HERO FOR OUR TIME: MARQUES ‘GRAND MARQUES’ SLOCUM
We really wouldn’t want to hang out with most football players. As a fan, we’re necessarily put in the tension-filled position of being passionate about a sport whose participants would, on the whole, rather chew their own leg off than hang out with our ilk. (”Hey, wanna come over and watch the DVD of Big Love! It’s the one where Marge finally gets that job she’s been angling for! I’m sooooo happy for her!”)
Sprint/Nextel bitches.
Yet, we think we’ve met the first player we actually would love to hang with on a weekly basis: Michigan’s own Marques “Grand Marques” Slocum. His quiz on his facebook entry is reprinted below, and we don’t mean this in a snickering, elitist, or ironic way at all: Marques sounds fucking awesome. In fact, we’re calling our mom right now to tell her she’s the realest bitch alive. She’ll appreciate it, since she did say “motherfucker” live on the EDSBS radio show.
Sprint/Nextel, bitches. Enjoy.
(Begin edited interview. Questions in italics, answers in bold.)
What is your favorite song of all time?
Just another n***a- state property II
Do you own any pets, and if so what do you have?
Fuck lion say what!
i got a fuck lion now come fuck wit me
Who do you admire most?
My mom CARLA, dat bitch da shit, i love her i think she da realest bitch alive
Do you have any tattoos, and if so what and where?
fuckin real
When do you plan on getting married?
it dont matta cuz i hope my wife know ima be playa 4 life
Get the number or give the number?
i would have 2 say bof
Romance or Kinky Sex?
it dont matta however i can get it
How do you feel?
i feel like killin somebody so dont be dat person… lol….not really dont be dat person
What size shoe do you wear?
a big enouf size 2 boot chu da fuck up outta here
T-Mobile, U.S. Cellular, Cingular/AT&T, or Sprint/Nextel
sprint/nextel bitch! dey got da best phones
Would you rather be hot or cold?
fuckin warm fuck dat hot shit and dat cold shit Id rather it be in da middle
Would you rather lose an arm or a leg?
what da fuck! i needs bof of my muthafuckin body parts
Opera, Musical, Concert, Play, Performance, or Other?
opera- no, musical- no, concert- maybe. play- no, performance- fuuuuuuuuuuuck no, other- no
What is your favorite clothing brand?
state property, im on my philly shit im on my jawn… lol
Most Memorable Past?
shit i couldnt tell u cuz i dont know
If you had to pick one car, which would it be?
96 impala ss
Your favorite Disney Films?
fuck disney
Why did the chicken cross the road?
cuz he was all fiend out
Do you support Paris?
why should i
Where is Waldo?
Waldo: eaten by fuck lion, presumably.
i killed dat punk muthafucka he owed me money
Favorite element?
i would have 2 go with………….. water
What was your last thought?
why da fuck am i doin dis interview
Firefox, Internet Explorer, Netscape, or other?
i dont give a fuck i just want 2 get on
Who are you going to vote for in 2008?
me
Juice and crackers or milk and cookies?
i want sum milk and cookies
Favorite fruit?
watermelon
Which is worse? A bad laugh or a bad cough?
dam mafucka u just fucked up da mood, i guess i aint sayin no more jokes
Are you a cat or a dog person?
im fuckin wit a rock or a pit just so it can cha cat
Would you rather be blind or deaf?
deaf btu dam neither
Define yourself in 3 words…
im da shit
Do you eat cold cereal at night?
what da fuck is cold cereal
What is your favorite TV show?
the wire
Kill the spider or let it out?
man! fuck dat spider
Do you shower every single day?
shit i at least get a bird bath but yea i shower everyday dis summer its 2 hot not 2
Walking past a beggar, spare change or ignore?
shit ima be askin him 4 sum change
Boat or bus?
bus bitch! i cant swim
Where do you want to travel next?
da future
Fuck Bubbles.
What would you do if Michael Jackson asked you out
I be like yea and den ima rob em’, ima steal all his shit and im stealin bubbles and im sellin dat muthafucka
What is your favorite food?
I like 2 licky licky licky licky… lol
Do you read harry potter books?
who da fuck is dat!
If you could have one super human power what would you choose?
come on now i wanna fly i hate walkin dat shit overrated
Have you had a beer in the last week?
shit I downed a forty last night in 2min. and 37sec. yea, beerfest bitch! im ready 4 da boot!
Vitamin Water or Gatorade?
Bof of dem shits is nasty but i fuck wit gatorade
Favorite body part?
my whole fuckin body
Flip flops or sandles?
come on now! what type of question is dat?
What do you do on fridays?
whatever da fuck i feel like doin
Do you like bananas?
do u
Filed under: Big 10 Conference, Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Not strictly college football, but funny, People we love, si si si! by Orson Swindle
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1
I don’t know where to begin. Any one of these could be run into the ground for months with glee, but there’s just too much…it’s the internets equivalent of Wonka’s factory….a world of pure imagination…and fuck lions.
They give out Peabodys for this shit, right?
Comment by Holly — August 22, 2007 @ 4:27 pm
2
Told you so.
Comment by Jim Harbaugh — August 22, 2007 @ 4:31 pm
3
Banner day here on EDSBS for the Big Ten.
HALE TU DA VIKTURS, MUTHAFUCKA
Comment by Brewster Crew — August 22, 2007 @ 4:31 pm
4
If you think half of your readership didn’t just send a friend request, you’re out of your mind. I hope the fact that I’m already “friends” with Zoltan gets me to the front of the line.
Comment by now_a_hoo — August 22, 2007 @ 4:34 pm
5
man, waldo down a storm drain or some shit
Comment by Ben Million — August 22, 2007 @ 4:34 pm
6
That was fucking fabulous!
