CHAD HENNE: JERKING UP FOR 2007
by Orson on Aug 28, 2007 2:24 PM EDT
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Lloyd Carr asks Chad Henne into his office. Henne sits down.
Carr: Henne. You need to jerk it up a little. (HT: Larry Brown Sports.)
Henne: Um, sir?
Carr: Jerk it up.
Henne: I...I don't do that sir. And isn't that a bit personal. I mean, I'll do anything for Michigan football, but I can't see how that'll win...(Blushes.)
Carr: Jesus, I'm not talking about badgering the witness.
Henne: Oh, heh. Sorry.
Carr: Burping the worm.
Henne: Yes.
Carr: Squeezing the toothpaste.
Henne: Sir, I get it?
Carr: See, that's what I mean. Always with the sirs, the pleases, the ma'ams.
Henne: Well, sure , sir. It's--
Carr: It makes you a total pussy, Henne. And total pussies cannot play quarterback in the Big Ten, Chad.
Henne: Jeff George played for Illinois, sir.
Carr: ILLINOIS IS NOT IN THE BIG TEN, HENNE!!!
Henne:...
Carr: Anyway, you've got to drop the civil shit and really get a cocktail fork into some nutsacks out there. That's the only way you get 'em to perform for you, Henne.
Henne: Fear?
Carr: Better--hate.
Henne: Lemme put this on my ThinkPad, here, I just want to write this down--
(Carr seizes the Louis Vuitton bag and slams it to the ground, laptop and all.)
Carr: Son, you can't have a Louis Vuitton bag and start here. You just...you can't.
Henne: It's a European carry-all--
Carr: Say that again and I will shoot you like I shot JFK and Hitler, son.
Henne: ...
Carr: Okay, now. We'll have to review some terminology.
Henne: Fuck You!
Carr: What did you just say to me?
Henne: Sorry, trying to get in the spirit of the whole thing.
Carr: Oh, well, then...that's a start now, isn't it. Okay, the X receiver?
Henne: Yes?
Carr: You will call him "Shitbag." Got it?
Henne: Yes...assface!
Carr: Don't get cheeky, son. Remember: I shot Hitler.
Henne: Sorry. This is fun!
Carr: (stares stare promising a fiery, painful death. Flames from a Berlin bunker flicker in his eyes.)
Henne: (Shudders.)
Carr: Your Z receiver? You will now call him Fuckley Shitmahpants.
Henne: Check.
Carr: And the protections? We have five of them, each paired with a direction.
Henne: Names?
Carr: Fumbletits, Whorechum, Fartslap, Cockbiter, and Assmaster.
Henne: Gotcha.
Carr: So gimme a standard pass play to practice.
Henne: (at top of lungs) Delta Fuckley McShitMahPants Tango Z-slot Shitbag Whorechum Roger 5 Hut! (giggles.)
Carr: Just like that, son. Just like that. But don't giggle.
Henne: Awesome. (stifles giggle) Anything else?
Carr: This is Glengarry Glen Ross. Go home. Watch it. Memorize it. For the next five months, only respond to people in phrases that are said by Alec Baldwin in this film. Do you understand that?
Henne: Yes, sir. What else?
Carr: You know Manningham's girlfriend?
Henne: Oh, she's really pretty. And nice, too!
Carr: Impregnate her. Or at the least, have a good firm baby muscle-tussle with her one night. You're the qb. Tell her you know Tom Brady, and she'll be begging for it.
Henne: Um, okay.
Carr: And Jake Long's new car? The one he got with his NFL-guaranteed loans?
Henne: Oh, yeah. He's really proud of it. You shoulda seen him the other day, he was just glowing riding around in it.
Carr: I want you to stand on the hood and piss on it in ten minutes in the parking lot or I'm benching your ass.
Henne: But I could get arrested, sir...and it's his new car and all...
Carr: SILENCE!!! You don't need to be nice, Henne. You've got to be a jerk. And being a jerk sometimes means urinating in public on a man's new ride. And if he interrupts, give that daisy a little water and tell him all about it while you're doing it.
Henne: Jake could kick my ass, sir. Like, to the moon, I'm pretty sure.
Carr: BUT HE WON'T!!! Don't you understand? They want you to pee on their cars and impregnate their women. They want a dictator, son. They're little people, son. They crave order.
