HERO FOR OUR TIME: MARQUES ‘GRAND MARQUES’ SLOCUM
We really wouldn’t want to hang out with most football players. As a fan, we’re necessarily put in the tension-filled position of being passionate about a sport whose participants would, on the whole, rather chew their own leg off than hang out with our ilk. (”Hey, wanna come over and watch the DVD of Big Love! It’s the one where Marge finally gets that job she’s been angling for! I’m sooooo happy for her!”)
Sprint/Nextel bitches.
Yet, we think we’ve met the first player we actually would love to hang with on a weekly basis: Michigan’s own Marques “Grand Marques” Slocum. His quiz on his facebook entry is reprinted below, and we don’t mean this in a snickering, elitist, or ironic way at all: Marques sounds fucking awesome. In fact, we’re calling our mom right now to tell her she’s the realest bitch alive. She’ll appreciate it, since she did say “motherfucker” live on the EDSBS radio show.
Sprint/Nextel, bitches. Enjoy.
(Begin edited interview. Questions in italics, answers in bold.)
What is your favorite song of all time?
Just another n***a- state property II
Do you own any pets, and if so what do you have?
Fuck lion say what!
i got a fuck lion now come fuck wit me
Who do you admire most?
My mom CARLA, dat bitch da shit, i love her i think she da realest bitch alive
Do you have any tattoos, and if so what and where?
fuckin real
When do you plan on getting married?
it dont matta cuz i hope my wife know ima be playa 4 life
Get the number or give the number?
i would have 2 say bof
Romance or Kinky Sex?
it dont matta however i can get it
How do you feel?
i feel like killin somebody so dont be dat person… lol….not really dont be dat person
What size shoe do you wear?
a big enouf size 2 boot chu da fuck up outta here
T-Mobile, U.S. Cellular, Cingular/AT&T, or Sprint/Nextel
sprint/nextel bitch! dey got da best phones
Would you rather be hot or cold?
fuckin warm fuck dat hot shit and dat cold shit Id rather it be in da middle
Would you rather lose an arm or a leg?
what da fuck! i needs bof of my muthafuckin body parts
Opera, Musical, Concert, Play, Performance, or Other?
opera- no, musical- no, concert- maybe. play- no, performance- fuuuuuuuuuuuck no, other- no
What is your favorite clothing brand?
state property, im on my philly shit im on my jawn… lol
Most Memorable Past?
shit i couldnt tell u cuz i dont know
If you had to pick one car, which would it be?
96 impala ss
Your favorite Disney Films?
fuck disney
Why did the chicken cross the road?
cuz he was all fiend out
Do you support Paris?
why should i
Where is Waldo?
Waldo: eaten by fuck lion, presumably.
i killed dat punk muthafucka he owed me money
Favorite element?
i would have 2 go with………….. water
What was your last thought?
why da fuck am i doin dis interview
Firefox, Internet Explorer, Netscape, or other?
i dont give a fuck i just want 2 get on
Who are you going to vote for in 2008?
me
Juice and crackers or milk and cookies?
i want sum milk and cookies
Favorite fruit?
watermelon
Which is worse? A bad laugh or a bad cough?
dam mafucka u just fucked up da mood, i guess i aint sayin no more jokes
Are you a cat or a dog person?
im fuckin wit a rock or a pit just so it can cha cat
Would you rather be blind or deaf?
deaf btu dam neither
Define yourself in 3 words…
im da shit
Do you eat cold cereal at night?
what da fuck is cold cereal
What is your favorite TV show?
the wire
Kill the spider or let it out?
man! fuck dat spider
Do you shower every single day?
shit i at least get a bird bath but yea i shower everyday dis summer its 2 hot not 2
Walking past a beggar, spare change or ignore?
shit ima be askin him 4 sum change
Boat or bus?
bus bitch! i cant swim
Where do you want to travel next?
da future
Fuck Bubbles.
What would you do if Michael Jackson asked you out
I be like yea and den ima rob em’, ima steal all his shit and im stealin bubbles and im sellin dat muthafucka
What is your favorite food?
I like 2 licky licky licky licky… lol
Do you read harry potter books?
who da fuck is dat!
If you could have one super human power what would you choose?
come on now i wanna fly i hate walkin dat shit overrated
Have you had a beer in the last week?
shit I downed a forty last night in 2min. and 37sec. yea, beerfest bitch! im ready 4 da boot!
Vitamin Water or Gatorade?
Bof of dem shits is nasty but i fuck wit gatorade
Favorite body part?
my whole fuckin body
Flip flops or sandles?
come on now! what type of question is dat?
What do you do on fridays?
whatever da fuck i feel like doin
Do you like bananas?
do u
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1
Holly says:
I don’t know where to begin. Any one of these could be run into the ground for months with glee, but there’s just too much…it’s the internets equivalent of Wonka’s factory….a world of pure imagination…and fuck lions.
They give out Peabodys for this shit, right?
August 22nd, 2007 at 4:27 pm
2
Jim Harbaugh says:
Told you so.
August 22nd, 2007 at 4:31 pm
3
Brewster Crew says:
Banner day here on EDSBS for the Big Ten.
HALE TU DA VIKTURS, MUTHAFUCKA
August 22nd, 2007 at 4:31 pm
4
now_a_hoo says:
If you think half of your readership didn’t just send a friend request, you’re out of your mind. I hope the fact that I’m already “friends” with Zoltan gets me to the front of the line.
August 22nd, 2007 at 4:34 pm
5
Ben Million says:
man, waldo down a storm drain or some shit
August 22nd, 2007 at 4:34 pm
6
CouchBurnin'Girl says:
That was fucking fabulous!
August 22nd, 2007 at 4:36 pm
7
Eirishis says:
Is this the “Michigan man” Mike Hart was referring to? ‘Cause … wow.