Comment by CouchBurnin'Girl — August 22, 2007 @ 4:36 pm
7
Is this the “Michigan man” Mike Hart was referring to? ‘Cause … wow.
[please don't hurt me, Marques]
Comment by Eirishis — August 22, 2007 @ 4:37 pm
8
As a Michigan fan and alum, I have no comment on Slocum’s quiz. As a fan of college football, I have to say that, even if Slocum never touches the field, he will still be one of my favorite players of all time.
http://michigan.scout.com/2/669440.html
Comment by Annon — August 22, 2007 @ 4:38 pm
9
#2
Well done.
Comment by Coop — August 22, 2007 @ 4:41 pm
10
I’m left speechless by the Castle Grey Skull of imagination on display here.
Comment by jebushchrist — August 22, 2007 @ 4:41 pm
11
Attn: Jim Delaney
Applesauce, bitch.
XOXOX,
The SEC
Comment by Holly — August 22, 2007 @ 4:41 pm
12
Yeah Fuck Bubbles! I mean it, how much you want fo im?
Comment by tzubear — August 22, 2007 @ 4:42 pm
13
Eirishis-
This is just one man posting, but I really think Bo would have approved of “Fuck Disney”, and not just for Rudy-related reasons.
(Also, I can’t figure out how much the electric bill was last summer. Maybe 60% of what it was this past summer?)
Comment by now_a_hoo — August 22, 2007 @ 4:42 pm
14
Holy shit.
Hooooooly shit.
That is the greatest thing I have ever read.
Comment by Oops Pow Surprise — August 22, 2007 @ 4:42 pm
15
If walking is over-rated, then surely he could spare a leg after all? I’m surprised he doesn’t just levitate everywhere.
Comment by DC Trojan — August 22, 2007 @ 4:42 pm
16
Holly — If Jim Delaney could get the Big Ten Network to pair up with Facebook for a feature show, then we might have something worth paying for on cable.
Comment by DevilGrad — August 22, 2007 @ 4:49 pm
17
what da fuck is cold cereal
Obviously, you’re not a golfer.
Define “fortify”.
I axd da bitch how much, she said fortify.
Comment by Palouse — August 22, 2007 @ 4:50 pm
18
I’m glad to read in that link that Mr. Slocum (a hale and hearty “fuck disney” to you as well sir) is academically troubled but is succeeding. Because, I read that quiz with the Big Televen Commish and the dudes from MGoBlog and MZone floating around my conscience, bragging about how mind blowingly awesome UM academics are compared to the shoddy SEC and thinking, “this is the type of supreriority they are bragging about?” Damn. That run-on sentence brought to you by the letters L, S, and U and the number 72.
Comment by LSUJoshua — August 22, 2007 @ 4:52 pm
19
i’m glad somebody stepped up and filled the canyonesque void left by the Irons brothers.
Comment by Pooley Hubert — August 22, 2007 @ 4:53 pm
20
I’m ready for the BOOT!! That’s great. This is Irons brothers funny.
Comment by Bama — August 22, 2007 @ 4:53 pm
21
“Beerfest bitch! I’m ready 4 da boot!”
Officially in my lexicon.
Comment by robert — August 22, 2007 @ 4:55 pm
22
Like Oops said, that is the greatest thing I have ever read. I just read it for the third time, giggling and lightheaded.
Seriously:
1. That quiz
2. The Holy Bible
3. Fahrenheit 451
Comment by LSUJoshua — August 22, 2007 @ 5:00 pm
23
I love how, in the midst of all this mind-blowing hilarity, he stops to give a thoughtful answer to the question of “favorite element.”
I like water too, Marques.
Comment by okiedomer — August 22, 2007 @ 5:03 pm
24
I concur w/ #1, this is a trove for more inside jokes than we know what to do with. EDSBS will only become more confusing to the rookie.
Effdat spidah . . .
Comment by MCab — August 22, 2007 @ 5:04 pm
25
LSUJoshua-
Football players are the dumbest people at any school not called MIT. What should concern you is the possibility that a similar survey response could have been written by an LSU student /not on the football team/. Also, it’s not like he turned in a term paper with “Fuck Thomas Pynchon!” written at the top; this is on his facebook profile.
Comment by now_a_hoo — August 22, 2007 @ 5:04 pm
26
I’m just waiting for him to say he’s watching [whoever wins the HEISEMEN trophy]. Slocum like HEISMENS.
Comment by The New Math: 86=1 — August 22, 2007 @ 5:04 pm
27
This is like one of those movies with so many funny scenes that you can’t even describe it to your friends.
Comment by PW — August 22, 2007 @ 5:05 pm
28
I guess a fuck lion makes a blowjob midget seem tame by comparison.
Comment by PW — August 22, 2007 @ 5:07 pm
29
i just sat here looking at the comment box for five minutes trying to figure out what to write, but i am overwhelmed. maybe the hardest i’ve ever laughed at this site….and that’s saying something.
where can i get a fuck lion???
Comment by gerry dorsey — August 22, 2007 @ 5:08 pm
30
Also, it’s not like he turned in a term paper with “Fuck Thomas Pynchon!†written at the top.
Although that certainly wouldn’t hurt, nor is it out of the realm of possibility.
Comment by Holly — August 22, 2007 @ 5:09 pm
31
Next EDSBS tee-shirt”
“BEWARE OF FUCK LION”
Comment by DevilGrad — August 22, 2007 @ 5:11 pm
32
Favorite element?
i would have 2 go with………….. water
I am dying over here.
