HERO FOR OUR TIME: MARQUES ‘GRAND MARQUES’ SLOCUM
We really wouldn’t want to hang out with most football players. As a fan, we’re necessarily put in the tension-filled position of being passionate about a sport whose participants would, on the whole, rather chew their own leg off than hang out with our ilk. (”Hey, wanna come over and watch the DVD of Big Love! It’s the one where Marge finally gets that job she’s been angling for! I’m sooooo happy for her!”)
Sprint/Nextel bitches.
Yet, we think we’ve met the first player we actually would love to hang with on a weekly basis: Michigan’s own Marques “Grand Marques” Slocum. His quiz on his facebook entry is reprinted below, and we don’t mean this in a snickering, elitist, or ironic way at all: Marques sounds fucking awesome. In fact, we’re calling our mom right now to tell her she’s the realest bitch alive. She’ll appreciate it, since she did say “motherfucker” live on the EDSBS radio show.
Sprint/Nextel, bitches. Enjoy.
(Begin edited interview. Questions in italics, answers in bold.)
What is your favorite song of all time?
Just another n***a- state property II
Do you own any pets, and if so what do you have?
Fuck lion say what!
i got a fuck lion now come fuck wit me
Who do you admire most?
My mom CARLA, dat bitch da shit, i love her i think she da realest bitch alive
Do you have any tattoos, and if so what and where?
fuckin real
When do you plan on getting married?
it dont matta cuz i hope my wife know ima be playa 4 life
Get the number or give the number?
i would have 2 say bof
Romance or Kinky Sex?
it dont matta however i can get it
How do you feel?
i feel like killin somebody so dont be dat person… lol….not really dont be dat person
What size shoe do you wear?
a big enouf size 2 boot chu da fuck up outta here
T-Mobile, U.S. Cellular, Cingular/AT&T, or Sprint/Nextel
sprint/nextel bitch! dey got da best phones
Would you rather be hot or cold?
fuckin warm fuck dat hot shit and dat cold shit Id rather it be in da middle
Would you rather lose an arm or a leg?
what da fuck! i needs bof of my muthafuckin body parts
Opera, Musical, Concert, Play, Performance, or Other?
opera- no, musical- no, concert- maybe. play- no, performance- fuuuuuuuuuuuck no, other- no
What is your favorite clothing brand?
state property, im on my philly shit im on my jawn… lol
Most Memorable Past?
shit i couldnt tell u cuz i dont know
If you had to pick one car, which would it be?
96 impala ss
Your favorite Disney Films?
fuck disney
Why did the chicken cross the road?
cuz he was all fiend out
Do you support Paris?
why should i
Where is Waldo?
Waldo: eaten by fuck lion, presumably.
i killed dat punk muthafucka he owed me money
Favorite element?
i would have 2 go with………….. water
What was your last thought?
why da fuck am i doin dis interview
Firefox, Internet Explorer, Netscape, or other?
i dont give a fuck i just want 2 get on
Who are you going to vote for in 2008?
me
Juice and crackers or milk and cookies?
i want sum milk and cookies
Favorite fruit?
watermelon
Which is worse? A bad laugh or a bad cough?
dam mafucka u just fucked up da mood, i guess i aint sayin no more jokes
Are you a cat or a dog person?
im fuckin wit a rock or a pit just so it can cha cat
Would you rather be blind or deaf?
deaf btu dam neither
Define yourself in 3 words…
im da shit
Do you eat cold cereal at night?
what da fuck is cold cereal
What is your favorite TV show?
the wire
Kill the spider or let it out?
man! fuck dat spider
Do you shower every single day?
shit i at least get a bird bath but yea i shower everyday dis summer its 2 hot not 2
Walking past a beggar, spare change or ignore?
shit ima be askin him 4 sum change
Boat or bus?
bus bitch! i cant swim
Where do you want to travel next?
da future
Fuck Bubbles.
