HERO FOR OUR TIME: MARQUES ‘GRAND MARQUES’ SLOCUM
We really wouldn’t want to hang out with most football players. As a fan, we’re necessarily put in the tension-filled position of being passionate about a sport whose participants would, on the whole, rather chew their own leg off than hang out with our ilk. (”Hey, wanna come over and watch the DVD of Big Love! It’s the one where Marge finally gets that job she’s been angling for! I’m sooooo happy for her!”)
Sprint/Nextel bitches.
Yet, we think we’ve met the first player we actually would love to hang with on a weekly basis: Michigan’s own Marques “Grand Marques” Slocum. His quiz on his facebook entry is reprinted below, and we don’t mean this in a snickering, elitist, or ironic way at all: Marques sounds fucking awesome. In fact, we’re calling our mom right now to tell her she’s the realest bitch alive. She’ll appreciate it, since she did say “motherfucker” live on the EDSBS radio show.
Sprint/Nextel, bitches. Enjoy.
(Begin edited interview. Questions in italics, answers in bold.)
What is your favorite song of all time?
Just another n***a- state property II
Do you own any pets, and if so what do you have?
Fuck lion say what!
i got a fuck lion now come fuck wit me
Who do you admire most?
My mom CARLA, dat bitch da shit, i love her i think she da realest bitch alive
Do you have any tattoos, and if so what and where?
fuckin real
When do you plan on getting married?
it dont matta cuz i hope my wife know ima be playa 4 life
Get the number or give the number?
i would have 2 say bof
Romance or Kinky Sex?
it dont matta however i can get it
How do you feel?
i feel like killin somebody so dont be dat person… lol….not really dont be dat person
What size shoe do you wear?
a big enouf size 2 boot chu da fuck up outta here
T-Mobile, U.S. Cellular, Cingular/AT&T, or Sprint/Nextel
sprint/nextel bitch! dey got da best phones
Would you rather be hot or cold?
fuckin warm fuck dat hot shit and dat cold shit Id rather it be in da middle
Would you rather lose an arm or a leg?
what da fuck! i needs bof of my muthafuckin body parts
Opera, Musical, Concert, Play, Performance, or Other?
opera- no, musical- no, concert- maybe. play- no, performance- fuuuuuuuuuuuck no, other- no
What is your favorite clothing brand?
state property, im on my philly shit im on my jawn… lol
Most Memorable Past?
shit i couldnt tell u cuz i dont know
If you had to pick one car, which would it be?
96 impala ss
Your favorite Disney Films?
fuck disney
Why did the chicken cross the road?
cuz he was all fiend out
Do you support Paris?
why should i
Where is Waldo?
Waldo: eaten by fuck lion, presumably.
i killed dat punk muthafucka he owed me money
Favorite element?
i would have 2 go with………….. water
What was your last thought?
why da fuck am i doin dis interview
Firefox, Internet Explorer, Netscape, or other?
i dont give a fuck i just want 2 get on
Who are you going to vote for in 2008?
me
Juice and crackers or milk and cookies?
i want sum milk and cookies
Favorite fruit?
watermelon
Which is worse? A bad laugh or a bad cough?
dam mafucka u just fucked up da mood, i guess i aint sayin no more jokes
Are you a cat or a dog person?
im fuckin wit a rock or a pit just so it can cha cat
Would you rather be blind or deaf?
deaf btu dam neither
Define yourself in 3 words…
im da shit
Do you eat cold cereal at night?
what da fuck is cold cereal
What is your favorite TV show?
the wire
Kill the spider or let it out?
man! fuck dat spider
Do you shower every single day?
shit i at least get a bird bath but yea i shower everyday dis summer its 2 hot not 2
Walking past a beggar, spare change or ignore?
shit ima be askin him 4 sum change
Boat or bus?
bus bitch! i cant swim
Where do you want to travel next?
da future
Fuck Bubbles.
What would you do if Michael Jackson asked you out
I be like yea and den ima rob em’, ima steal all his shit and im stealin bubbles and im sellin dat muthafucka
What is your favorite food?
I like 2 licky licky licky licky… lol
Do you read harry potter books?
who da fuck is dat!
If you could have one super human power what would you choose?
come on now i wanna fly i hate walkin dat shit overrated
Have you had a beer in the last week?
shit I downed a forty last night in 2min. and 37sec. yea, beerfest bitch! im ready 4 da boot!
Vitamin Water or Gatorade?
Bof of dem shits is nasty but i fuck wit gatorade
Favorite body part?
my whole fuckin body
Flip flops or sandles?
come on now! what type of question is dat?
What do you do on fridays?
whatever da fuck i feel like doin
Do you like bananas?
do u
Filed under: Big 10 Conference, Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Not strictly college football, but funny, People we love, si si si! by Orson Swindle
183 Replies »
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50
Damn, #45, don’t be using that statistics and sociology shit to mess up a perfectly good discussion of fuck lions.
Besides, check out the Penn State photos in the post below this one. It’s TWO anecdotal examples — just today.
Comment by DevilGrad — August 22, 2007 @ 6:20 pm
49
Continuing the data mining…
opera- no, musical- no, concert- maybe. play- no, performance- fuuuuuuuuuuuck no, other- no
Man, what bad “performance” experience did he have to rank this lower than opera?
Comment by Eirishis — August 22, 2007 @ 6:19 pm
48
Oh yeah, also, could somehow help me out with what a “bird bath” is?
Comment by Out of Conference — August 22, 2007 @ 6:18 pm
47
“im fuckin wit a rock or a pit just so it can cha cat”
I now know how I’m signing the Christmas cards this year.