[please don't hurt me, Marques]
August 22nd, 2007 at 4:37 pm
8
Annon says:
As a Michigan fan and alum, I have no comment on Slocum’s quiz. As a fan of college football, I have to say that, even if Slocum never touches the field, he will still be one of my favorite players of all time.
http://michigan.scout.com/2/669440.html
August 22nd, 2007 at 4:38 pm
9
Coop says:
#2
Well done.
August 22nd, 2007 at 4:41 pm
10
jebushchrist says:
I’m left speechless by the Castle Grey Skull of imagination on display here.
August 22nd, 2007 at 4:41 pm
11
Holly says:
Attn: Jim Delaney
Applesauce, bitch.
XOXOX,
The SEC
August 22nd, 2007 at 4:41 pm
12
tzubear says:
Yeah Fuck Bubbles! I mean it, how much you want fo im?
August 22nd, 2007 at 4:42 pm
13
now_a_hoo says:
Eirishis-
This is just one man posting, but I really think Bo would have approved of “Fuck Disney”, and not just for Rudy-related reasons.
(Also, I can’t figure out how much the electric bill was last summer. Maybe 60% of what it was this past summer?)
August 22nd, 2007 at 4:42 pm
14
Oops Pow Surprise says:
Holy shit.
Hooooooly shit.
That is the greatest thing I have ever read.
August 22nd, 2007 at 4:42 pm
15
DC Trojan says:
If walking is over-rated, then surely he could spare a leg after all? I’m surprised he doesn’t just levitate everywhere.
August 22nd, 2007 at 4:42 pm
16
DevilGrad says:
Holly — If Jim Delaney could get the Big Ten Network to pair up with Facebook for a feature show, then we might have something worth paying for on cable.
August 22nd, 2007 at 4:49 pm
17
Palouse says:
what da fuck is cold cereal
Obviously, you’re not a golfer.
Define “fortify”.
I axd da bitch how much, she said fortify.
August 22nd, 2007 at 4:50 pm
18
LSUJoshua says:
I’m glad to read in that link that Mr. Slocum (a hale and hearty “fuck disney” to you as well sir) is academically troubled but is succeeding. Because, I read that quiz with the Big Televen Commish and the dudes from MGoBlog and MZone floating around my conscience, bragging about how mind blowingly awesome UM academics are compared to the shoddy SEC and thinking, “this is the type of supreriority they are bragging about?” Damn. That run-on sentence brought to you by the letters L, S, and U and the number 72.
August 22nd, 2007 at 4:52 pm
19
Pooley Hubert says:
i’m glad somebody stepped up and filled the canyonesque void left by the Irons brothers.
August 22nd, 2007 at 4:53 pm
20
Bama says:
I’m ready for the BOOT!! That’s great. This is Irons brothers funny.
August 22nd, 2007 at 4:53 pm
21
robert says:
“Beerfest bitch! I’m ready 4 da boot!”
Officially in my lexicon.
August 22nd, 2007 at 4:55 pm
22
LSUJoshua says:
Like Oops said, that is the greatest thing I have ever read. I just read it for the third time, giggling and lightheaded.
Seriously:
1. That quiz
2. The Holy Bible
3. Fahrenheit 451
August 22nd, 2007 at 5:00 pm
23
okiedomer says:
I love how, in the midst of all this mind-blowing hilarity, he stops to give a thoughtful answer to the question of “favorite element.”
I like water too, Marques.
August 22nd, 2007 at 5:03 pm
24
MCab says:
I concur w/ #1, this is a trove for more inside jokes than we know what to do with. EDSBS will only become more confusing to the rookie.
Effdat spidah . . .
August 22nd, 2007 at 5:04 pm
25
now_a_hoo says:
LSUJoshua-
Football players are the dumbest people at any school not called MIT. What should concern you is the possibility that a similar survey response could have been written by an LSU student /not on the football team/. Also, it’s not like he turned in a term paper with “Fuck Thomas Pynchon!” written at the top; this is on his facebook profile.
August 22nd, 2007 at 5:04 pm
26
The New Math: 86=1 says:
I’m just waiting for him to say he’s watching [whoever wins the HEISEMEN trophy]. Slocum like HEISMENS.
August 22nd, 2007 at 5:04 pm
27
PW says:
This is like one of those movies with so many funny scenes that you can’t even describe it to your friends.
August 22nd, 2007 at 5:05 pm
28
PW says:
I guess a fuck lion makes a blowjob midget seem tame by comparison.
August 22nd, 2007 at 5:07 pm
29
gerry dorsey says:
i just sat here looking at the comment box for five minutes trying to figure out what to write, but i am overwhelmed. maybe the hardest i’ve ever laughed at this site….and that’s saying something.
where can i get a fuck lion???
August 22nd, 2007 at 5:08 pm
30
Holly says:
Also, it’s not like he turned in a term paper with “Fuck Thomas Pynchon!” written at the top.
Although that certainly wouldn’t hurt, nor is it out of the realm of possibility.
August 22nd, 2007 at 5:09 pm
31
DevilGrad says:
Next EDSBS tee-shirt”
“BEWARE OF FUCK LION”
August 22nd, 2007 at 5:11 pm
32
Coach Saban says:
Favorite element?
i would have 2 go with………….. water
I am dying over here.
August 22nd, 2007 at 5:16 pm
33
DiamondM says:
I thank God everyday that youtube and facebook and myspace, not to mention video and camera cell phones, were not around when I was in college. I can’t imagine having to explain to future employers or potential spouses the kind of stuff that might have shown up. It sends shivers up my spine sometimes.
August 22nd, 2007 at 5:16 pm
34
omar says:
When I saw ‘ Wat da fuck is cold cereal?’ I thought of Chappelle’s standup… classic, purely classic
August 22nd, 2007 at 5:24 pm
35
Chg says:
Imagine what kind of players they could get if they didn’t have so much of that academic integrity Delany talks about.
Marques is obviously a classics major so engrossed in his studies that when asked to pick an element, he automatically thinks of the Aristotelian world view.