Henne: Really?
Carr: Yes, son. You're a god among insects. Don't let anyone tell you different.
Henne: Yes, sir.
Carr: Now go piss on Jake's car. Mark your territory, son.
Henne: Are you sure this is going to work? I mean, who acts like this? Impregnating women randomly? Pissing on cars?
Carr: I call them Tom Brady and Brian Griese son. Other people call them champions.
Henne: Heading out right now, fuckface.
Carr: That's my boy.
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“Carr: Say that again and I will shoot you like I shot JFK and Hitler, son.”
LOL!
by Rob on Aug 28, 2007 2:27 PM EDT reply actions
didn’t George play for Team Redacted?
I’m such a pussy for knowing and/or thinking that
by Jerkwheat on Aug 28, 2007 2:34 PM EDT reply actions
Jeff George played for Illinois. If you want a Boilermaker, I dunno, maybe Kyle Orton?
by SMQ on Aug 28, 2007 2:34 PM EDT reply actions
EDSBS: All that shit above.
skinnyphatman: ….
words.. ah hell. there are no words worthy. Once again… shit nevermind.
by skinnyphatman on Aug 28, 2007 2:36 PM EDT reply actions
“Flames from a Berlin bunker flicker in his eyes.”
I’m never going to be able to look at him the same again.
by Boy Howdy on Aug 28, 2007 2:41 PM EDT reply actions
From the DN link:
Michigan’s first depth chart does not feature a fullback. Does this mean a three-receiver set?
Oooh, scandal!
Michigan’s upgrading to Football 2.0 with three, count ’em, three receivers!
Next thing you know, they’ll have color televisions in the coaches office!
by Rival on Aug 28, 2007 2:42 PM EDT reply actions
We were slightly right. George played for Purdue for one year before he transferred to Illinois.
Corrected.
by Orson Swindle on Aug 28, 2007 2:42 PM EDT reply actions
“Carr: I call them Tom Brady and Brian Griese son. Other people call them champions. "
Hilarious. That’s got to be worth some mad cocktails, right there.
by blackertai on Aug 28, 2007 2:43 PM EDT reply actions
Jeff George transferred to [Team Redacted] from Purdue.
by PeteJayhawk on Aug 28, 2007 2:45 PM EDT reply actions
“badgering the witness” – That’s a new one on me.
But nothing says more with less than “…”
by TIGERinATL on Aug 28, 2007 2:45 PM EDT reply actions
I’m pretty sure that this transcript originated between the OBC and Wuerffel.
“If he hits you Danny, just….just hit ’em baaack!”
by Aerobab on Aug 28, 2007 2:46 PM EDT reply actions
Bringing it back to Brady and Griese is simply glorious.
by Oops Pow Surprise on Aug 28, 2007 2:47 PM EDT reply actions
Carr: I call them Tom Brady and Brian Griese son. Other people call them champions.
That’s the best ending anyone could have hoped for. Succulent meat sir, moist, succulent meat.
by Brian on Aug 28, 2007 2:50 PM EDT reply actions
+ many cocktails for Fuckley McShitmypants. Why that had me rolling, I don’t know.
by Signal to Noise on Aug 28, 2007 2:52 PM EDT reply actions
Nice work.
Fartslap and Cockbiter sounds like a porn remake of some mismatched buddy cop movie that hasn’t been made yet.
by Mr. Wrong on Aug 28, 2007 2:53 PM EDT reply actions
I dunno, I thought the refrence to Jeff George playing at Purdue was right on. I mean how much more dismissive of an opponent than not acknowledging that perhaps the best player in their history (only so many # 1 NFL draft picks), played somewhere else. Carr clearly does have time for some of this shit. Kind of like Saban motivating his tailback claiming that Hershel Walker played for Clemson. Because, why would he know, how could he know that HW is a UGA legend.
He does not have time for that shit.
by skinnyphatman on Aug 28, 2007 2:54 PM EDT reply actions
You can hear the crowd at Michigan stadium on Saturdays from my father-in-law’s back yard. I had always wondered what the strange keening noise was during the week, now I know it’s the aftermath of a Lloyd Carr motivational session.
“You think I’m fucking with you? I’m not fucking with you.”
