EDSBS » 2007 » August

August 27, 2007

TEEBO/TEBOW: AN EWOK OF EXCELLENCE.

While we’re waiting for someone to explain whether Sammie Stroughter is going to play football or not this year…

Oddity abounds. For instance, we write this blog under the name of a former head of the Federal Trade Commission and spokesperson for the 1992 Ross Perot campaign. That’s odd–almost as odd as the fact that Big Boi of Outkast wanted to record an entire album as “Billy Ocean,” or the fact that Kentucky went 8-5 last year.

(It is not odder than Michigan not putting Chad Henne in the shotgun more in the second half against USC. That’s one of the strangest things we’ve ever seen along with “Reggie Ball, 4 year starter in D-1 football,” and “Buddy Teevens, head coach.” But we digress…)

Anyway, our Samoan lawyer called us and said this to us yesterday:

SL: Dood.
OS: Dood.
SL: There’s an Ewok named Teebo.
OS: …
SL: The firstborn. His name. That’s all you owe me.

So, one firstborn later, yeah, there’s an Ewok named Teebo, which isn’t spelled the same way but sure sounds the same as our beloved baby rhino Florida quarterback. Like Tebow, he’s got a mentor who taught him things: in Teebo’s case, it was magic, “which for some reason usually doesn’t end up very well.” We’re forced to assume by “magic” they mean “the inevitable, brain-fucking interception/turnover Chris Leak committed every game sometime in the first three minutes of the first quarter.” We can’t wait to see it.

Teebo also fails to live up to his real-life homophone by getting punked by R2/D2 in Return of the Jedi–he’s the one who R2 zaps when the Ewok gets too curious. Oh, and Teebo’s about three feet shorter, is covered in fur, and sucks because he’s an Ewok, and not even a particularly badass one, either. (The only badass Ewok in the movie is the one who bangs away at the leg of a moving AT/ST with a club. We call him “Reggie Nelson.”)

According to Wookiepedia, Teebo did inspire this quote “I’ve never seen anyone more worthy of my tears! You are a true hero, young Teebo.” This quote may be worth the three days of vagina-free living we’ll have to endure as a result of even coming into contact with a site called “Wookiepedia.”

Filed under: Blog Buddies, College football, Southeastern Conference, bizarro superman says you're welcome by Orson Swindle

[ 33 Replies ]

FULMER CUPDATE 8/27/07 : DEFEAT REDACTED

Call it the belated correction edition. Explanations, corrections, and outright apologies follow. HT as always to Brian, who is hung like Reggie Fuckin’ Nelson.

Illinois’ amazing comeback. Penn State looked so close to edging Illinois on a silly alcohol citation before five out of seven charges were dropped in the case against Anthony Scirrotto, one of the football players involved in the apartment fight we cannot help but refer to as “Bootgate.”

For speed’s sake, we’ve dropped Penn State six points immediately, and really should be somewhere around Michigan’s ranking and definitely below Florida. In true flubalicious fashion, Team Redacted yanks victory from the jaws of defeat, resulting in a stunning comeback for what appears to be a victory for Illinois in the 2007 Fulmer Cup. And as with most things [NAME REDACTED], it comes through no actual accomplishments of excellence of their own.

Arkansas DE: “Ecstasy got da best ah me.” Playing football is stressful, so why not relax? And when we say relax, we mean really, really relax, as in cranking up a joint and picking up a little MDMA on the way to a friend’s house.

The officer asked Harrison to step out of the car. The police report says Harrison consented to a search and told the officer he had “just a pill” in a pocket of his cargo shorts. The officer reported finding a small plastic bag containing one blue Ecstasy pill.

Hill got hit with felony controlled substance possession, which is three points there, plus a slew of driving citations, including the shame of having no seat belt on at the time of the arrest. Ever heard the oft-cited rule that drunks survive crashes because they’re so much more relaxed than sober people? Stoned people rolling on X must have an even higher rate of survival, especially me, since their erect penises break the windshield glass on impact like one of those spikes you can buy in case you find yourself trapped underwater in your car.

Award ceremony: Wednesday, 3:00 p.m, when the FC season closes. It’s gonna take a miracle to knock off Illinois, barring an Arizona State football bank robbery, renaissance Miami block party turned shootin’ ‘n lootin’ riot, or the inevitable exposure of the illegal human cloning operation that’s been producing slow, accurate white quarterbacks for Michigan for thirty years.