August 22nd, 2007 at 5:30 pm
36
oc phil says:
If you do ever end up hanging out with football players on a friday night in the offseason, one phrase you don’t want to hear is “Let’s see how much the white boy can drink”.
Bad things result, trust me.
August 22nd, 2007 at 5:31 pm
37
Futbawl Fan says:
eliminate the questions here and we have a grammy winning new rap song in his responses
i feel like killin somebody so dont be dat person…
….not really dont be dat person
a big enouf size 2 boot chu da fuck up outta here
sprint/nextel bitch! dey got da best phones
fuckin warm
fuck dat hot shit
and dat cold shit
Id rather it be in da middle
refrain:
why da fuck am i doin dis interview
why da fuck am i doin dis interview
why da fuck am i doin dis interview
August 22nd, 2007 at 5:34 pm
38
brink says:
I can’t make fun of this….I need bof of my muthafuckin body parts…
August 22nd, 2007 at 5:34 pm
39
Chg says:
Steve Spurrier just called the university president and demanded that South Carolina hire Michigan’s Director of Admissions.
August 22nd, 2007 at 5:40 pm
40
Cock Moore says:
He obviously needs to read a book.
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=11302757
August 22nd, 2007 at 5:44 pm
41
RaginCajunRebel says:
“im da shit”
yes you are, buddy. And it looks like I can forget about Waldo paying me back the money he owes me. Also, Man! fuck dat spider.
August 22nd, 2007 at 5:44 pm
42
AAB says:
As far as the academic jokes go, Slocum has actually spent a couple years trying to get eligible, and it’s a pretty great story that he’s now finally getting to suit up. He’s become one of the favorites among a lot of Michigan fans before even taking the field because he’s stuck with it for so long.
Not that the jokes aren’t funny anyway.
August 22nd, 2007 at 5:50 pm
43
Joey says:
If Michigan had a team full of players who spent two years working as tirelessly as Slocum did in the classroom to get into Michigan and give himself an opportunity to be a Wolverine, Michigan would probably never lose. Maybe not something for the University’s homepage, but I’ll ride with Marques any day.
That said, and in the spirit of EDSBS, I am most found of his answer to the bananas question. Lots of possibilities there.
August 22nd, 2007 at 5:54 pm
44
LSUJoshua says:
25
You mean to tell me that as sure as gravity and paris is a whore that there very possibly are stupid people at my state school alma mater!?!?!?! Are you shittin’ me Pyle?!?!?!?!?!??!!
Up might as well be down now. I need to sit down and reflect on this.
The point was that Michigan’s AD and adherrent blog nation just got done pissing down on all of the entire SEC when it comes to smarts. When everyone knows we are have plenty of Grand Marques in our respective ranks.
August 22nd, 2007 at 5:54 pm
45
Joey says:
fond*
August 22nd, 2007 at 5:55 pm
46
Tacopants says:
Chg, If you take a single incident ( Marques’ facebook page) as a counter-proof of a more general thing ( Jim Delany talking about SEC academics ), I can offer your post ( single incident ) as an example of how shitty SEC statistics courses are. Ever heard about outliers?
LSUJoshua, deluded are we? As far as I can remember, MGoBlog and MZone condemned Delaney’s pompous claim. And their insinuations mostly are satire. Just like EDSBS.
Just don’t send Les Miles North-ways.
August 22nd, 2007 at 6:06 pm
47
Out of Conference says:
“im fuckin wit a rock or a pit just so it can cha cat”
I now know how I’m signing the Christmas cards this year.
August 22nd, 2007 at 6:16 pm
48
Out of Conference says:
Oh yeah, also, could somehow help me out with what a “bird bath” is?
August 22nd, 2007 at 6:18 pm
49
Eirishis says:
Continuing the data mining…
opera- no, musical- no, concert- maybe. play- no, performance- fuuuuuuuuuuuck no, other- no
Man, what bad “performance” experience did he have to rank this lower than opera?
August 22nd, 2007 at 6:19 pm
50
DevilGrad says:
Damn, #45, don’t be using that statistics and sociology shit to mess up a perfectly good discussion of fuck lions.
Besides, check out the Penn State photos in the post below this one. It’s TWO anecdotal examples — just today.
August 22nd, 2007 at 6:20 pm
51
fife in pdx says:
honestly, dont know whether to laugh or cry.
August 22nd, 2007 at 6:23 pm
52
Jack says:
Do fuck lions come with rape stands?
Too soon?
August 22nd, 2007 at 6:26 pm
53
The Great Barstoolio says:
Why did the chicken cross the road?
cuz he was all fiend out
If you locked me in a closet for 10 years to think I could not have come up with that. I think I’m going to be sick from laughing.
August 22nd, 2007 at 6:32 pm
54
cbs5090 says:
Holy Cow…Like most others this is way too much material. WAY TOO MUCH. Orson, you could have stretched out each response over the entire season and still had left over material.
Other than that………Chg.
+2 for 35 and 39, both classics.
August 22nd, 2007 at 6:57 pm
55
brad says:
I be like yea and den ima rob em’, ima steal all his shit and im stealin bubbles and im sellin dat muthafucka………..HALARIOUS…… I went to highschool with Marcus Thomas from Florida and if you think this is bad you should sit down 5 minutes with marcus. its close though but once he stole some freshmans note in PE and tried to read it out loud and didnt get past the name…funniest highschool moment
August 22nd, 2007 at 7:06 pm
56
robert says:
According to Urban Dictionary, a “bird bath” is:
“a quick washing of the genitals just to make them fresh in the chance you may get action. bird bath b/c it is a small bath and b/c if you wanted to you could dip your balls in a bird bath (or the sink) and wash them. The intent is to wash away potential ball sweat which can dissuade a lady from give a bj”
And I thought this was Pynchon….?