What would you do if Michael Jackson asked you out
I be like yea and den ima rob em’, ima steal all his shit and im stealin bubbles and im sellin dat muthafucka
What is your favorite food?
I like 2 licky licky licky licky… lol
Do you read harry potter books?
who da fuck is dat!
If you could have one super human power what would you choose?
come on now i wanna fly i hate walkin dat shit overrated
Have you had a beer in the last week?
shit I downed a forty last night in 2min. and 37sec. yea, beerfest bitch! im ready 4 da boot!
Vitamin Water or Gatorade?
Bof of dem shits is nasty but i fuck wit gatorade
Favorite body part?
my whole fuckin body
Flip flops or sandles?
come on now! what type of question is dat?
What do you do on fridays?
whatever da fuck i feel like doin
Do you like bananas?
do u
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51
fife in pdx says:
honestly, dont know whether to laugh or cry.
August 22nd, 2007 at 6:23 pm
52
Jack says:
Do fuck lions come with rape stands?
Too soon?
August 22nd, 2007 at 6:26 pm
53
The Great Barstoolio says:
Why did the chicken cross the road?
cuz he was all fiend out
If you locked me in a closet for 10 years to think I could not have come up with that. I think I’m going to be sick from laughing.
August 22nd, 2007 at 6:32 pm
54
cbs5090 says:
Holy Cow…Like most others this is way too much material. WAY TOO MUCH. Orson, you could have stretched out each response over the entire season and still had left over material.
Other than that………Chg.
+2 for 35 and 39, both classics.
August 22nd, 2007 at 6:57 pm
55
brad says:
I be like yea and den ima rob em’, ima steal all his shit and im stealin bubbles and im sellin dat muthafucka………..HALARIOUS…… I went to highschool with Marcus Thomas from Florida and if you think this is bad you should sit down 5 minutes with marcus. its close though but once he stole some freshmans note in PE and tried to read it out loud and didnt get past the name…funniest highschool moment
August 22nd, 2007 at 7:06 pm
56
robert says:
According to Urban Dictionary, a “bird bath” is:
“a quick washing of the genitals just to make them fresh in the chance you may get action. bird bath b/c it is a small bath and b/c if you wanted to you could dip your balls in a bird bath (or the sink) and wash them. The intent is to wash away potential ball sweat which can dissuade a lady from give a bj”
And I thought this was Pynchon….?
August 22nd, 2007 at 7:06 pm
57
akaRonMexico says:
I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that he won’t be part of the 38%.
August 22nd, 2007 at 7:11 pm
58
Gurn says:
Golf clap for #2.
Good Lord, this blog has some quality.
August 22nd, 2007 at 7:14 pm
59
Out of Conference says:
#54 – Much thanks, Robert. Fuck the bidee, I’m putting in a bird bath. It’s not like I’m asking for a rusty trombone or anything.
August 22nd, 2007 at 7:20 pm
60
SA says:
Literature like this makes me proud to be a Michigan fan.
Really.
August 22nd, 2007 at 7:30 pm
61
Joe says:
water isn’t an element
August 22nd, 2007 at 7:34 pm
62
Blou says:
First post on EDSBS…but more importantly, ha, ha, I have hung out with Marques and yes, to answer the question on everyone’s mind, it was amazing.
I won’t get into details, but I can tell you that his fuck lion will get you balls high. And then eat you. Because he’s, you know, a lion.
August 22nd, 2007 at 7:42 pm
63
Mike says:
My favorite part is how he gets so offended by “Which is worse? A bad laugh or a bad cough?”
August 22nd, 2007 at 7:55 pm
64
gjk says:
I’m thinking he’s a General Studies major like most of the others. Yeah… General Studies, or maybe Pre-Law.