Comment by Coach Saban — August 22, 2007 @ 5:16 pm
33
I thank God everyday that youtube and facebook and myspace, not to mention video and camera cell phones, were not around when I was in college. I can’t imagine having to explain to future employers or potential spouses the kind of stuff that might have shown up. It sends shivers up my spine sometimes.
Comment by DiamondM — August 22, 2007 @ 5:16 pm
34
When I saw ‘ Wat da fuck is cold cereal?’ I thought of Chappelle’s standup… classic, purely classic
Comment by omar — August 22, 2007 @ 5:24 pm
35
Imagine what kind of players they could get if they didn’t have so much of that academic integrity Delany talks about.
Marques is obviously a classics major so engrossed in his studies that when asked to pick an element, he automatically thinks of the Aristotelian world view.
Comment by Chg — August 22, 2007 @ 5:30 pm
36
If you do ever end up hanging out with football players on a friday night in the offseason, one phrase you don’t want to hear is “Let’s see how much the white boy can drink”.
Bad things result, trust me.
Comment by oc phil — August 22, 2007 @ 5:31 pm
37
eliminate the questions here and we have a grammy winning new rap song in his responses
i feel like killin somebody so dont be dat person…
….not really dont be dat person
a big enouf size 2 boot chu da fuck up outta here
sprint/nextel bitch! dey got da best phones
fuckin warm
fuck dat hot shit
and dat cold shit
Id rather it be in da middle
refrain:
why da fuck am i doin dis interview
why da fuck am i doin dis interview
why da fuck am i doin dis interview
Comment by Futbawl Fan — August 22, 2007 @ 5:34 pm
38
I can’t make fun of this….I need bof of my muthafuckin body parts…
Comment by brink — August 22, 2007 @ 5:34 pm
39
Steve Spurrier just called the university president and demanded that South Carolina hire Michigan’s Director of Admissions.
Comment by Chg — August 22, 2007 @ 5:40 pm
40
He obviously needs to read a book.
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=11302757
Comment by Cock Moore — August 22, 2007 @ 5:44 pm
41
“im da shit”
yes you are, buddy. And it looks like I can forget about Waldo paying me back the money he owes me. Also, Man! fuck dat spider.
Comment by RaginCajunRebel — August 22, 2007 @ 5:44 pm
42
As far as the academic jokes go, Slocum has actually spent a couple years trying to get eligible, and it’s a pretty great story that he’s now finally getting to suit up. He’s become one of the favorites among a lot of Michigan fans before even taking the field because he’s stuck with it for so long.
Not that the jokes aren’t funny anyway.
Comment by AAB — August 22, 2007 @ 5:50 pm
43
If Michigan had a team full of players who spent two years working as tirelessly as Slocum did in the classroom to get into Michigan and give himself an opportunity to be a Wolverine, Michigan would probably never lose. Maybe not something for the University’s homepage, but I’ll ride with Marques any day.
That said, and in the spirit of EDSBS, I am most found of his answer to the bananas question. Lots of possibilities there.
Comment by Joey — August 22, 2007 @ 5:54 pm
44
25
You mean to tell me that as sure as gravity and paris is a whore that there very possibly are stupid people at my state school alma mater!?!?!?! Are you shittin’ me Pyle?!?!?!?!?!??!!
Up might as well be down now. I need to sit down and reflect on this.
The point was that Michigan’s AD and adherrent blog nation just got done pissing down on all of the entire SEC when it comes to smarts. When everyone knows we are have plenty of Grand Marques in our respective ranks.
Comment by LSUJoshua — August 22, 2007 @ 5:54 pm
45
fond*
Comment by Joey — August 22, 2007 @ 5:55 pm
46
Chg, If you take a single incident ( Marques’ facebook page) as a counter-proof of a more general thing ( Jim Delany talking about SEC academics ), I can offer your post ( single incident ) as an example of how shitty SEC statistics courses are. Ever heard about outliers?
LSUJoshua, deluded are we? As far as I can remember, MGoBlog and MZone condemned Delaney’s pompous claim. And their insinuations mostly are satire. Just like EDSBS.
Just don’t send Les Miles North-ways.
Comment by Tacopants — August 22, 2007 @ 6:06 pm
47
“im fuckin wit a rock or a pit just so it can cha cat”
I now know how I’m signing the Christmas cards this year.
Comment by Out of Conference — August 22, 2007 @ 6:16 pm
48
Oh yeah, also, could somehow help me out with what a “bird bath” is?
Comment by Out of Conference — August 22, 2007 @ 6:18 pm
49
Continuing the data mining…
opera- no, musical- no, concert- maybe. play- no, performance- fuuuuuuuuuuuck no, other- no
Man, what bad “performance” experience did he have to rank this lower than opera?
Comment by Eirishis — August 22, 2007 @ 6:19 pm
50
Damn, #45, don’t be using that statistics and sociology shit to mess up a perfectly good discussion of fuck lions.
Besides, check out the Penn State photos in the post below this one. It’s TWO anecdotal examples — just today.
Comment by DevilGrad — August 22, 2007 @ 6:20 pm
51
honestly, dont know whether to laugh or cry.
Comment by fife in pdx — August 22, 2007 @ 6:23 pm
52
Do fuck lions come with rape stands?
Too soon?
Comment by Jack — August 22, 2007 @ 6:26 pm
53
Why did the chicken cross the road?
cuz he was all fiend out
If you locked me in a closet for 10 years to think I could not have come up with that. I think I’m going to be sick from laughing.
Comment by The Great Barstoolio — August 22, 2007 @ 6:32 pm
54
Holy Cow…Like most others this is way too much material. WAY TOO MUCH. Orson, you could have stretched out each response over the entire season and still had left over material.