August 22nd, 2007 at 7:06 pm
57
akaRonMexico says:
I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that he won’t be part of the 38%.
August 22nd, 2007 at 7:11 pm
58
Gurn says:
Golf clap for #2.
Good Lord, this blog has some quality.
August 22nd, 2007 at 7:14 pm
59
Out of Conference says:
#54 – Much thanks, Robert. Fuck the bidee, I’m putting in a bird bath. It’s not like I’m asking for a rusty trombone or anything.
August 22nd, 2007 at 7:20 pm
60
SA says:
Literature like this makes me proud to be a Michigan fan.
Really.
August 22nd, 2007 at 7:30 pm
61
Joe says:
water isn’t an element
August 22nd, 2007 at 7:34 pm
62
Blou says:
First post on EDSBS…but more importantly, ha, ha, I have hung out with Marques and yes, to answer the question on everyone’s mind, it was amazing.
I won’t get into details, but I can tell you that his fuck lion will get you balls high. And then eat you. Because he’s, you know, a lion.
August 22nd, 2007 at 7:42 pm
63
Mike says:
My favorite part is how he gets so offended by “Which is worse? A bad laugh or a bad cough?”
August 22nd, 2007 at 7:55 pm
64
gjk says:
I’m thinking he’s a General Studies major like most of the others. Yeah… General Studies, or maybe Pre-Law.
August 22nd, 2007 at 8:03 pm
65
DL says:
It had to be done…
http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c65/dlucero22/roflbot.jpg
August 22nd, 2007 at 8:21 pm
66
JohnnyBGood says:
Its so going over your heads boys – tsk, tsk. I’m guessing this was done as part of an assignment for one of UM’s upper-level “urban studies” programs as a study in the ironic uses of Ebonics in modern media. Note how he addresses the “keepin’ it real” motif with his ‘96 Impala answer. This is a man of the people, no pimped out Lexus for this man. Then he rejects major media (Disney) that too readily feeds on negative stereotypes of the black man (I mean, have you seen “Snow Dogs”???!!). Finally, he totally bursts the stereotype of the dog-fighting, animal-torturing football player so prevalent at the moment – does he feed Bubbles to the Fuck Lion? No sir, its off to a nice home for Bubbles, probably with some decent, MJ-obsessed fans.
August 22nd, 2007 at 8:22 pm
67
maskedavenger says:
I believe that as a Michigan fan it is my obligation to comment, and I have now done so. Sigh.
August 22nd, 2007 at 8:22 pm
68
macker says:
I am trying so hard to imagine Loyd’s conversation with this strapping young student-athlete when he was recruited. I know it was unintentionally funny, but it’s just too bizarre to imagine.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:30 pm
69
lumpy says:
I understand Marques is a graduate of a Catholic High School (Philadelphia West Catholic). They must be very proud.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:34 pm
70
The Last Dragon says:
Three simple words.
Funniest.Shit.Ever.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:40 pm
71
GreekLeprechaun says:
Just to clarify the brilliance of a couple lines that might not have been picked up on:
Why did the chicken cross the road?
cuz he was all fiend out
________________________________
I believe he is saying the chicken was a crack fiend, and it was fiend[ed] out, ie all cracked out. I’m laughin with him on that one, not at him.
Are you a cat or a dog person?
im fuckin wit a rock or a pit just so it can cha cat
__________________________________
I believe what he was trying to convey is he’d have a ROTT(weiler) or a pit(bull) so it can [eat] cha cat
He may not be the smartest guy, and maybe he was even being intentionally idiotic on some, but honestly, I’d love to kick it with this dude. The line about his shoe being big enough to boot someone the F out was awesome!
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:41 pm
72
PeterPumpkinhead says:
Holy Fucking Shit.
Are you sure this guy isn’t an Irons cousin?
August 22nd, 2007 at 10:10 pm
73
Proctor says:
Next EDSBS tee-shirt”
“BEWARE OF FUCK LION”
I would buy that in a heartbeat and proudly wear it to The Big House.
August 22nd, 2007 at 10:23 pm
74
RyderCup says:
Speechless.
How about an encore? When can this guy make some time for a drop in again – assuming he can miss a class at Michigan?
August 22nd, 2007 at 10:40 pm
75
HeadThief says:
I think Marques could do a nightly show on the Big 10 Court TV network that was recently announced.
http://landthieves.blogspot.com/2007/08/big-10-court-tv-network-launched.html
August 22nd, 2007 at 10:46 pm
76
hareball says:
So, is the fact that the only sane answer in the interview (Favorite Show – The Wire) syncs up with my favorite show disturbing?
Man, I’m off to find a fuck lion.
August 22nd, 2007 at 11:05 pm
77
Homer says:
I did not get into Michigan this year, and this guy did.
Wow, I feel awful about myself.
August 22nd, 2007 at 11:05 pm
78
NewAZTiger says:
How does Tuberville get such a high APR?
His players can spell Sociology.
EDSBS Radio must interview this man.
August 22nd, 2007 at 11:06 pm
79
LSUJoshua says:
Eirishis,
That’s the one that really got me.
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck no.
August 22nd, 2007 at 11:10 pm
80
Run Up The Score says:
I believe “Fuck Lion” is a simple reference to the last eight games against Penn State.
Otherwise, my fucking mind has officially been blown.
August 22nd, 2007 at 11:28 pm
81
BobTyDavieham says:
I just figured out what “bof” was. Thanks #38.
I want some milk and cookies bitches.
August 23rd, 2007 at 12:10 am
82
Bigg Harry says:
Beautiful. Bright, funny, in-your-face. This guy has got it all. In the immortal words of PFC Fancher “Fuck all y’all!”
August 23rd, 2007 at 12:22 am
83
who cares says:
That was funny omg
August 23rd, 2007 at 12:31 am
84
who cares says:
I wanna hang out with this kid.