Comment by Out of Conference — August 22, 2007 @ 6:16 pm
46
Chg, If you take a single incident ( Marques’ facebook page) as a counter-proof of a more general thing ( Jim Delany talking about SEC academics ), I can offer your post ( single incident ) as an example of how shitty SEC statistics courses are. Ever heard about outliers?
LSUJoshua, deluded are we? As far as I can remember, MGoBlog and MZone condemned Delaney’s pompous claim. And their insinuations mostly are satire. Just like EDSBS.
Just don’t send Les Miles North-ways.
Comment by Tacopants — August 22, 2007 @ 6:06 pm
45
fond*
Comment by Joey — August 22, 2007 @ 5:55 pm
44
25
You mean to tell me that as sure as gravity and paris is a whore that there very possibly are stupid people at my state school alma mater!?!?!?! Are you shittin’ me Pyle?!?!?!?!?!??!!
Up might as well be down now. I need to sit down and reflect on this.
The point was that Michigan’s AD and adherrent blog nation just got done pissing down on all of the entire SEC when it comes to smarts. When everyone knows we are have plenty of Grand Marques in our respective ranks.
Comment by LSUJoshua — August 22, 2007 @ 5:54 pm
43
If Michigan had a team full of players who spent two years working as tirelessly as Slocum did in the classroom to get into Michigan and give himself an opportunity to be a Wolverine, Michigan would probably never lose. Maybe not something for the University’s homepage, but I’ll ride with Marques any day.
That said, and in the spirit of EDSBS, I am most found of his answer to the bananas question. Lots of possibilities there.
Comment by Joey — August 22, 2007 @ 5:54 pm
42
As far as the academic jokes go, Slocum has actually spent a couple years trying to get eligible, and it’s a pretty great story that he’s now finally getting to suit up. He’s become one of the favorites among a lot of Michigan fans before even taking the field because he’s stuck with it for so long.
Not that the jokes aren’t funny anyway.
Comment by AAB — August 22, 2007 @ 5:50 pm
41
“im da shit”
yes you are, buddy. And it looks like I can forget about Waldo paying me back the money he owes me. Also, Man! fuck dat spider.
Comment by RaginCajunRebel — August 22, 2007 @ 5:44 pm
40
He obviously needs to read a book.
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=11302757
Comment by Cock Moore — August 22, 2007 @ 5:44 pm
39
Steve Spurrier just called the university president and demanded that South Carolina hire Michigan’s Director of Admissions.
Comment by Chg — August 22, 2007 @ 5:40 pm
38
I can’t make fun of this….I need bof of my muthafuckin body parts…
Comment by brink — August 22, 2007 @ 5:34 pm
37
eliminate the questions here and we have a grammy winning new rap song in his responses
i feel like killin somebody so dont be dat person…
….not really dont be dat person
a big enouf size 2 boot chu da fuck up outta here
sprint/nextel bitch! dey got da best phones
fuckin warm
fuck dat hot shit
and dat cold shit
Id rather it be in da middle
refrain:
why da fuck am i doin dis interview
why da fuck am i doin dis interview
why da fuck am i doin dis interview
Comment by Futbawl Fan — August 22, 2007 @ 5:34 pm
36
If you do ever end up hanging out with football players on a friday night in the offseason, one phrase you don’t want to hear is “Let’s see how much the white boy can drink”.
Bad things result, trust me.
Comment by oc phil — August 22, 2007 @ 5:31 pm
35
Imagine what kind of players they could get if they didn’t have so much of that academic integrity Delany talks about.
Marques is obviously a classics major so engrossed in his studies that when asked to pick an element, he automatically thinks of the Aristotelian world view.
Comment by Chg — August 22, 2007 @ 5:30 pm
34
When I saw ‘ Wat da fuck is cold cereal?’ I thought of Chappelle’s standup… classic, purely classic
Comment by omar — August 22, 2007 @ 5:24 pm
33
I thank God everyday that youtube and facebook and myspace, not to mention video and camera cell phones, were not around when I was in college. I can’t imagine having to explain to future employers or potential spouses the kind of stuff that might have shown up. It sends shivers up my spine sometimes.
Comment by DiamondM — August 22, 2007 @ 5:16 pm
32
Favorite element?
i would have 2 go with………….. water
I am dying over here.
Comment by Coach Saban — August 22, 2007 @ 5:16 pm
31
Next EDSBS tee-shirt”
“BEWARE OF FUCK LION”
Comment by DevilGrad — August 22, 2007 @ 5:11 pm
30
Also, it’s not like he turned in a term paper with “Fuck Thomas Pynchon!†written at the top.
Although that certainly wouldn’t hurt, nor is it out of the realm of possibility.
Comment by Holly — August 22, 2007 @ 5:09 pm
29
i just sat here looking at the comment box for five minutes trying to figure out what to write, but i am overwhelmed. maybe the hardest i’ve ever laughed at this site….and that’s saying something.
where can i get a fuck lion???
Comment by gerry dorsey — August 22, 2007 @ 5:08 pm
28
I guess a fuck lion makes a blowjob midget seem tame by comparison.
Comment by PW — August 22, 2007 @ 5:07 pm
27
This is like one of those movies with so many funny scenes that you can’t even describe it to your friends.
Comment by PW — August 22, 2007 @ 5:05 pm
26
I’m just waiting for him to say he’s watching [whoever wins the HEISEMEN trophy]. Slocum like HEISMENS.
Comment by The New Math: 86=1 — August 22, 2007 @ 5:04 pm