Filed under: All-Conference, Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Fulmer Cup, weed by Orson Swindle

[ 48 Replies ]

EMMANUEL MOODY CROSSES COUNTRY FOR 15 CARRIES A GAME

Thank goodness for those agents we keep hearing about–they nabbed Emmanuel Moody, a former USC running back, and got him to sign with Florida after Moody left the cluttered USC backfield for the Gators, who’ve lacked a feature running back since the Ciatrick Fason era. Dastardly agents say what!

Moody, according to Joe Schad, “followed his heart” to Florida. This is the correct organ, since following his head would have taken him elsewhere in what he called a “business decision.” Florida’s running backs in the Urban Meyer era have averaged 18.3 carries a game, well below the the 23 carries a game or so that a Penn State running back would get in an average season.

Given that, though, the decline was less one of overall strategy and more a matter of Meyer’s lasting disgust with his running back corps. Meyer’s Utah teams got their backs an average of 22.8 carries a game in the 2004 season albeit in a platoon situation.) If Moody can avoid an instant trip to the Deshawn Wynn Memorial Doghouse for the Snack-fond and Surly, he might be able to get first feasting at the running back spot for Florida once he’s eligible in 2008.

Filed under: Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Pacific 10 Conference, Southeastern Conference by Orson Swindle

[ 41 Replies ]

CURIOUS INDEX, 8/27: WHITE CHICKS EDITION.

Confidence is good. LSU allowed something like 12 points a game last season. That same pennypinching defense returns much and replaces an All-American (Laron Landry) with a potential All-American at safety (Craig Steltz.) In other words, you’re doomed. Resistance is futile. Sign wills. Call loved ones.

But in the hors d’oeuvres game on Thursday night that same defense plays Mississippi State, whose running back Anthony Dixon has something just as important as All-American talent, superb coaching, and an air of invincibility: confidence, galldarnit.

“You’ve got to have that confidence every time you go out,” he said. “It doesn’t matter who it is. You’ve got to be prepared and confident.”

Well, one out of two will get you in the baseball hall of fame. It’ll also make you a lousy neurosurgeon and end your career landing jets on aircraft carriers very, very quickly. But hey! Tony “Banana Fingers” Robbins is pulling for you!

For easy retard political blogger rage, press one! Dan Hawkins has not hired on a new team chaplain to replace former Buffs chaplain Mike Spivey, thus drawing the ire of political bloggers who just love to get a good, Instapundit-bitten “heh” on now and then. Hawkins says there “are different times and different places” for that. A team that won two games last year stands as a superb case for atheists to argue the chaplain was addressing an arbiter who would never appear, and for believers to consider hiring additional clergy to pray harder. Inane liberals/conservatives CAPS LOCK=PASSION!!! arguments to follow, we’re sure.

Jim Grobe rules, according to an influential member of the Waffle House family. Jim Grobe’s dual life as a Waffle House employee has created the second coolest t-shirt of the football offseason. First being our awesome “Fuck Lion” shirt, of course.

Now that’s motivation. We’re having Austin Murphy of Sports Illustrated on tomorrow night on EDSBS Live!, and got a promo copy of Saturday Rules: A Season with Trojans and Domers (and Gators and Buckeyes and Wolverines) in the mail on Friday. Murphy gets that golden ticket of access that only being an SI writer with long-form permission can, and it’s a witty gallop through the 2006 season that reeks of well-used trips to the thesaurus and a boggling accumulation of domestic SkyMiles.

Anyway, here’s a quote to get you to buy the book. Ed Orgeron’s opening line of his pregame speech to the USC d-line before the 2005 Orange Bowl:

“You’re all a bunch of fucking pussies!

Fin. Buy the book.

Sometimes, by not blogging on weekends, you lose. Hey, Chris Rainey likes white women! Well, who doesn’t. From Alligator Army:

“Every time you see a fine girl (in Gainesville), you see another fine girl better than her. (Some people) like different color girls and stuff like that. I’m a white girl man.”

Rainey’s looking to either flame out of the program in two years, or stick around to become a quote buffet for four years. We sincerely hope it’s the latter. Watching game tape is important, Chris–when scouting for a vanilla thrilla with a lust for petite but powerful chocolate luvas with eager gigglesticks at the ready such as yourself, we recommend scouting for white chicks flashing gang signs. G-g-g-gang signs.