August 23rd, 2007 at 12:32 am
85
spartymike says:
I just read the entire article for the first time…and I’m distressed to say this gentleman and I share the same favorite TV show. This leaves me speechless.
August 23rd, 2007 at 1:17 am
86
PJ from NU in SF says:
If this kid doesn’t smoke weed already, he needs to check it out. It might just turn him into Pynchon.
August 23rd, 2007 at 1:44 am
87
Nick Saban says:
I don’t have fucking time for water.
August 23rd, 2007 at 1:55 am
88
Jacques says:
dis be da truist shit i eva wrote.
August 23rd, 2007 at 3:20 am
89
Signal to Noise says:
2:37 to down a 40. I feel like I have a new goal in life. Thank, you, Marques!
#2 is the winner, and I will find a way to work “fuck lion” into my everyday vocabulary.
August 23rd, 2007 at 3:26 am
90
Cock D says:
While I respect his answer to the eternal Chicken question, i must expand to the next logical step:
Why did the pervert cross the road?
His dick was stuck in the chicken.
August 23rd, 2007 at 7:05 am
91
kmblue says:
If I’m right, he went to Philly’s West Catholic. No wonder he’s dumb.
August 23rd, 2007 at 7:16 am
92
Scalz1 says:
I can’t wait to yell “Fuck dat spider” everytime this pancakes someone. I can think of about 119 teams in 1A ball that would admit this guy.
August 23rd, 2007 at 7:16 am
93
Biggus Rickus says:
So here’s what we know about the human body: It consists of two parts, one arm and one leg. The rest is a mystery. Fuck Lion is the greatest thing since the last greatest thing.
August 23rd, 2007 at 7:23 am
94
Mätt says:
Holy shit, I can’t believe he actually accepted my friend request on Facebook. I can’t wait to keep an eye on his profile updates. According to his Facebook status… “Marques ‘Grand Marques’ Slocum
is fuckin mad right now cuz im fuckin hurt but its cool cuz ima be back real soon, ima grind through dis bitch! EARLY!”
Injury reports from Facebook! Wee!
August 23rd, 2007 at 7:29 am
95
Mätt says:
Oh, and if you want to hit him up on AIM to clarify how you might be able to acquire your own fuck lion, his screen name is GRAND1MARQUES.
August 23rd, 2007 at 7:30 am
96
DSJ says:
Marcus Slocum – a true “Michigan Man”
Now, what’s that people were saying about Michigan football players not quite measuring up to the Stanford standard?
August 23rd, 2007 at 7:33 am
97
flion says:
#95
fuck lion, I believe, is a reference to one’s genitals, with the hair being the mane.
August 23rd, 2007 at 7:58 am
98
B-Man says:
Someday I will have a t-shirt that reads “My f*ck lion takes bird baths at your girlfriend’s house.” Print that in school colors and you’ve got something.
August 23rd, 2007 at 8:07 am
99
Odell 51 says:
# 52
Jack, it is never too soon to drop a rape stand joke. I honestly think I dropped it five times the day I knew MV had one at his house.
August 23rd, 2007 at 8:08 am
100
Beatuofa says:
I read this for the first time in a restless-but-half-asleep mode last night. Reading it in a restless-but-half-asleep mode at work after only 3 hours sleep somehow makes it even better. Bra-fucking-vo, Marques. Get this man a siren, stat.
August 23rd, 2007 at 8:11 am
101
DAve says:
Dare I even ask what “2 licky licky licky licky” is?
August 23rd, 2007 at 8:13 am
102
Oops Pow Surprise says:
Matt – Can’t say I can respect handing out his personal information like that. Poor form.
August 23rd, 2007 at 8:16 am
103
Scalz1 says:
Slocum pwns Maroney
August 23rd, 2007 at 8:16 am
104
Biggus Rickus says:
I believe “2 licky licky licky licky” is to perform cunnilingus, perhaps multiple times.
August 23rd, 2007 at 8:17 am
105
Edsall is God says:
“what da fuck! i needs bof of my muthafuckin body parts”
That is quite possibly the funniest thing I have read in my entire life. I just pulled the whole LOL at work and couldnt tell anyone why I just laughed. What a brilliant answer. I want to plat Edward 40-Hands with this guy tomorrow. And I HATE Michigan.
Jim Delaney is right, the Big 11 does have all the smart kids. This sir is a genius.
August 23rd, 2007 at 8:24 am
106
Southern Papa says:
A mind is a terrible thing to waste. Thank goodness one has not been wasted on Marcus.
August 23rd, 2007 at 8:26 am
107
Andy says:
+100 cocktails to #2.
August 23rd, 2007 at 8:29 am
108
DAve says:
Ah yes, the “2″ threw me as I failed to recognize it as a preposition within that context. I can’t believe I just said that.
August 23rd, 2007 at 8:30 am
109
Unhappy Monkey says:
Y’all never heard of satire or farce? This STUDENT athlete’s talent is clearly in writing and not on the field. Except this part:
“Boat or bus? bus bitch! i cant swim”
I bet this is true.
August 23rd, 2007 at 8:31 am
110
SunDawg says:
Outstanding reporting; I see a new weekly feature on EDSBS, “Facebook Faceoff” or some such shit.
You could have slipped pictures of semi-naked coeds in this article, you know.
August 23rd, 2007 at 8:34 am
111
Rob says:
Hahahahhaa
August 23rd, 2007 at 8:36 am
112
Whitey says:
Of all the days to leave work early.
Tears just fucking streaming down…
August 23rd, 2007 at 8:48 am
113
mhentz says:
I have no idea what a fuck lion is but I want one!
August 23rd, 2007 at 8:51 am
114
DAve says:
When your mother calls you, weeping with joy, remember to thank me:
http://i108.photobucket.com/albums/n18/dawgterfeelgood/mothers_day_card.jpg
August 23rd, 2007 at 8:54 am
115
Mätt says:
#100, he posted his screen name on Facebook and approved me as a friend without knowing who the hell I am, so that “contact info”can’t be THAT personal.