Other than that………Chg.
+2 for 35 and 39, both classics.
Comment by cbs5090 — August 22, 2007 @ 6:57 pm
55
I be like yea and den ima rob em’, ima steal all his shit and im stealin bubbles and im sellin dat muthafucka………..HALARIOUS…… I went to highschool with Marcus Thomas from Florida and if you think this is bad you should sit down 5 minutes with marcus. its close though but once he stole some freshmans note in PE and tried to read it out loud and didnt get past the name…funniest highschool moment
Comment by brad — August 22, 2007 @ 7:06 pm
56
According to Urban Dictionary, a “bird bath” is:
“a quick washing of the genitals just to make them fresh in the chance you may get action. bird bath b/c it is a small bath and b/c if you wanted to you could dip your balls in a bird bath (or the sink) and wash them. The intent is to wash away potential ball sweat which can dissuade a lady from give a bj”
And I thought this was Pynchon….?
Comment by robert — August 22, 2007 @ 7:06 pm
57
I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that he won’t be part of the 38%.
Comment by akaRonMexico — August 22, 2007 @ 7:11 pm
58
Golf clap for #2.
Good Lord, this blog has some quality.
Comment by Gurn — August 22, 2007 @ 7:14 pm
59
#54 - Much thanks, Robert. Fuck the bidee, I’m putting in a bird bath. It’s not like I’m asking for a rusty trombone or anything.
Comment by Out of Conference — August 22, 2007 @ 7:20 pm
60
Literature like this makes me proud to be a Michigan fan.
Really.
Comment by SA — August 22, 2007 @ 7:30 pm
61
water isn’t an element
Comment by Joe — August 22, 2007 @ 7:34 pm
62
First post on EDSBS…but more importantly, ha, ha, I have hung out with Marques and yes, to answer the question on everyone’s mind, it was amazing.
I won’t get into details, but I can tell you that his fuck lion will get you balls high. And then eat you. Because he’s, you know, a lion.
Comment by Blou — August 22, 2007 @ 7:42 pm
63
My favorite part is how he gets so offended by “Which is worse? A bad laugh or a bad cough?”
Comment by Mike — August 22, 2007 @ 7:55 pm
64
I’m thinking he’s a General Studies major like most of the others. Yeah… General Studies, or maybe Pre-Law.
Comment by gjk — August 22, 2007 @ 8:03 pm
65
It had to be done…
http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c65/dlucero22/roflbot.jpg
Comment by DL — August 22, 2007 @ 8:21 pm
66
Its so going over your heads boys - tsk, tsk. I’m guessing this was done as part of an assignment for one of UM’s upper-level “urban studies” programs as a study in the ironic uses of Ebonics in modern media. Note how he addresses the “keepin’ it real” motif with his ‘96 Impala answer. This is a man of the people, no pimped out Lexus for this man. Then he rejects major media (Disney) that too readily feeds on negative stereotypes of the black man (I mean, have you seen “Snow Dogs”???!!). Finally, he totally bursts the stereotype of the dog-fighting, animal-torturing football player so prevalent at the moment - does he feed Bubbles to the Fuck Lion? No sir, its off to a nice home for Bubbles, probably with some decent, MJ-obsessed fans.
Comment by JohnnyBGood — August 22, 2007 @ 8:22 pm
67
I believe that as a Michigan fan it is my obligation to comment, and I have now done so. Sigh.
Comment by maskedavenger — August 22, 2007 @ 8:22 pm
68
I am trying so hard to imagine Loyd’s conversation with this strapping young student-athlete when he was recruited. I know it was unintentionally funny, but it’s just too bizarre to imagine.
Comment by macker — August 22, 2007 @ 9:30 pm
69
I understand Marques is a graduate of a Catholic High School (Philadelphia West Catholic). They must be very proud.
Comment by lumpy — August 22, 2007 @ 9:34 pm
70
Three simple words.
Funniest.Shit.Ever.
Comment by The Last Dragon — August 22, 2007 @ 9:40 pm
71
Just to clarify the brilliance of a couple lines that might not have been picked up on:
Why did the chicken cross the road?
cuz he was all fiend out
________________________________
I believe he is saying the chicken was a crack fiend, and it was fiend[ed] out, ie all cracked out. I’m laughin with him on that one, not at him.
Are you a cat or a dog person?
im fuckin wit a rock or a pit just so it can cha cat
__________________________________
I believe what he was trying to convey is he’d have a ROTT(weiler) or a pit(bull) so it can [eat] cha cat
He may not be the smartest guy, and maybe he was even being intentionally idiotic on some, but honestly, I’d love to kick it with this dude. The line about his shoe being big enough to boot someone the F out was awesome!
Comment by GreekLeprechaun — August 22, 2007 @ 9:41 pm
72
Holy Fucking Shit.
Are you sure this guy isn’t an Irons cousin?
Comment by PeterPumpkinhead — August 22, 2007 @ 10:10 pm
73
Next EDSBS tee-shirtâ€
“BEWARE OF FUCK LIONâ€
I would buy that in a heartbeat and proudly wear it to The Big House.
Comment by Proctor — August 22, 2007 @ 10:23 pm
74
Speechless.
How about an encore? When can this guy make some time for a drop in again - assuming he can miss a class at Michigan?
Comment by RyderCup — August 22, 2007 @ 10:40 pm
75
I think Marques could do a nightly show on the Big 10 Court TV network that was recently announced.
http://landthieves.blogspot.com/2007/08/big-10-court-tv-network-launched.html
Comment by HeadThief — August 22, 2007 @ 10:46 pm
76
So, is the fact that the only sane answer in the interview (Favorite Show - The Wire) syncs up with my favorite show disturbing?
