HERO FOR OUR TIME: MARQUES ‘GRAND MARQUES’ SLOCUM
We really wouldn’t want to hang out with most football players. As a fan, we’re necessarily put in the tension-filled position of being passionate about a sport whose participants would, on the whole, rather chew their own leg off than hang out with our ilk. (”Hey, wanna come over and watch the DVD of Big Love! It’s the one where Marge finally gets that job she’s been angling for! I’m sooooo happy for her!”)
Sprint/Nextel bitches.
Yet, we think we’ve met the first player we actually would love to hang with on a weekly basis: Michigan’s own Marques “Grand Marques” Slocum. His quiz on his facebook entry is reprinted below, and we don’t mean this in a snickering, elitist, or ironic way at all: Marques sounds fucking awesome. In fact, we’re calling our mom right now to tell her she’s the realest bitch alive. She’ll appreciate it, since she did say “motherfucker” live on the EDSBS radio show.
Sprint/Nextel, bitches. Enjoy.
(Begin edited interview. Questions in italics, answers in bold.)
What is your favorite song of all time?
Just another n***a- state property II
Do you own any pets, and if so what do you have?
Fuck lion say what!
i got a fuck lion now come fuck wit me
Who do you admire most?
My mom CARLA, dat bitch da shit, i love her i think she da realest bitch alive
Do you have any tattoos, and if so what and where?
fuckin real
When do you plan on getting married?
it dont matta cuz i hope my wife know ima be playa 4 life
Get the number or give the number?
i would have 2 say bof
Romance or Kinky Sex?
it dont matta however i can get it
How do you feel?
i feel like killin somebody so dont be dat person… lol….not really dont be dat person
What size shoe do you wear?
a big enouf size 2 boot chu da fuck up outta here
T-Mobile, U.S. Cellular, Cingular/AT&T, or Sprint/Nextel
sprint/nextel bitch! dey got da best phones
Would you rather be hot or cold?
fuckin warm fuck dat hot shit and dat cold shit Id rather it be in da middle
Would you rather lose an arm or a leg?
what da fuck! i needs bof of my muthafuckin body parts
Opera, Musical, Concert, Play, Performance, or Other?
opera- no, musical- no, concert- maybe. play- no, performance- fuuuuuuuuuuuck no, other- no
What is your favorite clothing brand?
state property, im on my philly shit im on my jawn… lol
Most Memorable Past?
shit i couldnt tell u cuz i dont know
If you had to pick one car, which would it be?
96 impala ss
Your favorite Disney Films?
fuck disney
Why did the chicken cross the road?
cuz he was all fiend out
Do you support Paris?
why should i
Where is Waldo?
Waldo: eaten by fuck lion, presumably.
i killed dat punk muthafucka he owed me money
Favorite element?
i would have 2 go with………….. water
What was your last thought?
why da fuck am i doin dis interview
Firefox, Internet Explorer, Netscape, or other?
i dont give a fuck i just want 2 get on
Who are you going to vote for in 2008?
me
Juice and crackers or milk and cookies?
i want sum milk and cookies
Favorite fruit?
watermelon
Which is worse? A bad laugh or a bad cough?
dam mafucka u just fucked up da mood, i guess i aint sayin no more jokes
Are you a cat or a dog person?
im fuckin wit a rock or a pit just so it can cha cat
Would you rather be blind or deaf?
deaf btu dam neither
Define yourself in 3 words…
im da shit
Do you eat cold cereal at night?
what da fuck is cold cereal
What is your favorite TV show?
the wire
Kill the spider or let it out?
man! fuck dat spider
Do you shower every single day?
shit i at least get a bird bath but yea i shower everyday dis summer its 2 hot not 2
Walking past a beggar, spare change or ignore?
shit ima be askin him 4 sum change
Boat or bus?
bus bitch! i cant swim
Where do you want to travel next?
da future
Fuck Bubbles.
What would you do if Michael Jackson asked you out
I be like yea and den ima rob em’, ima steal all his shit and im stealin bubbles and im sellin dat muthafucka
What is your favorite food?
I like 2 licky licky licky licky… lol
Do you read harry potter books?
who da fuck is dat!
If you could have one super human power what would you choose?
come on now i wanna fly i hate walkin dat shit overrated
Have you had a beer in the last week?
shit I downed a forty last night in 2min. and 37sec. yea, beerfest bitch! im ready 4 da boot!
Vitamin Water or Gatorade?
Bof of dem shits is nasty but i fuck wit gatorade
Favorite body part?
my whole fuckin body
Flip flops or sandles?
come on now! what type of question is dat?
What do you do on fridays?
whatever da fuck i feel like doin
Do you like bananas?
do u
Filed under: Big 10 Conference, Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Not strictly college football, but funny, People we love, si si si! by Orson Swindle
183 Replies »
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125
I can only assume he hasn’t passed Comp I and II yet . . . please, don’t tell me he has.
Comment by Justin Cliburn — August 23, 2007 @ 9:59 am
124
Short on time, I skipped over this yesterday thinking it wouldn’t be that funny. Then I see it linked on another board this morning. Glad I caught it.
Cocktails to many of the responses, especially #2 and #35.