August 22nd, 2007 at 8:03 pm
65
DL says:
It had to be done…
http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c65/dlucero22/roflbot.jpg
August 22nd, 2007 at 8:21 pm
66
JohnnyBGood says:
Its so going over your heads boys – tsk, tsk. I’m guessing this was done as part of an assignment for one of UM’s upper-level “urban studies” programs as a study in the ironic uses of Ebonics in modern media. Note how he addresses the “keepin’ it real” motif with his ‘96 Impala answer. This is a man of the people, no pimped out Lexus for this man. Then he rejects major media (Disney) that too readily feeds on negative stereotypes of the black man (I mean, have you seen “Snow Dogs”???!!). Finally, he totally bursts the stereotype of the dog-fighting, animal-torturing football player so prevalent at the moment – does he feed Bubbles to the Fuck Lion? No sir, its off to a nice home for Bubbles, probably with some decent, MJ-obsessed fans.
August 22nd, 2007 at 8:22 pm
67
maskedavenger says:
I believe that as a Michigan fan it is my obligation to comment, and I have now done so. Sigh.
August 22nd, 2007 at 8:22 pm
68
macker says:
I am trying so hard to imagine Loyd’s conversation with this strapping young student-athlete when he was recruited. I know it was unintentionally funny, but it’s just too bizarre to imagine.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:30 pm
69
lumpy says:
I understand Marques is a graduate of a Catholic High School (Philadelphia West Catholic). They must be very proud.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:34 pm
70
The Last Dragon says:
Three simple words.
Funniest.Shit.Ever.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:40 pm
71
GreekLeprechaun says:
Just to clarify the brilliance of a couple lines that might not have been picked up on:
Why did the chicken cross the road?
cuz he was all fiend out
________________________________
I believe he is saying the chicken was a crack fiend, and it was fiend[ed] out, ie all cracked out. I’m laughin with him on that one, not at him.
Are you a cat or a dog person?
im fuckin wit a rock or a pit just so it can cha cat
__________________________________
I believe what he was trying to convey is he’d have a ROTT(weiler) or a pit(bull) so it can [eat] cha cat
He may not be the smartest guy, and maybe he was even being intentionally idiotic on some, but honestly, I’d love to kick it with this dude. The line about his shoe being big enough to boot someone the F out was awesome!
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:41 pm
72
PeterPumpkinhead says:
Holy Fucking Shit.
Are you sure this guy isn’t an Irons cousin?
August 22nd, 2007 at 10:10 pm
73
Proctor says:
Next EDSBS tee-shirt”
“BEWARE OF FUCK LION”
I would buy that in a heartbeat and proudly wear it to The Big House.
August 22nd, 2007 at 10:23 pm
74
RyderCup says:
Speechless.
How about an encore? When can this guy make some time for a drop in again – assuming he can miss a class at Michigan?
August 22nd, 2007 at 10:40 pm
75
HeadThief says:
I think Marques could do a nightly show on the Big 10 Court TV network that was recently announced.
http://landthieves.blogspot.com/2007/08/big-10-court-tv-network-launched.html
August 22nd, 2007 at 10:46 pm
76
hareball says:
So, is the fact that the only sane answer in the interview (Favorite Show – The Wire) syncs up with my favorite show disturbing?
Man, I’m off to find a fuck lion.
August 22nd, 2007 at 11:05 pm
77
Homer says:
I did not get into Michigan this year, and this guy did.
Wow, I feel awful about myself.
August 22nd, 2007 at 11:05 pm
78
NewAZTiger says:
How does Tuberville get such a high APR?
His players can spell Sociology.
EDSBS Radio must interview this man.
August 22nd, 2007 at 11:06 pm
79
LSUJoshua says:
Eirishis,
That’s the one that really got me.
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck no.
August 22nd, 2007 at 11:10 pm
80
Run Up The Score says:
I believe “Fuck Lion” is a simple reference to the last eight games against Penn State.
Otherwise, my fucking mind has officially been blown.