Sweet job, DAve. Printing now…
August 23rd, 2007 at 9:04 am
116
trey says:
This is funny. But some of you need to remember that Marques worked his ass off for two years to get into Michigan. He was supposed to be a freshman like 2 years ago but went to prep school and then had to sit his first year at Michigan to become eligible. He could’ve easily have gone to MSU or Penn State yet he chose to work hard and it will be paying off in the future. He’s going to be a stud on the UM D for the next few years.
August 23rd, 2007 at 9:04 am
117
Jonathan says:
That was incredible, absolutely wonderful! The addition of people trying to explain his answers in the comments just added to the amazing humor– I’m looking at you 71, though I worry that people think the average EDSBS reader couldn’t interpret those responses.
August 23rd, 2007 at 9:07 am
118
Kat says:
Hail to the Kinesiology majors!
I assume he won’t be one of the 32% of black players who actually gets their a degree at the Whore?
August 23rd, 2007 at 9:07 am
119
Scalz1 says:
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y101/solidkane/FDS.jpg
August 23rd, 2007 at 9:11 am
120
DevilGrad says:
Re #113 and with a shoutout back to #66:
I, for one, look forward to the next installment of “The Hermeneutics of ‘Fuck Dat Spider’.”
August 23rd, 2007 at 9:16 am
121
NickSabanisHungLikeaMule says:
#87 that was priceless!
August 23rd, 2007 at 9:36 am
122
DevilGrad says:
Make that #117. I love it when these threads grow from the middle.
August 23rd, 2007 at 9:41 am
123
BluerthanU says:
I know Marques and have to let you guys in a couple things.
1) I’ve seen in him in a fish out of water situation and he handled himself a mature manner. In fact, of his peers he was the best behaved and most under control.
2) He understands how to manipulate the media. Kids these days watch Paris Hilton and know how to generate a little press. He is not hurt, but he got some mention on Mgoblog, saying he was.
3) 2 weeks back into football after a 2 year break and he is 2nd string. This kid is a Beast and will be owning QB’s all season. This interview will just add to his hype.
Say what you want, but I’m telling you I think he has a pretty good idea about what he is doing. I wouldn’t be shocked that all the ink on the net leads to a call into Lloyds office tho.
August 23rd, 2007 at 9:53 am
124
HFS says:
Short on time, I skipped over this yesterday thinking it wouldn’t be that funny. Then I see it linked on another board this morning. Glad I caught it.
Cocktails to many of the responses, especially #2 and #35.
And as funny and unintelligible as I find the Irons brothers, this guy is in a whole different league. They can’t hang wit dat. But they have the comedy team banter thing, so they’ve got that going for them.
August 23rd, 2007 at 9:59 am
125
Justin Cliburn says:
I can only assume he hasn’t passed Comp I and II yet . . . please, don’t tell me he has.
August 23rd, 2007 at 9:59 am
126
Trojan Chica says:
If he accepts my facebook add, I am gonna be on there all the damn time, sending him more dumbass interviews.
Thanks DAve, my mothers day shopping is now done – 9 months early.
August 23rd, 2007 at 10:02 am
127
john says:
There is a 100% chance he won’t be adding to the list of Michigan alums that go on to be astronauts.
August 23rd, 2007 at 10:12 am
128
Out of Conference says:
127 john – I’m guessing he’ll be in the Jarvis Moss Advanced Track Aeronautics program, if he’s not already.
August 23rd, 2007 at 10:21 am
129
Katy says:
I just spent upwards of 45 minutes reading every word of this (with intermittant pauses to regain composure), and it’s the best 45 minutes of my life. “Fuck Bubbles” is priceless.
August 23rd, 2007 at 10:21 am
130
AU_DNA says:
He writes like a present-day Uncle Remus!
August 23rd, 2007 at 10:22 am
131
Kenny says:
Cocktails for 28, 39
O, heed the suggestion written in 78. I was prepared to make that point, but AZ beat me to it.
Bird bath might also be a good shirt …
August 23rd, 2007 at 10:52 am
132
Fuck Lion says:
here’s my question: What the fuck is a jawn?
August 23rd, 2007 at 11:08 am
133
clashmore says:
bus bitch! i cant swim
August 23rd, 2007 at 11:20 am
134
LakeCoBuck says:
This scholar athlete makes OSU very very proud.
Lloyd, are you awake?
LCB
August 23rd, 2007 at 11:28 am
135
Barry Pierson says:
When he was a little kid, Jim Harbaugh once ate peanuts out of my poop.
August 23rd, 2007 at 11:46 am
136
JPMelk says:
I think underneath it all, he’s just another snarky, elitist hipster:
i.e.,
“Fuck Disney.”
and his favorite TV show is The Wire.
Of course, he did kill Waldo…
August 23rd, 2007 at 11:57 am
137
maomatt says:
I like water
August 23rd, 2007 at 12:00 pm
138
Rick says:
I like how all of them have curses, except “Favorite Fruit.”
I could imagine him saying that with an english accent while wearing a derby and eating crumpets
August 23rd, 2007 at 12:01 pm
139
Big Ten Joe says:
#2 — Funniest comment in days (and that is saying a lot here).
August 23rd, 2007 at 12:05 pm
140
Stacy Keibler Luvs Me says:
I thought Rick James died a few years ago?!
August 23rd, 2007 at 12:09 pm
141
rolando says:
#132: Jawn is Afrophillyspeak for just about anything. It’s a filler noun. That’s my jawn!
August 23rd, 2007 at 12:27 pm
142
Buckeye Bob says:
As an Ohio State fan, it confirmed my suspicions of the typical Michigan student/athlete (aka future felon).
They must be sooo proud up there in Ann Arbor.
Hail! Wif dem punkass bitches
Hail! Kill dem po-lice snitches
Hail! Hail! We got da guns
The future convictees
August 23rd, 2007 at 12:48 pm
143
Scalz1 says:
Says the fan of the school that has a former player in the Ohio state penitentiary.