And as funny and unintelligible as I find the Irons brothers, this guy is in a whole different league. They can’t hang wit dat. But they have the comedy team banter thing, so they’ve got that going for them.
Comment by HFS — August 23, 2007 @ 9:59 am
123
I know Marques and have to let you guys in a couple things.
1) I’ve seen in him in a fish out of water situation and he handled himself a mature manner. In fact, of his peers he was the best behaved and most under control.
2) He understands how to manipulate the media. Kids these days watch Paris Hilton and know how to generate a little press. He is not hurt, but he got some mention on Mgoblog, saying he was.
3) 2 weeks back into football after a 2 year break and he is 2nd string. This kid is a Beast and will be owning QB’s all season. This interview will just add to his hype.
Say what you want, but I’m telling you I think he has a pretty good idea about what he is doing. I wouldn’t be shocked that all the ink on the net leads to a call into Lloyds office tho.
Comment by BluerthanU — August 23, 2007 @ 9:53 am
122
Make that #117. I love it when these threads grow from the middle.
Comment by DevilGrad — August 23, 2007 @ 9:41 am
121
#87 that was priceless!
Comment by NickSabanisHungLikeaMule — August 23, 2007 @ 9:36 am
120
Re #113 and with a shoutout back to #66:
I, for one, look forward to the next installment of “The Hermeneutics of ‘Fuck Dat Spider’.”
Comment by DevilGrad — August 23, 2007 @ 9:16 am
119
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y101/solidkane/FDS.jpg
Comment by Scalz1 — August 23, 2007 @ 9:11 am
118
Hail to the Kinesiology majors!
I assume he won’t be one of the 32% of black players who actually gets their a degree at the Whore?
Comment by Kat — August 23, 2007 @ 9:07 am
117
That was incredible, absolutely wonderful! The addition of people trying to explain his answers in the comments just added to the amazing humor– I’m looking at you 71, though I worry that people think the average EDSBS reader couldn’t interpret those responses.
Comment by Jonathan — August 23, 2007 @ 9:07 am
116
This is funny. But some of you need to remember that Marques worked his ass off for two years to get into Michigan. He was supposed to be a freshman like 2 years ago but went to prep school and then had to sit his first year at Michigan to become eligible. He could’ve easily have gone to MSU or Penn State yet he chose to work hard and it will be paying off in the future. He’s going to be a stud on the UM D for the next few years.
Comment by trey — August 23, 2007 @ 9:04 am
115
#100, he posted his screen name on Facebook and approved me as a friend without knowing who the hell I am, so that “contact info”can’t be THAT personal.
Sweet job, DAve. Printing now…
Comment by Mätt — August 23, 2007 @ 9:04 am
114
When your mother calls you, weeping with joy, remember to thank me:
http://i108.photobucket.com/albums/n18/dawgterfeelgood/mothers_day_card.jpg
Comment by DAve — August 23, 2007 @ 8:54 am
113
I have no idea what a fuck lion is but I want one!
Comment by mhentz — August 23, 2007 @ 8:51 am
112
Of all the days to leave work early.
Tears just fucking streaming down…
Comment by Whitey — August 23, 2007 @ 8:48 am
111
Hahahahhaa
Comment by Rob — August 23, 2007 @ 8:36 am
110
Outstanding reporting; I see a new weekly feature on EDSBS, “Facebook Faceoff” or some such shit.
You could have slipped pictures of semi-naked coeds in this article, you know.
Comment by SunDawg — August 23, 2007 @ 8:34 am
109
Y’all never heard of satire or farce? This STUDENT athlete’s talent is clearly in writing and not on the field. Except this part:
“Boat or bus? bus bitch! i cant swim”
I bet this is true.
Comment by Unhappy Monkey — August 23, 2007 @ 8:31 am
108
Ah yes, the “2″ threw me as I failed to recognize it as a preposition within that context. I can’t believe I just said that.
Comment by DAve — August 23, 2007 @ 8:30 am
107
+100 cocktails to #2.
Comment by Andy — August 23, 2007 @ 8:29 am
106
A mind is a terrible thing to waste. Thank goodness one has not been wasted on Marcus.
Comment by Southern Papa — August 23, 2007 @ 8:26 am
105
“what da fuck! i needs bof of my muthafuckin body parts”
That is quite possibly the funniest thing I have read in my entire life. I just pulled the whole LOL at work and couldnt tell anyone why I just laughed. What a brilliant answer. I want to plat Edward 40-Hands with this guy tomorrow. And I HATE Michigan.
Jim Delaney is right, the Big 11 does have all the smart kids. This sir is a genius.
Comment by Edsall is God — August 23, 2007 @ 8:24 am
104
I believe “2 licky licky licky licky” is to perform cunnilingus, perhaps multiple times.
Comment by Biggus Rickus — August 23, 2007 @ 8:17 am
103
Slocum pwns Maroney
Comment by Scalz1 — August 23, 2007 @ 8:16 am
102
Matt - Can’t say I can respect handing out his personal information like that. Poor form.
Comment by Oops Pow Surprise — August 23, 2007 @ 8:16 am
101
Dare I even ask what “2 licky licky licky licky” is?
Comment by DAve — August 23, 2007 @ 8:13 am