August 22nd, 2007 at 11:28 pm
81
BobTyDavieham says:
I just figured out what “bof” was. Thanks #38.
I want some milk and cookies bitches.
August 23rd, 2007 at 12:10 am
82
Bigg Harry says:
Beautiful. Bright, funny, in-your-face. This guy has got it all. In the immortal words of PFC Fancher “Fuck all y’all!”
August 23rd, 2007 at 12:22 am
83
who cares says:
That was funny omg
August 23rd, 2007 at 12:31 am
84
who cares says:
I wanna hang out with this kid.
August 23rd, 2007 at 12:32 am
85
spartymike says:
I just read the entire article for the first time…and I’m distressed to say this gentleman and I share the same favorite TV show. This leaves me speechless.
August 23rd, 2007 at 1:17 am
86
PJ from NU in SF says:
If this kid doesn’t smoke weed already, he needs to check it out. It might just turn him into Pynchon.
August 23rd, 2007 at 1:44 am
87
Nick Saban says:
I don’t have fucking time for water.
August 23rd, 2007 at 1:55 am
88
Jacques says:
dis be da truist shit i eva wrote.
August 23rd, 2007 at 3:20 am
89
Signal to Noise says:
2:37 to down a 40. I feel like I have a new goal in life. Thank, you, Marques!
#2 is the winner, and I will find a way to work “fuck lion” into my everyday vocabulary.
August 23rd, 2007 at 3:26 am
90
Cock D says:
While I respect his answer to the eternal Chicken question, i must expand to the next logical step:
Why did the pervert cross the road?
His dick was stuck in the chicken.
August 23rd, 2007 at 7:05 am
91
kmblue says:
If I’m right, he went to Philly’s West Catholic. No wonder he’s dumb.
August 23rd, 2007 at 7:16 am
92
Scalz1 says:
I can’t wait to yell “Fuck dat spider” everytime this pancakes someone. I can think of about 119 teams in 1A ball that would admit this guy.
August 23rd, 2007 at 7:16 am
93
Biggus Rickus says:
So here’s what we know about the human body: It consists of two parts, one arm and one leg. The rest is a mystery. Fuck Lion is the greatest thing since the last greatest thing.
August 23rd, 2007 at 7:23 am
94
Mätt says:
Holy shit, I can’t believe he actually accepted my friend request on Facebook. I can’t wait to keep an eye on his profile updates. According to his Facebook status… “Marques ‘Grand Marques’ Slocum
is fuckin mad right now cuz im fuckin hurt but its cool cuz ima be back real soon, ima grind through dis bitch! EARLY!”
Injury reports from Facebook! Wee!
August 23rd, 2007 at 7:29 am
95
Mätt says:
Oh, and if you want to hit him up on AIM to clarify how you might be able to acquire your own fuck lion, his screen name is GRAND1MARQUES.
August 23rd, 2007 at 7:30 am
96
DSJ says:
Marcus Slocum – a true “Michigan Man”
Now, what’s that people were saying about Michigan football players not quite measuring up to the Stanford standard?
August 23rd, 2007 at 7:33 am
97
flion says:
#95
fuck lion, I believe, is a reference to one’s genitals, with the hair being the mane.
August 23rd, 2007 at 7:58 am
98
B-Man says:
Someday I will have a t-shirt that reads “My f*ck lion takes bird baths at your girlfriend’s house.” Print that in school colors and you’ve got something.
August 23rd, 2007 at 8:07 am
99
Odell 51 says:
# 52
Jack, it is never too soon to drop a rape stand joke. I honestly think I dropped it five times the day I knew MV had one at his house.
August 23rd, 2007 at 8:08 am
100
Beatuofa says:
I read this for the first time in a restless-but-half-asleep mode last night. Reading it in a restless-but-half-asleep mode at work after only 3 hours sleep somehow makes it even better. Bra-fucking-vo, Marques. Get this man a siren, stat.
August 23rd, 2007 at 8:11 am