Typical.
August 23rd, 2007 at 1:05 pm
144
Granddaddy Long Legs says:
“Told you so.
Comment by Jim Harbaugh”
_________________________
That was funny.
August 23rd, 2007 at 1:53 pm
145
ImalwaysMoody says:
Dood,
I”m reading this in a coffeehouse, laughing my ass off.
…people are staring.
The funniest thing I’ve ever read.
August 23rd, 2007 at 3:49 pm
146
BEEDLEJOOSE says:
Mah name iz Beedlejoose…….ahm gonna git hot for da wimmins.
August 23rd, 2007 at 4:32 pm
147
Suavdaddy says:
As a double MI alum, I am even more proud of him than I was already.
This man rules and will kill all of you with his Fuck Lion.
Awesomeness
August 23rd, 2007 at 5:28 pm
148
John Patterson says:
Bush’s next recess appointment for head of Department of Education?
August 23rd, 2007 at 5:37 pm
149
Brian says:
Your favorite Disney Films?
fuck disney
I can’t even tell you bad I wish he had answered:
The Fuck Lion King
August 23rd, 2007 at 7:13 pm
150
Lori says:
Dat wuz da fuckin shizznit yo
August 23rd, 2007 at 8:20 pm
151
MrP says:
Sub-Human
August 23rd, 2007 at 8:27 pm
152
Robuka Kenderle says:
I see that this student athlete will make great use of his english degree from Michigan.
He is qualified enough to be president and he is waaaay ahead of the 50% of adults in Detroit who are illiterate. Or 50 Cents.
The guy’s future looks great.
August 23rd, 2007 at 10:21 pm
153
Robuka Kenderle says:
Can we have a little poll here to see what the funniest line was?
I vote for the mom question:
Who do you admire most?
My mom CARLA, dat bitch da shit, i love her i think she da realest bitch alive
Sheer effing poetry bitch.
August 23rd, 2007 at 10:25 pm
154
Kentucky Prophet says:
Do you have any tattoos, and if so what and where?
fuckin real
Fuckin real indeed man. Fuckin real indeed.
August 24th, 2007 at 1:49 am
155
Malcolm Gladwell says:
Viral. Absolutely V I R A L.
Grand Marques, EDSBS = Innovators
We = Early Adopters
“Fuck Lion”
“More Cowbell”
“Nunchuck Skills”
There are just some things a Renaissance Man has got to know.
August 24th, 2007 at 9:16 am
156
poindexter says:
What a moron, he should be locked up with Vick.
August 24th, 2007 at 10:14 am
157
Cowbearsfan says:
149…bravo, man. Bravo.
I have a brother that goes to OSU and I’m pretty sure his boys are laughin their asses off right now!
Hail to those old dumb fuckers!
August 24th, 2007 at 11:38 am
158
solorunner says:
Vick may be a moron but this jack-tard is totally brain dead . Even reading the comments several times I couldnt figure out what this goon was talking about.
August 24th, 2007 at 11:54 am
159
poindexter says:
truly a “brotha from another palnet”. Certainly isn’t from this one…
August 24th, 2007 at 12:24 pm
160
poindexter says:
truly a “brotha from another planet”. An ignorant one at that. He’s taken ebonics to a whole new level.
August 24th, 2007 at 12:25 pm
161
Will says:
Anyone who can’t see that Marques’s use of slang and profanity was part of the joke, is as stupid as you are trying to make him out to be. Very poor judgement on his part to post this on such a site. And naive to think that the so-called friends that he let read it are friends.
Another classic example of cultures clashing and others passing superior judgement, when it is quite obvious that the answers were written in an urban dialect/text form to enhance the humor. The kid has a lot of wit but is naive when it comes to the intentions and agendas of people.
This will serve as a very good lesson. We love you Ques, and you will get pass this
August 24th, 2007 at 9:03 pm
162
Liam says:
Who are you going to vote for in 2008?
me
That makes 2 of us.
August 24th, 2007 at 9:40 pm
163
Ben says:
I have poked Marques “Grand Marques” Slocom
August 25th, 2007 at 1:06 am
164
Nutsac Sailboat says:
Is this guy related to Kenny Irons??
August 25th, 2007 at 9:39 am
165
Nutsac Sailboat says:
Sprint/Nextel bitch, I’m muthafuckin out
August 25th, 2007 at 9:40 am
166
brushfire bill says:
Inspirational.
Marques ventures into James Lipton’s Inside The Actor’s Studio…
http://www.barkingcarnival.com/scipio-tex/marques-slocum-michigan-football-intellectual-ventures-inside-the-actors-studio
August 25th, 2007 at 12:28 pm
167
MCab says:
I am in complete agreement with him about favorite car. The 96 Impala is a car inspired by Mayra Veronica.
August 25th, 2007 at 4:39 pm
168
LLyod says:
U in da dog house.
I hope da shit likes to run bleachers at o’dark thirty in da morning.
August 28th, 2007 at 12:51 pm
169
Petey Wheatstraw says:
It follows, then, that the mane of Lee Corso’s fuck lion is artificial.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:01 pm
170
Walt Disney says:
Fuck Marques Slocum.
August 29th, 2007 at 2:36 pm
171
Nichole says:
That was totally awesome.
Fuck lion is the best line.
August 30th, 2007 at 12:58 pm
172
Senore Bitey says:
In reading the responses to this ‘interview’ I would venture a guess that the vast majority of you are white. It’s funny how a lot of you seem to think that you know what this kid will be about academics wise because of something you’ve seen on his face page or myspace or wherever this was found.
