smear campaigns and conference comparisons.

by BCSBusters on Aug 30, 2007 12:56 AM EDT reply actions