Man, I’m off to find a fuck lion.
Comment by hareball — August 22, 2007 @ 11:05 pm
77
I did not get into Michigan this year, and this guy did.
Wow, I feel awful about myself.
Comment by Homer — August 22, 2007 @ 11:05 pm
78
How does Tuberville get such a high APR?
His players can spell Sociology.
EDSBS Radio must interview this man.
Comment by NewAZTiger — August 22, 2007 @ 11:06 pm
79
Eirishis,
That’s the one that really got me.
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck no.
Comment by LSUJoshua — August 22, 2007 @ 11:10 pm
80
I believe “Fuck Lion” is a simple reference to the last eight games against Penn State.
Otherwise, my fucking mind has officially been blown.
Comment by Run Up The Score — August 22, 2007 @ 11:28 pm
81
I just figured out what “bof” was. Thanks #38.
I want some milk and cookies bitches.
Comment by BobTyDavieham — August 23, 2007 @ 12:10 am
82
Beautiful. Bright, funny, in-your-face. This guy has got it all. In the immortal words of PFC Fancher “Fuck all y’all!”
Comment by Bigg Harry — August 23, 2007 @ 12:22 am
83
That was funny omg
Comment by who cares — August 23, 2007 @ 12:31 am
84
I wanna hang out with this kid.
Comment by who cares — August 23, 2007 @ 12:32 am
85
I just read the entire article for the first time…and I’m distressed to say this gentleman and I share the same favorite TV show. This leaves me speechless.
Comment by spartymike — August 23, 2007 @ 1:17 am
86
If this kid doesn’t smoke weed already, he needs to check it out. It might just turn him into Pynchon.
Comment by PJ from NU in SF — August 23, 2007 @ 1:44 am
87
I don’t have fucking time for water.
Comment by Nick Saban — August 23, 2007 @ 1:55 am
88
dis be da truist shit i eva wrote.
Comment by Jacques — August 23, 2007 @ 3:20 am
89
2:37 to down a 40. I feel like I have a new goal in life. Thank, you, Marques!
#2 is the winner, and I will find a way to work “fuck lion” into my everyday vocabulary.
Comment by Signal to Noise — August 23, 2007 @ 3:26 am
90
While I respect his answer to the eternal Chicken question, i must expand to the next logical step:
Why did the pervert cross the road?
His dick was stuck in the chicken.
Comment by Cock D — August 23, 2007 @ 7:05 am
91
If I’m right, he went to Philly’s West Catholic. No wonder he’s dumb.
Comment by kmblue — August 23, 2007 @ 7:16 am
92
I can’t wait to yell “Fuck dat spider” everytime this pancakes someone. I can think of about 119 teams in 1A ball that would admit this guy.
Comment by Scalz1 — August 23, 2007 @ 7:16 am
93
So here’s what we know about the human body: It consists of two parts, one arm and one leg. The rest is a mystery. Fuck Lion is the greatest thing since the last greatest thing.
Comment by Biggus Rickus — August 23, 2007 @ 7:23 am
94
Holy shit, I can’t believe he actually accepted my friend request on Facebook. I can’t wait to keep an eye on his profile updates. According to his Facebook status… “Marques ‘Grand Marques’ Slocum
is fuckin mad right now cuz im fuckin hurt but its cool cuz ima be back real soon, ima grind through dis bitch! EARLY!”
Injury reports from Facebook! Wee!
Comment by Mätt — August 23, 2007 @ 7:29 am
95
Oh, and if you want to hit him up on AIM to clarify how you might be able to acquire your own fuck lion, his screen name is GRAND1MARQUES.
Comment by Mätt — August 23, 2007 @ 7:30 am
96
Marcus Slocum - a true “Michigan Man”
Now, what’s that people were saying about Michigan football players not quite measuring up to the Stanford standard?
Comment by DSJ — August 23, 2007 @ 7:33 am
97
#95
fuck lion, I believe, is a reference to one’s genitals, with the hair being the mane.
Comment by flion — August 23, 2007 @ 7:58 am
98
Someday I will have a t-shirt that reads “My f*ck lion takes bird baths at your girlfriend’s house.” Print that in school colors and you’ve got something.
Comment by B-Man — August 23, 2007 @ 8:07 am
99
# 52
Jack, it is never too soon to drop a rape stand joke. I honestly think I dropped it five times the day I knew MV had one at his house.
Comment by Odell 51 — August 23, 2007 @ 8:08 am
100
I read this for the first time in a restless-but-half-asleep mode last night. Reading it in a restless-but-half-asleep mode at work after only 3 hours sleep somehow makes it even better. Bra-fucking-vo, Marques. Get this man a siren, stat.
Comment by Beatuofa — August 23, 2007 @ 8:11 am
101
Dare I even ask what “2 licky licky licky licky” is?
Comment by DAve — August 23, 2007 @ 8:13 am
102
Matt - Can’t say I can respect handing out his personal information like that. Poor form.
Comment by Oops Pow Surprise — August 23, 2007 @ 8:16 am
103
Slocum pwns Maroney
Comment by Scalz1 — August 23, 2007 @ 8:16 am
104
I believe “2 licky licky licky licky” is to perform cunnilingus, perhaps multiple times.
Comment by Biggus Rickus — August 23, 2007 @ 8:17 am
105
“what da fuck! i needs bof of my muthafuckin body parts”
That is quite possibly the funniest thing I have read in my entire life. I just pulled the whole LOL at work and couldnt tell anyone why I just laughed. What a brilliant answer. I want to plat Edward 40-Hands with this guy tomorrow. And I HATE Michigan.