That clip would be funnier if it wasn’t the basis of the executive management manual here at Megacorp, Inc.
by DC Trojan on Aug 28, 2007 2:55 PM EDT reply actions
It’s all about the leads, Henne. The leads. You get the leads, you win the games.
Also, you’re a stupid fucking cunt.
by Allahver Fist on Aug 28, 2007 3:01 PM EDT reply actions
If Carr’s theory is true, South Carolina is about two to three seasons from a pairing of the best offensive mind in football with the perfect starting quarterback.
You saw what he did with a choir boy like Wuerffel.
Be scared. Be very ascared.
by Chg on Aug 28, 2007 3:06 PM EDT reply actions
If this were almost any other blog, I’d call it great work, but Orson’s capable of even more. This doesn’t quite capture the ornery side of Lloyd that Michigan fans know and love.
by Bob on Aug 28, 2007 3:11 PM EDT reply actions
The way that came all the way back around in the end was truly Seinfeldian. Well done, Orson.
by McBain on Aug 28, 2007 3:23 PM EDT reply actions
“YOU ARE SHIT! Hit the bricks pal , because you are. going. OUT!”
by Alec Baldwin on Aug 28, 2007 3:24 PM EDT reply actions
Carr isn’t ornery, just look at the company he keeps. Like Russel Crowe for instance. . . . Uh, never mind.
by maskedavenger on Aug 28, 2007 3:31 PM EDT reply actions
Officer! Stop that man, he stole my european men’s carry-all. You’re what? Alright, my purse, I carry a purse, you happy?
by Larry Brown on Aug 28, 2007 3:36 PM EDT reply actions
I would have thought sawing Jake Long’s new car in half with a buzz saw to demonstrate that a team relies on two parts, offense and defense, to win would have been more to the point.
by Out of Conference on Aug 28, 2007 3:41 PM EDT reply actions
Holy Shit! Funniest post ever! I’m wiping a tear away from my eye right now.
Thank you.
by BeantownBlue on Aug 28, 2007 3:43 PM EDT reply actions
“Other people call them champions.”
Those that stay will be champions. Nice work. LC might be in the stone age, but I’ll take him.
by Scalz1 on Aug 28, 2007 3:46 PM EDT reply actions
Dear god swindle, your going to get me fired. Cant stop chuckling….
by tzubear on Aug 28, 2007 3:47 PM EDT reply actions
I want to see the transcript of the conversation between JoePa and Morelli.
-Coach, how do I throw less picks?
-In my day, we used to play football with onions because the skin was still on the pig, who was coaching us at the time. We played for three days while the Confederacy only played for two you see.
I can threadjack anything to make fun of how old Joe Paterno is. Come on…everyone knows Grandpa Simpson is based on Paterno.
by Edsall is God on Aug 28, 2007 3:50 PM EDT reply actions
The thing that gets me is that Henne didn’t even say jerk, if you look at the article. He said (jerk), which means that he really said…
dick?
asshole?
bastard?
The people want to know, Henne!
by gosouthgohard on Aug 28, 2007 3:53 PM EDT reply actions
Lloyd should make Henne room with Marquis on the road.
by Sam on Aug 28, 2007 4:13 PM EDT reply actions
orson didn’t you tell me yesterday that henne was the product of underground cloning? couldn’t they just make another one and make him a huge asshole??
by gerry dorsey on Aug 28, 2007 4:14 PM EDT reply actions
If only this had happened last year, history might have been very different.
by PJ from NU in SF on Aug 28, 2007 7:00 PM EDT reply actions
Fuck the Meechigan John Coopers.
I’ll FedEx a cooler up to Ann Whore ASAP.
by Jorgé the Bass Player on Aug 28, 2007 9:00 PM EDT reply actions
Orson,
Couldn’t you have worked Marques “Grand Marques” Slocum into this conversation somehow? My wife was sad he didn’t make an appearance.
by Thursday on Aug 29, 2007 12:04 AM EDT reply actions
Re: “Badgering the Witness”
My brother was a major proponent of “Roughing the suspect”, but I’ve always preferred, “Pulling the hair off the old lady” which is the term my dad used for shucking corn…
Just hilarious, Orson.
by Reed on Aug 29, 2007 3:28 PM EDT reply actions
University of Michigan Fuck Lions, that was good, I like it.
by Hickorydick.. on Aug 29, 2007 7:09 PM EDT reply actions
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