I can assure you that as is the case with most minorities, we have separate faces that we use when we deal with people and situations outside the normal experience of our culture and environment. I get the feeling that he is the big, gregarious, happy go lucky goof ball that he comes off as…I mean he did say of his mother that ‘dat bitch is the realist bitch’…but just because you’ve seen a glimpse of what he’s probably like when he’s emersed in the culture that he’s familiar with doesn’t mean you know what he’ll be like or do when he’s sitting in the classroom or in the meeting room or any situation that is white male authority driven…OR, just authority period without regard to skin color or ethnicity, just a situation that requires discipline and submission to authority. You have no idea how the guy will respond to that by reading his face page/myspace/blog or whatever it was.
Particularly to the people who’ve responded with some sort of smugness that the notion of Michigan having high academic standards is bull because you just read one of their football players using slang and talking like he’s straight ot of ‘the hood’…you honestly don’t know a damned thing about this kid…really, you don’t. You don’t know how he’ll do in the classroom, you don’t know how he’ll represent the university or how his time at Michigan will impact it’s academic record. You don’t know the first thing other than when he’s not in a serious situation, he’s something of a goof.
August 31st, 2007 at 11:09 am
173
Senore Bitey says:
…and since he’s just getting going at the University and in his career, you can’t say that what you’ve read is proof of Jim ‘Turn Around So I Can Stick The Knife In’ Harbaugh’s comments
August 31st, 2007 at 11:16 am
174
Lewis12345 says:
“Fuck bubbles”
August 31st, 2007 at 4:20 pm
175
Marques says:
y da fuk do u guyz h8 me im da tru gangsta
August 31st, 2007 at 4:31 pm
176
App St8 jigga says:
Daym we beet dem beitch ass nigga at dey big hizouse mayne marques got rulled on like da tru bitch he izz
September 7th, 2007 at 11:10 am
177
? says:
What the hell is wrong with this kid? A fuck lion? And how did he even know Michael Jackson’s monkey was named Bubbles? WHY WOULD HE REMEMBER THAT!?
Define yourself in three words…”I’m da shit”.
September 26th, 2007 at 4:44 pm
178
Photo Joe says:
omfg this was just the pick me up i needed today…i’m laughing so hard i’m crying….gotta love ignorant people!
October 25th, 2007 at 12:52 pm
179
Mark Z says:
Senore Bitey: Face page?
November 13th, 2007 at 10:08 pm
180
umich1 says:
I had a class with this kid for one day — greatest experience of my life. He now has a drew gooden beard. Oh god. Awesome.
February 19th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
181
Shane says:
Re: last comment
I, too, had a class with Marques Slocum my senior year of undergrad. It was actually one of professor Hagen’s classes, one day, we split into groups to do survey work. When one of the group members called on Mr. Slocum to answer a question, he said, “Aw, shit, I don’t know — I’m not used to standing up in class. I’m used to standing up to get awards and shit.” And then he left the room.
April 21st, 2008 at 9:17 pm
182
Joshua W says:
What a stereotypical person….now people will feel sorry for him for absolutely no reason. We are all that much more dumb after reading his slow minded retarded azz response.YO…Im da Shiznit homey…bow down or get rolled up…Holla..what an idiot.
May 3rd, 2008 at 8:21 pm
183
fuck lion defined says:
K for your information, asshole, I have seen a lion. And not one of your crap ass queen of the jungle homoerotic pussy-cat lions. A real lion, with fangs and horns and wings and shit. Don’t pull your fucking wierd ass african voodoo hypnosis crap on me when you don’t even know wtf you’re talking about.
July 18th, 2008 at 2:49 am
184
Lucky Charms says:
I too am often confused by cold cereal. It is like…you have to chew it, but at the same time you are eating it with a spoon…that just doesn’t happen anymore. Not since yogurt anyway. I am so glad that University funds help people like Grand Am get a college degree. That was easily the most productive accopmlishment in the last half century.
August 19th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
185
wow says:
i’m speechless. pure genius. the only thing i found wrong was w/ the element question.
he should’ve answered…
“the element of surprise, bitch.”
December 9th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
186
Bubbles DA Baddest Chimp says:
Jawn is just “Joint” with a little flair.. You can pretty much insert it anywhere. And not that joint for all you weed heads. More like joint like in place.
I’m out this Jawn.
July 7th, 2009 at 8:33 pm
187
Jeff says:
“Senore Bitey says:
In reading the responses to this ‘interview’ I would venture a guess that the vast majority of you are white. It’s funny how a lot of you seem to think that you know what this kid will be about academics wise because of something you’ve seen on his face page or myspace or wherever this was found.
I can assure you that as is the case with most minorities, we have separate faces that we use when we deal with people and situations outside the normal experience of our culture and environment. I get the feeling that he is the big, gregarious, happy go lucky goof ball that he comes off as…I mean he did say of his mother that ‘dat bitch is the realist bitch’…but just because you’ve seen a glimpse of what he’s probably like when he’s emersed in the culture that he’s familiar with doesn’t mean you know what he’ll be like or do when he’s sitting in the classroom or in the meeting room or any situation that is white male authority driven…OR, just authority period without regard to skin color or ethnicity, just a situation that requires discipline and submission to authority. You have no idea how the guy will respond to that by reading his face page/myspace/blog or whatever it was.
Particularly to the people who’ve responded with some sort of smugness that the notion of Michigan having high academic standards is bull because you just read one of their football players using slang and talking like he’s straight ot of ‘the hood’…you honestly don’t know a damned thing about this kid…really, you don’t. You don’t know how he’ll do in the classroom, you don’t know how he’ll represent the university or how his time at Michigan will impact it’s academic record. You don’t know the first thing other than when he’s not in a serious situation, he’s something of a goof.”
http://varsityblue.blogspot.com/2008/07/marques-slocum-leaves-program.html
“While rumors swirled around Slocum throughout his career with Michigan, it was his incompatibility with Director of Strength and Conditioning Mike Barwis, along with his academic struggles, that finally caused Slocum to give up on his Michigan career.”
Shocking, I know.
October 1st, 2009 at 2:21 am