Jim Delaney is right, the Big 11 does have all the smart kids. This sir is a genius.
Comment by Edsall is God — August 23, 2007 @ 8:24 am
106
A mind is a terrible thing to waste. Thank goodness one has not been wasted on Marcus.
Comment by Southern Papa — August 23, 2007 @ 8:26 am
107
+100 cocktails to #2.
Comment by Andy — August 23, 2007 @ 8:29 am
108
Ah yes, the “2″ threw me as I failed to recognize it as a preposition within that context. I can’t believe I just said that.
Comment by DAve — August 23, 2007 @ 8:30 am
109
Y’all never heard of satire or farce? This STUDENT athlete’s talent is clearly in writing and not on the field. Except this part:
“Boat or bus? bus bitch! i cant swim”
I bet this is true.
Comment by Unhappy Monkey — August 23, 2007 @ 8:31 am
110
Outstanding reporting; I see a new weekly feature on EDSBS, “Facebook Faceoff” or some such shit.
You could have slipped pictures of semi-naked coeds in this article, you know.
Comment by SunDawg — August 23, 2007 @ 8:34 am
111
Hahahahhaa
Comment by Rob — August 23, 2007 @ 8:36 am
112
Of all the days to leave work early.
Tears just fucking streaming down…
Comment by Whitey — August 23, 2007 @ 8:48 am
113
I have no idea what a fuck lion is but I want one!
Comment by mhentz — August 23, 2007 @ 8:51 am
114
When your mother calls you, weeping with joy, remember to thank me:
http://i108.photobucket.com/albums/n18/dawgterfeelgood/mothers_day_card.jpg
Comment by DAve — August 23, 2007 @ 8:54 am
115
#100, he posted his screen name on Facebook and approved me as a friend without knowing who the hell I am, so that “contact info”can’t be THAT personal.
Sweet job, DAve. Printing now…
Comment by Mätt — August 23, 2007 @ 9:04 am
116
This is funny. But some of you need to remember that Marques worked his ass off for two years to get into Michigan. He was supposed to be a freshman like 2 years ago but went to prep school and then had to sit his first year at Michigan to become eligible. He could’ve easily have gone to MSU or Penn State yet he chose to work hard and it will be paying off in the future. He’s going to be a stud on the UM D for the next few years.
Comment by trey — August 23, 2007 @ 9:04 am
117
That was incredible, absolutely wonderful! The addition of people trying to explain his answers in the comments just added to the amazing humor– I’m looking at you 71, though I worry that people think the average EDSBS reader couldn’t interpret those responses.
Comment by Jonathan — August 23, 2007 @ 9:07 am
118
Hail to the Kinesiology majors!
I assume he won’t be one of the 32% of black players who actually gets their a degree at the Whore?
Comment by Kat — August 23, 2007 @ 9:07 am
119
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y101/solidkane/FDS.jpg
Comment by Scalz1 — August 23, 2007 @ 9:11 am
120
Re #113 and with a shoutout back to #66:
I, for one, look forward to the next installment of “The Hermeneutics of ‘Fuck Dat Spider’.”
Comment by DevilGrad — August 23, 2007 @ 9:16 am
121
#87 that was priceless!
Comment by NickSabanisHungLikeaMule — August 23, 2007 @ 9:36 am
122
Make that #117. I love it when these threads grow from the middle.
Comment by DevilGrad — August 23, 2007 @ 9:41 am
123
I know Marques and have to let you guys in a couple things.
1) I’ve seen in him in a fish out of water situation and he handled himself a mature manner. In fact, of his peers he was the best behaved and most under control.
2) He understands how to manipulate the media. Kids these days watch Paris Hilton and know how to generate a little press. He is not hurt, but he got some mention on Mgoblog, saying he was.
3) 2 weeks back into football after a 2 year break and he is 2nd string. This kid is a Beast and will be owning QB’s all season. This interview will just add to his hype.
Say what you want, but I’m telling you I think he has a pretty good idea about what he is doing. I wouldn’t be shocked that all the ink on the net leads to a call into Lloyds office tho.
Comment by BluerthanU — August 23, 2007 @ 9:53 am
124
Short on time, I skipped over this yesterday thinking it wouldn’t be that funny. Then I see it linked on another board this morning. Glad I caught it.
Cocktails to many of the responses, especially #2 and #35.
And as funny and unintelligible as I find the Irons brothers, this guy is in a whole different league. They can’t hang wit dat. But they have the comedy team banter thing, so they’ve got that going for them.
Comment by HFS — August 23, 2007 @ 9:59 am
125
I can only assume he hasn’t passed Comp I and II yet . . . please, don’t tell me he has.
Comment by Justin Cliburn — August 23, 2007 @ 9:59 am
126
If he accepts my facebook add, I am gonna be on there all the damn time, sending him more dumbass interviews.
Thanks DAve, my mothers day shopping is now done - 9 months early.
Comment by Trojan Chica — August 23, 2007 @ 10:02 am
127
There is a 100% chance he won’t be adding to the list of Michigan alums that go on to be astronauts.
Comment by john — August 23, 2007 @ 10:12 am
128
127 john - I’m guessing he’ll be in the Jarvis Moss Advanced Track Aeronautics program, if he’s not already.
Comment by Out of Conference — August 23, 2007 @ 10:21 am
129
I just spent upwards of 45 minutes reading every word of this (with intermittant pauses to regain composure), and it’s the best 45 minutes of my life. “Fuck Bubbles” is priceless.
Comment by Katy — August 23, 2007 @ 10:21 am
130
He writes like a present-day Uncle Remus!
Comment by AU_DNA — August 23, 2007 @ 10:22 am
131
Cocktails for 28, 39
O, heed the suggestion written in 78. I was prepared to make that point, but AZ beat me to it.
Bird bath might also be a good shirt …
Comment by Kenny — August 23, 2007 @ 10:52 am
132
here’s my question: What the fuck is a jawn?
Comment by Fuck Lion — August 23, 2007 @ 11:08 am
133
bus bitch! i cant swim
Comment by clashmore — August 23, 2007 @ 11:20 am
134
This scholar athlete makes OSU very very proud.
Lloyd, are you awake?
LCB
Comment by LakeCoBuck — August 23, 2007 @ 11:28 am
135
When he was a little kid, Jim Harbaugh once ate peanuts out of my poop.
Comment by Barry Pierson — August 23, 2007 @ 11:46 am
136
I think underneath it all, he’s just another snarky, elitist hipster:
i.e.,
“Fuck Disney.”
and his favorite TV show is The Wire.
Of course, he did kill Waldo…
Comment by JPMelk — August 23, 2007 @ 11:57 am
137
I like water
Comment by maomatt — August 23, 2007 @ 12:00 pm
138
I like how all of them have curses, except “Favorite Fruit.”
I could imagine him saying that with an english accent while wearing a derby and eating crumpets
Comment by Rick — August 23, 2007 @ 12:01 pm
139
#2 — Funniest comment in days (and that is saying a lot here).
Comment by Big Ten Joe — August 23, 2007 @ 12:05 pm
140
I thought Rick James died a few years ago?!
Comment by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me — August 23, 2007 @ 12:09 pm
141
#132: Jawn is Afrophillyspeak for just about anything. It’s a filler noun. That’s my jawn!
Comment by rolando — August 23, 2007 @ 12:27 pm
142
As an Ohio State fan, it confirmed my suspicions of the typical Michigan student/athlete (aka future felon).
They must be sooo proud up there in Ann Arbor.
Hail! Wif dem punkass bitches
Hail! Kill dem po-lice snitches
Hail! Hail! We got da guns
The future convictees
Comment by Buckeye Bob — August 23, 2007 @ 12:48 pm
143
Says the fan of the school that has a former player in the Ohio state penitentiary.
Typical.
Comment by Scalz1 — August 23, 2007 @ 1:05 pm
144
“Told you so.
Comment by Jim Harbaugh”
_________________________
That was funny.
Comment by Granddaddy Long Legs — August 23, 2007 @ 1:53 pm
145
Dood,
I”m reading this in a coffeehouse, laughing my ass off.
…people are staring.
The funniest thing I’ve ever read.
Comment by ImalwaysMoody — August 23, 2007 @ 3:49 pm
146
Mah name iz Beedlejoose…….ahm gonna git hot for da wimmins.
Comment by BEEDLEJOOSE — August 23, 2007 @ 4:32 pm
147
As a double MI alum, I am even more proud of him than I was already.
This man rules and will kill all of you with his Fuck Lion.
Awesomeness
Comment by Suavdaddy — August 23, 2007 @ 5:28 pm
148
Bush’s next recess appointment for head of Department of Education?
Comment by John Patterson — August 23, 2007 @ 5:37 pm
149
Your favorite Disney Films?
fuck disney
I can’t even tell you bad I wish he had answered:
The Fuck Lion King
Comment by Brian — August 23, 2007 @ 7:13 pm
150
Dat wuz da fuckin shizznit yo
Comment by Lori — August 23, 2007 @ 8:20 pm
151
Sub-Human
Comment by MrP — August 23, 2007 @ 8:27 pm
152
I see that this student athlete will make great use of his english degree from Michigan.
He is qualified enough to be president and he is waaaay ahead of the 50% of adults in Detroit who are illiterate. Or 50 Cents.
The guy’s future looks great.
Comment by Robuka Kenderle — August 23, 2007 @ 10:21 pm
153
Can we have a little poll here to see what the funniest line was?
I vote for the mom question:
Who do you admire most?
My mom CARLA, dat bitch da shit, i love her i think she da realest bitch alive
Sheer effing poetry bitch.
Comment by Robuka Kenderle — August 23, 2007 @ 10:25 pm
154
Do you have any tattoos, and if so what and where?
fuckin real
Fuckin real indeed man. Fuckin real indeed.
Comment by Kentucky Prophet — August 24, 2007 @ 1:49 am
155
Viral. Absolutely V I R A L.
Grand Marques, EDSBS = Innovators
We = Early Adopters
“Fuck Lion”
“More Cowbell”
“Nunchuck Skills”
There are just some things a Renaissance Man has got to know.
Comment by Malcolm Gladwell — August 24, 2007 @ 9:16 am
156
What a moron, he should be locked up with Vick.
Comment by poindexter — August 24, 2007 @ 10:14 am
157
149…bravo, man. Bravo.
I have a brother that goes to OSU and I’m pretty sure his boys are laughin their asses off right now!
Hail to those old dumb fuckers!
Comment by Cowbearsfan — August 24, 2007 @ 11:38 am
158
Vick may be a moron but this jack-tard is totally brain dead . Even reading the comments several times I couldnt figure out what this goon was talking about.
Comment by solorunner — August 24, 2007 @ 11:54 am
159
truly a “brotha from another palnet”. Certainly isn’t from this one…
Comment by poindexter — August 24, 2007 @ 12:24 pm
160
truly a “brotha from another planet”. An ignorant one at that. He’s taken ebonics to a whole new level.
Comment by poindexter — August 24, 2007 @ 12:25 pm
161
Anyone who can’t see that Marques’s use of slang and profanity was part of the joke, is as stupid as you are trying to make him out to be. Very poor judgement on his part to post this on such a site. And naive to think that the so-called friends that he let read it are friends.
Another classic example of cultures clashing and others passing superior judgement, when it is quite obvious that the answers were written in an urban dialect/text form to enhance the humor. The kid has a lot of wit but is naive when it comes to the intentions and agendas of people.
This will serve as a very good lesson. We love you Ques, and you will get pass this
Comment by Will — August 24, 2007 @ 9:03 pm
162
Who are you going to vote for in 2008?
me
That makes 2 of us.
Comment by Liam — August 24, 2007 @ 9:40 pm
163
I have poked Marques “Grand Marques” Slocom
Comment by Ben — August 25, 2007 @ 1:06 am
164
Is this guy related to Kenny Irons??
Comment by Nutsac Sailboat — August 25, 2007 @ 9:39 am
165
Sprint/Nextel bitch, I’m muthafuckin out
Comment by Nutsac Sailboat — August 25, 2007 @ 9:40 am
166
Inspirational.
Marques ventures into James Lipton’s Inside The Actor’s Studio…
http://www.barkingcarnival.com/scipio-tex/marques-slocum-michigan-football-intellectual-ventures-inside-the-actors-studio
Comment by brushfire bill — August 25, 2007 @ 12:28 pm
167
I am in complete agreement with him about favorite car. The 96 Impala is a car inspired by Mayra Veronica.
Comment by MCab — August 25, 2007 @ 4:39 pm
168
U in da dog house.
I hope da shit likes to run bleachers at o’dark thirty in da morning.
Comment by LLyod — August 28, 2007 @ 12:51 pm
169
It follows, then, that the mane of Lee Corso’s fuck lion is artificial.
Comment by Petey Wheatstraw — August 28, 2007 @ 3:01 pm
170
Fuck Marques Slocum.
Comment by Walt Disney — August 29, 2007 @ 2:36 pm
171
That was totally awesome.
Fuck lion is the best line.
Comment by Nichole — August 30, 2007 @ 12:58 pm
172
In reading the responses to this ‘interview’ I would venture a guess that the vast majority of you are white. It’s funny how a lot of you seem to think that you know what this kid will be about academics wise because of something you’ve seen on his face page or myspace or wherever this was found.
I can assure you that as is the case with most minorities, we have separate faces that we use when we deal with people and situations outside the normal experience of our culture and environment. I get the feeling that he is the big, gregarious, happy go lucky goof ball that he comes off as…I mean he did say of his mother that ‘dat bitch is the realist bitch’…but just because you’ve seen a glimpse of what he’s probably like when he’s emersed in the culture that he’s familiar with doesn’t mean you know what he’ll be like or do when he’s sitting in the classroom or in the meeting room or any situation that is white male authority driven…OR, just authority period without regard to skin color or ethnicity, just a situation that requires discipline and submission to authority. You have no idea how the guy will respond to that by reading his face page/myspace/blog or whatever it was.
Particularly to the people who’ve responded with some sort of smugness that the notion of Michigan having high academic standards is bull because you just read one of their football players using slang and talking like he’s straight ot of ‘the hood’…you honestly don’t know a damned thing about this kid…really, you don’t. You don’t know how he’ll do in the classroom, you don’t know how he’ll represent the university or how his time at Michigan will impact it’s academic record. You don’t know the first thing other than when he’s not in a serious situation, he’s something of a goof.
Comment by Senore Bitey — August 31, 2007 @ 11:09 am
173
…and since he’s just getting going at the University and in his career, you can’t say that what you’ve read is proof of Jim ‘Turn Around So I Can Stick The Knife In’ Harbaugh’s comments
Comment by Senore Bitey — August 31, 2007 @ 11:16 am
174
“Fuck bubbles”
Comment by Lewis12345 — August 31, 2007 @ 4:20 pm
175
y da fuk do u guyz h8 me im da tru gangsta
Comment by Marques — August 31, 2007 @ 4:31 pm
176
Daym we beet dem beitch ass nigga at dey big hizouse mayne marques got rulled on like da tru bitch he izz
Comment by App St8 jigga — September 7, 2007 @ 11:10 am
177
What the hell is wrong with this kid? A fuck lion? And how did he even know Michael Jackson’s monkey was named Bubbles? WHY WOULD HE REMEMBER THAT!?
Define yourself in three words…”I’m da shit”.
Comment by ? — September 26, 2007 @ 4:44 pm
178
omfg this was just the pick me up i needed today…i’m laughing so hard i’m crying….gotta love ignorant people!
Comment by Photo Joe — October 25, 2007 @ 12:52 pm
179
Senore Bitey: Face page?
Comment by Mark Z — November 13, 2007 @ 10:08 pm
180
I had a class with this kid for one day — greatest experience of my life. He now has a drew gooden beard. Oh god. Awesome.
Comment by umich1 — February 19, 2008 @ 4:33 pm
181
Re: last comment
I, too, had a class with Marques Slocum my senior year of undergrad. It was actually one of professor Hagen’s classes, one day, we split into groups to do survey work. When one of the group members called on Mr. Slocum to answer a question, he said, “Aw, shit, I don’t know — I’m not used to standing up in class. I’m used to standing up to get awards and shit.” And then he left the room.
Comment by Shane — April 21, 2008 @ 9:17 pm
182
What a stereotypical person….now people will feel sorry for him for absolutely no reason. We are all that much more dumb after reading his slow minded retarded azz response.YO…Im da Shiznit homey…bow down or get rolled up…Holla..what an idiot.
Comment by Joshua W — May 3, 2008 @ 8:21 pm